Tag Archives: economy

  and by slightly we mean slightly

A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness

Gentlemen, did you wake up this morning with a little extra pep in your Mr. Peepers? We sure did, because WE FINALLY GOT OUR PRESIDENT BACK! It’s like that awesome hopey and changey guy from 2008 snuck back out and sucker-punched the GOP right in the nards with like a million awesome words at the State of the Union! While we were busy snarkily drunkblogging the speech and the 43 GOP responses, we may have neglected to discuss with you, Glorious Reader, why President Obama’s speech was such a tour-de-force, so grab your favorite politilube, and be prepared to fap away to some motherfucking awesomeness.  Read more on A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness…
  impeach

Unemployment Rate Falls To 7 Percent, Proving We Must Repeal Obamacare

Folks, it’s time to face facts. Obama’s plan to destroy the economy has failed. We had high hopes after the first 14 months of Obama’s first term, as we reveled in the negative jobs numbers that kept rolling in month after month like an ever-rising tide of sorrow. “Good,” we said to Satan, who is our best friend with whom we love to drink blood and other taboo fluids, “Now all we have to do is sit back and wait for Obamacare to finish the job! And if that fails, why, maybe we can hand out some more poisoned money to GM and the big banks! Ha! Ha!” Well, so much for that. The Bureau of Labor Statistics just released the jobs report for November, and it’s bleak. 203,000 new jobs. The lowest unemployment rate (7%)  since December 2008. That makes 45 straight months of job growth, and this time they’re not even all at McWal-Burger Hospice Warehouse: The only sectors that declined were information (-1,000) and financial (-3,000). Not only are we adding jobs, but the sector most capable of screwing everything up again shrank the most!  Read more on Unemployment Rate Falls To 7 Percent, Proving We Must Repeal Obamacare…
  Banks Win! Banks Win!

Wall Street Is Your New Landlord, Please Pay Your Rent Or The Economy Will Crash Again, Thanks!

How’s that vein in your forehead? Poppin’ fresh? No? You’re happy?! Well that won’t do at all! Here, read this story about how Wall Street firms are furiously buying up cheap homes, renting them out, refusing to treat infestations of vermin, threatening legal action against renters for things that aren’t their fault, and (of course) bundling monthly rent payments to sell as can’t-miss securities. It’s fine, though, they’re just leveraging the disastrous glut of foreclosures and the ensuing drop in home prices — you know, the key elements of the global recession that they caused in the first place — to make a quick buck, just like you would do if you were an utterly remorseless sociopathic malignancy with near-total immunity from the legal, moral, and economic consequences of your actions, so quit being such a sore loser, loser. Read more on Wall Street Is Your New Landlord, Please Pay Your Rent Or The Economy Will Crash Again, Thanks!…
  how stuff works

Capitalist Running Dogs Rand Paul And Alan Greenspan Will Teach You Dumb Liberals About Capitalism

Gosh, we are such dumb liberals! We thought we knew all about capitalism, an economic system most of us have lived with our entire lives. We thought we knew all about private ownership, and free markets, and the commodification of labor, and investment, and consumption, and all that jazz! And we thought we knew about the externalities like pollution and poverty and political corruption that come from capitalism, and how they are bad. So dumb! So liberal! Ugh, we disgust ourselves. Thank heavens there are men like Rand Paul and Alan Greenspan to set us straight. Open wide, dumb liberals, because here is Rand Paul on Hannity to regurgitate Economy Facts about Obamacare into your hungry gullets: Read more on Capitalist Running Dogs Rand Paul And Alan Greenspan Will Teach You Dumb Liberals About Capitalism…
  the fundamentals of the economy are strong

