drugs
New Trendy Thing: Local Pols Smoking Crack Like It’s 1999
It took a while, sure, but the Marion Berry copycats are suddenly coming out in droves! (They are just really really slow copycats because of their drug-induced torpor.) That is, if two counts as “droves,” and we figure fuck it, because that’s easily enough examples for a New York Times trend piece. So here’s the [...]
‘Don’t Worry About That,’ Cops Tell Women Before Giving Them Roadside Handies
Why is that cop putting on rubber gloves and coming towards me, you might be wondering next time you are pulled over for littering and live in Texas and see a cop coming towards you wearing rubber gloves. Oh THAT, don’t worry about that, just close your eyes and think of England! This is what [...]
Five Shockingly Living People Who Endorsed Mitt Romney
The Washington Free Beacon lists the five most amazingly Romney-endorsing “celebrities” of the 2012 cycle, and let me tell you, guys, these people are all somehow still alive, probably. 1. Lindsay Lohan The “Mean Girls” star and all-around party girl recently announced that she was voting for Romney. “I just think employment is really important [...]
Zany Washington Post Marijuana Story Contains Dangerous Levels Of Wordplay
Oh, Washington Post writer Emily Heil, we were going to make excuses for you, assuming you were some poor underpaid intern forced to churn out blog postlets for the Post’s “In The Loop” blog, which is different from all the other blogs the Post has, somehow, there’s probably a logic to it, but then we [...]
Parents! Your Teen May Be Using Drugs To Qualify For An Elite Party School
Another in an apparently never-ending series of special guest bloogs from DoktorZoom. Hey, Mommy-Blog readers! Just when you thought you’d gotten over that Mother’s Day story about child psychopaths, New York Times reporter Alan Schwarz brings us a new thing for parents to be worried about: drug-addled teenagers! But these are not the hop-headed angel-dusting [...]
Nation Safe From First-Time-Offender Drug Queen-Pin Granny For Rest Of Her Natural Life
Hey Drug War, what’s new? Lock up any first-time-offender grannies who had no idea they were participating in a drug-mule operation between Messico and Tejas? You did? Awesome. For how long? Forever? Well it is ABOUT TIME! Good job, Drug War! And also, super-good-job, jury! We will no longer be under siege from the insidious [...]
Minnesota State Troopers Got Occupy Activists High, For Research
Minnesota State Patrol had a great idea, seeing as they are bored and hate everyone, particularly Occupy protesters? The Occupy protesters are just hanging around the central location of Peavey Plaza, causing problems, wasting cardboard, not getting jobs, so in lieu of beating them with a stick, the police department decided it would work better [...]
In Arizona Even The Democrats Are Crazy
According to his colleagues there is a Democrat out there in the desert and he is fucking pissed! It isn’t his evil Democrat ways of spreading free condoms to children and defecating on Catholic churches’ doorsteps that has them spooked. It’s his anger. By now conservatives are used to dealing with the arsenal of liberal [...]
Nation’s Sexiest Supervisor in Meth-Fueled Sex-Tape Sexytime
Do you see that lady? She is Nadia Lockyer, Alameda County, California, supervisor. Do you see that man? That is her husband, California state Treasurer Bill Lockyer. We know, right? So you could maybe understand why she has been having (allegedly) meth-feuled sex-tape sexytime with some dude she met in rehab (because of course), and [...]
Pot Fanatics Ruin Obama’s Attempt to Talk About Serious Things Again
In another failed attempt to have a Serious Discussion about things that allegedly matter to the American people, like the invisibility of jobs, the mirage-like appearance of money and the light-as-air noggins of the land’s lawmakers, the White House held a contest to see which American person-submitted questions President Obama should answer in a YouTube [...]
Fish Union Unamused By Radioactive Sushi, Demands Compensation
A trade group representing Japanese fishermen (see: scummy fish union) has called TEPCO — the company that owns the nuclear power plant that is currently exploding — incompetent and “unforgivable.” Specifically, the group is less than thrilled about Tokyo Electric and the Japanese government deciding to dump 11,500 tons of radioactive water into the Pacific [...]
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