Tag Archives: drug war

  Assholes on Parade

People Are Finally Going To Jail For Iraq War Crimes. No, Really!

Four Blackwater mercenaries were sentenced Monday for the 2007 massacre of 17 unarmed Iraqi civilians in Nisour Square, with three of the thugs getting 30-year sentences and their leader getting a full life in prison, which as of today makes them the only people to have gone to jail for the clusterfuck of horror that was the Iraq War. Small victory? It might have seemed like a slam dunk case for just about anyone who has ever even heard of the word “murder,” but would you like to learn all about how the Bush administration tried their absolute hardest to fuck it all up? Let’s Wonksplore. Read more on People Are Finally Going To Jail For Iraq War Crimes. No, Really!…
  department of silver linings

Fox News Displeased: California Begins Releasing Hardened Children From Juvie

Hardened criminals to now be released from chain gangs early.
One of the few bright spots for liberals in Tuesday’s “tectonic skullfucking” of an election was the passing of progressive ballot initiatives in various states. In California, voters passed Proposition 47, which reclassifies some nonviolent property and drug crime felonies as misdemeanors and could allow as many as 10,000 convicted felons to apply for resentencing and earlier release from the state’s seriously overcrowded prisons. Also, courts are expected to file about 40,000 fewer felony charges annually. Read more on Fox News Displeased: California Begins Releasing Hardened Children From Juvie…
  way of the drug warrior

Pro-Pot Primary Challenger Harshes Texas Congressman Silvestre Reyes’s Mellow

What was it that that turned the tide for 40-year-old former El Paso councilman Beto O’Rourke, a guero dude in a supermajority Latino Texas district, in his quest to unseat eight-term incumbent and totally cool drug warrior Congressman Silvestre Reyes? Was it the Drug War? Probably. Was it also almost $200 large for TV ads from everybody’s favorite billionaire Cubs owner/embarrassed Rev. Wright chaser Joe Ricketts? That too! Read more on Pro-Pot Primary Challenger Harshes Texas Congressman Silvestre Reyes’s Mellow…
  any questions?

California Senator Dianne Feinstein Has Hot New Idea For Drug War: ‘Just Say No’

California Senator and world’s greatest Democrat Dianne Feinstein has done some creative thinking on the scourge that is Drugs, and she has some terrific ideas that are fresh and new and “outside-the-box” and other fresh and new ways of saying “outside the box”! What is her first great idea? Moar Drug War please! We must pull back the curtains on the false debate between legalizing drugs and current drug policy. […] Latin-American leaders are rightly outraged that their citizens continue to suffer because of America’s drug habits. Except that they would all like us to legalize drugs, because when’s the last time you saw Bartles kill Jaymes with a machete? (The answer, for our slower friends and Sen. Feinstein is: during Prohibition.) But what other creative thinking has Feinstein done? She would like to spend hundreds of millions of dollars again on those stupid “This Is Your Brain on Drugs” commercials that launched a million novelty tees! Because having 40 million children laugh at you while baked is total Feinsteinian SUCCESS! Read more on California Senator Dianne Feinstein Has Hot New Idea For Drug War: ‘Just Say No’…
  of course it's illegal

Science Finds Simple Source of ‘Lasting Happiness,’ So It’s Completely Illegal To Have It

Do you want “lasting happiness”? It is available to everyone! There are two doorways to this “measurable personality change” that stays with people pretty much forever. The first is arduous and requires a good deal of natural empathy and the slow, patient development of the human quality of “openness.” The second is through the harmless ingestion of a common fungus that literally grows atop cow shit pretty much anywhere, overnight. See if you can guess which method the U.S. Government describes as a “Schedule 1 drug, with a high potential for abuse, has no medically accepted use and isn’t considered safe to use under medical supervision.” Read more on Science Finds Simple Source of ‘Lasting Happiness,’ So It’s Completely Illegal To Have It…
  willie nelson is proud

Pot Legalization Initiative Winning Stupid White House Petition Website

America’s potheads are (ironically?) the only citizens motivated enough to go to the White House’s gimmicky, half-assed new “We the People” petitions website and type up their solemn demands for the President to let the harmless weed-lovers live in peace instead of in filthy state prisons, which enough other potheads and paultards then signed to make this the first petition to reach the required number of supporters the White House set as a bar for promising to give an official response. The White House pretty much launched the project noting that they would not actually pay any attention to proposals they didn’t like, and we bet they won’t like this one, so all in all it is a fairly accurate parable to explain to the children about “how government works.” Read more on Pot Legalization Initiative Winning Stupid White House Petition Website…
  reefer madness

Dumb Drug War Propagandist To Tommy Chong: ‘My Heart Goes Out To You … You’ve Got a Marijuana Addiction’

