Tag Archives: drinking

  Crimes and Misdemeanors

Ted Cruz’s Underage Drinking Is The Only Thing We Like About Him

He was holding it for a friend.
Yesterday, Buzzfeed reported that prominent Canadian gag gift Sen. Ted Cruz pled guilty to possession of alcohol as a minor in 1987. He was but a little Cruzlet in high school shortpants when he got pulled over (racially profiled?) with a fresh case of beer in his car, whoops! Put that shit in the trunk, son! Did a young Rafael Edward Cruz waive his Fourth Amendment rights? Impeach. Read more on Ted Cruz’s Underage Drinking Is The Only Thing We Like About Him…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Mocks Sean Hannity’s ‘Shocking’ Expose of Spring Break Debauchery (Video)

Here’s Jon Stewart with the only reasonable response to the full week of coverage that Fox News’s Sean Hannity gave to the alleged horrors of Spring Break: “You will believe what they found, because you know” — drinking, sex, drinking, and sex. Still, you have to admit it takes some guts for Hannity to pretend that he has actually uncovered a shocking surprise, a mere decade after The Real Cancun made a few bucks for MTV. “Women take their tops off! … Drinking, drugs, risky behavior, sometimes with tragic results.” By golly, if one were of a cynical cast of mind, they might almost conclude that, as Stewart says, the entire 5-day exposé was “less of a news story and more of a reason to spend a week running wildly inappropriate T&A footage alongside pundits tssking said footage.” Read more on Jon Stewart Mocks Sean Hannity’s ‘Shocking’ Expose of Spring Break Debauchery (Video)…
  in russia weekend loses you

Air Force General Was Fired For Being A Drunken Boor, Not Because Obama Was Trying To Nuke South Carolina

It does the heart good, it does — knowing that even in this media-saturated, “professionalized” age, there are still manly men who are willing to say “Screw protocol, I’m going on a bender.” Men like USAF Major General Michael Carey, the former commander of all the Air Force’s land-based nuclear missiles, who was so dedicated to being a drunken party animal that he was stripped of that command — but not forced out of the service — back in October. Carey’s removal from that command is often cited by wingnuts as evidence that President Obama is “purging” the military for some nefarious purpose — probably because he stumbled across Obama’s plan to nuke South Carolina — or maybe because he’s getting rid of officers unwilling to fire on American civilians. But sure, “Washington Post,” let’s go with your far more improbable scenario, which is that Carey was canned because he repeatedly drank too much and behaved like a boor last summer during an official trip to Moscow, where he insulted his Russian hosts and hung out with two suspicious women he met at a hotel bar WaPo’s story is based on an Air Force investigative report released Thursday; there’s nothing to excite the tinfoil hat crowd, since Gen. Carey was more into the lampshade-hat scene. Read more on Air Force General Was Fired For Being A Drunken Boor, Not Because Obama Was Trying To Nuke South Carolina…
  our long national nightmare was finally over

Celebrate The 80th Anniversary Of The Repeal Of Prohibition In Style With Your Happy and Wonkette Writers

Today is a great day in American history, a day that ranks up there with July 4th and whatever day the Constitutional Convention was held and Christmas and that day you take off in the middle of August when there hasn’t been a holiday in SO LONG. Yes, we’re talking about the day Prohibition ended. Celebrate! Good Times! America, fuck yeah! Read more on Celebrate The 80th Anniversary Of The Repeal Of Prohibition In Style With Your Happy and Wonkette Writers…
  wonket confidential

Ann Coulter Writes Book, Risks Liberal Contamination by Visiting Washington DC

Tucker, I said no karate chops in the office
Ann Coulter wrote a book. It’s her tenth! Congratulations, Ann! We don’t know much about the etiquette of these things, but evidently the tenth is the “fluorescent” anniversary in publishing, since her friends at the Daily Caller invited everyone over to their place this week to celebrate. Read more on Ann Coulter Writes Book, Risks Liberal Contamination by Visiting Washington DC…
  what really matters

This Friendly Republican Will Help Us All Get Drunk At The Democratic Convention

What is the best part of being in town at national political conventions? Seeing the speeches in person? Meeting an array of interesting activists? No, those are the worst parts — the best part is getting wasted and flopping around and pissing in the middle of the street while political activity is occurring in nearby arenas. But because North Carolina’s state-owned liquor stores are closed on Sundays and the Labor Day Monday preceding the Democratic National Convention, it’s going to be hard to procure the tools of intoxication necessary to survive several days of pathetic grandstanding and megabank marketing. Help, help, sympathetic Republican boozebag! Read more on This Friendly Republican Will Help Us All Get Drunk At The Democratic Convention…
  legendary political scuffles

