Tag: drunk driving

Don't worry, Macaulay Culkin didn't do anything wrong!

Hooray, ‘Affluenza’ Boy Staying In Jail! Hope He Doesn’t Drunk Kill Anybody There :(

<a href="http://wonkette.com/536305/you-wont-believe-this-rich-kids-one-weird-successful-twinkie-defense-oh-wait-actually-you-will"></a>Remember Ethan Couch, the current title holder of Shittiest Rich Boy Spawn In America? He's the one who drunk-killed four people with his car when he was 16, and then got probation because AWWWWW the poor baby didn't...

Your New Favorite Indiana Hero Wants To Arm All The Drunks, For Freedom

What goes better together than guns and booze? Nothing, obviously. That's why Wonkette's new favorite state senator, and already a leading contender for Legislative Shitmuffin of 2016, Jim Tomes of Indiana, is gonna fight for your right to parrrrrtayyyyy: State...

Spoiled Rich Kid ‘Affluenza’ Killer Busted Being Spoiled Rich Kid In Mexico, Oops!

Looks like party funtimes are over for Ethan Couch, the Texas teen who oopsidentally drunk-killed four people and injured nine others with his daddy's car because his terrible suck-knob parents gave him all the MTV video games and iToys and never taught...

Uh Oh, White People, A Cop Shot A White Dude And Got Away With It

Here's a new variation on the "Cop Gets Away With Shooting Unarmed Victim" theme: A cop in Paradise, California, will not be charged after pulling his gun and shooting an unarmed accident victim, Andrew Nicholas Thomas, 26, while Thomas...
Don't worry, Macaulay Culkin didn't do anything wrong!

Poor Little ‘Affluenza’ Boy Violates Probation, May Have Fled America With ISIS Or His Mom

Once upon a time there was a horrible 16-year-old boy named Ethan Couch, who road-murdered four people in Texas after getting potted up on liquor. He wasn't tried as an adult, because the poor widdle baby was just a...
So you say there's a race of cops in the trees?

Cop Too Soused To Accept Mothers Against Drunk Driving Award. Yes, In Florida.

A Florida law enforcement officer was too inebriated to accept an award from Mothers Against Drunk Driving, apparently arriving at the ceremony so sloshed that he was unable to walk straight. Officer Michael Szeliga of the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Department...
The comments section at Gawker?

Seattle Earthquakes, Unborned Fetus Parts And Gawker! Your Weekly Top Ten.

  Hey Wonkers, happy Sunday afternoon! We hope you are full of brunch and joy and whatever else you like to be full of, dicks probably. So it's time to count down the top ten posts of the week, aren't...
The state of Tennessee needs you to know these are total wildebeests.

Tennessee Says Don’t Drive Drunk, And Don’t Go Home With That Ugly Bitch Either

Sup, bros? You drunk? Well, if you are drunk and you are in Tennessee, the Governor's Highway Safety Office has an important message for you! First off, don't drive drunk. And also, that bitch you are talking to is...

Florida Is Completely F*cked, The Legislative Edition! Your Florida Roundup.

Florida , noun: 1) A callous, avaricious swampland of greed and dumb run by bible-thumpers and hucksters the state’s residents aren't smart enough to vote out of office, no matter how badly they fuck them over. We’ll begin this edition...
William's on a first-name basis with the law now

Rand Paul’s Jerk Son Just Can’t Stop Getting Arrested For Drunken Hijinks!

Rand Paul's son, Young Master William Hilton Heir of Rand And Ron Paul, has a bit of a problem. He just can't stop getting drunk when he is not supposed to. Like, when he is underage. Or driving a vehicle...

Secret Service Bros Drunk Drive Into White House Barricades. Party On!

Have you ever wondered, when they’re not scoring those sweet, sweet South American hookers or being generally incompetent, what Secret Service agents do for fun? Sure you have. Well, it turns out they behave just like the rest of...
According to his notes, he's very sorry now

Not-Racist Mississippi Gent Very Sorry Now For All That Not-Racism

Hooray, we have defeated racism once again! It seems like it was just days ago that Mississippi state Rep. Gene Alday (R-Even Though Democrats Are The REAL Racists) was still trying to justify his charming reflections on coming "from...
There's always 2016...

What Happened To The ‘Gays Cause Autism’ Lady? Your Fringe Candidate Roundup!

We know what you're thinking. "Did the bizarro Illinois lady who said that autism, dementia, and tornados are God's punishment for abortions and ghey marriage actually get elected to Congress?" This being the kind of election year that brought...

Drinky McDrunkerson Minnesota Supreme Court Candidate Utterly Incapable Of Obeying The Law

Remember how the good people of the Minnesota Republican Party endorsed Michelle MacDonald as their Supreme Court candidate, presumably because she believes in the Bible pretty much more than anything else, which is just what you want from your...

Florida Rep. ‘Dane Eagle’ Arrested For Drunken Fratty 2 A.M. Taco Bell Run

Raise your hand if you have ever been to Taco Bell at 2 a.m., drunk. All of you, just like we thought. It’s kind of required if you read our mommy/warblog. Now raise your hand if you have ever...