Tag Archives: elections

  Pay up bitch

County Wants Aaron Schock To Pay For Special Election To Put New Buttcheeks In His Old Seat

We're sure he'll find a way to Shake This Off too.
Aaron Schock, the hot male personal photographer-having FORMER congressman from Illinois, still has a war chest with $3.3 million in it, due to he was apparently very good at fundraising, and also because he apparently had some very creative methods when it came to doing things on the taxpayers’ dime. Well, now he’s going to have to spend some of it, because the Marshall County Board, outside of Peoria, is really not in the mood to spend $76,000 to cover the costs of the special election party they have to throw, now that their baby-faced Instagram cover model boy had to resign from Congress, for being too much like Abraham Lincoln. Or maybe he resigned because he’s a criminal: Read more on County Wants Aaron Schock To Pay For Special Election To Put New Buttcheeks In His Old Seat…
  It'll be just like Robocop or Escape From New York.

Koch Brothers Pledge $889 Million To Least Losery 2016 Candidate, If Any

They just want to buy the White House is all
If President Obama’s lame-duck “don’t give a fuck” attitude has been improving your outlook on life lately, then fresh from Freedom Partners’ annual winter summit comes some news that will send you crashing right back down to Frown Town. An anonymous source who attended the summit told the Washington Post that Big Energy kingpins Charles and David Koch, the richest elder vampires of the richest family of bloodsuckers in the world, have apparently committed to spending a staggering $889 million during the 2016 general election. In other words, an unparalleled stream of cash that would make Donald Trump blush. Read more on Koch Brothers Pledge $889 Million To Least Losery 2016 Candidate, If Any…
  declare the pennies on your eyes

Don’t Like Getting Boned By State Taxes? Just Be Filthy Rich!

Anti-Fox comments reposted on my Tumbrel account
Here’s something every class warrior on the barricades should know: There isn’t a single state in the entire United States where a poor or middle income person can be assured of paying a lower percent of their income in state and local taxes than a wealthy person. That’s right, comrade! According to a comprehensive study by the Institute on Taxation and Economic Policy, literally every state in the country has a regressive tax system, thanks to heavy reliance on sales and excise taxes and insufficiently progressive income taxes (or in many cases, no income taxes at all): Read more on Don’t Like Getting Boned By State Taxes? Just Be Filthy Rich!…
  I Hear America Derping

Facebook Gun Hero Explains Assassinatin’ Beats Voting Every Time

Other than *that* it's a pretty compelling argument
From the Coalition to Stop Gun Violence Facebook page comes the above screenshot of a cheerful Election Day message from a pro-gun, pro-insurrection Facebook thing. The Facebook group is still up, though they’ve removed the image and the accompanying text, which read: Read more on Facebook Gun Hero Explains Assassinatin’ Beats Voting Every Time…
  ugh

Who The Hell Is Shelley Moore Capito? A Senator? WTF?

So this Republican, Shelley Moore Capito, is now gonna be the new Senator from West Virginia. And get this: the seat used to be held by a Democrat! What the what? Who is this Senator-elect, and how in the hell did Dems hold on to West Virginia so long? Time for a booze-filled election night wonksplainer. Read more on Who The Hell Is Shelley Moore Capito? A Senator? WTF?…
  Wonkette Guide to Electoral Shenanigans

Here’s Your Complete Guide To Frauding The Vote On Election Day

  When it comes to threats against fair elections in America, voter fraud is the new Black Panthers. The way everyone’s talking about electoral integrity this fall, people must be fake-voting coast to coast! With the midterm elections coming up on Tuesday, it’s time to ask: Is voter fraud right for you? Read more on Here’s Your Complete Guide To Frauding The Vote On Election Day…
  Kobach/Roberts 2016

Lefty Kansas Judicial Activists Join Corrupt Democratic Plan To Win Senate Race

The left-wing loons on the Kansas Supreme Court ruled on Thursday that Democratic gadabout Chadwick J. Taylor should be allowed to withdraw from the state’s three-way U.S. Senate race. Taylor, suffering from acute Democrat Humility Syndrome, was cruelly bullied by Harry Reid and his henchlady Sen. Claire McCaskill in a “corrupt bargain” to try to actually beat the unpopular Republican incumbent Pat Roberts of Virginia. Er, Kansas. Taylor selflessly stepped aside two weeks ago to allow independent candidate Greg Orman to utterly destroy Roberts (with votes) in a head-to-head matchup in November and send a non-Republican to represent Kansas in the Senate for the first time since the 1930s. Read more on Lefty Kansas Judicial Activists Join Corrupt Democratic Plan To Win Senate Race…
  Mark your calendars

