Tag Archives: drugs

  Whatever keeps Hannity's viewers good and racist

Texas Says Sandra Bland Was Potted Up On Weed, Because That’s What Makes You Die

Yeah, marijuana use is clearly the important part of this story.
We’re still not sure how Sandra Bland died. The dashcam video told us fuck all, although whatever happened off camera sure did sound violent! The state of Texas is saying that, based on preliminary autopsy results, she hanged herself in her jail cell, but the family doesn’t accept that narrative and wants an independent autopsy done. The state says jail workers failed to check on Bland once every hour, as per policy, and that Waller County was unable to prove that its employees had the correct training to identify and handle inmates who may be mentally ill or suicidal. Moreover, there are inconsistencies with mental health documents, allegedly filled out at the jail by Bland, with one saying she had suffered suicidal thoughts, and another saying the exact opposite. How strange! Read more on Texas Says Sandra Bland Was Potted Up On Weed, Because That’s What Makes You Die…
  leave the former presidents aloooooooooone!

Mean Sen. Joni Ernst Takes Castratin’ Knife To Former Presidents’ Allowance Moneys

Oh, they look happy NOW.
Hey there, former presidents of the US and A — that would be Clinton, Carter and those two Bush brats — thanks for serving your country and all by BEING PRESIDENT OF IT, but Sen. Joni Ernst (R-Pig Spaying), and her Republican friends Marco Rubio and Mark Kirk, want to take away all the fun moneys you get for being Former Presidents. This is very mean, and you should all, in a bipartisan way, get together to tell them exactly where they ought to get fucked with whatever pig genitals Ernst removed most recently: Read more on Mean Sen. Joni Ernst Takes Castratin’ Knife To Former Presidents’ Allowance Moneys…
  oh look it's another fuck the poors story

Maine Gov. Paul LePage Will Starve Your Kids, Because You’re Probably A Gross Junkie Anyway

Not sorry your kids are hungry.
So, we know that Maine Gov. Paul LePage is an asshole, and that he likes to do everything he can to fuck the poors. Now, he has come up with a new trick, in the form of Maine LD 1407 , which proscribes a whole new set of hoops to jump through if you want to keep getting welfare or food stamps through the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF program). Here, have some drug tests! Hope you don’t fail them, otherwise we just might take away your benefits, even if you have kids and stuff! Oh, and if you’ve been convicted of a drug crime, fuck you too: Read more on Maine Gov. Paul LePage Will Starve Your Kids, Because You’re Probably A Gross Junkie Anyway…
  gotta keep them children motivated somehow!

Florida Parents: You Keep A ‘B’ Average, We’ll Keep Giving You Weed And Cocaine. Deal?

Funny, they look ... just like Florida parents.
Parenting is the toughest! You have to keep the kids fed, but you also want them to grow up and be productive citizens, and you don’t get a handbook at the hospital on how to make that happen. So sometimes you just gotta work with what the good Lord gave ya, and for Florida couple Joey and Chadd Mudd, the good Lord gave them drugs, so many drugs. So they figured, this house ain’t gonna clean itself (because they’re probably always high), and it’s not like they’ve got time to help the kids, ages 13 and 15, with their homework (because they’re probably … you get it), so they came up with a system. Reward the little children for good grades and getting all their chores done, with weed and blow! Read more on Florida Parents: You Keep A ‘B’ Average, We’ll Keep Giving You Weed And Cocaine. Deal?…
  Live free and lose your kids

Cool, Kansas Is Ripping Kids Away From Medical Marijuana Advocates Now

Suppose you are a medical marijuana advocate, having successfully used cannabis oil to treat your own Crohn’s Disease. And suppose you lived for a time in Colorado, where medical marijuana is legal, but then, because fate apparently hates you, you were sentenced to move to the ugly state next door, Kansas, where marijuana in all its forms is illegal. And suppose you have an 11-year-old son who was forced to endure a fact-free anti-drug session at school, where he decided to point out that, hey, some of reefer madness talking points are not true. Would you think the state would take your child from you that day? Because that’s what happened to Shona Banda of Wichita: Read more on Cool, Kansas Is Ripping Kids Away From Medical Marijuana Advocates Now…
  Jamaican everybody gay!

