Tag Archives: election

  freelance law enforcement

Pennsylvania Reports Voter Intimidation From … REPUBLICANS?!?

So you know that huge terrifying black man we told you about, who is harassing old white ladies by opening the door for them? That’s called “voter intimidation,” and it’s practiced by minorities and the United Nations and tricky Democrats, because they don’t want to play by the rules, they can’t help it, they’re just awful people. Far more awful, for example, than the upstanding Republicans of Allegheny County, Pa., who are so patriotic they showed up to polling places this morning to enforce laws that don’t even exist! Read more on Pennsylvania Reports Voter Intimidation From … REPUBLICANS?!?…
  rush limbaugh expects an apology

Rush Limbaugh Thinks Chris Christie Is A Big Fat Fool

Oh ha ha ha, this is delightful! Two days ago, Chris Christie basically told Romney to go eat a dick because he wasn’t interested in prancing around with Mittens, looking for photo ops, while half of New Jersey’s coastline was still underwater. So today, Rush Limbaugh has decreed that Chris Christie is “fat” and a “fool” for daring to look after his state instead of Mitt Romney’s presidential ambitions. Doesn’t Chris Christie know that it’s Mitt’s Time?? Read more on Rush Limbaugh Thinks Chris Christie Is A Big Fat Fool…
  mittens' world

Mitt Romney Iz In Ur Hurricane, Privatizin Ur FEMA

Hello to all of you in the Eastern third of this great country, currently hoarding boxes of wine and tarp and more boxes of wine in order to hopefully get through Frankenstorm without killing your loved ones in a fit of cabin fever. How is that going for you, gathering all those supplies and whatnot? Would it go EVEN BETTER if you knew that there was no FEMA? Or, what if you knew that FEMA had been turned into a profit-making machine for Job Creators? Would that make you work EVEN HARDER to prepare for the oncoming storm? Absolutely it would, says Mitt Romney, and also, do you think that FEMA will help you pick of the pieces of your ruined lives if the worst should occur? LOSERS. This is nothing short of immoral. Read more on Mitt Romney Iz In Ur Hurricane, Privatizin Ur FEMA…
  no-shows

‘Joe’ the ‘Plumber’ Has No Time For ‘Debates’

Remember Joe the Plumber, that guy who isn’t really named Joe and isn’t really a plumber but nonetheless became famous for no particular reason during the 2008 election and then somehow managed to get a reporting gig for Pajamas Media and subsequently “wrote” a “book” that now sells for about $00.01 on Amazon? Yes, THAT “Joe” the “Plumber.” It pains us to inform you that he is also “running” for Congress with the same zeal he usually reserves for”plumbing” and book-“writing.” Read more on ‘Joe’ the ‘Plumber’ Has No Time For ‘Debates’…
  ron paul revolution or something

Mitt Romney Isn’t Telling Us Exactly How He Will Ruin The Housing Sector

Good news, everyone! Romney/Ryan have no specific plans to ruin the housing sector at this point, which is probably a good thing, given that Mitt Romney has been pretty clear about his interest in ruining education and Paul Ryan has a very specific plan to ruin Medicare and Medicaid. So let’s just all respectfully disagree with Business Insider, which thinks it’s a Bad Thing that the campaign’s white paper on housing policy is basically just a collection of vague platitudes about “too big to fail” and “common sense reform” and blah blah etc, with one little part about how much EASIER it will be for banks to foreclose on you. Read more on Mitt Romney Isn’t Telling Us Exactly How He Will Ruin The Housing Sector…
  lord and master of all he surveys

Gentleman Mitt Romney To Uppity Teacher: ‘I Didn’t Ask You a Question’

Here is a video from a nice lady who attended a Romney roundtable all interested and optimistic about the whole thing until Romney asked, “Which one of you is the teacher?” and being a teacher, this nice lady raised her hand. Then Romney began lecturing her about teachers unions and how we need to privatize everything and have charter schools, and how we suck as a country compared to Other Countries. Kind of tired of being lectured, this nice lady said “Oh I have an answer for that.” Romney, being the gentleman he is, responded “I didn’t ask you a question.” Read more on Gentleman Mitt Romney To Uppity Teacher: ‘I Didn’t Ask You a Question’…
  shining bigots on a hill

Not At All Racist or Sexist National Review Staff Tells You Why Not to Vote For The President

