Tag Archives: election 2012

  If You Strike Him Down He'll Become More Powerful Than You Could Possibly Imagine

Donald Trump Fires Macy’s For Letting Mexican Rapists Into America

It's A Big Lady, Take a Shot of Jager
Trumpendammerung 2015 continues today, as Macy’s becomes the latest of the Great White Shart’s branding associates to say “Adios, puto!” After Trump’s assertion that Mexico is “sending” a whole bunch of rapists and murderers and, he assumes, “some good people” across the border, it’s as if the Trump magic has worn off, and a whole bunch of businesses have sleepily rubbed the gold-leaf fairy dust out of their eyes, wondering why they ever hooked up with that asshole in the first place. And now, all the gold accents in the world won’t help Trump, because nobody likes gilt by association. Read more on Donald Trump Fires Macy’s For Letting Mexican Rapists Into America…
  nasty as he wanna be

Roger Ailes Did Not Spend All That Money On A Glass Desk To Not Be Able To See Your Snatch

Roger Ailes, that jowly old leftover from the Cantina scene in Star Wars, turns out to be exactly the sort of high-minded gentleman that you might expect, assuming his mind is located a few inches south of his belt buckle. We have another batch of pre-release ugly bits from that new biography from Gabriel Sherman, this time courtesy of the intrepid muck-sorters at Media Matters, who found the icky stuff so people who eagerly buy the book can plausibly say they never read it. Turns out that one of the longest categories in the book’s index is “Legs, Ailes’s fixation on.” As we already knew from Gretchen Carlson, ladies on Fox and Friends were forbidden to wear the pantaloons; now we find that no matter what was going on in the world, Ailes knew what mattered for Fair And Balanced News: gams, drumsticks, pins, alabaster pillars, stems, getaway sticks, Legs. We knew that he was kind of an extremist, but had no idea how obsessed he was with extremities. Read more on Roger Ailes Did Not Spend All That Money On A Glass Desk To Not Be Able To See Your Snatch…
  too explosive for primetime

After Trump’s Top-Secret GOP Convention Video Surfaces On Breitbart, A Stunned Nation Demands Romney Take Office

So here is the “big surprise” that America missed because the first night of the 2012 Republican National Convention got hurricaned out. Of course, it ceased to be much of a “surprise” the second Trump announced he’d be doing something at the Convention (“Bet he’s going to say ‘you’re fired’ to an Obama look-alike,” said everyone, rolling their eyes, especially Wonkette alumnus Alex Pareene). Excerpts of the video aired on the “Today” show back in September, for that matter. But now, finally, Dead Breitbart’s Internet Home For Imaginary Journalists brings us The Whole Thing, so everyone can see just how brilliant and game-changing it would have been. We have watched it, and can only say that this is, sadly, no lost masterpiece. For that matter, it is no The Day The Clown Cried. Even so, let us look upon Trump’s work, and dream of what might have been. Read more on After Trump’s Top-Secret GOP Convention Video Surfaces On Breitbart, A Stunned Nation Demands Romney Take Office…
  What is this I don't even?

Your Smile-Time Schadenfreude Headline Of The Day: Michele Bachmann Is ‘Very Proud’ That She ‘Didn’t Get Anything Wrong’ in GOP Primary Debates

Yes, she really said that. As CityPages’ Aaron Rupar reports, the woman who the AP gave up on fact-checking because she “was so full of shit, the AP would’ve needed round-the-clock staff to check all the claims she made” said this in an interview yesterday at Patrick Henry College in Purcellville, Virginia: “If you are a conservative you can never get anything wrong. I was very proud of the fact that I didn’t get anything wrong that I said during the course of the debates. I didn’t get anything wrong and that’s a huge arena.” Read more on Your Smile-Time Schadenfreude Headline Of The Day: Michele Bachmann Is ‘Very Proud’ That She ‘Didn’t Get Anything Wrong’ in GOP Primary Debates…
  Happy Christmas War Is Over

Romney Advisor Wants Free Gay Abortions For Everyone!

