Tag Archives: election

  have fun with that

McConnell Defeats Grimes, On Track To Become Senate’s Top Beleaguered Cat Lady

Somewhere in Washington, DC, there is probably something with the name of every Senate Majority Leader carved on it, like a marble bust or some old Roman Empire shit like that. Tonight, Mitch McConnell just got a lot closer to putting his own name on that hypothetical thing, as the major networks have called him the winner in his race against sexy, flawed Alison Lundergan Grimes. Read more on McConnell Defeats Grimes, On Track To Become Senate’s Top Beleaguered Cat Lady…
  your rock and roll fantasy

Screw The Polls, Here’s How Every Democratic Senate Challenger Is Gonna Win

She's got all the goodies
We have told you a bunch of made up reasons why every single endangered incumbent Senate Democratic is actually going to win and Nate Silver can go suck a poll of likely voters. Now let’s examine the Dem candidates for open seats and those challenging vulnerable Republican incumbents. Can we use our powers of wishful thinking and nonsense to conjure an alternate reality in which they, too, will all prevail? We can! Read more on Screw The Polls, Here’s How Every Democratic Senate Challenger Is Gonna Win…
  It Could Happen

How Every Endangered Senate Democrat Will Win In November, Because Why Not

The first time I set eyes on Nate Silver, I just got that old-fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone him.
It looks like Republicans are probably going to control the Senate next year despite how people don’t like them, according to Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight blog and other respected nerds. In 2012, Silver famously predicted the winner of every Senate race, which was an impressive achievement for him but so boring for us. It was like finding your Christmas/”holiday” presents early. You’ll go through the motions of unwrapping your Regrets Her Abortion Barbie and Nature Despoiled II: The Warmening For Sega SexBox, but there’s no climax. The moment is flaccid; that is to say, unsuited to penetrating intercourse, never mind entertainment. Read more on How Every Endangered Senate Democrat Will Win In November, Because Why Not…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah’s Getting Pretty Tired Of This Internet ‘Job’

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
This week’s edition of The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker, is intelligible only if you speak election-year argle-bargle at a 12th-grade level or higher. Palin’s most recent piece of content is completely incoherent, and yes, we know, everything she says is incoherent, ha ha ha. But we’re serious here — she’s not even trying to connect these talking points, and worse, she’s not finishing her punches either. She starts with ISIS and then stumbles into talking about downward pressure on wages from illegal immigration, and then it just … sort of … peters out … Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah’s Getting Pretty Tired Of This Internet ‘Job’…
  No Weh

GOP Senate Hopeful Totally Not Sorry For Despicable Ad Exploiting James Foley’s Execution

Let’s say you are a Republican running for Senate in New Mexico against the current and quite popular Democratic Sen. Tom Udall, and your chances of winning are slightly better than a snowstorm in hell. What do you do? If you are Allen Weh, you run the most disgusting ad your campaign brain trust can imagine because YOLO, apparently. Read more on GOP Senate Hopeful Totally Not Sorry For Despicable Ad Exploiting James Foley’s Execution…
  new south is best south

Nice Time Update: SC Town Reinstates Lesbian Police Chief Fired By Jerkwad Mayor

We sure do like the occasional story where people Do the Right Thing and there’s actually a win for the little guy. And here’s one right now: You might remember our April story about Crystal Moore, the former police chief of the town of Latta, South Carolina. She was fired by the town’s doodyhead mayor, Earl Bullard, as part of a good-old-boy vendetta because — he said — she went beyond her authority in questioning the appropriateness of Bullard’s decision to hire a Parks and Rec director whose qualifications were iffy. Not because she’s openly gay, no, not at all. And never mind the recording of Bullard saying he’d rather have a dead drunk watch his children than a gay person (the police chief job, incidentally, does not include providing babysitting services). As often happens with small-town politics, things got nasty, fast, and Moore was quickly fired, without following normal procedures. And now we get to the nice-time part. After a special election to change the city’s form of government from a “weak council” to a “strong council,” the town council, which can now overrule the mayor, is planning to hire Chief Moore back. The moral arc of the universe is long, and points away from power-mad jerk babies. Read more on Nice Time Update: SC Town Reinstates Lesbian Police Chief Fired By Jerkwad Mayor…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Amazed & Stunned By Eric Cantor’s Amazing Stunning Loss (Video)

For once, Jon Stewart said Wednesday, a news story lives up to the hype on cable news: Eric Cantor’s surprise loss to an unknown tea party Brat really was pretty spectacular. After all, Cantor was the 4th most powerful Republican in Washington, right after “Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, and an AR-15- that fires baby eagles dressed like Jesus.” And so we get this postmortem of an election result that nobody saw coming, least of all the House Majority Leader and “future millionaire lobbyist” himself. Read more on Jon Stewart Amazed & Stunned By Eric Cantor’s Amazing Stunning Loss (Video)…
  why didn't you go before we left?

