Tag: election

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Screw The Polls, Here’s How Every Democratic Senate Challenger Is Gonna Win

We have told you a bunch of made up reasons why every single endangered incumbent Senate Democratic is actually going to win and Nate Silver can go suck a poll of likely voters. Now let’s examine the Dem candidates...
The first time I set eyes on Nate Silver, I just got that old-fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone him.

How Every Endangered Senate Democrat Will Win In November, Because Why Not

It looks like Republicans are probably going to control the Senate next year despite how people don't like them, according to Nate Silver's FiveThirtyEight blog and other respected nerds. In 2012, Silver famously predicted the winner of every Senate race,...
Turn that poo-face upside down, Sarah.

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah’s Getting Pretty Tired Of This Internet ‘Job’

This week's edition of The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker, is intelligible only if you speak election-year argle-bargle at a 12th-grade level or higher. Palin's most recent piece of content is completely incoherent, and yes, we know,...

GOP Senate Hopeful Totally Not Sorry For Despicable Ad Exploiting James Foley’s Execution

Let's say you are a Republican running for Senate in New Mexico against the current and quite popular Democratic Sen. Tom Udall, and your chances of winning are slightly better than a snowstorm in hell. What do you do?...

Nice Time Update: SC Town Reinstates Lesbian Police Chief Fired By Jerkwad Mayor

We sure do like the occasional story where people Do the Right Thing and there's actually a win for the little guy. And here's one right now: You might remember our April story about Crystal Moore, the former police...

Jon Stewart Amazed & Stunned By Eric Cantor’s Amazing Stunning Loss (Video)

For once, Jon Stewart said Wednesday, a news story lives up to the hype on cable news: Eric Cantor's surprise loss to an unknown tea party Brat really was pretty spectacular. After all, Cantor was the 4th most powerful...

If You Want To Vote In Miami-Dade County, You’re Going To Need Excellent Bladder Control

So let's say you are a well-populated county (just go with it, please) and people express concern that the bathrooms available at your polling places -- where people sometimes wait for HOURS to vote -- are not sufficiently accessible...

Ted Nugent Will Poop On Wendy Davis Like She Is His Underwear In The Vietnam Draft

We don’t know much about Texas politics, and we don’t want to. But it strikes us as maybe a bit desperate of Republican gubernatorial candidate Greg Abbott to be campaigning with Ted Nugent, the terminally conservative guitar man of...

Joe Arpaio Gives Flag-Murdering Prisoners Only Bread & Water, Protecting Future Of America, His Career

It's been a little while since we last checked in with Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, America's Most Publicized Sheriff. The Arizona hero undertook a very important program of mandatory love of country in the jail last November, playing...

Hell Is Other Countries: Sarin In Syria, A New Man In Iran

Our ten-foot pole has arrived, which means we are finally ready to touch the dual shitstorms of Syria and Iran! The latest news on Syria is that our duly-elected warlord, Field Marshal B. Barry Bamz, has decided to steer...

GOP: Downward Facing Dog Invites Satan To ‘Invade Your Empty Vacuum’

After a stressful day of working (or hanging out in a workplace man cave), many Americans unwittingly risk handing their immortal souls over to Beelzebub through smoking weed premarital sex witchcraft yoga.  Satan is apparently incarnated in that cute...

Newly Published Documents Detail Romney’s Specific Plan to Ruin White House, Country

What exactly would a Romney presidency have been like? Yes, of course it would have been horrible, we know that. But in what specific WAYS would have it been horrible? See, now we know the answer to this question,...

Ann And Mitt Romney Adjust To Sad Lonely Life Of Regular Old Centi-Millionaires

Mitt Romney is SO VERY SAD, you guys. All he wanted was to be President. That's it. He had a dream, just a simple dream, and You People crushed it. So now he spends his days alone, shuffling around...

Tea Party Learns Its Painful Electoral Lesson: That Mitt Romney Was Too Moderate

It is so much fun to watch the Party of Personal Responsibility point fingers and self-implode, isn't it? It certainly is! Today's finger-pointing blame-game session comes courtesy the Tea Party, which has engaged in about a week of sober...

Rick Santorum Will Gladly Compromise With Democrats To Ruin Social Security For You

Oh finally, Rick Santorum has written a column on the Hill, weighing in on the election and What It Means! And What It Means is that the GOP will FINALLY, after all this time, cooperate with President Obama on...

Bill O’Reilly: GOP Would Have Gotten Away With It Too If It Weren’t For These Hispanic Moochers Who Want Handouts

Would you like Bill O'Reilly's advice on what the Republican party could have done differently to avoid losing the Presidency and their chances of a GOP Senate? Of course you would, and here it is! First off, says Bill...