Barack Obama is very young, but he will be working with a Congress full of codgers who say, “Ennnh?” and urge him to speak louder into their ear trumpets. The average age of a senator is 63, while the average House member is 57. That, in layman’s terms, is “super old.” It should be noted that Robert Byrd continues to exert a heavy drag on the average age of Senators. (Byrd recently celebrated his 113th birthday.) [USA Today]

Everybody wants to know if John McCain is equipped to serve out a full term in office before expiring of the Old Age Vapours, so his team is assembling a squadron of doctors to vouch for his excellent physical health. This is a man who broke every bone in his body, including the little dealies in his inner ear, before having them each systematically removed and then re-inserted at a 45 degree angle in a sterile Vietnamese Torture Prison. He also had half his face cut off because of Face Cancer. MORE »

HE SHOULD KNOW: Old John Murtha says Old John McCain is too old to be president. [Associated Press]

Democratic operatives won’t have to bring up John McCain’s age in the upcoming Presidential campaign — because every American alive already knows that the presumptive Republican nominee is impossibly old, in failing health, and so brain-addled that he thinks proper birth control involves sea sponges and liniment. But will all these factors just remind Americans of Ronald Reagan, America’s last demented old President, and lead to a landslide McCain victory in the fall? MORE »

The Marines at Quantico are fighting a savage war against terrorist garage-door openers in Prince William County, the Post reports today. By blasting the area around the base with powerful signals, the Marines have successfully kept old people homebound — with the garage doors unable to open, it’s only a matter of time before the elderly all starve to death. MORE »