GOP Shutdown Saves Economy From Too Much Prosperity

Well, we are in week 2 of what seems to be a shutdown about… something … who really knows at this point? Now that Obamacare is glitchily bumbling along, what, exactly, is the GOP demanding for releasing the hostage? Who cares, at least the government is saving tons of money and the economy is still humming along, right Bloomberg? The shutdown cost $1.6 billion last week in lost economic output, according to IHS Inc., a Lexington, Massachusetts-based global market-research firm. As the showdown enters its eighth day, the office closures are now draining an average of $160 million each workday… HOLY GOAT TESTICLES, BATMAN. That’s a lot of damage to the U.S.American economy. But since it was the GOP’s choice to shut down the gubmint, surely the only ones losing money are fat-cat limousine libruls, right? Let’s see.  Read more on GOP Shutdown Saves Economy From Too Much Prosperity…
  seems reasonable

NH Senate Candidate Jim Rubens: Mass Shooters, Serial Killers Just Standing Their Ground Against The Matriarchy

On this fine morning we are pleased to present a genuine rarity: A Republican politician who seems sincerely worried about mass shootings! Former New Hampshire State Sen. Jim Rubens, who is officially eyeing Jeanne Shaheen’s US Senate seat, made the following Valuable Contribution to the Discourse in a 2009 blog post: Women already outnumber men in management, professional, and related occupations. Men are charged with 82 percent of violent crimes and 89 percent of murders, women with 53 percent of embezzlements and 45 percent of frauds. Over the period 1974 to 2000, 71 percent of school shooters — all of them were males — had been previously bullied, persecuted, or physically injured. Over the last century, between 75 and 85 percent of the world’s serial killers were American and 90 percent were men. Serial killing victimization rates exploded by about 35 times between the 1950s and 1980s. Bottom line: the collaborative, flexible, amorphously-hierarchical American economy is shutting out ordinary men who were once the nation’s breadwinners in living-wage labor and manufacturing jobs. Because status success is more vital to the male psychology, males are falling over the edge in increasing numbers. Interesting thesis, Jim Rubens! If we may offer a few points in rebuttal: Wow. Really? … Wow. Read more on NH Senate Candidate Jim Rubens: Mass Shooters, Serial Killers Just Standing Their Ground Against The Matriarchy…
  larry summers for dog catcher

Summers Vs. Warren Banking Committee Cage Match Canceled As Larry Summers Craps Out

Unloved money brute Lawrence “Larry” Summers will not be your new Ben Bernanke after withdrawing his name from consideration for Federal Reserve Chairman on Sunday. Mainly this is because humans are hard-wired to distrust men named Larry, but there were other factors, like: Four of the twelve Democrats on the Senate Banking Committee have already said they won’t vote for him, so he’d needed GOP support to get out of committee, which is always fun; He helped create the regulatory environment that led to the Great Recession with his full-throated (no pun intended) advocacy of repealing Glass-Steagall and continuing the largely unregulated, over-the-counter exchange of derivatives; Along those same lines, he is very cozy with much-loathed banks like Citigroup; He is widely held to be an asshole; He once pretty much out of nowhere said women are less biologically fit to do science, which is not even true, and seriously, why even say that?  Read more on Summers Vs. Warren Banking Committee Cage Match Canceled As Larry Summers Craps Out…
  tales from the fainting couch

Conservative Newspaper Editor Fired For Rude Headline About Putting Something In President’s Butt

If someone told you to go “shove it,” you’d think that was pretty cute, right? Maybe you’d come back with a quick “up your nose with a rubber hose” and, tension defused, you’d ask if they got to second base with Mary Sue and how about going to the malt shop and do they really like Ike? This is how we know you are not the Chattanooga Times Free Press, possibly the longest-named newspaper in Tennessee. The Chattanooga Times Free Press thinks that kind of talk is disgusting, and if you use such language in their pages, you’ll be out on your posterior! Sadly not sadly, Drew Johnson, the generically named former editor of that paper’s editorial page, found this out the hard way when he chose the headline “Take your jobs plan and shove it, Mr. President” for a confused and factually challenged wordpoop marking the occasion of Obama’s visit to Chattanooga. But leave it to the lame stream media to miss the REAL STORY here. Read more on Conservative Newspaper Editor Fired For Rude Headline About Putting Something In President’s Butt…
  it's the economy and cetera

