Wonkette

Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™!

It was a superfun Condiweek, starting off with festive drinks in Dubai and ending with an apparently drunken farewell to an old friend. In between was another OMG SURPRISE! trip to Iraq and a frightening encounter with a dangerous bird. Relive the magic after the jump!

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Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™!

The New Year Condidrought is over …. Or is it? Last week got off to a rousing start with a slew of interviews and then climaxed with Our Heroine’s trip to the Middle East with the boss. To a less practiced Condiwatcher, this would indicate a return to business-as-usual for the secretary of state. But I know better: the real Condoleezza Rice is still on vacation. What we’ve been seeing this past week has been the Condibot.

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We’ve all been wondering where Cheney would seek exile, and today the answer was delivered: Dubai. MORE »

• Names & Faces: Art Buchwald takes a break … Dallas Austin pardoned in Dubai. [WP]
• Page Six: Rudy Giuliani shares campaign ambitions with some party-goers, snubs others. [NYP]
• Daily Dish: Andrew Cuomo gets campaign support from the guy who allegedly ruined his marriage. [NYDN]
• Under the Dome: Presumed Bill Frist replacement works for the NASCAR vote. [The Hill]

* The president and lawmakers scramble to gain political advantage as oil companies report record profits; fuel-economy standards may be raised. [WP, NYT, W$J]
* Fitzgerald will decide within weeks whether to charge Rove with perjury. [NYT]
* FEMA faces storm of criticism but no solution stands out; Bush lends a hand in New Orleans: “There’s lots of progress. There’s still a lot to be done.” [WP, WP, NYT, W$J]
* House narrowly passes lobbying reform bill; last-minute deal targets earmarks. [WP, NYT, USAT, W$J]
* Bush approves Dubai ownership of nine domestic military plants. [NYT]

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* If anyone has hijacked Captain America for their own sordid purposes, it isn’t the right-wingers. Loads of muscles, skin-tight outfits… [Total Information Awareness] MORE »

Pierce Bush! He’s the super-cool laid-back son of Neil (the black sheep Bush brother), just chillin’, brah, down in Austin, checkin’ out the scene, scorin’ wit’ bitches, knahahmsayin’? MORE »

This week’s Sunday shows were best viewed with 20/20 hindsight.

Top topics: Dubai ports deal (dead) and the Southern Republican Leadership Conference straw poll (meaningless). This was leavened with some talk of Iraq and a single, lonely reference to Saturday’s Gridiron show.

Quotes to live by:
• Chris Wallaces curses us out: “Do the Democrats have — pardon the expression — a Newt Gingrich?”
• Bill Kristol also has the first Arctic Monkeys seven-inch: “I liked McCain before it was cool for conservatives to like McCain.”
• Everyone (except surprise mystery guest Joe Biden) avoids saying they’re running for President, though Huckabee does announce for 2016.
• Hospice-bound Art Buchwald stays wry: “I believe in God, but I’m not too certain that the people who are telling me that ‘it’s God’s will’ are the people I want to be listening to.”

Full rundown after the jump.

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* Oh, the fun we have! Chris Matthews’ friends laughed at Kim Eisler, then Wonkette’s friends laughed at Chris Matthews’ stationery.
* But no one laughed at Jack Kingston’s attempt to cop some street cred.
* Ports, Ports, Ports.
* Having saved David Gregory’s job, we are expecting to be the next recipient of one of his giggly drunk international calls. It’s only fair, Dave.
* We witnessed the all-too-soon end of Take Your Legislator To Lunch day. To everyone’s disappointment.
* Wolf met Jack, and it looks like we made it through the post without a Brokeback Mountain joke! Good work all, drinks all around.
* We called Pat Roberts, and he didn’t seem particularly happy to hear from us. Sometimes we just think funny things…
* They may not be able to convince the International Community that they’re a responsible governing body, but Hamas has convinced 10-year-old girls across the world that martyrs are totally cute.
* Ex-prostitute Tom Malin is not an ex-gay ex-prostitute. He is also, unfortunately, not a Texas State Representative.
* We got drunk at the Press Club! With bloggers! Which son do you think Mrs. Reed is prouder of: Lou, or the one who edits that libertarian magazine?
* Is the military censoring Wonkette? Not exactly, unless you have a pretty liberal definition of “censoring.” But someone doesn’t like us, that’s for sure.
* The State Department is, apparently, a hotbed of bitchy gossip and infighting. Obviously, we’ll be much more interested in it from here on out. U.S. Ambassador to Sudan: “Where’s your prophet now?”
* Is it just us, or were there like fifty identical poll results released this week that were all treated as breaking news? Anyway, we just liked the ones that came with graphics.

President Bush’s nephew Pierce, recently took to the letters page of the Houston Chronicle to offer his uncle a measure of support on the Dubai ports matter. Yesterday, in a telephone interview with the Chronicle, Bush related his reasoning for leaving Georgetown University for the relatively removed environment of UT-Austin. MORE »

Well, the furor over the Dubai ports deal has officially climaxed, leaving President Bush aggrieved and the Sergeant-At-Arms of the Senate still cleaning the lectern of the spooge of righteous indignation. The story is now on its way to Sunday morning for pundits of all stripes to pick over its corpse. MORE »

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OMG! OMG! Lou Dobbs is on TV right now, talking about how the Congress shut down the ports deal and he’s so totally cute that I just want to put him in my pocket! His idealism is all alit and he’s pumping his fists and he’s trying to get Kyra Phillips to hop on the new day in America train with him. MORE »

* House Appropriations Committee votes overwhelmingly to block Dubai ports deal; measure was attached to war spending bill. [WP]
* For Republican lawmakers, “political considerations” trump loyalty to Bush over port deal and, to a lesser extent, eavesdropping. Rep. Roy Blunt (R-MO): “If there was ever a good time for Congress to figure out oversight, it would be in the sixth year of a presidency.” [NYT]
* Senate compromise would permit eavesdropping on Americans without court warrant; administration would have 45 days to prove individual cases. [NYT]
* Bush accuses Congress of underfunding Gulf Coast reconstruction: “Congress heard our message about improving the levees, but they shortchanged the process by about $1.5 billion.” [WP, NYT]
* Senators agree to reject meals and gifts from lobbyists. [WP, NYT]
* Jack Abramoff to Vanity Fair: “Any important Republican who comes out and says they didn’t know me is almost certainly lying.” [NYT]
* Senate Republicans try to trim Bush’s spending requests for defense and foreign aid. [W$J]
* South Dakota expected to start trend of states rethinking abortion rights; nine others are moving to limit the procedure. [W$J]
* Michael Chertoff looks for the high road as others point fingers of blame — and some directly at him. [NYT]