If You Want To Vote In Miami-Dade County, You’re Going To Need Excellent Bladder Control

So let’s say you are a well-populated county (just go with it, please) and people express concern that the bathrooms available at your polling places — where people sometimes wait for HOURS to vote — are not sufficiently accessible to those with disabilities. Do you (a) retrofit the existing bathrooms to ensure accessibility? (b) build new accessible bathrooms? (c) close ALL the bathrooms at polling places so you don’t have to address the accessibility issue? If you are Miami-Dade County, you pick (c) because what the hell is wrong with you? Read more on If You Want To Vote In Miami-Dade County, You’re Going To Need Excellent Bladder Control…
  wward: what would ann richards do?

Ted Nugent Will Poop On Wendy Davis Like She Is His Underwear In The Vietnam Draft

We don’t know much about Texas politics, and we don’t want to. But it strikes us as maybe a bit desperate of Republican gubernatorial candidate Greg Abbott to be campaigning with Ted Nugent, the terminally conservative guitar man of “Obama is a sub-human mongrel” fame, and Hillary Clinton “should ride my machine gun” fame, and “I will either be dead or in jail” if Obama wins re-election fame, and “I will poop in my pants to avoid fighting in Vietnam” (paraphrased) fame, and other fames. He is quite famous, for being simply awful, and also playing guitar pretty good. This race hasn’t been polled in a while, but RCP had Abbott up by about 10% in November, and that was before Wendy Davis was a terrible liar because she was only a dirt poor single mother for a while before she wasn’t anymore, on account of getting married, like conservatives say poor ladies should do, then getting divorced, which conservatives do all the time, just like everyone else. We can’t find trouble for Abbott in the polls, except for this one: The Wonkette Poll Of Is There Any Reason To Campaign With Ted Nugent In A Statewide Race Unless You Are In Serious Trouble? A full 100% of respondents said “Hell no, you crazy?!” (Sample size: 1.) Read more on Ted Nugent Will Poop On Wendy Davis Like She Is His Underwear In The Vietnam Draft…
  also circuses

Joe Arpaio Gives Flag-Murdering Prisoners Only Bread & Water, Protecting Future Of America, His Career

It’s been a little while since we last checked in with Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, America’s Most Publicized Sheriff. The Arizona hero undertook a very important program of mandatory love of country in the jail last November, playing the National Anthem every morning and “God Bless America” every night, and placing flags in every cell. And then 38 prisoners handed Joe Arpaio a beautiful re-election tool gift by obligingly responding to his forced patriotism campaign by defacing those very American flags, as of course he surely hoped they would. So now, the flag-disrespecting Bad Guys will get only bread and water for a week, to show that Sheriff Joe is Tough. “These inmates have destroyed the American flag that was placed in their cells,” Arpaio said. “Tearing them, writing on them, stepping on them, throwing them in the toilet, trash or wherever they feel. It’s a disgrace … this is government property that they are destroying, and we will take action against those who act this way.” Hell, if nobody had trashed their flags, Arpaio might have had to pay some of them to do so. Read more on Joe Arpaio Gives Flag-Murdering Prisoners Only Bread & Water, Protecting Future Of America, His Career…
  Cops Of The World

Hell Is Other Countries: Sarin In Syria, A New Man In Iran

Our ten-foot pole has arrived, which means we are finally ready to touch the dual shitstorms of Syria and Iran! The latest news on Syria is that our duly-elected warlord, Field Marshal B. Barry Bamz, has decided to steer a middle course of moar gunz, but not-too-big gunz, for the Free Syrian Army. This decision comes partly in response to recent confirmation that the Assad regime used chemical weapons, including sarin gas, against rebels. That means Assad crossed a “red line” without even buying a home in a white neighborhood, so we pretty much had to do guns on Syria, because “Superpowers don’t bluff” is a thing that Tony Blinken, some kinda war dude, reportedly said to Obama. No word on whether Winken and Nod concurred, nor whether they were actually just acting out a scene from The West Wing, because how pithy! Read more on Hell Is Other Countries: Sarin In Syria, A New Man In Iran…
  Is It Hot In Here Or Is It Just Satan?