Oh, golly, this is exciting! Some guy named Dave Kochel, one of Mitt Romney’s 2012 campaign advisors, said on an Iowa TV politics show, “frankly, the culture wars are kind of over and Republicans largely lost.” Whoohoo! Performance art and free abortions for everybody! Read more on Romney Advisor Wants Free Gay Abortions For Everyone!…
  a Svenjolly -- with a cheerful mental hold on her

Michele Bachmann Campaign Aides Fighting Over Who Was Slimiest Slime Ever

Today we have another entry in that timeless political genre, the Disputed Insider Account of a Failed Presidential Campaign. This time around, the dish involves the implosion of Michele Bachmann’s highly amusing 2011-2012 campaign (for PRESIDENT!), which one former aide suggests would have gone just swimmingly had the candidate not come under the hypnotic influence of another aide, who the first aide claims held an “unnatural” and “Rasputin-like” hold over the otherwise completely calm and rational Bachmann. Now, the most important thing to keep in mind here is that all of these people thought Michele Bachmann would be an awesome president. So tell us, Buzzfeed’s Andrew Kaczynski, which faction of crazies is right? Read more on Michele Bachmann Campaign Aides Fighting Over Who Was Slimiest Slime Ever…
  Like Gatsby Except Stupid Boorish and Mean

2012: Year Of The Short-Fingered Vulgarian

We will confess it, Wonkers, Yr. Doktor Zoom is only doing this post in the hopes that he too may join the elect group of Wonkette writers who have managed to piss off diapered homunculus Donald Trump enough that he yelled incoherent cusses at them on Twitter. (That, and the huge bucket of Wonkette Ameros we get for each and every post.) And so, let us briefly review the Year In Trump, the Yoogest, classiest year ever! Read more on 2012: Year Of The Short-Fingered Vulgarian…
  don't pretend you don't want it

Teh Year in Ghey: A Wonktrospective

It has been a banner fucking year for the teh gheys. There was tons of election-winning, gay-marrying, company-wrecking, and general ruining of morals and common decency everywhere. Shockingly, we learned that a lesbian cabal runs the DHS, because when the revolution comes it will damn sure start with ‘mos taking over executive agencies. We watched as the heroic group known as “One Million Moms” declared victory against JC Penney and Ellen Degeneres by deciding that they wouldn’t fight anymore (WHICH IS TOTALLY WINNING YOU GUYS) until they decided to get mad all over again, because history’s greatest monster lesbian played an elf in a Christmas TV commercial. Will Ellen’s reign of terror never end? Also, too, One Million Moms is apparently mad at a whole ton of gay things: Read more on Teh Year in Ghey: A Wonktrospective…
  two-time loser says what?

Mitt Romney Didn’t Want To Be President Anyway, You Jerks

Whatever, being president is dumb. Who would want that anyway? I’m glad I didn’t get to be president. I’m going home. And give me my basketball back! These are the thoughts of one Willard Romney, per his son of equally silly name, Taggert, who told the Boston Globe that, like, whatever man, Dad didn’t even want that stupid job, and that he didn’t even really want it during the campaign, either. Believe it, folks: The man who ran for president — twice — didn’t actually want to be president. Read more on Mitt Romney Didn’t Want To Be President Anyway, You Jerks…
  Still Watters Run Derp

How Long Before Fox News Ambush Guy Who Donated To Obama Hits Unemployment Line?

Jesse Watters, the Fox News correspondent who made a name for himself as Bill O’Reilly’s ambush interview guy, has some ‘splaining to do. Politico’s Dylan Byers reports that a Federal Elections Commission filing shows Watters donated $500 to the Obama campaign in late September. Which kind of seems at odds with his recent on-air opinion that Obama voters are “zombies” who would mindlessly support their Dear Leader “as long as there was Obamacare, gay marriage and abortion on demand.” (Then again, he’s also a guy who — assuming he was involved in producing this idiotic video clip — thinks using “record scratch” sound effects is a hilariously comedic way to suggest that someone is terribly wrongheaded. Skee-RATCH???) Read more on How Long Before Fox News Ambush Guy Who Donated To Obama Hits Unemployment Line?…
  speed walking the yucatan peninsula

