Tag Archives: economy

  You get a bonus for being a good little economy-wrecker!

Sleazy Lehman Bros. Only Paid $44 Million In Bonuses Last Year, Thanks Obama

no, I really do not deserve this
Pop quiz: What do you do if you’re the last vestige of Lehman Brothers, the banking and investment company whose demise was the biggest bankruptcy filing in U.S. history and now you’re in the post-bankruptcy process of slowly unraveling the clusterfuck that you caused in the world economy? Do you a) feel really sorry and promise never to be in charge of more than $15 of anyone else’s money for the entire rest of your life, or b) give your employees $44 million in bonuses, because even though they work for the remains of the company that started a global financial meltdown, they’re still swell! Yeah, this quiz was too easy, ugh, the answer is b. And we ask ourselves, once again, how is it that Occupy didn’t end up with heads on spikes? Read more on Sleazy Lehman Bros. Only Paid $44 Million In Bonuses Last Year, Thanks Obama…
  a feature not a bug

If Kansas Jumped Off A Bridge, Would Other States Do It Too? Apparently Yes!

That bridge sucked anyway.
You may be familiar with the state of Kansas, where Governor Sam Brownback and the ruling GOP have conducted what Brownback has called a “great experiment” in conservative economics. They’ve radically slashed income taxes, especially for top earners, on the theory that liberating this money will supercharge the economy; businesses will flock in, new jobs will be created, and an orgy of private sector commerce will fill the budget hole caused by the tax cuts. Read more on If Kansas Jumped Off A Bridge, Would Other States Do It Too? Apparently Yes!…
  Why do Democrats hate poors?

Sad Ted Cruz Wonders Why Obama Hates Poor People So Much

just lyin' with my mouth
Republicans are On Message, you guys, with their 2016 talking points. They are being very disciplined lately when they say lies with their mouths about the economy, maybe Politics USA is right that the nice people at the secret Koch meeting helped them figure out what to say, all together? Read more on Sad Ted Cruz Wonders Why Obama Hates Poor People So Much…
  romney would have done it better

Obama Is Bad Commie, Shrinks Deficit Again

Glad that's all behind us now
Do you remember the Great Deficit Panic of 2011? How Obamacare and The Stimulus and the GM Bailout were going to bankrupt the country? How our children were going to be left roaming the streets, forced to dumpster-dive for scraps because of oppressive socialist taxes? How we had The Sequester? How the Very Serious People decided Obama needed to Show Leadership, and how the president was willing to gut Social Security to appease the Ron Fucking Fourniers of the Beltway? How this mercifully fell apart because the Republicans weren’t willing to tax the Rich even if Obama ratfucked the Olds? How we had a Deficit Commission that was supposed to reach a Grand Bargain but could not because the Republicans were like we will only give you a Grand Bargain if you do everything we say, otherwise fuck this shit? And how none of this could possibly be George W. Bush’s fault, even though he dropped a $1.4 million deficit turd on Obummer’s desk on his way out of the Oval? Read more on Obama Is Bad Commie, Shrinks Deficit Again…
  mistakes were made

Jamie Dimon Crying Platinum Tears That Banks Have To Pay Money For Breaking Laws

Jamie Dimon, protector and defender of our financial system
Between 2013 and 2014, JPMorgan Chase, a shadowy banking cabal, paid some $14 billion with a b in legal costs stemming from various criminal enterprises the company willfully engaged in to make money. So of course the bank’s CEO, Jamie Dimon, took his lumps and was very humble and chastened, right? Wrong! Read more on Jamie Dimon Crying Platinum Tears That Banks Have To Pay Money For Breaking Laws…
  Post Hoc A Loogie