Obama To Destroy America (Again) Within The Week, This Time With Messicans

Yep, this is the plan
Hide the children and the sheep, because the end of the world is coming again. And it is President Obama’s fault again. According to Hitler Fanboy Racist Piece of Filth Patrick J. Buchanan (“Pat” to his friends), we have exactly one week before the president burns the whole U.S. of A to the ground. Read more on Obama To Destroy America (Again) Within The Week, This Time With Messicans…
  won't anybody think of the rich and powerful?

Poor Persecuted Bazillionaire Tom Perkins Proves Critics Wrong: He *Can* Be A Bigger Dick

So you all remember Tom Perkins, right? He is the bazillionaire who is afraid that all the little people will go full-Nazi and holocaust all the rich people, because it was his turn to make the “just like Hitler” reference of the day. While he has since said that maybe, perhaps, the holocaust analogy went just a smidge over the line, he still feels that the rich are constantly getting dicked over by all the little people. In order to hammer home the point, he decided to go full-47%, a la Mitt Romney, and take aim at the takers: Tom Perkins suggested Thursday that only taxpayers should have the right to vote — and that wealthy Americans who pay more in taxes should get more votes. Clearly, Perkins is unimpressed with the current GOP efforts to block poor people from voting. Let’s explore the merits of One Dollar, One Vote, shall we?  Read more on Poor Persecuted Bazillionaire Tom Perkins Proves Critics Wrong: He *Can* Be A Bigger Dick…
  nice time!

Sandra Fluke To Slut Up Your Congress. Be Careful Out There, Congressmen.

Hey ladies. How you doing? With your uncontrolled libidos, we bet you are slutting it up all over the place, so thank the Spirit in the Sky that you can get free government slut pills so you can be as slutty as you wanna be! But maybe you whoring whoremonsters need some representation at the highest level of government, to make sure that your silly little “rights” are protected from Neanderthals who view modern women as ‘sluts’ and ‘prostitutes.’ Where, oh where, will we find a heroine who will be able to articulate the need for women’s equal access to healthcare, perhaps one who has already faced about as much criticism from the batshit crazy right as would be possible? Well, wonkeroos, open your legs wallets for Sandra Fluke, who has officially filed to run for Congress in California!  Read more on Sandra Fluke To Slut Up Your Congress. Be Careful Out There, Congressmen….
  bite the ballot

Send Us Your Anecdotal Reports Of Isolated Voting-Day Irregularities, America!

We’re completely certain that this tweet from Col. Morris Davis is an isolated incident of a minor technological glitch. Has to be, right? Davis was sure it was only a glitch, but also thought it was a good reminder to voters that they should double-check before pressing “submit.” Wonder how a nice strict Voter ID law would keep this sort of thing from happening? Read more on Send Us Your Anecdotal Reports Of Isolated Voting-Day Irregularities, America!…
  si se puede

Supreme Court Makes It Easier to Vote, Much to the Dismay of Conservatives Everywhere

Unless you have been living under a rock over the last few years, you know that the GOP has a not-so-new idea to try to win elections: prevent those who would vote against them from being able to vote, in the name of stopping voter fraud, which doesn’t really exist in any meaningful way, but is good for scaring wingnuts. Because why bother changing your core beliefs when you can just keep folks you don’t like (read: minorities) from voting? Yay democracy! Well, the Supreme Court (we say SCOTUS for our nerd cred, of course) has now weighed in, and decided to put the brakes on some states’ efforts to make it harder to vote. Since this is kinda a BFD, let’s Wonksplain, shall we? Read more on Supreme Court Makes It Easier to Vote, Much to the Dismay of Conservatives Everywhere…
  wonksplainer

Nation Remembers N.J. Sen. Frank Lautenberg For Several Minutes Before Commencing Electoral Freakout