Jan Brewer Is Your New Mark Sanford Of Unexplained Weird (Sex?) Trips

Lady Governess Janice Brewer of Arizona has left her state on “official business.” Well, let’s be fair: Grand Dame Brewer has left her state for completely unexplained reasons, during which she failed to certify election results, and will be back Saturday, so shut up. Gov. Jan Brewer has taken a nearly week-long out-of-state work trip that was shrouded in secrecy Monday as she skipped an event to certify election ballots and her spokesman refused to disclose her location. Brewer spokesman Matthew Benson said in a brief email to The Associated Press that Brewer was unavailable to participate in the general election canvass Monday morning because she was out of the state on official business. “That is all I can disclose at this time,” Benson added. Now, you might be reminded of South Carolina Republican lothario Gov. Mark Sanford, who cold boned an Argentinian lady for a while, but pretended he was “hiking the Appalachian Trail” instead when he wanted to leave South Carolina for a while to go have rich sex with her.  Is Jan Brewer going on a sex binge the likes of which Arizona has never seen before?  Read more on Jan Brewer Is Your New Mark Sanford Of Unexplained Weird (Sex?) Trips…
  We Just Falafel About This

Bill O’Reilly Is Very Peeved That People Found His Racist Rant Racist

Watch the latest video at video.foxnews.com So, Mr. O’Reilly here is really cheesed at You People for calling him a racist. All he did was point out that Barack Obama was reelected by a bunch of poor nonwhite people who want productive white Americans to give them All The Things, and then people started calling him bad names. Like “racist,” which is certainly a new one for Bill O’Reilly that he has never been called before! But look, children, Mitt Romney came out just a week after the election and said pretty much the same things himself, as Mr. O’Reilly points out. It’s just the truth! Nobody called Romney a racist (sure they did! Really! More than once!), but Romney also didn’t actually come out and say “White America is over, man.” He just implied it, like. Read more on Bill O’Reilly Is Very Peeved That People Found His Racist Rant Racist…
  pantheon of fallen heroes

Allen West Insists It’s Not Over, While Singing Fat Lady Tramples All Over Him (With Votes)

At long last, we just might maybe have a possibly-final result for the race for Florida’s 18th U.S. Congressional District. We think. As you may be aware, Florida does not have the most competent election system in the Union, which has led to a wee bit of uncertainty about whether wingnut torture-lover and Muslin-disliker Allen West has conclusively lost or not. See, the first vote count showed he was behind, but not enough for an automatic recount, so when West insisted on a recount, a judge said No Way, but then the St. Lucie County elections board said, OK, sure, we’ll recount… And then they failed to finish that recount in time for it to affect the election one way or the other, but maybe that makes no difference since the recount actually increased the lead for West’s opponent, Congressman-elect (probably) Patrick Murphy. As the New York Times essplains, Regardless, under Florida law, previously submitted results favoring Mr. Murphy will be certified unless an emergency exemption is granted by the state. So maybe this particular long national nightmare is over (?) Read more on Allen West Insists It’s Not Over, While Singing Fat Lady Tramples All Over Him (With Votes)…
  Mencken Was Right

Charlotte Allen’s Startling Insight: Lots Of Voters Are Idiots, So Sarah Palin 2016

Charlotte Allen, the Independent Women’s Forum writer who’s mostly known for a notorious 2008 column about how silly women just couldn’t help voting for Barry Obama because women are just such dumbbunnies, has “a suggestion for cutting short the GOP angst” in the wake of Obama’s reelection: The Republicans should just go ahead and give Sarah Palin the 2016 nomination right now. She’s so certain of the self-evident wisdom of this recommendation that she immediately follows it with “You think I’m joking? Think again.” OK! We find your ideas intriguing! Tell us more! Also, do you have a newsletter? Read more on Charlotte Allen’s Startling Insight: Lots Of Voters Are Idiots, So Sarah Palin 2016…
  All Over But the Shouting

Panty Prosecutor Wins, Evolution-Dumper Loses: Your Lesser Candidate Wrap-Up!

