Here is some awesome footage of Suzanne Malveaux telling viewers that the Clinton campaign was already congratulating Obama on his big win in the Potomac Primaries … two minutes before the first polls closed in Virginia and two and half hours before polls closed in Maryland. Hillary probably could’ve won the whole thing if Malveaux had just KEPT HER MOUTH SHUT.

Even though she lost every primary, caucus, and bake-off in the continental United States (and the Virgin Islands!) this weekend, Hillary Clinton has this whole Presidential nomination thing in the bag. Her secret weapon: brave political leader and sometime animated cat dancer Paula Abdul, who effectively gives Clinton the nod in the LA Times. MORE »

History tells us the careful selection of a vice president has always been a make-or-break element of presidential campaigns. Who can forget George H.W. Bush tapping an illiterate youngster to be a heartbeat away from the presidency, Bill Clinton’s daring twinsies routine with fellow Southerner Al Gore, or William Howard Taft’s bold partnership with a stuffed ferret in the historic election of 1908? Now, as the nation stands poised to elect its first 110-year-old president, who will be John McCain’s running mate? (Belated thanks to reader Sanduo for the picture.) MORE »

George W. Bush is still president? I thought we had six presidents, mostly in Florida now, who will slowly whittle down to one: the most Changing candidate. Is Bush still doing things, laws and lies and such, and we don’t know because we’ve been watching the 2008 crowd? Did he mention a War on Syria in that speech, a surprise war, that’s somehow three, four weeks old, and we have no shred of a clue? I didn’t watch the State of the Union, but I bet it was… that.

Here’s the governor of Kansas, Kathleen Sebelius, giving the Democrat response. MORE »

Mittens is an awful man, and a Mormon. No one likes him beyond the various unemployed welders of Michigan, Tom Tancredo and maybe son Tagg or Craig. He tells lies and he shits plastic. But no cadre of individuals loathes Mittens more than the other Republicans running for president, as the New York Times brilliantly pointed out today. Finally, we can agree with Rudy Giuliani, WALNUTS! and Huckabee about something! Maybe Mitt really is a uniter. MORE »

Bill Clinton wants to kill you. All of you. When Bill Clinton gets angry, he wants to kill everything. At least this has been the tale the last couple of weeks — rumors abound that Ted Kennedy and Rep. Rahm Emanuel, neither of whom is known for their soothing qualities, have been telling Bill to shut up before he destroys the party. But Bill Clinton has never shut up in his life. MORE »

The slap fest continues in this last installment of the Six Minutes of Debate Fight Heaven. Barack doesn’t know who he’s running against — Bill or Hillary — when really it’s John Edwards who’s poised to win several presidencies. Then he does a great spread-palm “what’s this crazy liebot jabbering on about?” aside to the crowd. Of course, he’s standing in dangerous territory, playing all mean like this, and that’s no place to stand when there’s a nitroglycerine-breathing Clinton next to you. Enter the Rezko stab, smite the Demrat party for good.

Here’s the proverbial jaw-smashing uppercut, the personal swipe that grows Barry a set if only for a few fleeting seconds, the killer double-down dropkick sawed-off body smash slam: The Walmart Card. An angry, angry panda, that Barry Hussein is.

After issuing such thoroughly racist slurs as “fairy tale” and “Lyndon Johnson passed a civil rights bill,” the Clintons are now trailing Barry Obama by 50 points — 66% to 16% — among black voters, according to a new Rasmussen Reports survey. The Clintons still lead among crackers, 41% to 27%, which must mean she is 14% more racist than Obama, or some such. Silly Clintons! Don’t they know that it was Senator President Martin Luther King Jr. who pushed that civil rights legislation through Congress? [Rasmussen Reports]

In an interview with NBC today, George W. Bush responded to all these candidates talking about Change, because what’s so bad with the way things are now? Of course it’s nothing, he says. It’s just something those politick-types like to say to win presidential elections and maybe get laid. MORE »

OK, no more “promises” about when stuff appears. Let’s just say Ron Paul is a flirt and Tom Tancredo thinks Liz needs to learn a thing or two about what “racism” means. We’re in the lobby of the Manchester Radisson now, somehow on the set of MSNBC’s Morning Joe, with the Dennis Kucinich campaign team (very nice people!) on one side and Chris “Rangoon” Matthews (avoid! avoid!) on the other. As it turns out this is the only way to get Internets in the state of New Hamsters. MORE »

Mike Huckabee just went on the teevee sets to congratulate himself for winning Iowa. He is a happy Jesuser tonight! But as we all know about Jesusers, that happiness only conceals a disbelief in evolution. Still, congrats to Huck — I transcribed his speech in real time. Although I may have gotten a word or 200 wrong… MORE »

Mitt Romney PWNED the consensus funnyman of the Republican field, Mike Huckabee, with this the funniest joke in world history. And it only required 14 staffers to tweak the language! [YouTube]