Wonkette

Continuing his 10-state victory spree that has crushed the cold dreams of Bill and Hillary, today Barack Obama won the Democratic Primary of the Whole Planet! The “Democrats Abroad” group held its global primary over the past several weeks — due to the World Democrats being all over the World — and the results were finally announced this morning. Barry crushed Hillary, 65%-32%. This means another 11 delegates for Obama, except for the ones he doesn’t get, because of the superdelegates and the pledged delegates and the undecideds and the mercenary global soldiers of fortune delegates. [CNN Ticker]

Washington has a plan to save us from the 5,000-pound satellite that will crash back to Earth in a few weeks and kill most Americans: The Pentagon is going to fire a missile at the out-of-control bus-sized piece of toxic space junk! If it works, we might survive until one of the other thousands of satellites crash back to Earth and kill us all. MORE »