Wonkette

The only worthwhile event in Washington all summer is finally happening this weekend: The R[EVOL]UTION MARCH, in support of failed presidential candidate Dr. Ron Paul, in which he will be joining the most Paultarded of Paultards in a march along Constitution Ave. — that, my friends, is not an accident — to the Capitol, which they will firebomb with flaming crossbows. We will proudly be attending this Saturday. Details! MORE »

Newlywed first daughter “Jenna Bush Hager” of course has been dragged to Baltimore to live with her elitist husband, Henry. What kind of fun does Baltimore offer for the upper crust of society? A bar, a bar, a bar, thank god, a bar: “South Baltimore newbie Jenna Bush seems to have settled on a watering hole she likes: Regi’s American Bistro in Federal Hill. I hear she’s been in several times, including Wednesday, when she was spotted with six girlfriends. All looked very ‘Texas,’ says my spy. ‘Hair all polished up and little fancy outfits.’ A guy who answered the phone at the pub confirmed that Dubya’s daughter had been in before. Pressed for details, he would only say this much: ‘She was there. I just saw her.’” The food looks really good at Jenna’s bar! Too bad she’ll never try any of it. [Baltimore Sun via Inside Charm City]

Here’s nutty Clinton campaign chairman Terry McAuliffe making good on his promise to do shots with Morning Joe co-host Mika Brzezinski, today, at like 7 a.m. They are downing “Puerto Rican rum,” as Terry gladly points out — it’s a very exclusive brand known as “regular Bacardi.” Then they talk about politics for a while, and Mika touches him at the end, and now we know that they are having an affair, forever. [MSNBC]

Hillary Clinton is the drunkest lady ever to run for president, because she is unhappy. But Barack Obama is also a lush and a cocaine user too! A couple weeks ago, Barry went to a bar and ordered a BEER — Pennsylvania’s Yuengling lager, specifically, which is utterly drinkable and cheap as the Dickens! This was during Barry’s working class bus tour, where he asked such funny working class questions as, “Is it expensive, though? … Wanna make sure it’s not some designer beer or something.” Designer beer, he says! This Commie is a real stitch. [YouTube]

Now you probably heard about this over the weekend, Hillary drinking the alcohol, because it is obviously the story of the campaign. The one that will determine the presidency. For a little more background: Hillary was being very working class this weekend by drinking alcohol and then shooting guns, in that order. This is what the poor blue-collars do, when not eating Mexicans or, conversely, shooting Mexicans. Take these factors, add some Jesus speak, take the square root and divide it by the average U.S. gas price ($3.37), don’t forget to carry the zero, and it equals OBAMA’S ELITISM. More picture of Hillary getting shitfaced in bitter sugary Indiana below. MORE »

Praise Jesus the Minnesota House Commerce and Labor Committee has approved a very important measure! It allows bars in the Twin Cities metropolitan area to stay open till 4 AM during the Republican National Convention. This will allow local governments to reap greater benefits from out-of-towners’ hot economic injections, while Republicans will have extra time to get liquored up before retiring to their rooms for gentle frottage with underage campaign volunteers. [TwinCities.com] MORE »

Louisiana state senators have been hard at work recently drafting legislation to honor the Sazerac — a drink containing “whiskey, sugar, bitters and absinthe, or a substitute anise-flavored liquor” — as the official state cocktail. New Orleans is in such great shape, see, that they can spend their time writing all sorts of fun legislation celebrating drinks! MORE »

We write to you from the bar upstairs at the Stephen F. Austin hotel, which is HOPPING. Very serious young people in navy blazers gather in one corner watching a wide-screen TV with local returns. OK, the blazers only number 1 or 2, and the wearers look young in the sense of “under 40, maybe”, but we are going for ATMOSPHERE here. We are nursing a $9 Maker’s and ginger ale and listening to people discuss the race in the 10th Congressional District, in which a savvy handsome young International Expert named Dan Grant locked horns with a silly old teevee judge from Houston. MORE »

Tipster “Patrick” informs us that the foreign press is spreading nutty rumors about a drunken President Bush making an ass out of himself in front of Israeli leaders. As if! The translation after the jump. MORE »

Can you read that caption, or are your eyes swollen shut from playing our beloved SOTU Drinking Game? It’s apparently one of the main hobbies of Americans now. We are proud to be part of this grand institution started in 1776 by Tom Paine, the first alcoholic blogger. Anyway, that’s a guy stocking up his personal bar for the State of the Union address. [AFP/Yahoo]