GOP: Downward Facing Dog Invites Satan To ‘Invade Your Empty Vacuum’

After a stressful day of working (or hanging out in a workplace man cave), many Americans unwittingly risk handing their immortal souls over to Beelzebub through smoking weed premarital sex witchcraft yoga.  Satan is apparently incarnated in that cute yoga instructor, tempting you to deny the One True God for that sweet sweet release found in the Revolved Half Moon Pose. Or so said real-life not-a-joke GOP nominee for Lieutenant Governor Bishop Ewwwwwww Jackson back in 2008: When one hears the word meditation, it conjures an image of Maharishi Yoga talking about finding a mantra and striving for nirvana. . . . The purpose of such meditation is to empty oneself. . . . [Satan] is happy to invade the empty vacuum of your soul and possess it. That is why people serve Satan without ever knowing it or deciding to, but no one can be a child of God without making a decision to surrender to him. Beware of systems of spirituality which tell you to empty yourself. You will end up filled with something you probably do not want. Thank the gods we have the good Bishop here to warn us about all this with his not-at-all sexually innuendo-filled words. Could this be secret performance art? That “invade the empty vacuum” and  “filled with something you probably didn’t want” sounds like Rick Santorum on a Castro District bender. (Speaking of Santorum, don’t forget about this!) But apparently there is some crazy underground conservative nutjob Christianist movement that is for reals worried that yoga is of the debbil. Explore further for the good of your SOUL! Read more on GOP: Downward Facing Dog Invites Satan To ‘Invade Your Empty Vacuum’…
  It's R-Money's America; We Are Just Living In It

Newly Published Documents Detail Romney’s Specific Plan to Ruin White House, Country

What exactly would a Romney presidency have been like? Yes, of course it would have been horrible, we know that. But in what specific WAYS would have it been horrible? See, now we know the answer to this question, because Romney Readiness Project, the Republican candidate’s transition organization (known in certain circles as R2P) has published a 138-page report detailing how it prepared for a potential Romney victory. From Time: “The White House staff is similar to a holding company” read one PowerPoint slide, which would have been presented to President-elect Romney as part of an expansive briefing on the morning after Election Day. It went on to list three main divisions of the metaphorical firm: “Care & Feeding Offices,” like speechwriting, “Policy Offices,” like the National Security Council, and “Packaging & Selling Offices,” like the office of the press secretary. This was the view of the Presidency Romney would have brought with him to Washington, a glimpse of the White House that never was — and plan that never saw the light of day. Read more on Newly Published Documents Detail Romney’s Specific Plan to Ruin White House, Country…
  mitt's time

Ann And Mitt Romney Adjust To Sad Lonely Life Of Regular Old Centi-Millionaires

Mitt Romney is SO VERY SAD, you guys. All he wanted was to be President. That’s it. He had a dream, just a simple dream, and You People crushed it. So now he spends his days alone, shuffling around in his $1000 bathrobes, talking to secret service personnel that aren’t there. And Ann! This has been ESPECIALLY hard on Ann, who is Above all of this. Are we bad people because we are kind of happy to learn that Ann Romney spends her days “crying softly,” trying desperately to adjust to a life filled with mansions and Austrian warmbloods instead of political events and secret service motorcades? By all accounts, the past month has been most difficult on Romney’s wife, Ann, who friends said believed up until the end that ascending to the White House was their destiny. They said she has been crying in private and trying to get back to riding her horses. Read more on Ann And Mitt Romney Adjust To Sad Lonely Life Of Regular Old Centi-Millionaires…
  party of personal responsibility

Tea Party Learns Its Painful Electoral Lesson: That Mitt Romney Was Too Moderate

It is so much fun to watch the Party of Personal Responsibility point fingers and self-implode, isn’t it? It certainly is! Today’s finger-pointing blame-game session comes courtesy the Tea Party, which has engaged in about a week of sober reflection and concluded that the GOP lost because Mitt was too moderate. No, really: Tea party supporters are angry at the GOP for embracing as its presidential nominee a “moderate” like Romney. For undermining “true conservative” candidates. And for “choosing to ignore” the conservative agenda. Read more on Tea Party Learns Its Painful Electoral Lesson: That Mitt Romney Was Too Moderate…
  frothing at the mouth

