Tag Archives: drugs

  First Doob No Harm

New Surgeon General Will Get America Higher Than A Richard Linklater Movie

Cancer patients have a lot of laughs too!
In yet another sign that the Apotcalypse is nearly upon us, the recently confirmed surgeon general of the United States, Vivek Murthy, said on national television that marijuana just might not be a demon weed that inevitably leads mild-mannered accountants to go on murderous rampages, fourth graders mainlining heroin, or college sophomores reading Ayn Rand. Read more on New Surgeon General Will Get America Higher Than A Richard Linklater Movie…
  today in hilarious rape comedy

Listen To Bill Cosby’s Taped Confession. We Mean ‘Comedy’ ‘Routine’

with the jello and the pudding
Our pals at the Village Voice’s Running Scared blog have done some journalism: they have actually listened to Bill Cosby’s old albums, until they found a HILARIOUS bit about how AWESOME it would be to have a drug you could put in ladies’ drinks until they wanted to fuck you! (Or passed out, puking themselves, on a couch, while you fucked them. Six of one …) Read more on Listen To Bill Cosby’s Taped Confession. We Mean ‘Comedy’ ‘Routine’…
  Second-Moynihanned Ideas

Ben Stein Is Still A F*cking Racist Idiot

Would you buy a used socioeconomic argument from this man? (Also, the Flim Flam Brothers want their costumes back)
Great rightwing thinker Ben Stein — who no doubt breathes a sigh of relief every time he remembers that Newt Gingrich got called “a dumb person’s idea of a smart person” before that title could be bestowed on Ben Stein — has a fresh new understanding of where all of America’s problems with race come from: poor blacks, who were just on the verge of all becoming wealthy before they destroyed themselves with the drugs and the crime (and probably that hippity hop music), and then liberals enslaved them with government programs. Read more on Ben Stein Is Still A F*cking Racist Idiot…
  Conduct Unbecoming To A Human Being

Alaska National Guard A Hotbed Of Rapey Recruiters Led By End-Times Porn Baron

True fact: The Anchorage Press's filename for this photo is 'assface_lawendowski.jpg'
Wonkette would like to give a hearty welcome to Lt. Col. Joseph R. Lawendowski, our daily (hourly?) “He seems nice” contestant. Lt. Col. Lawendowski is a rough tough military man and the Deputy Chief of Staff for Operations and Training of the Alaska National Guard. Please note the use of present tense there, which is rather surprising, given that military investigators submitted a confidential report (an “AR 15-6” in military terms, not to be mistaken for the similarly named semiautomatic rifle) back in March and leaked to the Anchorage Press. Read more on Alaska National Guard A Hotbed Of Rapey Recruiters Led By End-Times Porn Baron…
  Deepest Sympathies For Your Being Black

Alabama Governor Consoles Family Of Murdered 8-Year-Old Black Girl By Suggesting Their Dysfunction Killed Her (Updated)

May this face haunt Robert Benchley's dreams forever
UPDATE: A spokeswoman for Gov. Bentley has offered an explanation; see end of post. Hiawayi Robinson, of Pritchard, Alabama, a small city on the north side of Mobile, was looking forward to turning nine years old next week. On Tuesday, Hiawayi had talked to her father on the phone about what she wanted for her birthday (a laptop computer) and told him that she was going downstairs to see if her cousin was home. She never came back. Read more on Alabama Governor Consoles Family Of Murdered 8-Year-Old Black Girl By Suggesting Their Dysfunction Killed Her (Updated)…
  is that a tattoo on your gut or are you unhappy to see me?