We need to get that uppity negro out of the White House because he only signs the back of checks instead of the front of them, but we are not racist! (says the National Review Online Staff). And also! The people who point out that we’re racist — THOSE are the real racists, OF COURSE. This is all laid out for us in a horrible/hysterical 689-item list of reasons to not vote for Obama.  So if you’re racist or sexist or hate Poors or really have a problem with education, then there is something in this list for you! Herewith, some of the highlights – and lowlights — of National Review’s 689 reasons to not re-elect Barack Obama. Read more on Not At All Racist or Sexist National Review Staff Tells You Why Not to Vote For The President…
  banksters

Romney’s London Money Party Imperiled By Impending Enron-Style Disaster

What is LIBOR, you might be wondering? And who has messed with it? And how exactly will a banking scandal in London have something to do Mitt Romney? Well, what wouldn’t it have to do with Mitt Romney? First things first: LIBOR stands for the London Interbank Offered Rate, and according to the BBC, it is one of the “most crucial rates in finance” because it underpins trillions of dollars in loans and financial contacts, including (OF COURSE!) American mortgages and student loans. And because a bunch of derivatives traders at Barclay have been playing around with this rate and trying to rig it since 2005, your mortgage payments or student loan payments might have been affected this entire time. (Evidence for this rate rigging includes the message “”duuuude… what’s up with ur guys 34.5 3m fix… tell him to get it up!” sent via one trader to another via unknown means. Yes, apparently they talk like this in the U.K. too.) Anyway, this scandal MIGHT (but probably won’t, knowing how these things usually go) lead to the resignation of Barclay’s CEO Bob Diamond, but in the meantime, it has led him to pull out of a Romney fundraiser.  Because surprise surprise, the corrupt CEO of a disgraced financial institution was such a big Romney fan that he was going to host a London fundraiser for the candidate. But it’s cool, Romney understands. Also, lots of other Barclays bankers have donated craploads of money to his campaign and even served as his policy advisers, so it’ll all work out. Read more on Romney’s London Money Party Imperiled By Impending Enron-Style Disaster…
  "begone insubstantial coward"

Paultards Traumatized By Rand Paul’s Romney Endorsement

Well, tragedy has struck in Ron Paul’s kingdom. Rand Paul endorsed Mitt Romney Thursday night on Sean Hannity’s show, presumably because he has been promised some high-profile position in Mitt’s Barbie and Ken’s Dream House™ cabinet. While those pioneering philosophers over at the Washington Post seriously ponder “what” Rand Paul’s endorsement “means” (absolute f#*&-all), other, better people have begun to tentatively trawl The Daily Paul for some commenter takes on what it means for Ron Paul’s supporters. The Atlantic Wire’s exceedingly polite collection: “Rand Paul is dead to me,” “All he had to do was not open his mouth,” and “We will never vote for Mitt Romney or your flimsy son.” We can and will do better than this. Read more on Paultards Traumatized By Rand Paul’s Romney Endorsement…
  those who can't...

How Sweet: Politico Helps Students Prepare For The AP US Government & Politics Exam

Politico has decided to encourage bad habits, like following laughable presidential campaigns and cramming, by trying to teach 10 lessons on AP Government & Politics by May 15, which is the day that Young America takes these “advanced” multiple choice and essay tests on the only nation in the world. It is only up to Lesson 4, which is called “Gaffe-ing Out Loud.” It proposes that if you read an article by one M. Haberman on how surrogates have figured in the 2012 election, which is one of the most historic of ever, you might score well because they are definitely going to ask a question or two about Mitt Romney’s fired gay spokesperson Richard Grenell (no they will not). To emphasize important things, the lessons include keywords that are both italicized and bolded (paging The Conservative Teen, RIP!) And at the end of each “lesson” is a “test”! One of the questions in the “test” at the end of this particular “lesson” is, “What do you think about the topic of this POLITICO article?” You are going to Harvard, all thanks to Politico. Read more on How Sweet: Politico Helps Students Prepare For The AP US Government & Politics Exam…
  stop everything you are doing

Herman Cain’s Latest ‘Campaign’ Video: The Government Is An Evil Man-Eating Chicken

Herman Cain’s taking advantage of the post-Santorum era, yes he is, with a new video reminding us of a tax plan too incomprehensible to distract America from true tales of sex and cash. Due to Cain’s need to, maybe, provide himself and his family with food and shelter using super PAC funds, the video is rather LO-BUDGE. The evil-looking anemic child featured in the ad is only given four speaking lines, because we are forever in a deep recession, if King B. Obama has anything to say about it. Not all that different from a You Can’t Do That On Television skit, “Chicken,” as it is called, shows what happens when “the American taxpayer,” the farmer star of this video, keeps feeding supporting actor “Big Government” (normal-sized chicken) large portions of his paycheck (genetically modified Monsanto grain feed) forever. The chickens just get hungrier and hungrier, nothing is ever enough, and then they eat the American farmer fellow. And then at the end there is this video game hero-esque version of Herman Cain (above) standing atop a mountain, looking out over his fake kingdom. Read more on Herman Cain’s Latest ‘Campaign’ Video: The Government Is An Evil Man-Eating Chicken…
  important issues of the day