Barry Obama Will Now Grow The Economy With This One Weird Trick

In just a few minutes, or maybe it already happened, Barack Hussein Obama will make the most importantest economic speech since his last importantest economic speech. It is to take place at Knox College in Galesburg, IL, where he made an economic speech (this guy with the economic speeches!) in the year 3 B.O. (2005). Here are the only things you need to know about this 2013 Talking Event: 1. First, in keeping with Galesburg customs, Barry will perform a rendition of Ike and Tina Turner’s “Nutbush City Limits,” replacing the word “Nutbush” with “Galesburg,” because you always open with your local material. Read more on Barry Obama Will Now Grow The Economy With This One Weird Trick…
  austerity is for little people

Reinhart-Rogoff, Austerity Superduo, Even More Full Of B.S. Than Previously Thought

 Just in case you are unfamiliar with Reinhart-Rogoff: they are a pair of economists who published a very famous paper purporting to show that high public debt to GDP ratio leads to negative economic growth. This paper was waved around by people like Paul Ryan, who used it to argue that cutting Social Security and Medicaid and unemployment were important tools for staving off recession because of the magical thing that happens to economies when the GDP to debt ratio hits 90%. Will you be shocked to learn that Reinhart-Rogoff’s famous paper was wrong? As a graduate student from UMass demonstrated, Reinhart and Rogoff not only based their conclusions off cherry-picked data, they made a serious error in the Excel spreadsheet they were working with. (Math is really hard, you guys.) But wait! There’s more! Not only were Reinhart-Rogoff working with a cherry-picked data set and a thoroughly screwed up spreadsheet, they fell victim to one of the most classic blunders and got the causal relationship backwards: slow growth causes higher debt, not the other way around. D’OH, and cetera. Read more on Reinhart-Rogoff, Austerity Superduo, Even More Full Of B.S. Than Previously Thought…
  Stupid Like A Fox

Sorbonne-Trained Economist Very Upset That Tesla Hasn’t Crashed Yet

Veronique de Rugy is a Doctrix of The Economy, says the Sorbonne, which is weird because the impression yr Wonkette gets from reading her column is that she learned everything she knows about economics from a cardboard cutout of Ron Paul’s left nut. Witness her latest on the ever-comical National Review Online’s The Corner, in which she argues that Tesla is great and all, but the really important thing is that Tesla is terrible. Or rather, to be fair, the idea of Tesla is terrible. It’s the old joke: It works in practice, but does it work in theory? Actually, to be really fair (because this stuff is important) she argues that “the government shouldn’t be in the business of lending money to private companies” because “most of the money goes to companies that could have gotten capital on their own,” and some stuff about “distortions” which are awesome when a guitar is doing them, but bad for the economy. Yr Wonkette learned everything we know about economics from the internet, but we feel pretty confident that we can eviscerate these are-you-even-trying crusts of hoary free-market dogma quite convincingly! Read more on Sorbonne-Trained Economist Very Upset That Tesla Hasn’t Crashed Yet…
  take a chicken to the doctor

Time Magazine Helpfully Explains Why A Quick Visit To The ER Costs As Much As A Semester At Harvard

Your Wonkette had to go to the hospital about a year ago for a two hour long procedure. We had a good friend come pick us up, and as we left, she indicated a desire to take the brown paper bag of basic first aid supplies that the doctor had left for us to bring home for after care. DO NOT TAKE THE BROWN PAPER BAG, we yelled. DO NOT TAKE IT! But our friend was worried, so she took the brown paper bag anyway, and we were charged $20 for a bunch of gauze and a couple Tylenol. Whatever, this was small potatoes, since the entire bill was over $2500 for this two hour procedure, and it was tough to get particularly excited over $20, but still, it was the principle of the thing! And in the grand scheme of it all, we got off easy! $2500 for a two hour procedure? And we got to pay for it a month or two later, after it was all over? Pfft, we had hit the jackpot! Here, let Time magazine tell you about all the ways you could suffer at the hands of our corrupt health care system: Read more on Time Magazine Helpfully Explains Why A Quick Visit To The ER Costs As Much As A Semester At Harvard…
  employment is an inside job

