• PENNSYLVANIA CALLED FOR OBAMA: So sayeth MSNBC, and this means ….

If you were watching CNN around 7:15 ET then you saw this frightening hologram beast named “Jessica Yellin” appear from the planet Saturn to talk about, uh, Obama and the elections. So… who the hell greenlit this? BILL BENNETT? [Philadelphia Examiner]

Polls have closed, in some states! Your Wonkette Team, the best team of Wonkette editors on TeeVee, is here, along with serious supplies of wine, champagne and assault rifles. Mark Warner is your new Virginia Senator, yay, and sleazy fartbag Mitch McConnell is losing a bit, right now, in Kentucky. Vermont has gone for what’s his name, the King of Man, the Socialist-Terrorist. MORE »

Hello friends! Your editors need to go gather supplies (guns, liquor) and walk our various beasts in the fields, and otherwise prepare for what begins at 7 p.m. Eastern. So enjoy this picture of a patriotic apple-o-bama pie by Ruth D., and tell us your election/voting tales of fun and horror, inside, in the comments. (ALSO: What is wrong with McCain’s website??!) MORE »

If you’ve got a spare ticket to Obama’s Election Night Party in Chicago, you are going to get more ass than a toilet seat. Possibly attractive people are offering full access to all their various orifices to any creep with the special currency of Tuesday Night at Grant Park. Join us for a lecherous tour of Chicago Craigslist offers and demands. MORE »

Here is a very special TO-DO with all the bars in DC and New York (and Arizona and Bangkok) that will be hosting Big Election Night Parties. (More U.S. and Global parties are here!) Go sake o’bombing and see the Yes We Can-Can! dancers because who knew there are so many alcohol-Obama hybrid puns that we can believe in? Also, what’s a party without celebrities? Here we have some gal who used to be on American Idol and star of MTV’s The Hills Jeffrey Rosen. MORE »

Good lord, Wonkette should just preemptively schedule a “recovery day” for Nov. 5, as none of you people will be in any shape to read words or process numbers next Wednesday. We asked for your SEXY ELECTION PARTYTIME listings, and we have a couple dozen fine offerings from Washington D.C. to Washington State, Tokyo to Tacoma, Bridgeport to Boston, Dallas to Dublin, Ottawa to Quetzaltenango, Sarasota to Seattle, Memphis to, uh, Ho Chi Minh City … plus Vegas and San Francisco and Brooklyn and MORE, MORE. MORE »

SEXY PARTIES: Is your bar or club or bathhouse or even your actual house-house hosting an Election Night party open to the public, or at least to fancy Wonkette readers? Then send us the basic info (Address, time, entry requirements, theme, etc.) under the subject line LIST MY SEXY ELECTION PARTYTIME and Intern Juli will add it to our Big Election Night To-Do Special, posting Thursday!

John McCain won’t speak at his “Victory Party” on Election Night, the AP just reported. Instead, he’ll “deliver postelection remarks to a small group of reporters and guests on the hotel’s lawn.” Really? This is what your campaign announces 10 days before the election? That you’re such a furious loser that you’ve decided, in advance, to not address your supporters at your Election Night party? MORE »

We commend the Secret Service agents assigned to Barack Obama, who have to put up with all of this INSANE crap he always announces a mere couple of weeks before big events, such as, “let’s not hold this historic rally in a safe, easily securable arena, let’s have it in a HUGE OPEN-AIR PLACE WITH GUNS EVERYWHERE.” Because the Obama campaign has chosen Chicago’s Grant Park, an enormous FIELD, as the venue for his election night rally, where he will deliver a speech, outdoors, in the dark. Why is Barack Obama trying to give everyone heart attacks? [The Swamp]