Obama Shoots Giant Rainbow Out Of His Hand, Instantly Turns All Jamaicans Gay

Abracadabra, ur all gay now LOL.
President Obama visited Jamaica this week, the first time a president has done that in over 30 years. Upon his departure, he turned around to shoot a beautiful, giant rainbow at the island nation, right out of his hand, proving definitively that he has some special tricks up his gay wizard sleeve! This act was caught on camera by White House photographer Pete Souza, so we guess Obama is okay with his magical powers not being a secret anymore. How will Hillary Clinton top THAT, when she is president? Read more on Obama Shoots Giant Rainbow Out Of His Hand, Instantly Turns All Jamaicans Gay…
  Here's an ACTUAL candidate for rehoming

Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore’s Offspring Arrested For Being Good Christian, Also Drugs

Awwww, he's cute, doesn't look near as stupid as his Daddy.
It’s very difficult these days, managing a career devoted to mangling the lives of LGBT people you’ve never met, and also raising your own children. Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore knows this struggle well, as he seems to have a rabid dick-child who probably needs to be rehomed with nature. The child’s name is Caleb, and he is probably wasted right now, as he was when he got arrested again for being a ne’er-do-well: Read more on Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore’s Offspring Arrested For Being Good Christian, Also Drugs…
  First Doob No Harm

New Surgeon General Will Get America Higher Than A Richard Linklater Movie

Cancer patients have a lot of laughs too!
In yet another sign that the Apotcalypse is nearly upon us, the recently confirmed surgeon general of the United States, Vivek Murthy, said on national television that marijuana just might not be a demon weed that inevitably leads mild-mannered accountants to go on murderous rampages, fourth graders mainlining heroin, or college sophomores reading Ayn Rand. Read more on New Surgeon General Will Get America Higher Than A Richard Linklater Movie…
  today in hilarious rape comedy

Listen To Bill Cosby’s Taped Confession. We Mean ‘Comedy’ ‘Routine’

With the jello and the pudding and the Quaaludes mashed up in the jello and the pudding.
Our pals at the Village Voice’s Running Scared blog have done some journalism: they have actually listened to Bill Cosby’s old albums, until they found a HILARIOUS bit about how AWESOME it would be to have a drug you could put in ladies’ drinks until they wanted to fuck you! (Or passed out, puking themselves, on a couch, while you fucked them. Six of one …) Read more on Listen To Bill Cosby’s Taped Confession. We Mean ‘Comedy’ ‘Routine’…
  Second-Moynihanned Ideas

Ben Stein Is Still A F*cking Racist Idiot

Would you buy a used socioeconomic argument from this man? (Also, the Flim Flam Brothers want their costumes back)
Great rightwing thinker Ben Stein — who no doubt breathes a sigh of relief every time he remembers that Newt Gingrich got called “a dumb person’s idea of a smart person” before that title could be bestowed on Ben Stein — has a fresh new understanding of where all of America’s problems with race come from: poor blacks, who were just on the verge of all becoming wealthy before they destroyed themselves with the drugs and the crime (and probably that hippity hop music), and then liberals enslaved them with government programs. Read more on Ben Stein Is Still A F*cking Racist Idiot…
  Conduct Unbecoming To A Human Being

Alaska National Guard A Hotbed Of Rapey Recruiters Led By End-Times Porn Baron

True fact: The Anchorage Press's filename for this photo is 'assface_lawendowski.jpg'
Wonkette would like to give a hearty welcome to Lt. Col. Joseph R. Lawendowski, our daily (hourly?) “He seems nice” contestant. Lt. Col. Lawendowski is a rough tough military man and the Deputy Chief of Staff for Operations and Training of the Alaska National Guard. Please note the use of present tense there, which is rather surprising, given that military investigators submitted a confidential report (an “AR 15-6” in military terms, not to be mistaken for the similarly named semiautomatic rifle) back in March and leaked to the Anchorage Press. Read more on Alaska National Guard A Hotbed Of Rapey Recruiters Led By End-Times Porn Baron…
  Deepest Sympathies For Your Being Black

Alabama Governor Consoles Family Of Murdered 8-Year-Old Black Girl By Suggesting Their Dysfunction Killed Her (Updated)

May this face haunt Robert Benchley's dreams forever
UPDATE: A spokeswoman for Gov. Bentley has offered an explanation; see end of post. Hiawayi Robinson, of Pritchard, Alabama, a small city on the north side of Mobile, was looking forward to turning nine years old next week. On Tuesday, Hiawayi had talked to her father on the phone about what she wanted for her birthday (a laptop computer) and told him that she was going downstairs to see if her cousin was home. She never came back. Read more on Alabama Governor Consoles Family Of Murdered 8-Year-Old Black Girl By Suggesting Their Dysfunction Killed Her (Updated)…
  is that a tattoo on your gut or are you unhappy to see me?

