Wonkette

At yesterday’s White House Easter frolic, one very important event went virtually unremarked. Two of the Bush gals read incantations from the ancient Book of Sen-Dak to lull an unsupecting group of smooth-fleshed little ‘uns into a coma. The children were quickly clubbed over the head and hauled back to Cheney’s lair for an “egg hunt.” Terrible photos after the jump. MORE »

Because Easter celebrates fertility and ancient pagan sex rituals, the day after Easter George Bush likes to invite children to his house to observe his fecund daughter Jenna and look on in wonderment as he indulges in subtle anal play with the Easter Bunny. Join us on this appalling tour of the filthiest Easter Egg Roll since last year’s! MORE »

Happy Day After Easter, everybody! This is the time of year when Our Christian Nation celebrates the execution of the Middle Eastern insurgent Jesus al-Christ with an ancient pagan fertility festival named for the goddess Eostre. It’s also when the White House once again honors the 50 states by displaying crappy decorated eggs that are somehow representative of the states in question. Hey look it’s a terrible bloated morbidly obese Panda! Guess which “state” goes with this loathsome egg. MORE »

Yes, unofficial Clinton advisor James Carville really did suggest Hillary was Jesus. Bill Richardson’s endorsement of Barack Obama “came right around the anniversary of the day when Judas sold out for 30 pieces of silver, so I think the timing is appropriate, if ironic,” Carville said on Friday, and then an Obama guy said Bill Clinton engaged in “McCarthyite” campaign tactics, and Hitler was sad because he felt left out. [NYT, MSNBC]

Five million years ago yesterday, the Lord Jesus died for our sins and then came back to say howdy and then went away again. For this very special reason America’s First Lady is hosting an event at the White House, in which the children of the nation roll eggs down a hill and learn about ocean conservation. MORE »

Or is it? NOTICE: You must watch to the very end. The very end. And this is all you get because Ashley’s Girls Gone Wild embarrassment will be forever sealed (until it’s leaked on the Internet this weekend) because it turns out she was only 17, the end. [Thanks Pareene!]

Lynne Hamer, the acclaimed author of Name That Dog: Dogs of Presidents, Kings, Queens, Governors, and Celebrities sends us a hilarious top ten list (with two number fours and number ones) of PEOPLE WHO HAVE EGG ON THEIR FACE AND NOT IN THEIR BASKET. This is a reference to Easter, and to all the dumb losers who shilled for Barack Obama. So who’s on this magical loser list of eggfaces? MORE »

What We’ve Learned:

* While there were two Easter Bunnies walking around the White House Easter Egg Roll, only one was the Easter Bunny. The other was the Vice Easter Bunny, who was really running the Egg Roll.
* The “puppet president” Easter Bunny was played by 30-year-old Eugene J. Huang of Beverly Hills, pictured above. He’s a White House fellow focusing on “macroeconomic policy and technology, competitiveness and innovation.”
* According to our Wonkette Operative, Huang “has no sense of humor” and was given the humiliating duty as a punishment.

More hilarious furry pictures, after the hop hop hop (jump).

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Happy Easter, everybody! This is the time of year when Our Christian Nation celebrates the execution of the Middle Eastern insurgent Jesus Al Christ with an ancient pagan fertility festival named for the goddess Eostre.

The two most precious Christian symbols of this holiest of weekends are the bunny rabbit, because all it does is fuck and eat, and the painted egg, which reminds us of where all that sperm is headed. President Bush honors our national paganism each spring with a symbolic “egg hunt” in which children (the eventual product all that human sperm) run about the lawn looking for eggs or Barney’s poops.

As usual, there’s a new batch of Official State Easter Eggs which will be displayed at the White House. Join us after the jump for a gallery of dubious state symbolism.

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We saw this story on Sunday and blew it off — those wacky Associated Press and Jerusalem Post reporters and their April Fools jokes! — but might as well post it now: The U.S. will start bombing Iran on Friday, “from 4 a.m. until 4 p.m. on April 6.” Hooray! MORE »