Mitch McConnell Notices Economy Pretty Good, Figures He Built That

yup, burn it
It looks like Republicans have finally figured out how they’re going to deal with the unfortunate fact that the economy has been steadily improving under Barack Obama: Just say it was all due to the wisdom of Republicans. Michele Bachmann has already taken credit for low gasoline prices, and now Mitch McConnell is saying that the most recent good economic news is obviously in reaction to Republicans winning the Senate in November. In a speech to his brand-new majority Wednesday, McConnell said it was all pretty obvious: Read more on Mitch McConnell Notices Economy Pretty Good, Figures He Built That…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: The Economy’s Pretty Good, So Let’s Shut Down The Government

Get it? 'Going up'? Look, they can't all be inspired. -- The Maddow graphics team.
Hey, look! Turns out the economy’s doing pretty well, what with yet another good jobs report and some pretty nice economic growth charts for Democratic presidents — even that Obama fellow, except of course for that unpleasantness in 2009 that started under some other guy: 2014 has seen more jobs created than in any year since 1999, which seems like a pretty compelling reason to fire all the Democrats in Congress last month. But despite their electoral gain, Republicans seem pretty confused about what to do next — so as they are traditionally required to, they are going to war with each other. Read more on Morning Maddow: The Economy’s Pretty Good, So Let’s Shut Down The Government…
  You Can't Make An Omelette Without Fucking That Chicken

GOP’s Awesome Plan To Make America All Better, Starting With Killing A Million Jobs

Thank god somebody has some fresh thinking!
John Boehner and Mitch McConnell have affixed their names to a VERY IMPORTANT op-ed in the Wall Street Journal today,* explaining all the terrific fresh new ideas that they’ll be able to accomplish with their brand-new Republican control of Congress. It’s so fresh and exciting! Just lookie: Read more on GOP’s Awesome Plan To Make America All Better, Starting With Killing A Million Jobs…
  Barack Who?

Bill Maher Right About A Thing

Sure he's a jerk. And he's dead on this time.
Bill Maher can really be a self-important, sanctimonious asshole at times. Thankfully, this is not one of them. On Real Time this week, Maher laid into all the Democrats who have been running as if Barack Obama were the ineffectual dictator Republicans have said he is. Read more on Bill Maher Right About A Thing…
  Listicles Are Still A Thing Right?

Nine Easy Halloween Costume Ideas That Won’t Get You Laid And May Kill You

We want your brains
This is you: “I want to dress up for Halloween but I’m lazy and have bad ideas. Can you help?” Probably not, but let’s take a crack at it anyway. Here are nine “easy” costume ideas for you to briefly consider before you just give up and go as whatever you were last year again (a loser with a bad costume). DISCLAIMER: Please do not actually attempt any of the following costumes, especially the ones involving bodily harm. Read more on Nine Easy Halloween Costume Ideas That Won’t Get You Laid And May Kill You…
  vinegarcoating the good news

Fox News Pretty Sure This Strong Jobs Report Proves Barack Obama Is Terrible

So, hey, some pretty good employment news today: The June jobs report from the Bureau of Labor Statistics shows that the economy added 288,000 jobs in June, and the unemployment rate dropped from 6.3% in May to 6.1% last month. That’s the lowest unemployment rate since September 2008. So, hooray for Our Economy, unless of course you’re Fox News, in which case you really need to make it look terrible. Read more on Fox News Pretty Sure This Strong Jobs Report Proves Barack Obama Is Terrible…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Tries To Distract Us From All These Obama Distractions Fox News Is Yelling About

Forget comedy; Jon Stewart is quite simply one of our best media critics, a Marshal McLuhan for stoned millennials. On Tuesday’s Daily Show, he treated us to his analysis of the pre-Super Bowl interview in which “the most powerful man in the Free World sat down with Obama” for a visit to the “Fox scandal grab bag.” Read more on Jon Stewart Tries To Distract Us From All These Obama Distractions Fox News Is Yelling About…
  and by slightly we mean slightly