Hey, did you hear that Ron Paul — lifelong libertarian and opponent of the Drug War — has sponsored some federal legislation to end the marijuana prohibition? To CNN’s challenged cable-news hosts, this is shocking news, that a lifelong opponent of the Drug War would still be just like that. Read more on Dumb Drug War Propagandist To Tommy Chong: ‘My Heart Goes Out To You … You’ve Got a Marijuana Addiction’…
  this is your brain on libertarianism

Ron Paul Starts ‘R3VOLUTION’ With Marijuana Legalization Bill

To the delight of microwaveable snack industry executives nationwide, sex god Ron Paul and other sex god Barney Frank are introducing the nation’s first “HOW ABOUT WE FINALLY LEGALIZE THE MARY-JUANA” bill, which, eh, probably has no chance, but maybe now America can Have a Conversation about the “drug war,” which is not actually a war but a very lucrative way for privately-owned prisons to make money off states by filling jails with harmless, hungry pot consumers. The bill would mostly limit the ability of the federal government to intervene with state laws regarding pot sales, because this is Ron Paul we are talking about. Perhaps not coincidentally, we also received a confusing but adorable e-mail from adorable presidential candidate Ron Paul asking for a donation today: Read more on Ron Paul Starts ‘R3VOLUTION’ With Marijuana Legalization Bill…
  from joe biden to lindsay lohan

America’s Drug Czar Enters Drug Treatment Center

“Drug czar” Gil Kerlikowske is the saddest man in America. First he can’t wage a write-in campaign for U.S. Senate in Alaska because his name is even more difficult to spell than that of Lisa Murkowski. And now, on his watch, we’re legalizing Mary Jane! Poor guy has apparently been driven off the wagon. The pressure, oh, the horror, that 51 percent of Californians are potheads (now that tobacco is illegal there, it’s the only way the workin’ man can mask the scent of his Marlboros: by rolling them with Humboldt skunk weed so the health cops will leave him alone) and they’re about to free da weed, and Czar Kerlikowske is having a breakdown. How do we know this? Read more on America’s Drug Czar Enters Drug Treatment Center…
  dope politics

Mexican President Fears California Will Ruin His Pot Business

Wake up, West Coast dope hippies! If voters approve California’s Proposition 19, everything will be ruined for Mexico’s farmers, soldiers, and cops! Thus speaks Don Pito Calderone, the top narco-capo of the República de México who moonlights as a Napoleonic president. Here’s the shocking headline from the Guadalajara daily Informador: “Calderon: Problems for Mexico if California Legalizes Marijuana.” Read more on Mexican President Fears California Will Ruin His Pot Business…
  at least it's got subtitles

Anti-American Mexican TeeVee News Mocks Our Proud Spring Break Kids

After three grim minutes of bullet-riddled bodies hanging beneath bridges and other common scenes from Mexico’s drug war, something truly terrible occurs in this video report: Beer-guzzling backwards-cap-wearing U.S. college kids tumble out of a tour bus in a town square and drunkenly proclaim their love for the Mexican Drug War. But these aren’t normal college idiot children — these kids claim to be the children of wealthy defense-sector investors profiting from the U.S. sale of military equipment to the Mexican government. Read more on Anti-American Mexican TeeVee News Mocks Our Proud Spring Break Kids…
  make her vp already

Hillary Celebrates Mexican Bicentennial By Declaring War

Everything is going hunky-dory down here, South of the Border, as we stock up on ISLAMO-TEQUILA for the 200th anniversary of Mexico’s “independence” from foreign rule. But Hillary Clinton is bored being Secretary of State when every PUMA knows SHE SHOULD BE PRESIDENT! And while Obama is stuck in midterm madness, Clinton noticed there’s a Drug War and has declared a COUP DE POT. Is Mexico now “looking more and more like Colombia looked 20 years ago, where the narco-traffickers control certain parts of the country”? And if so, will she be invading Mexico in time for the September 16 bicentennial? Read more on Hillary Celebrates Mexican Bicentennial By Declaring War…
  stoners

Barney Frank and Ron Paul Will Get Us High

Famous liberal Barney Frank has aligned with famous Internet character Ron Paul and three other congresspeople to make the Marijuana legal, finally, in America! The bill is called the “Act to Remove Federal Penalties for Personal Use of Marijuana by Responsible Adults,” which sounds very responsible, and would make it federally legal to possess up to 100 grams of weed, for smoking or cooking or however you like to get high. But wingnut states can continue to have crazy laws against the Mexican Loco Weed, because of Ron Paul’s state rights! Read more on Barney Frank and Ron Paul Will Get Us High…