It occurred to us that we have not followed up on some very important electoral news: Namely, the fate of several candidates who nobody had ever heard of until they briefly shone in the “weird news” column, and then disappeared from view. What happened to those wackos with all their wackiness? Let it never be said that Your Wonkette doesn’t follow up! Read more on Panty Prosecutor Wins, Evolution-Dumper Loses: Your Lesser Candidate Wrap-Up!…
  The Walking Dead

Loser Congressman Joe Walsh Predictably Refuses To Go Away, Weighs Run For Senate Or Governor Or DWTS Or Something

Check your betting slips, kids! Who had Joe Walsh (R-Camp Crystal Lake) in the betting pool for “first defeated douchecanoe to announce they’re running again”? The deadbeat dad and shouty pantsload won the honor of leading off our “Pantheon of Fallen Heroes” series last week, and now he’s pursuing the coveted Not Quite Dead status of such legendary comeback kids as Grover Cleveland, Richard Nixon, and Jason Voorhees (only time will tell whether Walsh will ever attain Joker Immunity, however). In fact, within just 12 hours of losing his House race to Tammy Duckworth by a full 10 points, Walsh was speculating that it might be fun to run for Illinois Governor, or maybe for the U.S. Senate. Read more on Loser Congressman Joe Walsh Predictably Refuses To Go Away, Weighs Run For Senate Or Governor Or DWTS Or Something…
  Votageddon 2012 Update

Arizona Taking Even Longer To Count Votes Than Florida, Which May Get Unearned Sense Of Competence

Arizona appears to be ahead in the race to the bottom of the electoral-competence barrel, yay! Nearly a week after the election, hundreds of thousands of votes were still waiting to be tallied. To the surprise of absolutely no one, the mess appears to be at least in part a result of the state’s efforts to suppress minority voting enhance ballot security, resulting in a large number of provisional ballots that must be verified by hand. Early votes also make up a large portion of the uncounted ballots, which you would think is a little odd since they were, you know, early and stuff. Read more on Arizona Taking Even Longer To Count Votes Than Florida, Which May Get Unearned Sense Of Competence…
  Whine and Jesus Party

A Children’s Treasury of Random Wingnut Post-Election Butthurt (Part Douche)

As we have already pretty much established, America is Over Now, so all that’s left is just sitting around and waiting for the last few remaining embers of Freedom to burn out. If we’re really lucky, the Ancient Mayans or Space Jebus will just smash the Earth and be done with it. So let us see what further Elevated Whining there is to review. To start with, there’s Orson Scott Card, the Mormon propagandist / anti-ghey crusader / science fiction writer who wrote one pretty good novel (OK, and his early stories were often quite nice, too) but has of late declined into a sad, right-wing parody of himself. He has discovered the truly perfidious villains responsible for the reelection of Barack Hussein Obama. You will be astonished to know that it’s all the fault of the Liberal Media! Read more on A Children’s Treasury of Random Wingnut Post-Election Butthurt (Part Douche)…
  Whinge Nuts

A Children’s Treasury Of Random Wingnut Post-Election Whining (Part 1 of ???)

Do you people have any idea how hard it is to sift through all the insane rightwing mutterings about the reelection of Barack Obama so that we can bring you the very best? Neither do we! It all starts looking the same after about five minutes! And so, this collection of freakouts will, of necessity, be something of a sampler plate from the great smorgasbord that is the Great 2012 Wingnut Butthurtosphere. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Random Wingnut Post-Election Whining (Part 1 of ???)…
  Game Over Man! GAME OVER!!

NRO Has Smart Plan To Save America: Raze The Universities & Re-Educate All People In Glasses

Some people simply do not handle losing very well. Unable to accept that the electoral system in their beloved Constitution could possibly allow those other people to win, they suggest that maybe we need a revolution, or that America died and God’s wrath is at hand, or that maybe rassenfracken pimps whores welfare brats makin’ us just dang ol’ soulless spiritual suicide, man, tellyawhut man, dang ol’ shiiiiiiit. (Also, thanks for the pageviews, Reddit!) The grownups in the spurned party, on the other hand, faced the day after the election by asking themselves the Hard Questions, like “what aspects of our agenda may have proven unpopular with the electorate?” or “how might we best adjust our message to meet a changing electoral landscape?” Or, if they’re the NRO’s David Gelertner, they might ask, “Where did all these degenerate communist morans come from? Must be the colleges! They’re full of radicals! Let’s root out the colleges!” Read more on NRO Has Smart Plan To Save America: Raze The Universities & Re-Educate All People In Glasses…