By the Comics Curmudgeon
Hey, you know what, America: I want this health care dealio over with as soon as you do. Not because I care about my own or anyone else’s health, mind you; I am just tired of all the cartoons being churned out about it, when there could be cartoons churned out about something much sexier, like a sex scandal, or a gay sex scandal. But until that day comes, I will be forced to comment on the whole health care reform thingimabob. Fortunately, none of the cartoonists commenting on it understand it any more than I do, but they do sure do know one thing: poop is hilarious! MORE »

Just a few months ago, the world watched with mouths agape as the assorted gentlemen of the Supreme Court tittered over a case involving a 13-year-old girl who’d been strip searched at school. The kid was accused by a fellow student (Curveball?) of handing out prescription-strength ibuprofen to her peers, and when school officials couldn’t find it in her backpack they made her demonstrate it was not in her bra or panties. Pretty fucked up, right? MORE »

DRUGS, ROCK & BARACK OBAMA: R.U. Sirius, longtime chronicler of and participant in the Cyberpunk-Counterculture Wars, has a new book about rock artists on dope called Everybody Must Get Stoned. And your Wonkette editor interviewed R.U. about these important topics, including how high Barack Obama used to get, back in the day. [True/Slant Part I/Part II]

Well, this is nifty! Consumer Reports performs a valuable service for you, the consumer, by putting giant phalluses through the rigors of a public cardiac stress test in Washington’s own Union Station. No wait, them there is pills, demonstrating how a scientist in the future might compare the effectiveness of different drugs. Note the eye chart off to the side, which says, mysteriously, “WE HIDE FROM OURSELVES [INCOMPREHENSIBLY SMALL TYPE, ETC.]“. MORE »

Thursday, early evening. She turns the key to her Dungeon of Medicines, an isolated pod floating atop the highest vistas of Park Avenue. It is constructed of the finest Metals and can only be reached by rickshaw. Even after all these years, the scent of myrrh lingers. A glass of scotch is poured and she takes to the shelves. Tonight will be a night of barbiturates. Full bottles of Amytal, Nembutal, Seconal, et. al, are downed within seconds. She takes to her camel fur chair — a special model, in that it is an actual camel — and waits whilst supping on a bowl of cough syrup. The hour becomes 10, then 11, then 12. Midnight. A new day. But still, nothing. She is able to walk; this should not be physically possible. Time to bring out the typing machinery. She is struck, sober, hands on the keys, sitting on a camel, poised, wrought, a wordsmith to the death, honest. Peggy Noonan has written her headline: “There’s No Pill for This Kind of Depression.” MORE »

• WHY MICHAEL PHELPS IS THE WORST PERSON EVER: Did you hear about this Phelps character, an elite swimmer who was photographed smoking the evil gateway drug marijuana? “It doesn’t matter that ‘everybody else is doing it,’ because my bet is that everybody else smoking pot at that student party at the University of South Carolina doesn’t have endorsement deals worth $100 million. They haven’t courted the concept of being a role model and selling cellphones and cereal to mothers and grandmothers and little children.” Next we will find out that Michael Phelps didn’t pay his taxes, and then his political career is OVER. [Washington Post]

OBAMA BRO BUSTED FOR ONE JOINT! Oh noes, one of Barack Obama’s million half-brothers somewhere got arrested, for having a single joint. Where does this dude live, Oklahoma? No, the slums of Kenya! So the cops are just going to fuck with anyone named “Obama” for the next eight years. [Gawker/Telegraph]

As approximately 15 bajillion tipsters have excitedly emailed us, Sarah Palin’s daughter’s soon-to-be-baby-daddy’s mom has been arrested for something having to do with drugs. On the one hand, this is totally non-news, because trashy white ladies get arrested every day for — well, whatever Sherry Johnston was arrested for, nobody’s saying. Dealing pot? Cooking meth? Secretly growing a glorious garden of opium poppies in her back yard in scenic Wasilla, home to the world’s largest collection of dumpsters and gravel pits? MORE »

See, “S. Man?” Just like we told you yesterday. Why does Obama hate the Left? [Change.gov]

On Change.gov’s “Open for Questions” section, this one from “S. Man,” which asks no one, since Obama will never read any of these Obama himself if he will legalize marijuana, is the top concern among Change.gov patrons. We don’t speak for Obama, but to answer your question “S. Man” et al.: No. He will not legalize marijuana. Ever. Now let’s move on. [Change.gov via The Hill]

Country music star Joe the Plumber comically missed a McCain rally earlier this morning, but this afternoon he dragged himself out of his new McMansion, put on his new faux-Armani suit, and brought his three high-class hookers (Diamondchest, Firesuck and Lightningpussy) to an afternoon rally, appearing with bloodshot eyes and chugging a bottle of Dom P. and offering faint praise of politics or something, whatever it was that got him famous. MORE »