A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness

Gentlemen, did you wake up this morning with a little extra pep in your Mr. Peepers? We sure did, because WE FINALLY GOT OUR PRESIDENT BACK! It’s like that awesome hopey and changey guy from 2008 snuck back out and sucker-punched the GOP right in the nards with like a million awesome words at the State of the Union! While we were busy snarkily drunkblogging the speech and the 43 GOP responses, we may have neglected to discuss with you, Glorious Reader, why President Obama’s speech was such a tour-de-force, so grab your favorite politilube, and be prepared to fap away to some motherfucking awesomeness.  Read more on A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness…
  impeach

Unemployment Rate Falls To 7 Percent, Proving We Must Repeal Obamacare

Folks, it’s time to face facts. Obama’s plan to destroy the economy has failed. We had high hopes after the first 14 months of Obama’s first term, as we reveled in the negative jobs numbers that kept rolling in month after month like an ever-rising tide of sorrow. “Good,” we said to Satan, who is our best friend with whom we love to drink blood and other taboo fluids, “Now all we have to do is sit back and wait for Obamacare to finish the job! And if that fails, why, maybe we can hand out some more poisoned money to GM and the big banks! Ha! Ha!” Well, so much for that. The Bureau of Labor Statistics just released the jobs report for November, and it’s bleak. 203,000 new jobs. The lowest unemployment rate (7%)  since December 2008. That makes 45 straight months of job growth, and this time they’re not even all at McWal-Burger Hospice Warehouse: The only sectors that declined were information (-1,000) and financial (-3,000). Not only are we adding jobs, but the sector most capable of screwing everything up again shrank the most!  Read more on Unemployment Rate Falls To 7 Percent, Proving We Must Repeal Obamacare…
  Banks Win! Banks Win!

Wall Street Is Your New Landlord, Please Pay Your Rent Or The Economy Will Crash Again, Thanks!

How’s that vein in your forehead? Poppin’ fresh? No? You’re happy?! Well that won’t do at all! Here, read this story about how Wall Street firms are furiously buying up cheap homes, renting them out, refusing to treat infestations of vermin, threatening legal action against renters for things that aren’t their fault, and (of course) bundling monthly rent payments to sell as can’t-miss securities. It’s fine, though, they’re just leveraging the disastrous glut of foreclosures and the ensuing drop in home prices — you know, the key elements of the global recession that they caused in the first place — to make a quick buck, just like you would do if you were an utterly remorseless sociopathic malignancy with near-total immunity from the legal, moral, and economic consequences of your actions, so quit being such a sore loser, loser. Read more on Wall Street Is Your New Landlord, Please Pay Your Rent Or The Economy Will Crash Again, Thanks!…
  how stuff works

Capitalist Running Dogs Rand Paul And Alan Greenspan Will Teach You Dumb Liberals About Capitalism

Gosh, we are such dumb liberals! We thought we knew all about capitalism, an economic system most of us have lived with our entire lives. We thought we knew all about private ownership, and free markets, and the commodification of labor, and investment, and consumption, and all that jazz! And we thought we knew about the externalities like pollution and poverty and political corruption that come from capitalism, and how they are bad. So dumb! So liberal! Ugh, we disgust ourselves. Thank heavens there are men like Rand Paul and Alan Greenspan to set us straight. Open wide, dumb liberals, because here is Rand Paul on Hannity to regurgitate Economy Facts about Obamacare into your hungry gullets: Read more on Capitalist Running Dogs Rand Paul And Alan Greenspan Will Teach You Dumb Liberals About Capitalism…
  the fundamentals of the economy are strong

