If getting double-teamed by James Carville and Paul Begala is not your “cup of tea bags,” then head on over to the eBay and have your credit card ready! Glenn Beck, dough-head wingnut star of Fox TeeVee’s Goin’ Nuts Again with Glenn Beck, is selling his puffy body and all its orifices, on eBay! For one glorious day, you can do whatever you want to Glenn Beck! We bet it’s for some weird cause like preventing gay marriage. You don’t have to marry him, jeez! Just do whatever you like. Put him on a dog leash, cum in his ears, re-enact that Two Girls, One Cup youtube, whatever. It’s your day. It’s your Glenn Beck. (Probably not legal to kill him, although who knows what the laws are in New York City, the way they are waging a campaign of brutality against Rush Limbaugh and all that.) [Teablogging.net/eBay]

John McCain, that poor little rich boy, was born in an Admiral’s Castle in the 16th Century, so of course he knows nothing about the Internets, which is why he often repeats some weird depressing thing about how millions of Americans are desperately selling off their meager consumer belongings on eBay, as if there’s something dignified about auctioning off your beanie-baby collection to make rent. Oh, and did you know his wonderful campaign business-lady Secretary of McCain Commerce founded eBay all by herself? That is also a lie. MORE »

WE HAVEN’T HIT BOTTOM YET: “With a winning bid of just $1.75, a Chicago woman has won an auction for an abandoned home in Saginaw.” [AP/Yahoo]

A Wonkette St. Louis Radio Spy sends us a thrilling update on the John Ashcroft Saliva Auction, now taken down from eBay because it was too sexy for mainstream tastes. Our dreams of cloning a personal army of Ashcroft Sex Robots is slowly dimming. The sad report straight from a listener’s ears, after the jump. MORE »

Once upon a time John Ashcroft was widely regarded as the worst Attorney General ever, until Alberto Gonzales came along and showed America what a truly terrible Attorney General looked like. And then the news came about Gonzales and some other henchmen going to visit Ashcroft on his deathbed to sign some thing or other, and Ashcroft was like, “Eat a dick, Al,” which temporarily endeared him to the 400 Democrats who care about this stuff. The point is, some dude is auctioning off a glass that Ashcroft once drank out of … and the contents are included. MORE »

Some jokester is selling an “air guitar owned by JFK” on eBay for $5,000, and to give credit where it’s due, the American people have not placed any bids yet. Silly eBay merchant, the correct way to run this scheme is by selling an “air Constitution owned by Ron Paul” and raising the minimum bid to $300 million. Hey, we should actually do this… [eBay]

These are Obama’s “I’m a Jerk” waffles he ate (OR DIDN’T EAT?) for breakfast yesterday at a Scranton diner. You may now purchase the leftovers on eBay, assuming you are one of the seven Americans who can afford both food and prescription drugs. [eBay via Times-Tribune]

On Monday, I directed you to an ultra-glamorous velvet painting of the secretary of state as an example of the wonderful world of Condi-inspired art. Since I was in a Condicentric mood (as usual), I never thought to see what else this gifted painter had to offer. Well, let me tell you, the Condi painting on black velvet was only the tip of a fabulous iceberg! Join me after the jump to marvel over Velvet Rove, Velvet Cheney, Velvet Ashcroft and… Velvet Lynndie England? Are these the most superfantastic portraits of our time? Probably!

MORE »

Ron Paul, presidential frontrunner and our nation’s last surviving delegate to the Constitutional Convention, signed a copy of his favorite publication and now it is available for purchase on the eBay. Bidding for a Ron Paul-autographed Constitution was at $26 at time of writing. Not sold? What if the seller were to throw in a mysterious “free gift” of some sort, a precious bauble of divine origin? MORE »

Ever think about waking up next to Mary Carey tits every morning? To spoon and cup them gently from behind? To hit that snooze button a few times and sleep in? Well, now you can. Sort of. The top-heavy porn star, who ran for governor of California against Arnold Schwarzenegger in 2003, is auctioning off her breast implants on eBay to benefit the Susan G. Komen Foundation. By post time, the highest bid was $6,400.

MORE »

Hey, parents! Christmas, Hanukkah and the African thing are all rapidly approaching, and you probably missed out on the Chinese roofies that retail experts had been calling the “Power Ranger dolls of 2007.” But don’t worry, because like most Chinese-made destructobots, you can now find all of our overlords’ toys (and maybe FINALLY that Tickle Me Elmo shit after years of searching) on these very Interwebs. MORE »