Guy With Dumb Gun Tattoo Accessorizes With Actual Dumb Gun

So, back in March, the nice shirtless gentleman you see here, one Michael Smith, 41, of Norridgewock, Maine, made the “weird news” features when a tree-removal crew called police because they were frightened of the strange man yelling at them with a “gun” tucked into his waistband — and as you can see, the gun turned out to be a semi-realistic tattoo. Once the misunderstanding was cleared up (and the photos taken of course), there were laughs all around and no charges were filed. And so of course it only stands to reason that a couple months later, Mr. Smith would get arrested with an actual gun tucked into his waistband. He seems nice. Read more on Guy With Dumb Gun Tattoo Accessorizes With Actual Dumb Gun…
  i'm rick james bitch

Oklahoma’s Former GOP Chief Reminds Us That Cocaine Is One Hell Of A Drug

What’s up with the GOP and substance abuse these days? First there was the “cocaine Congressman” from Florida, and then the drunk-driving Taco Bell state representative, also from Florida. Apparently Oklahoma has a big SAD about not getting enough attention, so former GOP party chief Chad Alexander played the role of spoiled child and screamed LOOK AT MEEEEEEE: Chad Alexander, a prominent lobbyist and former chairman of the Oklahoma Republican Party, was arrested on drug complaints after a traffic stop in Oklahoma City in which police officers said they found cocaine and pills. Read more on Oklahoma’s Former GOP Chief Reminds Us That Cocaine Is One Hell Of A Drug…
  pretend we're dead

Sluttiness Leads To Death, Warns Your Freaky Pastor, We Mean The Las Vegas P.D.

What up, sluts? You busy popping those sweet Obamacare slut pills so you can slut so hard? Well, you may want to take a quick break from slutting to review this Very Important Public Service Announcement to Sluts from the Metro Police of Las Vegas, who sponsored what sounds like a super-fun Saturday night party called “Choose Purity”: Do not slut it up because it will probably kill you. “Choose Purity” aimed to show young girls what can happen when they don’t wait until marriage to have sex, according to Officer Regina Coward, president of the Nevada Black Police Association, who said she’d been asked by her church, Victory Outreach Church, to create a community event to go along with its abstinence message. So what does Coward say happens? Typically four things: sexual assault, gangs, drugs and prostitution. […] Sending a message of abstinence is crime prevention, Coward said. We are not even going to dive into the, shall we say, problematic issue of a police department co-sponsoring a distinctly religious event with a church. Let’s just go straight to the part where we scratch our heads and go “huh? what?” at some of the so-called consequences that Officer Regina Coward claims young unladylike ladies face if they spread their legs before someone puts a ring on it. Read more on Sluttiness Leads To Death, Warns Your Freaky Pastor, We Mean The Las Vegas P.D….
  you can't cheat in the war room!

Air Force Missile Crews Full Of Druggies, Cheaters. Like, Worse Than Bloggers, Even.

While we generally are in favor of moral degenerates here at Wonkette — we know our audience, after all — we would be much happier to think that, if we have to have nuclear missile silos at all (couldn’t we just convert them to organic hemp farms?), then the men and women staffing them should be the clean-cut super-disciplined teams of steely-eyed cold warriors that we know and love from all those movies, not a bunch of drug-addled fratboys who cheat on tests. Yeah, chuck another stereotype on the fire. Looks like we’re now getting a closer look at the “rot” that we heard about last year, when a bunch of officers got shitcanned for their missile crews’ shoddy preparedness and training. Turns out the problem was a lot wider than that one base in North Dakota, though: The Air Force has suspended security clearances for 34 officers and is re-testing the entire force overseeing America’s nuclear-armed missiles after uncovering widespread cheating on a key proficiency exam. The incident was the largest single case of cheating in America’s nuclear missile wings in memory, and is the latest embarrassment for a force that faces growing questions over discipline and morale in the post-Cold War era. Well, sure, there was some cheating and corruption — and sure, it was discovered as part of an ongoing investigation into drug possession by officers at several different Air Force bases — but as a wise general once said, “I don’t think it’s fair to condemn a whole program because of a single slip-up.” Read more on Air Force Missile Crews Full Of Druggies, Cheaters. Like, Worse Than Bloggers, Even….
  toking the high ground

