WASHINGTON, DC, 06:17 AM, SUN SEPTEMBER 7 | tips@wonkette.com | SUBMIT A TIP | RSS

Posts Tagged ‘easter’

Jenna And Laura Bush Entice Youngsters Into Babylonian Fertility Ritual

Tuesday, March 25th, 2008

The little boy is sad because he is about to be dismembered aliveAt yesterday’s White House Easter frolic, one very important event went virtually unremarked. Two of the Bush gals read incantations from the ancient Book of Sen-Dak to lull an unsupecting group of smooth-fleshed little ‘uns into a coma. The children were quickly clubbed over the head and hauled back to Cheney’s lair for an “egg hunt.” Terrible photos after the jump. MORE »


President George Bush’s Sex Tour Of Easter

Monday, March 24th, 2008

Shame and defilement, right this wayBecause Easter celebrates fertility and ancient pagan sex rituals, the day after Easter George Bush likes to invite children to his house to observe his fecund daughter Jenna and look on in wonderment as he indulges in subtle anal play with the Easter Bunny. Join us on this appalling tour of the filthiest Easter Egg Roll since last year’s! MORE »


Match The Dumb Easter Egg With Its Dumb U.S. State!

Monday, March 24th, 2008

ButtersuckHappy Day After Easter, everybody! This is the time of year when Our Christian Nation celebrates the execution of the Middle Eastern insurgent Jesus al-Christ with an ancient pagan fertility festival named for the goddess Eostre. It’s also when the White House once again honors the 50 states by displaying crappy decorated eggs that are somehow representative of the states in question. Hey look it’s a terrible bloated morbidly obese Panda! Guess which “state” goes with this loathsome egg. MORE »


Jesus Christ And Joe McCarthy Battle For ‘Most Egregious Rhetorical Cudgel’ Honors

Monday, March 24th, 2008

Bachelor #1 has better hair
Yes, unofficial Clinton advisor James Carville really did suggest Hillary was Jesus. Bill Richardson’s endorsement of Barack Obama “came right around the anniversary of the day when Judas sold out for 30 pieces of silver, so I think the timing is appropriate, if ironic,” Carville said on Friday, and then an Obama guy said Bill Clinton engaged in “McCarthyite” campaign tactics, and Hitler was sad because he felt left out. [NYT, MSNBC]


Historic White House Easter Egg Roll Happening Right Now!!!

Monday, March 24th, 2008

Are you washed in the blood of the lamb?Five million years ago yesterday, the Lord Jesus died for our sins and then came back to say howdy and then went away again. For this very special reason America’s First Lady is hosting an event at the White House, in which the children of the nation roll eggs down a hill and learn about ocean conservation. MORE »


This Probably Isn’t The Eliot Spitzer/Ashley-Kristen Sex Tape

Friday, March 21st, 2008


Or is it? NOTICE: You must watch to the very end. The very end. And this is all you get because Ashley’s Girls Gone Wild embarrassment will be forever sealed (until it’s leaked on the Internet this weekend) because it turns out she was only 17, the end. [Thanks Pareene!]


Dog-Book Author Celebrates Easter By Mocking Obama Supporters

Wednesday, March 5th, 2008

Required readingLynne Hamer, the acclaimed author of Name That Dog: Dogs of Presidents, Kings, Queens, Governors, and Celebrities sends us a hilarious top ten list (with two number fours and number ones) of PEOPLE WHO HAVE EGG ON THEIR FACE AND NOT IN THEIR BASKET. This is a reference to Easter, and to all the dumb losers who shilled for Barack Obama. So who’s on this magical loser list of eggfaces? MORE »


Meet the White House Easter Bunny

Tuesday, April 10th, 2007

bunnyhead1.jpg
What We’ve Learned:

* While there were two Easter Bunnies walking around the White House Easter Egg Roll, only one was the Easter Bunny. The other was the Vice Easter Bunny, who was really running the Egg Roll.
* The “puppet president” Easter Bunny was played by 30-year-old Eugene J. Huang of Beverly Hills, pictured above. He’s a White House fellow focusing on “macroeconomic policy and technology, competitiveness and innovation.”
* According to our Wonkette Operative, Huang “has no sense of humor” and was given the humiliating duty as a punishment.

More hilarious furry pictures, after the hop hop hop (jump).

MORE »


Meet Your State’s Crappy Easter Egg!

Thursday, April 5th, 2007

Happy Easter, everybody! This is the time of year when Our Christian Nation celebrates the execution of the Middle Eastern insurgent Jesus Al Christ with an ancient pagan fertility festival named for the goddess Eostre.

The two most precious Christian symbols of this holiest of weekends are the bunny rabbit, because all it does is fuck and eat, and the painted egg, which reminds us of where all that sperm is headed. President Bush honors our national paganism each spring with a symbolic “egg hunt” in which children (the eventual product all that human sperm) run about the lawn looking for eggs or Barney’s poops.

As usual, there’s a new batch of Official State Easter Eggs which will be displayed at the White House. Join us after the jump for a gallery of dubious state symbolism.

MORE »


Happy Good Friday! U.S. Attack On Iran Just One Day Away

Wednesday, April 4th, 2007

Hold me ... - WonketteWe saw this story on Sunday and blew it off — those wacky Associated Press and Jerusalem Post reporters and their April Fools jokes! — but might as well post it now: The U.S. will start bombing Iran on Friday, “from 4 a.m. until 4 p.m. on April 6.” Hooray! MORE »