Tipster “Patrick” informs us that the foreign press is spreading nutty rumors about a drunken President Bush making an ass out of himself in front of Israeli leaders. As if! The translation after the jump. MORE »

Admit it: You see your president on the teevee, and you want to hit something — him, actually. You would like to hit him with a frying pan, perhaps, or a comical ACME anvil. Now, imagine having to share a house with George.

According to journalistic newspaper sources, George’s long-suffering wife Laura is basically beating the hell out of him all the time, and his face just a big scratched-up bruise. No wonder he ran off to Israel or Kuwait or wherever!

First Lady Laura’s Bloody Fight With Boozing Bush [GLOBE/Eschaton]

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America’s Mayor ™ was arrested again on Saturday, but he miraculously avoided the usual DUI or drug charges. This is what they call a “Christmas Miracle.” MORE »

We know Iraq is George W. Bush’s long-delayed personal Vietnam War, but this is getting ridiculous: America actually lost a Marine in Vietnam during Bush’s visit. MIAs in Vietnam again? Let’s rock it Apocalypse Now style!

The missing staff sergeant was a maintenance specialist assigned to the Marine One Presidential Helicopter detail. After a night out drinking with fellow Marines, the specialist “left his hotel on the back of a moped driven by a local national without telling anyone,” a Marine Corps spokeswoman confirmed to ABC News.

Despite his CO “suspecting foul play or terrorism” and shutting down various bars in Hanoi in the frantic search, the Marine was just out partying with a “local national” (hooker) and wasn’t even really AWOL as he was off duty for the night. MORE »

We automatically tune out the cable-news Daily Weather Freakout because it’s always some trailer park in the south or whatever, but it appears there’s an actual Tornado Watch in DC, right now. MORE »

America’s Mayor was back in court this morning, this time pleading Not Guilty to drunk driving and three other charges. MORE »

Losing your “safe seat” in the House doesn’t mean you’re a Loser — according to the Albany magazine “Success,” it means just the opposite. MORE »

We’re getting to this important news a whole 15 hours late, due to everything and everybody going insane. MORE »

These Nevada results are almost astonishing, or they’re cooked. MORE »

As we’ve learned from American legends such as Mel Gibson and Mark Foley, everybody in this country is basically one drink away from doing something insane like ranting about the Evil Jews or trying to fuck kids. MORE »