Elections - Wonkette

bob allen

Bob Allen's Wife Takes Over Allen Political Dynasty

Beth Allen, the wife of homosexual former Florida state Rep. "Twenty Dollar" Bob Allen, will not be deterred from Achieving! She is running for Brevard County Elections Supervisor, because someone's gotta make a damn living in that household. Surely that county will have voting problems in the upcoming presidential election, and it will be gay Bob Allen's family that has to decide the president. Barack can't lose! [Orlando Sentinel]

4:12 PM on Mon May 12 2008
By Newell
742 views, 29 comments

the dream is over

Shelley Sekula Gibbs Officially Dumped In Trash

Beloved pretend congresslady Shelley "Dracula Cunt" Sekula Gibbs lost her hundredth straight election the other day — losing a GOP primary runoff to some nobody — and now her dreams and even this sign are in the garbage, forever, along with an empty bottle of $2.99 "Barefoot Chardonnay" and some type of (Nazi?) lager bottle and enough coat hangers for a hundred Texas abortions. Farewell, sweet rodeo princess of our heart! Photo courtesy of Wonkette Operative "John."

1:30 PM on Thu Apr 10 2008
By Ken Layne
1,630 views, 49 comments

Latest by RICKUSHAY: @flatlands: Point Pisswater....Ohhh, the memories. more »

america's mayor

9/11 To Run For Senate?

He never let us forget, and then we forgot for a few months, but now they don't want us to forget again: The Political Bosses in New Jersey are considering getting America's Mayor, Rudy Giuliani, to run for Senate in New Jersey against America's Jew, Frank Lautenberg. But was he in New Jersey enough when the 9/11 buildings fell? More »

10:55 AM on Fri Mar 7 2008
By Newell
1,429 views, 25 comments

stupid tuesday

Texas Vote Fraud Debacle Has Not Yet Occurred

Worry not, nation: vote-related activities are going smoothly in certain parts of Texas, so far. The Austin American-Statesman reports that "there are lines everywhere" in Travis County, whose largest city, Austin, was home to the bathroom shaming of the Clinton press pool last night. Oh and another county's election-related Web site is up again after crashing this morning under a massive 21,000 page visits. [Austin American Statesman]

2:57 PM on Tue Mar 4 2008
By saraksmith
672 views, 20 comments

shutting down the internet

Iran May Turn Off Internet During Elections

Here's something that should cheer up the Paultards: while President Obama may continue destroying the Constitution, it could be worse — Iran's government actually plans on turning off the Internet. As you may recall, this is the Paultards' worst fear. According to Iranian news outlets, the government may block private access to the Internet during the nation's legislative elections on May 14. They are worried that political parties could abuse it to spread "news information," a recent evolution from the Internet's original purpose, showing pictures of naked ladies. More »

6:28 PM on Mon Mar 3 2008
By Newell
1,078 views, 21 comments

Latest by TGY: Sure, when it comes to information, less is more. :p more »

bob allen

Liberal Elitist Democrat Wins 'Twenty Dollar' Bob Allen's Florida Seat

Democrat Tony Sasso (Sasso, Sasso, has a nice ring to it) has defeated some guy by 400 votes to win the special election for Florida House District 32. It's an important election on all levels, but coincidentally, this is the seat from which ex-Republican state Rep. "Twenty Dollar" Bob Allen resigned last year, after he was found guilty of offering blowjobs to everyone in the bathroom. Congratulations, SASSO! We half-wish the Republican challenger had won, however, since he would have been hilariously gay as well. [Orlando Sentinel]

12:44 PM on Thu Feb 28 2008
By Newell
758 views, 15 comments

Latest by moondancer: he was gay enough, but not a good enough liar for the GOP. more »

the foreigns: they're just like us

The Foreigns Vote Early And Often

Did you know that Americans aren’t the only ones to have elections? That’s right, the Foreigns do as well! Also, did you know that while American elections drag on for months and years like some grisly cavalcade of damned souls, many Foreign election campaigns are literally required by law to last only a couple of months? I know, it makes those crazy foreign lands sound like a wonderful paradise, if you can get past the cholera and the hairy armpits on the ladies! This week, take a look at some upcoming elections that will be long forgotten while our ass clowns are still jabbering away on the TV. More »

1:35 PM on Wed Feb 27 2008
By jfruh
1,761 views, 25 comments

Latest by TGY: Does that make George Bush America's Francisco Franco? Which, by the way, is a subtle way of avoiding Godwin's Law. more »

polar kings

Ted Stevens Will Be Permanent President Of Alaska

Alaska Senator Ted Stevens is as ancient and snowy white as the craggy glaciers his people farm in the Land of the Midnight Sun. And despite the fact that he is 1,000 years old and knows nothing about the Internet and is under investigation for graft, he has boldly decided to run for re-election, again. More »

11:38 AM on Fri Feb 22 2008
By saraksmith
1,740 views, 31 comments

remember the alamo

Mike Huckabee, In Close Discussions With Ego, Determines That Ego Does Not Like Campaigning

Last night, a saddened Mike Huckabee gathered with reporters and shared the contents of some private conversations he has had recently with his ego. “My ego doesn’t enjoy getting these kind of evenings where we don’t win the primary elections,” he admitted. His ego has not enjoyed many evenings this month. More »

10:14 AM on Wed Feb 20 2008
By saraksmith
1,267 views, 19 comments

spelling funnies

There Will Be Dancing In The Streets Of Lahore Today

As anyone who has seen White Nights can attest, there is one force in the world more dangerous and powerful than love. Or democracy. Wonkette operative “Ivan” sends us this image captured by the New York Times, in which we see secret agents smuggling this highly volatile substance into a major metropolitan area in Pakistan.