Rick Santorum Will Gladly Compromise With Democrats To Ruin Social Security For You

Oh finally, Rick Santorum has written a column on the Hill, weighing in on the election and What It Means! And What It Means is that the GOP will FINALLY, after all this time, cooperate with President Obama on cutting Social Security and privatizing Medicare. So the fact that Americans went to the polls and elected a lesbian, a bisexual atheist, a female Asian Buddhist, and a socialist, in addition to decriminalizing weed, legalizing gay marriage, and voting for tax increases means nothing. Well that’s not true; it means that they want Marco Rubio to charlar con ustedes about why you should retire at age 70 and buy health insurance on the open market. Read more on Rick Santorum Will Gladly Compromise With Democrats To Ruin Social Security For You…
  look at the clouds

Bill O’Reilly: GOP Would Have Gotten Away With It Too If It Weren’t For These Hispanic Moochers Who Want Handouts

Would you like Bill O’Reilly’s advice on what the Republican party could have done differently to avoid losing the Presidency and their chances of a GOP Senate? Of course you would, and here it is! First off, says Bill O’Reilly, the campaign really just reined Mitt Romney in too much. He should have been allowed to be unscripted on a far more regular basis, and actually, your Wonkette agrees with this but for different reasons. Also Romney should have hammered Obama more on Benghazi, and made that issue center stage, which is what the American people care about. Forget jobs, let’s focus on Benghazi. Oh and of course, let’s talk about how Chris Christie betrayed the GOP and how liberals were “delirious with joy” over the storm. But what you’re REALLY wondering, Wonketteers, is what O’Reilly thinks the GOP should do about the “demographics problem.” (Well, the so-called liberal media calls it a demographics problem; your Wonkette characterizes it as a “racism problem.”) Read more on Bill O’Reilly: GOP Would Have Gotten Away With It Too If It Weren’t For These Hispanic Moochers Who Want Handouts…
  Fox Nooz

Oh How Cute, Fox is Suddenly Worried About “Media Bias” and its Impact on Democracy

Watch the latest video at video.foxnews.com Apparently there are “new questions” about the role of the media 2012 race! What kind of questions? Well, the kind Fox Nooz asks, like: why does the media insist on pointing out all the lies that come out of Mitt Romney’s mouth? And: why do they have to call constant attention to the fact that Gingrich is a womanizing scumbag? Yes, those kinds of questions. Read more on Oh How Cute, Fox is Suddenly Worried About “Media Bias” and its Impact on Democracy…
  tackle box

Do Not Mess With This D.C. Lady’s Signs, She Will Wreck You

Just so you know, D.C. Advisory Neighborhood Commission candidate Grace Daughtridge is NOT MESSING AROUND. Not only has she “reestablished” the 11th-largest tree in the District, but she was at a polling place today, and saw a dude futzing with one of her campaign signs, and, if the allegedlies have it right, she took that dude out. NBC Washington brings us the nitty-gritty: Grace Daughtridge allegedly tackled a man in his 40s outside the King Greenleaf Recreation Center in Southwest around 11:15 a.m., claiming he was tampering with some of her campaign signs. Wham-bam! It’s just like how she says she’s been “preventing thieves from stealing rims and tires”! She takes this stuff serious-like. But this sign stuff… maybe… too serious-like? Read more on Do Not Mess With This D.C. Lady’s Signs, She Will Wreck You…
  everyone in prison is innocent too

Totally Innocent, Not At All Terrible Republican Poll-Watchers Getting Booted In Philly

Chaos in Philadelphia! CHAOS! They are ejecting GOP poll-watchers left and right, for no reason! Twitchy tells us all about it, in a style quite fitting to the website’s name. “Are the dirty tricks starting already?” they wonder, before the breathless, context-free revelation of “GOP poll inspector physically assaulted,” which definitely happened the way it sounds, we need no evidence. What the heck, you guys (pardon the language)? They didn’t even do anything wrong! Oh … they probably did? Read more on Totally Innocent, Not At All Terrible Republican Poll-Watchers Getting Booted In Philly…