Barack Obama’s chief economic aide Larry Summers famously thinks that women are dumb, very dumb, so dumb at life that he doesn’t need to look in any way attractive to procure them, for mating. Today Summers told the Washington Economics Club (NERD FACTORY) that everything will be better in a few months, once all remaining American Money has been restored to Wall Street financial firms. But he looked so frightening when he was telling them this! MORE »

• MORE TIME TO READ YOUR WONKETTE! Ooh, they’ve released the March Jobs Report, let’s see whats we gots here… GAHH! It’s terrible. We must be in a recession! 663,000 jobs were slashed last month, and the unemployment rate rose to 8.5% while the secret “real” unemployment rate rose to 15.6%. Weekly initial jobless claims rose from 657,000 to 669,000 in the largest increase since October 1982. [AP, CNN]

Hey Obama’s gonna be on the teevee in a few minutes to read Das Kapital from his TELLYPROMTARRS, all 40 of them. We’re commemorating this occasion with some classic racist Internet art from the campaign. What a schmuck, this guy! We’re watching CNN analyze the “goals” with this conference, and it’s already paralyzing. First thing we hear are the words “sell the American people.” Who cares about the American people? They voted already. Anyway… MORE »

Who does this guy think he is? He installs a bunch of dumb clowns at Treasury who are continually getting pantsed by incompetent bankers, and at the height of the shitstorm he gets on a plane to California — but not before recording another one of his “Join my movement by harassing your neighbors about Hope, and my Budget” videos. Sorry bro people will not campaign for your budget when they are too infuriated about the economy to even get off the motherfucking couch. [Organizing for America]

Just a few short years ago, Americans huddled in their underground bunkers worrying that Saddam Hussein was coming to bomb them, personally. Now Americans huddle in their underground bunkers worrying that they’re going to have to tap into their emergency supplies of Hobo Beans — but at least they’re not afraid of the terrorists anymore! MORE »

Thursday, early evening. She turns the key to her Dungeon of Medicines, an isolated pod floating atop the highest vistas of Park Avenue. It is constructed of the finest Metals and can only be reached by rickshaw. Even after all these years, the scent of myrrh lingers. A glass of scotch is poured and she takes to the shelves. Tonight will be a night of barbiturates. Full bottles of Amytal, Nembutal, Seconal, et. al, are downed within seconds. She takes to her camel fur chair — a special model, in that it is an actual camel — and waits whilst supping on a bowl of cough syrup. The hour becomes 10, then 11, then 12. Midnight. A new day. But still, nothing. She is able to walk; this should not be physically possible. Time to bring out the typing machinery. She is struck, sober, hands on the keys, sitting on a camel, poised, wrought, a wordsmith to the death, honest. Peggy Noonan has written her headline: “There’s No Pill for This Kind of Depression.” MORE »

Eek, would you want to be locked in a room getting yelled at by Henry Waxman for hours and hours? Because that is how Tim Geithner got to spend his Monday night, hooray! He has the worst job in America, worse even than those people who clean up murder scenes or give Rush Limbaugh enemas. MORE »

Oh, gross! It’s a “viral marketing scheme” designed to shanghai you into taking a blood oath in support of Barack Obama’s socialist revolution. Just watch this video by the new fake David Plouffe, sign some dumb little online petition, and voila, you will be spared a personal “visit” by Obama’s praetorian guard. [Organizing for America Pledge Project, Ben Smith]

Hey so has Barack Obama bailed out everyone, personally, yet? No? Your editor comes late to this outing because she is (SHHHHH) blogging from her Ladies’ Book Club for Ladies, or as Ken Layne calls it, “The Ladies’ Regional Cooking Book Club.” So if the commentary here is less than enlightened, it’s because your editor is surrounded by drunk ladies who are trying to play the Wonkette drinking game while also talking about literature. MORE »

White House press secretary Robert Gibbs has had the tendency, early on, to embarrass himself during press conferences by turning snippy as a defense. But this comment about Kathryn Jean Lopez’s pretend boyfriend and preferred vice presidential candidate, Rick Santelli — a rich ex-financial rich guy who now (rather brilliantly, we admit) manages to win over unemployed, poor white people with rants on the Wall Street tips ‘n’ cheats teevee channel about how he and his money friends who ruined the economy WILL NOT ALLOW $75 billion in government money to go towards resuscitating millions of salvageable mortgages that are currently impossible to price and spreading death everywhere — is somewhat perfect. Wry, mocking, and even somewhat informative! [Huffington Post]

Judd Gregg, a Republican senator from New Hampshire who was going to be Barack Obama’s secretary of commerce before he remembered that had already mortgaged his balls to Mitch McConnell, has fallen prey to another one of the president’s dastardly bipartisan schemes. He has accepted an invitation to attend some sort of “fiscal responsibility summit” next week. Oh noes! MORE »