9:30 AM on Mon Feb 18 2008
By saraksmith
426 views, 8 comments

presidents day

Presidents Day Is For Shopping; Election Day Is For Shopping For Presidents

Are you reading this early Monday morning? Chances are you don’t have the Presidents Day Holiday off from work. Congratulations, because Wonkette has to work, too. Election 2008 will not pause for some pointless remembrance of a couple of dead presidents who founded the country or started the Civil War or whatever. We have cars to buy, on credit, but at some kind of potential discount! (Sorry about everything, George Washington and Abe Lincoln.) [Why Tuesday?]

12:52 AM on Mon Feb 18 2008
By KLayne
254 views, 9 comments

Latest by Lasthorseman: Don't you mean "selection" day? + Watch video more »

george w. bush

George Bush Saves World With CPAC Speech!

This morning at the frightening CPAC conference, our favorite President George W. Bush destroyed the Democrats:

”They tend to think Washington has the answers to our problems,” he went on. “They tend to believe our country only succeeds under the expansive federal government. They tend to be suspicious of America’s exercise of global leadership — unless, of course, we get a permission slip from international organizations.”

Those damn liberals — first they want to take over the Washingtons, then they want to find “answers to our problems”! Vote Republican, and we’ll blow up the Capitol and create a free market over the splayed limbs of Russ Feingold. [NYT]

11:16 AM on Fri Feb 8 2008
By Newell
1,413 views, 70 comments

Latest by suthrnbutterfly: How do you 'destroy' ANY part of politics? It's all a huge train wreck in my eyes... more »

mother mccain

Roberta McCain Admits No One Likes Her Son, Continues to Live

John McCain made the brilliant decision to let his batshit crazy 95-year-old mother, Roberta, go on the teevee again — probably unmedicated — and say some more senile old lady things. For this, we applaud him. Last time we heard from the oldest lady in the world, she criticized Mitt Romney for being a Mormon, and we laughed! This time she says that no one likes her son and that she has no idea what she’s talking about. God, this woman never misses the mark! More »

11:57 AM on Fri Jan 25 2008
By Newell
5,355 views, 32 comments

Latest by TheMac: The funniest thing about this interview is that Steve, who's usually so smooth and in-control, is CLEARLY trying to stop himself from laughing uproariously. more »

losers

Loser Huckabee Reverts To Poor Back Alley Preacher

For better or worse, it’s officially time to shut up about the Republican race being “wide open.” Either WALNUTS! will ride his momentum to the nomination or Mittens will charge just enough Super Duper Tuesday delegates to his AmEx. Fred died yesterday, Rudy is in sixth place, Ron Paul is a raging hobo and — as all the kids on the Internet are talking about today — Mike “God” Huckabee is broke and worthless. Everything the pundits said was bad about the long-term prospects of “Huckaboomania” turned out worse. More »

12:23 PM on Wed Jan 23 2008
By Newell
2,277 views, 19 comments

Latest by TWSS: "How does it feel, Michael? Does your Jesus love you now? Because, because he seems to like John McCain more, doesn't he? Doesn't he, MIKE?" I heard this part in the voice of Stewie from Family Guy. And it was good. more »

losers

Duncan Hunter FINALLY Quits

Presidential candidate for the Republicans Rep. Duncan Hunter has exited the race. We’ll miss his constant terrorist chatter about 864-mile walls he would build and Chinese people cheating at life. Hey, Duncan, yeah you, please, one second of your time, just hear us out: Haha bye. [CNN]

7:18 PM on Sat Jan 19 2008
By Newell
505 views, 12 comments

major non-endorsements

McCain Getting More Attractive By the Minute

As far as Tom “Riding the Botox Needle” DeLay is concerned, John McCain is a betraying, soulless, amoral and unprincipled piece of shit, and DeLay is really intimately familiar with betraying, soulless amoral and unprincipled pieces of shit because he owns 3 dozen mirrors and masturbates daily in front of every one of them. He’s also not a fan of Rudy Giuliani because Rudy looks better in a dress and gets more ass then he does. If either of them wins the primaries, he’s staying home. Unsurprisingly, he’s a big fan of the Huckles. [The Hill, via Schecter]

P.S. Santorum hates McCain too. Damn, Walnuts is starting to look kind of hot.

1:19 PM on Fri Jan 18 2008
By megancarpentier
666 views, 25 comments

Latest by trai_dep: Delay didn't anoint fellow Texan Ron Paul? B-u-r-n! more »

a come to jesus meeting

How the Game Is Played

Ok, see, Barry, this is how this thing is supposed to work. You’ve very craftily built your political appeal by not appearing to be a politician despite being a politician, and that’s not an easy thing. You talk about Hope™ and Change™ and you play the nice guy, the argument-soothing middle child, and then you win stuff and, you know, good for you for playing the game well. Your staff, though, as I’ve mentioned before, needs to get on board your “nice” train or stop talking to the press. A case in point is your spokesman Bill Burton. More »

11:25 AM on Fri Jan 18 2008
By megancarpentier
2,966 views, 61 comments

Latest by TJBeck: good call, winterbottom more »

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Bob Gates Speaks His Mind, Loves The Terrorists

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