Insanely Low New Unemployment Numbers Mean Barack Obama Did 9/11

Good news! The new Bureau of Labor Statistics unemployment report came out, and more Americans are working, the unemployment rate dropped to 7.8%, and jobs numbers were revised upwards in July and August. Of course, Barry Obama had a bad debate on Wednesday, so how could the economy mysteriously be recovering two days after Obama lost the entire election, friends? It’s a CONSPIRACY. At least, that’s what a bunch of Republicans are saying. Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you … BLS Troofers, because of course they are. Unbelievable jobs numbers..these Chicago guys will do anything..can’t debate so change numbers — Jack Welch (@jack_welch) October 5, 2012 Yes. They went in and tinkered a decades-old system to get a possible bump out of a positive jobs report. This is eminently logical. Also, they changed the buttons on Jack Welch’s clicker, because he simply cannot get the channel changed from this gonzo teen porn to the Hallmark Channel. Hahahaha, we kid, Jack Welch is not a pervert, just an insane demagogue. Read more on Insanely Low New Unemployment Numbers Mean Barack Obama Did 9/11…
  quiet rooms

Ben Bernanke’s Hip-Hop Barbecue Will Probably Not Create Jobs

How exciting, soon we will be in the midst of a third round of quantitative easing! Does this mean we should break out the Korbel and celebrate? No, it probably does not, because like most of our economic policies, it will mostly benefit Incorporated Americans and people with lots of investments and will punish Poors (i.e. most of America) and possibly cause some social unrest. Here let us Explainer you! Read more on Ben Bernanke’s Hip-Hop Barbecue Will Probably Not Create Jobs…
  banksters

Wells Fargo Even Sorrier After Second Time It Foreclosed on Wrong House

Remember that nice couple we told you about last week — the Tjosaas family, whose home in Twenty-Nine Palms was “accidentally” foreclosed upon by Wells Fargo even though the couple didn’t even have a mortgage? Turns out: this was the SECOND TIME that Wells Fargo had “accidentally” foreclosed on that house by mistake, but it’s cool because Wells Fargo remains “deeply sorry” about both “unfortunate situations.” The good news is that the Tjosaas family can now “accidentally” rob a Wells Fargo bank of their choice (twice) and issue a statement that they are “deeply sorry about this unfortunate situation” and then all will be forgiven. Ha! Ha! Ha! This, of course, is not true — Incorporated Americans are somehow not people when they are committing crimes, but non-Incorporated Americans are always people. Read more on Wells Fargo Even Sorrier After Second Time It Foreclosed on Wrong House…
  supply and demand

New York Times Infotainer: Taking Away Unemployment Insurance Will Make You Look All the More Harder For Those Jobs That Don’t Exist

Oh look, the Paper of Record has employed another typist to explain about bootstraps and whatnot, and give us the cold hard truth about why we are all losers who do not have jobs. Is it because of structural unemployment, or maybe something to do with robots? Ha! Ha! Ha! Of course not, says New York Time Infotainer Casey B. Mulligan, it is because of all of you Poors who collect unemployment, which somehow prevents jobs from materializing out of thin air and offering themselves to you at low wages that would increase or maintain employer profits. DUH. See, this is why we do not type at you from the New York Times’ “Economix” section: it requires the ability to defend trickle-down economics over and over again in spite of overwhelming evidence that it does not work. But we digress! Now we will discuss this horrible supply-sider who writes about trickle-down fairy dust for that liberal rag, the New York Times. Read more on New York Times Infotainer: Taking Away Unemployment Insurance Will Make You Look All the More Harder For Those Jobs That Don’t Exist…