You know who died? Besides Edith Bunker? New Jersey Democratic senator, actual son of a millworker and up from his bootstraps millionaire, almost-nonegenarian, and yeller at that whippersnapper Cory Booker Frank Lautenberg died, that is who. At 89, he was the oldest member of the Senate, and the last World War II veteran in the Senate. (The House still has 2 WWII vets.) But before he could even be remembered for calling Dick Cheney a chickenhawk (yay), working to improve environmental protections (yay), and raising the drinking age to 21 (boo), the usual media and political suspects went ALL CAPS ARGLE BARGLE #HASHTAGFREAKOUT over what would happen to replace him. The man literally died on Monday morning, and by noon there were 8,463 articles about replacing him. Why so much confusion? Forget it Jake. It’s New Jersey Town. New Jersey election law is as fucked up as the cast of Jersey Shore on a random Tuesday morning. The utterly incompetent people elected to the NJ statehouse decided in 2011 to rewrite the law regarding replacing a member of Congress who died. They did this in part because Sen. Lautenberg was old, and they wanted to make sure there was no confusion if anything unfortunate happened. Because of the aforementioned gross incompetence, they wrote two conflicting processes INTO THE SAME LAW. Clearly, there is no Grand Editrix in the NJ statehouse to catch such egregious errors, because SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK people? Read more on Nation Remembers N.J. Sen. Frank Lautenberg For Several Minutes Before Commencing Electoral Freakout…
  Faux Nooz

Megyn Kelly Simply Does Not Care For Those Black Helicopters Coming To Spy On Our Elections

Oh, Megyn Kelly! Don’t ever change, OK? Here is Megyn Kelly on Fox “News,” informing us that there may be an “extra set of eyes” on election day and those eyes may belong to the United Nations. Note the contempt with which she says “United Nations,” by the way, she might as well have been saying “the Muslim Brotherhood.” So anyway, yes! There MAY be an extra set of eyes! And they MAY belong to the United Nations! (They will probably belong to Jimmy Carter.) This is because “left-leaning civil rights groups,” aided by the Democrats, have called for U.N. election monitors because they SAY there are efforts to suppress the minority vote. Then she has a lady from True the Vote (which has been attempting to suppress the minority vote) offer the opinion that it’s “breathtaking,” the hypocrisy we’re seeing, just breathtaking, that they have gone to an INTERNATIONAL BODY that contains countries who have voter IDs! Can you believe that? Read more on Megyn Kelly Simply Does Not Care For Those Black Helicopters Coming To Spy On Our Elections…
  sore losermen

Fox News ‘Doctor’ Just Asking If Joe Biden Has Dementia, That’s All

This is a video of a Fox “News” “Medical” correspondent visiting Fox and Friends to argue that Joe Biden is either a drunk, obnoxious asshole OR a senile, drunk old man with dementia. Apparently these are the only explanations for interrupting someone that isn’t Jim Lehrer—being an obnoxious asshole, or having dementia. Read more on Fox News ‘Doctor’ Just Asking If Joe Biden Has Dementia, That’s All…
  urban americans

Hero Elections Officials in Ohio Save Voting Process From Black People

It is kind of an open secret these days that the GOP is marching ever closer towards becoming a far-right nationalist movement that self-legitimates using Biblical discourse combined with claims to a monopoly on expressions of American authenticity. So we shouldn’t really be too surprised every time a prominent Republican says something overtly racist, in an email, to a member of the press, about voting rights and who should have them and on what schedule. And yet we ARE surprised! We are kind of shocked actually! Not just this time, but every single time! We think this is probably because we are bleeding heart liberals who do not watch Fox News and are thus shielded from what America has become, although we welcome other theories. Anyway, Franklin County (Ohio) Elections Director William Anthony Republican Party chair and elections board member Doug Preisse (sorry, don’t know how we fucked up that one!) is firm on preventing early in-person voting because it is only “fair” and “reasonable” for voting to take place on a schedule that fails to accommodate urban people, by which he means black people, which he is actually kind enough to state outright in an email to a reporter with the Columbus Dispatch: Read more on Hero Elections Officials in Ohio Save Voting Process From Black People…
  man bites man

