Since it’s the Depression and all, get ready for skyrocketing educational costs! State governments have no munnies for their public schools, and all the private schools wasted their endowments on AIG stock, so increased tuition costs get passed along to you, the consumer! And since there are no jobs waiting for you at the end of your fancy four-year degree anyway, why bother? Soon it will cost approx. 14 kajillion dollars to get your diploma from some middling liberal arts school, so that you can send literally two-thirds of your take-home pay to your student loan consolidator while you work behind the counter at Enterprise Rent-a-Car, a job you could have easily gotten with a high school diploma and half a brain. MORE »

So maybe (probably?) this is a fake, but then again that’s what we thought about the whole “hackers broke into Sarah Palin’s email” rumor. “She couldn’t possibly be that stupid,” we said, and then HA! And actually a 425 verbal sounds about right. [BuzzFeed]

Barack Obama’s new ad is about Education. How very exciting. Education. But given the material, it’s mildly funny: the screen suddenly turns gray and a pervy image of John McCain appears and he’s just staring at the creatures and his head is inflating like a devil balloon and he hates education money and he’s like I’M GONNA FUCKING EAT YR BRAIN NOODLES, exactly. [YouTube]

Barack Obama used to be the greatest enemy of America: a PROFESSOR, of Law. He is still the greatest enemy of America (he’s a Mooz), but he used to be worse. Because with an advanced, post-industrial economy where the only jobs available are for those with an education, America rightfully despises education and its self-styled provocateurs. Obama, in his 12 years as a professor of Constitutional Law — a subject held in such high disregard in this country that Obama himself ignores it — was basically awful, because he made his students take tests and write a lot of words. Let’s “examine” one of his wretched Final Examinations that the New York Times folks have unearthed, and grade it. MORE »

What is dumb Fox News doing now, hmm? It appears they aired a segment over the weekend called “Will High Gas Prices Cost Your Kids Their Education?” This, presumably, was to explain this secret classified report: If you have to spend more money on one thing, there is less money to spend on another thing. Fox News illegally leaked this homeland security information and, in doing so, spelled “education” as “eductaion.” We hope that this was not meant as satire — which the New Yorker magazine invented only last week and now look, IT’S EVERYWHERE — because a child’s education is no laughing matter. The thought of children being so illiterate that they cannot spell a common, phonetic word… well, just imagine living in a country of adult retards! [YouTube via Think Progress]

Dumb dumb dumb, dumb dumb dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb, dumb dumb dumb dumb. That is one “dumb” for each paragraph of Jonah Goldberg’s Los Angeles Times column today. For the record, we did not expect it to be “good,” in the traditional sense — we didn’t expect to read it at all! But 18 paragraphs of unmitigated “dumb” has a strangely magnetic appeal during this lazy news season. So let’s check out Jonah’s column, in which he argues that Obama’s plan to offer educational aid as a reward for national service is somehow both (a) welfare and (b) slavery. Europe, MTV, “the JFK cult,” and Rolling Stone magazine also play bit parts in Jonah’s remarkable paean to the God of Shit. MORE »

Hey Minnesota, would you like to learn more about “oral-anal sex”? Just answer the phone! Chances are you’ll eventually be on the receiving end of a bizarre robo-call from the Minnesota Family Council that warns people against buttsecks, rimming, and other horrors. Apparently the liberals want to give your children hands-on demonstrations of biblically forbidden acts, in school, using fetal pigs and Thai hookers. MORE »

An Arizona legislature panel has endorsed a proposal to bar “any teachings considered counter to democracy or Western civilization” from the state’s public schools. “Muslims,” you’re thinking. “They don’t want Muslim teachings.” That would be horrible but at least predictable. But the measure would also “prohibit students of the state’s universities and community colleges from forming groups based in whole or part on the race of their members, such as the Black Business Students Association at Arizona State University or Native Americans United at Northern Arizona University.” What a magnificent piece of legislation from John McCain’s state! MORE »

There is a Livejournal user named “Makkabee,” and he is a schoolteacher, for children. The other day he wrote on his personal blog about teaching his students to make fun of Ron Paul during Social Studies sessions, as every member of America’s elite educational corps should. Naturally, the Paultards have responded by posting his name, phone number and address on Ron Paul Forums, with threats and “those kinds” of comments they do. MORE »

* Baristas from Murky Coffee and Tryst took 1st and 4th in some sort of Mid-Atlantic/Northeast contest. [DCist]
* You know that valet bike parking we mentioned in To Do? Well, WABA needs volunteers. [WABA]
* “There are two visions for our public schools emerging now in the District — two camps: One is saying, ‘Mayor, Order Those Schools To Be Good!’ The other is saying, ‘Mayor, It Takes a Village, Not a King.’ Though you wouldn’t know it by reading the Washington Post, more and more people are joining the second camp and are speaking out against the mayor’s proposal to take the public schools from the public.” [Sam Smith's City Desk]
* “So don’t waste this incredible opportunity, D.C. If Georgetown wins tomorrow, and especially Monday, don’t hold back. Flood the streets. Overturn some cars. Light a few fires. Those really nice stores along M Street, with their large windows? Perfect for looting.” [The DC Universe]
* Second-date ideas, including Tallula which has a “prix fixe wine and dinner tasting menu. It’s five courses of perfect pairings and for only about $75 per person, including tip …. The wine manager comes to the table to introduce the wine before each course and you get a little sheet of paper to jot down notes about the wines. Oh, and they tailor it for beginners, intermediate, and advanced.” [The DC Concierge]

* Pass the Grey Poupon bitches! [Reuters] MORE »