Wonkette

John McCain’s web site features a challenging video game called “Pork Invaders,” which is designed to illustrate how he will balance the $900 trillion budget deficit by cutting hundreds of millions of dollars in earmarks and “waste.” And because he is John McCain, he will use War to veto these earmarks. See for yourself in the game — you, President McCain, “fire a veto” with the spacebar at little piggie space monsters to prevent them from shitting firecrackers on your subprime mud huts. [John McCain]

John McCain is now trying to court the Women’s Christian Temperance Union from Hillary Clinton’s stable — even though she was a lush — by nixing every Beer Bill that comes his way. Here’s what he said at his “small business” (major corporate) address today: “I will veto every single beer, um, bill with earmarks.” It’s funny because he won’t do either of those things. Liberal. Oh and he also made a joke about how he crashes expensive military planes: “In speaking about his proposal for joint town hall meetings with Obama, McCain said — following the prepared remarks — that he would like to travel with his rival by air. Then, going off script, the famously-downed navy pilot said, ‘I promise not to try to fly.’” Ha ha, because he might accidentally firebomb innocent families! [First Read]

OBAMA RELEASES HORRIFYING LIST OF EARMARKS: Barack Obama released his earmark requests from fiscal years 2006 and 2007 today, but HITLERY did not. What terrible money lies could she be hiding? If you’ve seen the full list of Obama’s earmarks, you’ll realize that it doesn’t matter what either did, because no one will ever read these things. Have you ever seen such a long, boring compilation of numbers and words? Since it’s Barry, we’ll just believe they are all fine and Empowering earmarks. [via Ben Smith]

Sen. Ted Stevens of Alaska is the president of cereal! This weekend, he participated in Anchorage’s “third-annual Crafters Smackdown,” where raging hobos and salmon construct beautiful “Alaska cereal boxes” as bloodsport. Given the contest’s lax ethics rules, it is no surprise that the most corrupt senator in world history won. MORE »

Congressman Don Young and Senator Ted Stevens have faced more trials than Job this year, what with people insisting on investigating their alleged bribe-taking and use of their offices for personal gain and whatever. So mean! But, as a thank you for their years of dedicated service to the constituents and lobbyists that paid them enough, the House and Senate finally allowed them to get their “bridge to nowhere” in this year’s defense appropriations bill. And, by “nowhere” they mean Ketchikan (where Young’s son-in-law owns currently useless land) and by “bridge” they mean ferry to make the commute to Anchorage 15 minutes instead of 2 hours. Oh, ok, that makes it totally better this time! [Washington Post]

“Rep. Bob Inglis, R-S.C., won a $3.5 million earmark in the fiscal 2008 Defense spending bill for a cold-weather clothing system despite indicating to the House Appropriations Committee that the money was intended for Cassidy & Associates, a Washington, D.C., lobbying firm that does not manufacture textiles.” [CQ]

What West Virginia lacks in jobs, population, and reasons to live there, it more than makes up for in receipt of shitloads of government money. So who can blame Rep. Alan Mollohan for unethically steering millions of dollars to his “poverty-ridden district” (and, uh, to his own personal poverty-ridden bank account)? Turns out lots of people can blame him for this, including the FBI, and now the House Rules Committee. MORE »

According to new House rules, approved earmark requests on spending bills are now ours for the public oversighting. Exciting news if you love reading lengthy, poorly-scanned .pdfs! There are a couple gems, though. Like the above, from the Interior and the Environment bill. Representative Emerson will be receiving a cool half a million dollars for “meth prevention” at the Mark Twain National Forest. ‘Cause there are few things in this life sadder than a tweaking deer. MORE »

Two writers, two “staffers,” and six interns pooled the extensive resources of CNN.com to email every member of the House and politely ask them what their earmark requests were for the upcoming fiscal year. MORE »

* Iowa voters get high off the smell of their own farts, pretend to listen to what Hillary Clinton has to say. [WP, NYT, WSJ, USAT]
* Mike Hukabee starts his Presidential campaign by getting Tim Russert to admit he’s digging his grave, “with a knife and fork.” [WP, NYT]
* Giant q-tip is inserted into the Congressional earmark culture to clean out the “pornography” and “terrorists.” Staffers keep their fingers crossed for a furlough day. [WP]
* Loving father John Negroponte is going from one job he doesn’t need to another. [WP]
* Handful of movie stars, handful of hippies were all that showed for weekend’s peace march. [CNN]
* Not just New Orleans: levees are fucked nationwide. [USAT]
* Federal judges just a bunch of wikilectuals. [NYT]