Florida Welfare Recipients Now Welcome To Get High On Life, Other Substances

Well, here is some happy news for 2014. The GOP is losing another battle in one of it’s ongoing wars. Are we talking about the war on women? No. How about the war on health care? Nope. War on Christmas? No, not that war either (we know — so many wars to keep track of). In fact, we are talking about a 2-for-1 blow to wars on drugs and poors! According to ThinkProgress, U.S. District Judge Mary S. Scriven struck down a provision that mandated drug testing for all applicants seeking welfare in the state of Florida. There are unconfirmed reports that residents of Colorado are sending celebratory brownies to all the poors in Florida.  Read more on Florida Welfare Recipients Now Welcome To Get High On Life, Other Substances…
  do you fear what i fear?

The War On Christmas Just Got Surreal With This Screaming Nightmare Fuel Ad (Updated)

So here’s some high-octane Nightmare Fuel — you may want to remove any kids from the room before viewing — from something calling itself “St. Mary’s At Large.” The ad’s producers claim it has been airing on MSNBC and Fox News in the New York/New Jersey region. In it, a vaguely Burl-Ives-ish voice intones, “This is Amy. She lives in America. She’s free to smile to show she’s happy. Everyone’s OK with this. Amy is a Christian. She’s also free to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ to show she’s happy. But not everyone is OK with this. We are one nation under God. No man owns Amy’s happiness, and no man will define how she shows it” And then “Amy” screams (it could be dubbed in), and giggles, as an ornament behind her falls and shatters. Oh, and as we learn that “Amy” is a Christian and not everyone is OK with that, “Amy” turns her head and we see that her face has a couple of cuts on it — or maybe that’s jam.  This is the most thoroughly WTF ad we’ve seen since a strange Minnesota man stepped out of a lake holding a coffee cup. But at least that one didn’t end with a sudden piercing scream. Why are the atheists beating Amy for being a Christian? Will this ad truly “end the war on Christmas” as the producer hopes? Will someone please wash the jam/makeup off Amy’s face? Read more on The War On Christmas Just Got Surreal With This Screaming Nightmare Fuel Ad (Updated)…
  the fat man has sung

Oh, OK, Rob Ford Smoked All The Crack.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admitted today that he actually has smoked crack cocaine, as it turns out. Probably just slipped his mind. After a rather bizarre set-up — “You asked me a question back in May, and you can repeat that question” — Ford told reporters, “Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine. I am an addict? No. Have I tried it? Probably in one of my drunken stupors, probably about a year ago.” Ford added that he’s “made mistakes,” and that all he can do now is to “apologize and move on.” Sounds good to us! It’s so nice to have all that unpleasantness behind us, isn’t it? Best new lie: “I wasn’t lying. You didn’t ask the correct questions.” You know. Like the question back in May that he asked the reporter to repeat today. It was the wrong question in May, but it’s the right question today. Also, he was too blitzed to remember anyone holding up a cell phone, so he wasn’t lying when he denied the existence of a video of him smoking crack. Ford says that he’d like the video to be released so that everyone can see what’s on it, if only to satisfy his own curiosity — “I want to see the state I was in.” Toronto Star City Hall Reporter Daniel Dale tweets that the final question to Ford was “Are you drunk right now?” (check 2:15 — we heard “Are you on drugs right now?”… Discuss!) Read more on Oh, OK, Rob Ford Smoked All The Crack….
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Aggregation Of Aggravation

Welcome, one and all, to another edition of Derp Roundup, where we smoosh up a bunch of stuff that fell to the floor of the Wonket Sekrit Chatcave that was too stoopid to ignore altogether, but that didn’t quite rise to the level of full-length Wonkenpost. This being the traditional feast month of Cocktober, we feel compelled to lead off with this inspiring story of Trace McNutt, the winner of the “Courage Award” from Voice of the Voiceless, that brave band of “ex-gay” activists whose big Ex-Gay Pride rally in Washington drew almost a dozen proud demonstrators. Mr. McNutt is a former “Satanic Drag Queen” and drug abuser who is now hooked on Jesus and being an ex-gay activist, and Now he is a happily straight person, except for the part where he’s still attracted to men, what with falling in love with the bassist in his Christian rock band. In an interview with Christianist podcaster Janet Parshall Monday, McNutt acknowledged that he’s not quite as ex-gay as he’d like to be: “We know God heals some and others he doesn’t,” he told Parshall. “For me, the thorn remains…. Not all homosexuals get delivered of the same-sex attraction.” Of the many things that have gone badly in Mr. McNutt’s life — drug addiction, a messy family life, sex addiction, Christian Rock — we have a feeling that the “being gay” part is the least of them. Wouldn’t it be nice if he’d found a counselor who didn’t ascribe all of his problems to that? Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Aggregation Of Aggravation…
  pass the popcorn