Guy With Dumb Gun Tattoo Accessorizes With Actual Dumb Gun

So, back in March, the nice shirtless gentleman you see here, one Michael Smith, 41, of Norridgewock, Maine, made the “weird news” features when a tree-removal crew called police because they were frightened of the strange man yelling at them with a “gun” tucked into his waistband — and as you can see, the gun turned out to be a semi-realistic tattoo. Once the misunderstanding was cleared up (and the photos taken of course), there were laughs all around and no charges were filed. And so of course it only stands to reason that a couple months later, Mr. Smith would get arrested with an actual gun tucked into his waistband. He seems nice. Read more on Guy With Dumb Gun Tattoo Accessorizes With Actual Dumb Gun…
  i'm rick james bitch

Oklahoma’s Former GOP Chief Reminds Us That Cocaine Is One Hell Of A Drug

What’s up with the GOP and substance abuse these days? First there was the “cocaine Congressman” from Florida, and then the drunk-driving Taco Bell state representative, also from Florida. Apparently Oklahoma has a big SAD about not getting enough attention, so former GOP party chief Chad Alexander played the role of spoiled child and screamed LOOK AT MEEEEEEE: Chad Alexander, a prominent lobbyist and former chairman of the Oklahoma Republican Party, was arrested on drug complaints after a traffic stop in Oklahoma City in which police officers said they found cocaine and pills. Read more on Oklahoma’s Former GOP Chief Reminds Us That Cocaine Is One Hell Of A Drug…
  pretend we're dead

Sluttiness Leads To Death, Warns Your Freaky Pastor, We Mean The Las Vegas P.D.

What up, sluts? You busy popping those sweet Obamacare slut pills so you can slut so hard? Well, you may want to take a quick break from slutting to review this Very Important Public Service Announcement to Sluts from the Metro Police of Las Vegas, who sponsored what sounds like a super-fun Saturday night party called “Choose Purity”: Do not slut it up because it will probably kill you. “Choose Purity” aimed to show young girls what can happen when they don’t wait until marriage to have sex, according to Officer Regina Coward, president of the Nevada Black Police Association, who said she’d been asked by her church, Victory Outreach Church, to create a community event to go along with its abstinence message. So what does Coward say happens? Typically four things: sexual assault, gangs, drugs and prostitution. […] Sending a message of abstinence is crime prevention, Coward said. We are not even going to dive into the, shall we say, problematic issue of a police department co-sponsoring a distinctly religious event with a church. Let’s just go straight to the part where we scratch our heads and go “huh? what?” at some of the so-called consequences that Officer Regina Coward claims young unladylike ladies face if they spread their legs before someone puts a ring on it. Read more on Sluttiness Leads To Death, Warns Your Freaky Pastor, We Mean The Las Vegas P.D….
  you can't cheat in the war room!

Air Force Missile Crews Full Of Druggies, Cheaters. Like, Worse Than Bloggers, Even.

While we generally are in favor of moral degenerates here at Wonkette — we know our audience, after all — we would be much happier to think that, if we have to have nuclear missile silos at all (couldn’t we just convert them to organic hemp farms?), then the men and women staffing them should be the clean-cut super-disciplined teams of steely-eyed cold warriors that we know and love from all those movies, not a bunch of drug-addled fratboys who cheat on tests. Yeah, chuck another stereotype on the fire. Looks like we’re now getting a closer look at the “rot” that we heard about last year, when a bunch of officers got shitcanned for their missile crews’ shoddy preparedness and training. Turns out the problem was a lot wider than that one base in North Dakota, though: The Air Force has suspended security clearances for 34 officers and is re-testing the entire force overseeing America’s nuclear-armed missiles after uncovering widespread cheating on a key proficiency exam. The incident was the largest single case of cheating in America’s nuclear missile wings in memory, and is the latest embarrassment for a force that faces growing questions over discipline and morale in the post-Cold War era. Well, sure, there was some cheating and corruption — and sure, it was discovered as part of an ongoing investigation into drug possession by officers at several different Air Force bases — but as a wise general once said, “I don’t think it’s fair to condemn a whole program because of a single slip-up.” Read more on Air Force Missile Crews Full Of Druggies, Cheaters. Like, Worse Than Bloggers, Even….