Meanwhile, In Congress, A Veritable Donnybrook Erupts Over Libations

Oops, it’s Friday, better check in on our beloved 112th Congress to see if they did anything (please god, spare us) or even showed up this week. Good heavens… fisticuffs? “One congressman accused another of drinking on the job in the midst of a tense exchange Wednesday night over whether the House would debate an amendment aimed at bringing the war in Afghanistan to a close.” Yes, so, again, as that masterfully constructed Politico lede (WIN!) said: The issue was an amendment to end the war in Afghanistan. Within moments, a congressman accused another congressman of drinking a legal beverage. The war in Afghanistan continued. Steny Hoyer demanded an apology on the one congressman’s behalf. After that, the war in Afghanistan continued happening. And now it’s the weekend, woo-hoo! Read more on Meanwhile, In Congress, A Veritable Donnybrook Erupts Over Libations…
  DRINK!

Liveblogging the Sorry State of the Union! Which Is Still Around!

Yo yo yo! We are not hosting a children’s Game of Thrones-themed birthday party with Obama as the entertainment/clown, as this picture might indicate. But we ARE conveying to you the state of the State of the Union of 2012! Which — here that thing is. The boring old Oval Office has already LEAKED INFORMATIONS about what this particular SOTU will contain, but Obama’s ability to be spontaneous, irate, drunk and giggly in public leads us to believe this thing will be worth watching. When’s the soonest that we will have money and jobs again? What is money, anyway? What is a president? And so on. Please stay for the breakdown of the breakdown, and play our SOTU 2012 game of drinks while you’re at it. Let the standing and clapping and announcements of free cash payouts to every American except Romney and a few others begin! Read more on Liveblogging the Sorry State of the Union! Which Is Still Around!…
  why so angry troll?

Hmm: Andrew Breitbart Gets Really Defensive About His Alcohol Use

Score one for random chance: for the first time in the long history of C-SPAN, something interesting actually happened on air! Democracy’s best friend Andrew Breitbart (he’s also best friends with truth and journalistic ethics; pick one, Andy!) was on to talk about his book when he was asked to describe his “current relationship with alcohol.” We all enjoy alcohol from time to time, don’t we? That’s a simple question. But it’s not for Breitbart, who quickly got very defensive. “Why do you ask?!” Breitbart demanded. This is so odd. Why ever would that question hit close to home for Breitbart? Read more on Hmm: Andrew Breitbart Gets Really Defensive About His Alcohol Use…
  opposite of 9/11 day

Photos: America Pounds Beers In Celebration At Ground Zero

Last night, Americans heard the news about Osama bin Laden and flocked to the site where the World Trade Center once stood. And they arrived on this hallowed ground, they held up signs, tried to get themselves on teevee, and yelled celebratory chants, including “SEND THEM HOME.” But most of all, these people got drunk. And some of them also smoked marijuana. And then Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell opponent Lt. Dan Choi showed up for some reason. Uh, okay! We were there and took some photos of the celebration. Read more on Photos: America Pounds Beers In Celebration At Ground Zero…
  district of cord

Christmastime Means a District of Drunken Cretins

One thing I noticed the other night, while watching a girl stumble out of Tom Tom and fall headfirst into a cop car, is that people in DC sure do love to get drunk! Not that residents of other cities don’t also like to imbibe, of course, but I’ve never seen anyone in New York get to a happy hour so lickety-split as people in Dupont Circle, who straight up SWARM the Mad Hatter come 5 p.m. — and that place is nothing but a godforsaken morass of analysts trying to do missionary with still more analysts. Now that it’s the Holiday Season, when even responsible people turn to heavy drinking, it’s time for our Yuletide DC Drunken Ground Rules. Read more on Christmastime Means a District of Drunken Cretins…
  miss him yet?