Was Hillary Too Busy Covering Up State Department’s Crackhead Pedobears To Stop Benghazi???

We are trying to read this CNN article about IMPEACH HILLARY’S BENGHINA!!!1! and it is just not making any sense to us. Here’s what we’ve got so far: There’s an as-yet unnamed whistle-blower (non-fame-whore variety, maybe) “who is a former senior inspector general investigator.” This person has retained a lawyer. This lawyer has shown CNN documents gathered by the whistle-blower APPEARING to show that Hillary Clinton’s State Department was a pretty fuckin wild place to work. The CNN article communicates this in bullet points, kind of, but what “memo” and what “ambassador” they’re talking about can at times be unclear. Best we can figure, the following is all self-evidently true and All Hillary Clinton’s Fault: Read more on Was Hillary Too Busy Covering Up State Department’s Crackhead Pedobears To Stop Benghazi???…
  Crack back: still wack

New Trendy Thing: Local Pols Smoking Crack Like It’s 1999

It took a while, sure, but the Marion Berry copycats are suddenly coming out in droves! (They are just really really slow copycats because of their drug-induced torpor.) That is, if two counts as “droves,” and we figure fuck it, because that’s easily enough examples for a New York Times trend piece. So here’s the big ‘un that was blowing up all over Twitterspace last night, like a heapin’ helpin’ of exploding foamy pigshit: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, the man who has done the most to singlehandedly dispel the image of Canadians as “nice,” might also be the gentleman seen smoking crack on a 90-second cellphone video that’s been seen by writers from Gawker and from the Toronto Star. You know, Mr. Mayor, when people respond to stuff like you jumping up from a meeting and running outside to slap refrigerator magnets on cars by saying “is that guy on crack?” they don’t usually expect quite such a concrete answer. Read more on New Trendy Thing: Local Pols Smoking Crack Like It’s 1999…

‘Don’t Worry About That,’ Cops Tell Women Before Giving Them Roadside Handies

Why is that cop putting on rubber gloves and coming towards me, you might be wondering next time you are pulled over for littering and live in Texas and see a cop coming towards you wearing rubber gloves. Oh THAT, don’t worry about that, just close your eyes and think of England! This is what Texas cops told a woman and her niece moments before giving them full body cavity searches right by the side of the road, in full view of everyone, because they “smelled marijuana.” (They did not say to think of England, but they did say don’t worry, and also, they did not change gloves.) Read more on ‘Don’t Worry About That,’ Cops Tell Women Before Giving Them Roadside Handies…
  pay attention to meeeeeee

Walking Morality Tale Lindsay Lohan Really Milking This Whole Undecided ‘Voter’ Thing

You guys, Lindsay Lohan just does NOT know what to do about this whole “presidential race” thing, and it is seriously stressing her out! Earlier this month chronically underemployed former child star Lindsay Lohan said she was supporting Mitt Romney because “employment is really important right now,” but Politico reports that on Monday she retweeted a message from the Obama campaign: “RT if you’re #ProudOfObama as our commander in chief.” Then, securing her position as the nation’s most undecided voter, Lohan deleted the tweet and declared that no one is more stressed about this historic decision than she is. “Nice work to both @BarackObama and @mittromney…” wrote Lohan. “i’m so relieved that its over. Maybe more than both of you..severe anxiety-God Bless xo L.” Read more on Walking Morality Tale Lindsay Lohan Really Milking This Whole Undecided ‘Voter’ Thing…
  nah it is probably about his grades

