• Using Google Maps and his abacus, Doug Ross proves Barack Obama has no business closing that Chrysler dealership in Mexico. [Doug Ross]
• In response to a Freedom of Information Act request filed by the ACLU, the White House grudgingly released a video of Mr. and Mrs. Obama, high on whippets, hosting a depraved Easter Egg Roll for stray boys and cats on their front lawn. [Hit & Run]
• Entirely unprepared to answer a kindergartner’s question regarding butt-sex and the 10th Amendment, Rep. John Culberson (R-TX) pulled the fire alarm and hid under a desk until he was reassured it was all over. [Think Progress]
• Someone on the teevee called adorable Scotswoman Susan Boyle a craven munter. Boyle responded by singing a glorious “Fuck Off,” hitting that hard to reach F6. Everyone in the room burst into tears and the Queen Mother presented her with the Order of the British Empire, which aside from other notable perks allows Susan’s descendants to drive sheep over Westminster Bridge. [The Daily Beast]
• Shameless mechaphiliac and incumbent First Gentleman of Alaska Todd Palin begged his daughter to dump her semen-filled human boyfriend and have unprotected sex with a shiny new Chrysler instead. [HuffPost]

AMERICA’S GLOBAL HOLIDAY: “Today, Easter is celebrated around the world, from Beirut to Jerusalem. Even Australians happily celebrate this spring holiday, made all the richer by the importation of European bunnies to their South Pacific island nation.” [True/Slant]

Tonight: British folk-rock stalwart Robyn Hitchcock, of Soft Boys “fame,” will be singing weird lyrics, lecturing his audience, and generally being awesome all over the Black Cat tonight. $20 tickets are still available here. 8PM. [Black Cat] MORE »

Here’s a Peep Show for the whole family: The Washington Post is now accepting submissions for its third annual Peeps Diorama Contest, in celebration of the “candy” Peeps that are somehow representative of Easter, in America. MORE »

At yesterday’s White House Easter frolic, one very important event went virtually unremarked. Two of the Bush gals read incantations from the ancient Book of Sen-Dak to lull an unsupecting group of smooth-fleshed little ‘uns into a coma. The children were quickly clubbed over the head and hauled back to Cheney’s lair for an “egg hunt.” Terrible photos after the jump. MORE »

Because Easter celebrates fertility and ancient pagan sex rituals, the day after Easter George Bush likes to invite children to his house to observe his fecund daughter Jenna and look on in wonderment as he indulges in subtle anal play with the Easter Bunny. Join us on this appalling tour of the filthiest Easter Egg Roll since last year’s! MORE »

Happy Day After Easter, everybody! This is the time of year when Our Christian Nation celebrates the execution of the Middle Eastern insurgent Jesus al-Christ with an ancient pagan fertility festival named for the goddess Eostre. It’s also when the White House once again honors the 50 states by displaying crappy decorated eggs that are somehow representative of the states in question. Hey look it’s a terrible bloated morbidly obese Panda! Guess which “state” goes with this loathsome egg. MORE »

Yes, unofficial Clinton advisor James Carville really did suggest Hillary was Jesus. Bill Richardson’s endorsement of Barack Obama “came right around the anniversary of the day when Judas sold out for 30 pieces of silver, so I think the timing is appropriate, if ironic,” Carville said on Friday, and then an Obama guy said Bill Clinton engaged in “McCarthyite” campaign tactics, and Hitler was sad because he felt left out. [NYT, MSNBC]

Five million years ago yesterday, the Lord Jesus died for our sins and then came back to say howdy and then went away again. For this very special reason America’s First Lady is hosting an event at the White House, in which the children of the nation roll eggs down a hill and learn about ocean conservation. MORE »

Or is it? NOTICE: You must watch to the very end. The very end. And this is all you get because Ashley’s Girls Gone Wild embarrassment will be forever sealed (until it’s leaked on the Internet this weekend) because it turns out she was only 17, the end. [Thanks Pareene!]

Lynne Hamer, the acclaimed author of Name That Dog: Dogs of Presidents, Kings, Queens, Governors, and Celebrities sends us a hilarious top ten list (with two number fours and number ones) of PEOPLE WHO HAVE EGG ON THEIR FACE AND NOT IN THEIR BASKET. This is a reference to Easter, and to all the dumb losers who shilled for Barack Obama. So who’s on this magical loser list of eggfaces? MORE »