Bush Reveals How To Become President: Just Quit Boozin’

The revelations from George W. Bush’s blockbuster graphic novel, Stuff I Did, continue to slam America when it is most vulnerable and butt-hurt. For example, the longest serving president of the 21st Century (really, so far!) says he would’ve never been our beloved national leader had he kept his fun drinking habit. Imagine that! Just try to remember the first decade of this century without George W. Bush steady at the helm. Read more on Bush Reveals How To Become President: Just Quit Boozin’…
 

A Semi-Comprehensive Guide To PBR

What better drink to enjoy when you and yours snuggle on the couch to watch some good old-fashioned queeran burning this Saturday? PBR, of course! A beer that reminds us that good things can come from Real America. Whether you think it tastes like pee or you actually enjoy it, here’s (almost) everywhere you can go in DC to guzzle this semi-precious liquid: Read more on A Semi-Comprehensive Guide To PBR…
  the final days (of summer)

The Final Countdown: Enjoy the Heat Before Snowmageddon Returns

It’s time to assess whether you’ve been doing enough drinking on outdoor patios this summer. Well, HAVE YOU? The three-day-drunk-fest that marks the end of summer is but one month away. Whether your fun comes courtesy of slave reparations or not, you can have just as lavish a last month of summer as Sasha Obama, right here in the fine District of Columbia. Read more on The Final Countdown: Enjoy the Heat Before Snowmageddon Returns…
  drink like a child in summertime

Relive Your Childhood With Your Best Friend, Booze

Washingtonians are borderline alcoholics. We welcome this fun fact with open arms because drinking is fun, helps DC’s economy, and makes everyone look so pretty. But here we have something new: Did you know that Washingtonians secretly wish they drank more as children? That every time they successfully hula-hooped or passed 100 on skip-it they were rewarded with a shot of vodka? Why else then would DC restaurants insist upon adding alcohol to the most benign of childhood treats? Read more on Relive Your Childhood With Your Best Friend, Booze…
  the irish christmas

St. Patrick’s Day: Hurry Up and Drink

America’s celebration of the Irish traditions of wearing green and pinching and binge drinking and lots of green vomit is almost here! Hooray! St. Patrick was a man who wanted everyone to become Christian (no, he was not the patron saint of kegs and eggs), and you can honor his successful proselyting efforts on this most holy of days by guzzling stouts and eating bangers and mash at one of these lovely institutions. Read more on St. Patrick’s Day: Hurry Up and Drink…
  the first-anniversary shitshow

Celebrate President Obama’s Legendary First Year With This Handy State Of The Union Drinking Game!

Wee hew, it has been nearly one whole year since newly minted President Barack Obama gave a Not-State-of-the-Union speech, in which he discussed how “resolve” and “green energy” were going to save our economy. Remember this speech, when everybody still sort of had hope, and thought maybe they could get a “job” with the Obama Administration, just like 350,000 of their closest friends? Those days are gone, now that health care is dead and the economy is dead and Ted Kennedy is also dead, and our sullen failure of a leader has to haul his carcass before a collection of angry jackals (Congress) to explain how it only took 12 months to ruin the country when it took George W. Bush eight whole years. Read more on Celebrate President Obama’s Legendary First Year With This Handy State Of The Union Drinking Game!…
  traveling food purveyors

The Newest Addition To Drunken Late Night DC Eating

Many DC denizens, if given enough seed money to start a business, would rather invest it in something “fun,” like cocaine. Others, like the Fojol Brothers of Merlindia, opt to buy a food truck, travel around DC and feed drunk people delicious (and healthy!) Indian food. Read more on The Newest Addition To Drunken Late Night DC Eating…
  alcohol is not a drug in the bad sense of 'drug'

Welfare Recipients Should Say No To Drugs, Yes To Cheap American Beer

So this news channel embedded deep in Bitters country — West Virginia, Ohio, and Kentucky — runs the occasional poll asking such probing questions as “Do you plan to buy mulch from the city of Charleston?” Here is a new favorite. [WSAZ Polls] Read more on Welfare Recipients Should Say No To Drugs, Yes To Cheap American Beer…
  yes we can

Historical First-Ever President Barack Obama Congressional Address Drinking Game!

It’s been a long hard road, people. We’ve had some hard times, havin’ some hard times still. But fellow Americans, one thing is true, so undeniably true: George W. Motherfucking Bush Junior is gone. Yes he is! Feels good. Feels good knowing that ignorant motherfucker is back in Dallas, let Texas have him back, right? Back with his own goddammned people, the old America, the old dumb America. Let’s drink to Change tonight, and Hope, and to a variety of other words and phrases we expect to hear as President Barack Obama makes his first address to a joint session of Congress. It’s the first-ever historical President Barack Obama drinking game! Read more on Historical First-Ever President Barack Obama Congressional Address Drinking Game!…
  money orgies

Actual Stimulus Party Report!

Well, third time’s a charm! Finally, one of you people out of the several hundred MILLION worldwide who claim to be Obama supporters held an actual “talk about our nation’s ruined economy” party, complete with a creepy guest appearance by Tim Kaine’s eyebrow. Read more on Actual Stimulus Party Report!…