Trump ‘Bombshell’ Probably That Barack Obama Is A Black Drug Dealer, Obviously

We have decided, without any evidence whatsoever (SOUND FAMILIAR?), that this story about Barack Obama being a total black drug dealer is the one Donald Trump is October Surprising tomorrow. How do we know this? WE DO NOT. But it does say “Trumped-Up Charges” right there in Radar’s headline, and that is what we in the biz like to call “a hint.” Let us learn more about your boyfriend, America’s Drug Dealer in Chief! Read more on Trump ‘Bombshell’ Probably That Barack Obama Is A Black Drug Dealer, Obviously…
  shyne on bright star

Five Shockingly Living People Who Endorsed Mitt Romney

The Washington Free Beacon lists the five most amazingly Romney-endorsing “celebrities” of the 2012 cycle, and let me tell you, guys, these people are all somehow still alive, probably. 1. Lindsay Lohan The “Mean Girls” star and all-around party girl recently announced that she was voting for Romney. “I just think employment is really important now,” Lohan said to noted news network E!. “So, as of now, Mitt Romney. As of now.” As of now, she says. When the DTs hit, she’ll gladly vote for whoever runs to the nearest liquor store, but that’s a separate issue. It is not clear why a Republican would trumpet the endorsement of Lindsay Lohan, who was pretty much in Mean Girls, then Samantha Ronson’s pants, then a pile of cocaine so large Tony Montana simply Biden-grins at it. Anyway, congrats to Mitt Romney. For now. Read more on Five Shockingly Living People Who Endorsed Mitt Romney…
  the wacky tobacky

Zany Washington Post Marijuana Story Contains Dangerous Levels Of Wordplay

Oh, Washington Post writer Emily Heil, we were going to make excuses for you, assuming you were some poor underpaid intern forced to churn out blog postlets for the Post’s “In The Loop” blog, which is different from all the other blogs the Post has, somehow, there’s probably a logic to it, but then we went to your author page and saw that you have been a journalist for ten years so we feel a need to take you to task for your latest post, about reefer marijuana users. It has so many puns and pot jokes packed into five paragraphs that it makes our head hurt — more than even smoking marijuana, which is an illegal crime, by the way. Read more on Zany Washington Post Marijuana Story Contains Dangerous Levels Of Wordplay…
  Hopped Up On Goofballs!

Parents! Your Teen May Be Using Drugs To Qualify For An Elite Party School

Another in an apparently never-ending series of special guest bloogs from DoktorZoom. Hey, Mommy-Blog readers! Just when you thought you’d gotten over that Mother’s Day story about child psychopaths, New York Times reporter Alan Schwarz brings us a new thing for parents to be worried about: drug-addled teenagers! But these are not the hop-headed angel-dusting teenagers of old ABC Afterschool Specials, getting “wasted” on “Alley Juice,” “Mary Jane,” “Special K,” “Donkey Dust,” “Meow-Meow,” “Peruvian Nose Candy,” or “Zumba.” No, the new threat to health and home is posed by high-achieving high-schoolers abusing stimulants intended for treating ADHD, not to get high, but to give them an edge in their academic pursuits: At high schools across the United States, pressure over grades and competition for college admissions are encouraging students to abuse prescription stimulants, according to interviews with students, parents and doctors. Pills that have been a staple in some college and graduate school circles are going from rare to routine in many academically competitive high schools, where teenagers say they get them from friends, buy them from student dealers or fake symptoms to their parents and doctors to get prescriptions. But in their zeal to get a head start in the academic rat race, these teens risk running afoul of drug laws, ruining their health, becoming addicted to harder drugs, and maybe even gaining admission to a highly selective university, where they may also read books and be turned against Jesus! Read more on Parents! Your Teen May Be Using Drugs To Qualify For An Elite Party School…