Failed President Sought Companionship Of President

After Obama’s quashing of lapsed aisle-straddler John McCain in 2008, people apparently thought this loser and winner could come together and do great things, as if the election were a tie or something, as if this were post-Blair England and the leadership options were so bad that the options had to band together in a coalition of mediocrity. People (Rick Santorum) apparently thought there was a place for McCain in Obama’s icy, aloof heart. But actually there was not ever, because Obama was and remains as previously described. Still, new scandals (that isn’t true) are coming to light, namely that McCain feels he was snubbed by Obama following the election. Snubbed! This is truly shocking. OUR OBAMA, snubbing someone? Read more on Failed President Sought Companionship Of President…
  vote for the one with the pants

Your Constantly Updated Wisconsin Recall Liveblog! (Send Us Pix/Stories!)

Only a few more hours until cherished Wisconsin krusher of collective action Scott Walker fends off some old liberal and destroys progressive politics forever! Or the old liberal pulls off the comeback upset of the decade and fends off Scott Walker and allows progressive politics to gradually stroll to its own destruction instead! Either way, the winner is clearly progressive politics. Huh? Here are some things that are happening in Wisconsin on this day, the day of St. Ronaldus Magnus Jr.’s recall election. (UPDATE: The lady who runs Wonkette has decided to turn this into a un-timestamped-but-still-livebloggy mcdongle type thing, so just keep refreshing for all of the important updates about “cheese state politics.”) Read more on Your Constantly Updated Wisconsin Recall Liveblog! (Send Us Pix/Stories!)…
  rise of the machines

Diebold Machines Lose Tens of Thousands of Votes in South Bronx, So What Who Cares

This just in: a catastrophic miscarriage of justice took place in the South Bronx when tens of thousands of votes went uncounted in the 2010 Senate and Governor’s election, but luckily South Bronx is full of Poors and also everyone knew who was going to win anyway. This came to light when the radio station WNYC reported in 2011 that tens of thousands of  votes had been lost in the 2010 races for both Senate seats and and the Governor’s mansion. In response to the very serious problem of the losing of 30% of votes cast, the state Board of Election and the electronic voting machines’ manufacturer ES&S (née Diebold) assembled a crack team of experts to figure out what went wrong. According to WNYC: There’s some kind of defect in these machines that when they overheat they can create what they’re calling phantom votes,” said Larry Norden, a deputy director with the Brennan Center. Read more on Diebold Machines Lose Tens of Thousands of Votes in South Bronx, So What Who Cares…
  is she right ladies???????

Ousted Senator Lugar Says Something True, WaPo Needs Its Fainting Couch

Richard Lugar, he of the many-termèd Indiana senate run, lost to fop Richard Mourdock in the state’s Republican primary Tuesday night, because Lugar is AULDE and believes in a passé political system similar to the one that John McCain believed in before he became a born-again baby. In his concession speech, Lugar very clearly outlined the insanity of the present-day Republican party and the “headwinds” he faced as a bipartisan-loving old softy running against the passed wind of the Tea Party. Well, that upset some people, because it was so rude. Melinda Henneberger of preeminent feminist blog SHE [UNDERSCORED WITH LIPSTICK] THE PEOPLE is one such (she)rson, and as part of a new, promising tactic at the Washington Post, Henneberger both cut and pasted bits of Lugar’s speech AND took on the voice of Lugar for her “news” “article” this morning and it’s probably going to get at least four pageviews discounting her own endless “open page in new tab” efforts. In her biggest play of the post, Henneberger says the Lugar campaign staff really should have “seen to it” that Lugar’s concession speech “was eaten by a computer virus.” OOOOOOOOOOOOOH. Read more on Ousted Senator Lugar Says Something True, WaPo Needs Its Fainting Couch…
  what is the problem?

Vladdy Putin Pledges To Take Young Voters’ Virginity

Vladimir Putin is all set to steal the Russian presidential election this week, so who knows why he’s even bothering to make campaign ads, but here’s one in which a young Russian girl (a tween?) is told that Vladimir Putin is the right man to take her virginity. Her political virginity? Eh, either one probably works for Putin. Read more on Vladdy Putin Pledges To Take Young Voters’ Virginity…