History’s Most Important Election In An Odd-Numbered Year, In Cartoon Form
Friday, November 6th, 2009
By the Comics Curmudgeon
Generally speaking, most Americans can barely be bothered to vote during important elections — you know, the ones with years divisible by four! It’s even harder getting them off of their Dorito-stained couches to cast their ballots when it’s a year that’s an even number that isn’t divisible by four, and when we’re talking odd-numbered years, well, you can just totally forget about that. I realize that all this math is way, way beyond what most Americans can handle, and yet through some instinct, they can distinguish; my theory is that they can tell how important an election is by the volume of the shouting from the glowing picture-box in the living room. Anyway, despite widespread apathy, there were several elections yesterday, and so, by Journalism Law, a few unlucky cartoonists were forced to briefly stop drawing insightful Balloon Boy cartoons to deal with them. After the jump: the goriest political cartoon in human history. MORE »
It has been some time since we used to liveblog election results every single Tuesday for months at a time, so let’s do it tonight, on “Election Day 2009,” which has brought about as much excitement and suspense as the May 3, 2008 Democratic primary in Guam. The powers-that-be, like dicks, have constructed a system in which Virginia polls close at 7:00, New Jersey polls close at 8:00, and New York polls close at 9:00. We will start here at 6:45ish and just cold motherfuckin’ type all night long. CNN has definitely issued a release promising NINE MILLION ANALYSTS for its panel tonight, and you cannot miss any of them! Now go stock up on alcohol & guns and return for ridiculous insanity-typing that, we promise, will only be tangentially related to politics.
We 
OMG did you hear what Hillary Clinton said, in Nigeria? “You know we’ve had all kinds of problems in some of our past elections as you might remember. In 2000, our presidential election came down to one state where the brother of the man running for president was the governor of the state, so we have our problems, too.” Which is true, for sure, but sounds a little odd coming out of the mouth of the wife of a former president who wanted to be president herself but settled for secretary of state after serving as a senator of a state she barely lived in. [
Wonkette recently deployed its own correspondent to Iran. What follows is her report. Names have been changed “because of the definition of anonymity.” 
California Secretary of State Debra Bowen oversees state elections, which occur on most days in California. 
Did you know elections and vote-counting happen in places other than Minnesota? It’s true! Take, for example, India, where the monthlong (!) election just came to an end, and the results are coming in at this moment. Approximately a gigabyte of the country’s 700 million eligible voters went to the polls, which all used electronic voting machines, and the potential debacle seems to have gone off without any disasters, civil wars, coups, terrorism, piracy, PUMAs, or any discussion of gay marriage whatsoever. So, score one for Democracy! UPDATE: Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and 
Ha ha, Jim Martin lost like a little gay baby, and now we know why Obama never campaigned in the state for him: his two-time Senate election losingness in the same election. “With 90 percent of the state’s precincts reporting in Tuesday’s runoff election, Mr. Chambliss had 59 percent of the vote, and his Democratic challenger, Jim Martin, had 41 percent.” So this means that 2008 wasn’t just a good year for Republicans, but the best year. Now we will go back to never posting about dumb Saxby Chambliss, but if we have to, we’ll always have the perfect 
…which is why they are so obsessed with these matters of grave national importance. Thanks to Wonkette Operative Brian for bringing this to our attention.
Every four years, a mysterious combination of negligence, incompetence, fraud, and criminality conspire to make a single state responsible for getting some doofus into the White House. In 2000, Florida took the honor; in 2004, it was Ohio. And every four years, Hendrik Hertzberg writes angry editorials about how the whole electoral college should be bombed from space as a Republican takes office yet again. So which state will we be able to blame when Sarah Palin is hastily sworn in as America’s 45th president after John McCain expires from gout and agues in the spring of 2009? 