Mitt Romney’s Modest ‘Manse’ Now Has a Car Elevator, Lobbyist

Mitt Romney’s small cottage in La Jolla is in the process of renovation, and the aggrandizing of this piece of real estate is such an important issue for the future of this nation that there is actually a guy assigned to lobby the house to the San Diego government. How do you lobby a house? Perhaps this involves wearing a button with a picture of the house on it? Carrying a model version of the house to show all the government workers how lovely life can be when you start from, well, something, work hard and “earn” every phone call your father ever made to his friends? Anyway, also, the “manse,” as one Romney campaign person once called it, apparently thinking “manse” is a prissy way of saying “very small castle,” (manse: a large stately house; a mansion, for any teens reading), will also have a car elevator, because many of Romney’s friends are elevator company owners, and his only real friends are cars. Read more on Mitt Romney’s Modest ‘Manse’ Now Has a Car Elevator, Lobbyist…
  pyramid schemes

McCain Throwing Party For Broke Bachmann Just For Something To Do

Despite his glowing endorsement of both Mitt Romney and Mitt’s opponent Barack Obama back in January, John McCain has decided to switch to the other other other team and help out Michele Bachmann, who is broke, by hosting a fundraiser for the ex-never president and current and possible future congressional hologram. McCain will be paid in oysters and champagne, and Jon Huntsman will make a brief appearance to say “Romney is a sack of shit” in Mandarin. It should be fun. We want to go! Read more on McCain Throwing Party For Broke Bachmann Just For Something To Do…
  who what where why argh

Liveblogging What Mississippi, Alabama Think Of 4 (Still 4!) Guys In Ties

Hi. Tonight we are reminded that this country has 50 states and even some territories, and each must have her chance to say, “Ahem” regarding positions of power. It’s time for us to tune in to Mississippi and Alabama (and later, after this Wonkette has gone to bed at 8PM PST or so, Hawaii) and see to what degree its people enjoy the last four lemon and orange Starbursts left in the package, as it were. Already John King is pressing rounded red squares, which means “N/A” in terms of actual information. So far we know that Romney is leading is Miss. and Santorum is leading in Ala. But do stick around, stay awhile! Look at the percent signs on your screen so long that they start to look very strange! Read more on Liveblogging What Mississippi, Alabama Think Of 4 (Still 4!) Guys In Ties…
  he hath spoken (through one of his spokespeople)

God: Romney Is ‘Accursed,’ Santorum Will Save Economy With Christianity

According to some utterer named Steven Andrew, God has spoken through a man with two first names, and it is time for Christians to unite behind Rick Santorum, because his Christ-inanity will fix the economy, and Mitt Romney is “accursed.” Further, Romney is “against everything the USA was founded upon,” by which he means Jesus Christ, and this is why he must go, says Steven “God” Andrew. Perplexingly, Santorum decided this weekend that the economy is refreshingly not a big issue in this election, suddenly, because it is never a big issue for him, who is still somehow running in this election in the name of the burning rubber scent of a zillion diaphragms. Anyway, why Rick, or this particular Rick? “God” says he is “mature,” which is what happens to the dried milk of livestock when it sticks around this earth and is not eaten. Read more on God: Romney Is ‘Accursed,’ Santorum Will Save Economy With Christianity…
  hoof in mouth syndrome

Palin: Obama Seems To Want To Go Back To The Days Of Slavery

Sarah Palin went on Heinity on Thursday to do some sort of to-the-core-of-the-earth analysis of something Obama-related, god knows what, but perhaps hugs? (Hannity describes it as a “sort of bit of information,” which is the closest any conservative has come to admitting how flea-sized this incident is.) And the gist was Sean Hannity asking Palin what all “this” “means.” Something something, Obama’s hug of a guy, “class warfare” and attempts to help the broke suggest that the president is “bringing us back” to the era in which blacks were considered to be 3/5 of a person. It’s true, this — wanting equality, supporting others who do — is a true replica of slavery, you can’t even tell the two apart. Read more on Palin: Obama Seems To Want To Go Back To The Days Of Slavery…
  children having children having children