GOP Shutdown Saves Economy From Too Much Prosperity

Well, we are in week 2 of what seems to be a shutdown about… something … who really knows at this point? Now that Obamacare is glitchily bumbling along, what, exactly, is the GOP demanding for releasing the hostage? Who cares, at least the government is saving tons of money and the economy is still humming along, right Bloomberg? The shutdown cost $1.6 billion last week in lost economic output, according to IHS Inc., a Lexington, Massachusetts-based global market-research firm. As the showdown enters its eighth day, the office closures are now draining an average of $160 million each workday… HOLY GOAT TESTICLES, BATMAN. That’s a lot of damage to the U.S.American economy. But since it was the GOP’s choice to shut down the gubmint, surely the only ones losing money are fat-cat limousine libruls, right? Let’s see.  Read more on GOP Shutdown Saves Economy From Too Much Prosperity…
  seems reasonable

NH Senate Candidate Jim Rubens: Mass Shooters, Serial Killers Just Standing Their Ground Against The Matriarchy

On this fine morning we are pleased to present a genuine rarity: A Republican politician who seems sincerely worried about mass shootings! Former New Hampshire State Sen. Jim Rubens, who is officially eyeing Jeanne Shaheen’s US Senate seat, made the following Valuable Contribution to the Discourse in a 2009 blog post: Women already outnumber men in management, professional, and related occupations. Men are charged with 82 percent of violent crimes and 89 percent of murders, women with 53 percent of embezzlements and 45 percent of frauds. Over the period 1974 to 2000, 71 percent of school shooters — all of them were males — had been previously bullied, persecuted, or physically injured. Over the last century, between 75 and 85 percent of the world’s serial killers were American and 90 percent were men. Serial killing victimization rates exploded by about 35 times between the 1950s and 1980s. Bottom line: the collaborative, flexible, amorphously-hierarchical American economy is shutting out ordinary men who were once the nation’s breadwinners in living-wage labor and manufacturing jobs. Because status success is more vital to the male psychology, males are falling over the edge in increasing numbers. Interesting thesis, Jim Rubens! If we may offer a few points in rebuttal: Wow. Really? … Wow. Read more on NH Senate Candidate Jim Rubens: Mass Shooters, Serial Killers Just Standing Their Ground Against The Matriarchy…
  larry summers for dog catcher

Summers Vs. Warren Banking Committee Cage Match Canceled As Larry Summers Craps Out

Unloved money brute Lawrence “Larry” Summers will not be your new Ben Bernanke after withdrawing his name from consideration for Federal Reserve Chairman on Sunday. Mainly this is because humans are hard-wired to distrust men named Larry, but there were other factors, like: Four of the twelve Democrats on the Senate Banking Committee have already said they won’t vote for him, so he’d needed GOP support to get out of committee, which is always fun; He helped create the regulatory environment that led to the Great Recession with his full-throated (no pun intended) advocacy of repealing Glass-Steagall and continuing the largely unregulated, over-the-counter exchange of derivatives; Along those same lines, he is very cozy with much-loathed banks like Citigroup; He is widely held to be an asshole; He once pretty much out of nowhere said women are less biologically fit to do science, which is not even true, and seriously, why even say that?  Read more on Summers Vs. Warren Banking Committee Cage Match Canceled As Larry Summers Craps Out…
  tales from the fainting couch

Conservative Newspaper Editor Fired For Rude Headline About Putting Something In President’s Butt

If someone told you to go “shove it,” you’d think that was pretty cute, right? Maybe you’d come back with a quick “up your nose with a rubber hose” and, tension defused, you’d ask if they got to second base with Mary Sue and how about going to the malt shop and do they really like Ike? This is how we know you are not the Chattanooga Times Free Press, possibly the longest-named newspaper in Tennessee. The Chattanooga Times Free Press thinks that kind of talk is disgusting, and if you use such language in their pages, you’ll be out on your posterior! Sadly not sadly, Drew Johnson, the generically named former editor of that paper’s editorial page, found this out the hard way when he chose the headline “Take your jobs plan and shove it, Mr. President” for a confused and factually challenged wordpoop marking the occasion of Obama’s visit to Chattanooga. But leave it to the lame stream media to miss the REAL STORY here. Read more on Conservative Newspaper Editor Fired For Rude Headline About Putting Something In President’s Butt…