Look kids, this is what 10% unemployment looks like — one Men’s Room sign out of ten is filled with warm piss! The very important New York Times graphic adds, “That’s 15.7 million people. If the unemployed lived in one state, it would be the country’s fifth largest.” Great! Move ‘em all to one state, nuke it a few times, problem solved. [NYT]

Now that the New American Economy’s only path to profitability hinges on major corporations slashing as many salaries as possible, it would be nice of the government to extend unemployment benefits a little longer for starving permanently unemployed people who will probably die soon. (7,000 new ones a day!) A few Dems introduced a simple bill to do just that a few weeks ago. It hasn’t passed, though, because the Republicans attached numerous, unrelated amendments that more or less heckle ACORN and Mexicans for existing in White America. MORE »

YOU ARE ALL RICH SO STOP COMPLAINING: The economy grew at a 3.5% pace last quarter, with cash-for-clunkers helping boost durable good spending 22.3% and a federal tax credit for homebuyers increasing housing spending 23.4%. Now that members of the upper-middle class all have new cars and homes, the dough should be trickling down to the rest of us any day. [NYT]

Barack Obama gave a STERN SPEECH today to those evil Wall Street executives, who were barely able to suppress their giggles, but likely shat their pants instead, during bits like this: “I want everybody here to hear my words. We will not go back to the days of reckless behavior and unchecked excess at the heart of this crisis, where too many were motivated only by the appetite for quick kills and bloated bonuses. Those on Wall Street cannot resume taking risks without regard for consequences, and expect that next time, American taxpayers will be there to break their fall.” The consensus reaction seemed to be along the lines of, Meh, we’re going to continue expecting that next time, American taxpayers will be there to break our fall. [NYT]

IT’S LIKE A RECOVERY, BUT WITH NO EQUITY, SAVINGS, CONSUMER SPENDING, JOBS, RETIREMENT ACCOUNTS, INNOVATION, STRONG CURRENCY, AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE, BASIC SHELTER, OR LONG-TERM PROSPECTS FOR A COMPETITIVE MODERN ECONOMY: “The housing market continues to threaten signs of an economic recovery, with new data released on Thursday showing an all-time high of Americans falling behind on loan payments and the rate of home foreclosures unlikely to peak until late in 2010.” But the stock markets are up! Everyone in America owns bundles of good stocks, right? Right?? [The Hill]

Poor Joe Biden has spent his entire term as vice president being privately rebuked and publicly corrected by his boss. Every time Biden gives an interview, Obama comes out a couple days later and says, “I stand behind everything Joe said, except just to clarify, he meant the opposite,” and Biden has to sit in the Naughty Circle for ten minutes. MORE »

Ha ha oh jeez is it a sign of insanity when something Michele Bachmann says actually makes sense? Here’s the deal: the “unsinkable” Titanic sprung a leak and then its “three chambers” filled with water and it was TOO LATE and all the poors drowned while Kate Winslet (spoiler alert!) survived, barely. Similarly, the economy has sprung a leak and we will all die because of Barack Obama. Ya dig??? [Our Beloved C-SPAN]

Here, would you like to see Sean Hannity having an awkward chat with Sarah Palin somewhere outdoors in New York City? No? Fine. Just, if you want to, here it is, and fuck you very much, Fox, for not having an embed function on your WEB EXCLUSIVE VIDEOS. [Fox News]

The New York Times has a SCOOP, about Larry Summers! He is still a dick to everybody, and the rest of the White House economics team pretty much hates him — except for the President, who endures his terrible behavior because he is so BRILLIANT. MORE »

Barack Obama ate a hamburger… Sarah Palin got a gun… torture, they’re still going on about that… Sean Hannity is insane… what else today? Oh right, the thing, the thing where goods and services are bought and sold and jobs and money and stuff! Ben Bernanke said optimistic things about it today, albeit with a tragically ambiguous, stinging back: “Federal Reserve Chairman Ben S. Bernanke said today that the nation’s rate of economic contraction may be slowing and that he expects growth to resume later this year, but he also suggested that the economy could perform well below its potential for years to come.” What is this nonsense about the American economy having “potential”? Like building GREEN CARS and shit? [Washington Post]

Whoops you must keep an eye on this frisky new Preznet of ours, because every time you turn your back on him he’s sneaking off to deliver another speech on the economy. So we come to this one in medias res, because that makes it more exciting and suspenseful. MORE »