Santorum: Contraception Is Evil Because This Racist Author Said So

During Wednesday night’s debate in some temporarily politically relevant zone of America, Rick Santorum defended his belief that contraception is dangerous and the cause, as opposed to the solution, to social problems like single motherhood and attendant issues e.g. poverty, but not zygotes, because they are not a problem but are excellent in every imaginable scenario. To bolster his claims, Mr. Rick invoked the thoughts and somehow not self-published words of Charles Murray, an author widely considered to be racist, or at the very, very least, severely blinkered, deranged and stuck in antebellum times. Murray is the author of a book called “The Bell Curve,” which apparently “argues that black people score lower on IQ tests because they are genetically inferior to whites.” Yes, truly shocking, Santorum’s interest in this “theory.” In that book, Murray and his co-author also conducted “research” “showing” that the average IQ of African Americans is 85, while the average IQ of whites is 103 and the average IQ of Hispanics is 89. Read more on Santorum: Contraception Is Evil Because This Racist Author Said So…
  weed as in the past participle of wee

Sarah Palin Declares ‘Wee-Wee’ to Be a Word, Thing That Santorum Haters Do

Sarah Palin went on Fox News to talk about Satan’s 2008 speech about Rick Santorum on Tuesday, and in the process made a sound that she then passed off as an adjective recognized by English speakers as something that people who don’t like Rick Santorum do when Rick Santorum does something that they don’t like. The sound was “wee-wee,” and its definition is…well, who can say? Is it the sound of pigs heading home from market? Is it the sound of crying? Is it a British child saying it has to go to the bathroom? The correct usage of this term is apparently “all wee-weed up,” which, so, grabbing one’s crotch in uncertainty and fear? Well, according to OBAMA, who uttered this very same expression in 2009, it means bedwetting. You see, well, when Obama says things, we must all go running for the dictionary, because he holds an elected office, and, not insignificantly, stays in that office for the appointed time. Read more on Sarah Palin Declares ‘Wee-Wee’ to Be a Word, Thing That Santorum Haters Do…
  future shock

CNBC Publishes Secret AP Election Results; Republicans Lose

What’s the New World Order/Nobama got in store for the Teabaggers on Election Night? Nothing but pain, if these leaked Election 2010 results are to be trusted — and they are “not to be published or broadcast” until the Powers That Be are ready to announce Permanent Halloween for America’s tightly-wound white people. So many important Republican/Teabaggers are losing, with 40% reporting or whatever! Carly Fiorina, John McCain, Richard Shelby, Ken Buck, Christine O’Donnell, Mark Kirk, David Vitter, Sharron Angle, Tom Coburn, even Chuck Grassley … all losers! CONCEDE YOU IDIOT LOSERS, the Associated Press is calling it! And in the biggest upset of the election, Alvin Greene has soundly beaten Jim DeMint, 45%-40%. YES HE CAN! Read more on CNBC Publishes Secret AP Election Results; Republicans Lose…
  like 'lost' + 'american idol' x 1 billion

Join Us For Liveblogging, Tonight, Coast To Coast!

From New Jersey to South Carolina, Maine to Arkansas, Northern California to Southern California, tonight will be the most explosive Primary Election of June 2010, and you can be there, live, by simply being wherever you are, and following the news while drinking! This is what we call Liveblogging In America, and we hope you’ll join us for hours of potential fun. The action starts whenever polls close in the Easternmost state holding an election — check Wikipedia for details! — and will only end once Orly Taitz claims her victory as Secretary of State of California! Okay, load up on the liquor and pills and “chronic” and health food and dangerous-yet-legal weapons, and we’ll see you back here at approximately 8 p.m. Eastern Time, 5 p.m. Pacific. Read more on Join Us For Liveblogging, Tonight, Coast To Coast!…
  gotcha documentaries

Sarah Palin Interview Circuit Now Includes Wingnut Documentaries About MSM Lies

Here’s Sarah Palin being interviewed for some guy’s upcoming documentary about how the media stole her presidential victory and gave it to Barack Obama — TOO TRUE — by showing wholesale clips of her babbling embarrassing nonsense for minutes at a time, without interruption. This clip is over nine minutes long but we recommend watching it all, for hilarity. The best parts are when she’s watching old clips of herself being mocked on the interviewer’s portable teevee. She gets angry! [Big Hollywood] Read more on Sarah Palin Interview Circuit Now Includes Wingnut Documentaries About MSM Lies…