Everybody thought Rahm Emanuel was going to be such a hard-ass mobster for Barack Obama, but the actual strategy seems to involve Rahm personally saving people all over Washington every day, until everybody in town literally owes their life to Rahm. The superhero chief of staff saved a congressman yesterday, and not just any congressman, either — Emanuel saved the Republican now representing Tom DeLay’s old district! MORE »

Beloved pretend congresslady Shelley “Dracula Cunt” Sekula Gibbs lost her hundredth straight election the other day — losing a GOP primary runoff to some nobody — and now her dreams and even this sign are in the garbage, forever, along with an empty bottle of $2.99 “Barefoot Chardonnay” and some type of (Nazi?) lager bottle and enough coat hangers for a hundred Texas abortions. Farewell, sweet rodeo princess of our heart! Photo courtesy of Wonkette Operative “John.”

After a valiant and hard-fought campaign, former pretend Congresswoman and full-time nutbag Shelley Sekula Gibbs lost to some joker named Pete Olson last night in a primary runoff for Texas’ 22nd Congressional district. Thus marks the close of another chapter in the fascinating political saga of a woman so beloved by her would-be consituents that one voter called her “DraculaCunt.” MORE »

What is the best possible news to start your late Friday morning with? How’s this: DraculaCunt’s back! Shelley Sekula-Gibbs, Congresswoman for seven of the best weeks of our lives, revolutionized social security and revamped the entire tax code during her brief congressional tenure, filling in for Tim DeLay before actually-elected replacement Nick Lampson got to town. She also pissed off DeLay’s staff so much that they all quit en masse. Ever since she left DC she’s been promising to return, and a Wonkette operative reveals that the DraculaCunt ‘08 campaign is already underway: MORE »

Shelley Sekula-Gibbs was maybe, just maybe, the greatest member of the 109th Congress. Elected to serve the remainder of Tom DeLay’s term, she spent her couple weeks in Washington alienating all of Tom’s staff, promising to reform the entire tax code, speaking on the floor of the House countless times to an empty chamber, and opening an investigation into her staff after they all quit. Perhaps most movingly, we remember the love she had for her district, and the love they showed her back; one of the votes that helped Shelley to her all-too-brief victory, remember was a write-in for “DraculaCunt,” which remains the greatest name in politics since Buddy Cianci’s daughter Nancy Ann. MORE »

Shelley “Dracula Cunt” Sekula Gibbs may have lost the previously safe Republican seat in Tom DeLay’s Texas congressional district, but that doesn’t mean she wasn’t a fabulous pretend congresswoman for those last few days of the 109th before the actual elected congressman took over this month.

How do we know? Because the loon sent out a press release proudly noting her “perfect attendance record.” Oh, and she took part in 25 roll-call votes. We look forward to the 2012 opening of the Dracula Cunt House Offices Building.

Read the whole bizarre document, after the jump.

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The weirdest terrorists ever are engaged in multi-front and possibly multi-pronged attacks against Americans today, and nobody can stop the awful wave of horror. The monsters seem to be focusing on Texas and Florida, leading many to suspect Tom DeLay and Katherine Harris. But the simultaneous stink attack on New York City has baffled anti-terror agents, while “weather related” events are hitting states all over the place.

Join us for a dozen simultaneous nightmares, after the jump.

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* Heard on the Hill: William Jefferson already violating House ethics rules, uses official letterhead, House internal mail service to hit up other members for donations… Rep. Stephanie Herseth (D-S.D.) to marry some dude on March 31… TV journos upset that Nancy Pelosi won’t let them broadcast from Statuary Hall today. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Pelosi’s “Celebration Concert” tonight at the National Building is off-limits to the press. Attending: Tony Bennett, Carole King, Wyclef Jean, Bruce Hornsby, three former Grateful Dead members, Richard Gere and Amy Brenneman… Fed Chair Ben Bernanke spotted buying funnyman Dave Barry’s Money Secrets. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Busty blondes love horses: Barbi Twins join Bo Derek in lobbying against horse slaughter. ‘It’s like eating the flag,” says Sia. Quote of the year… Freshman Rep. Zack Space, who replaced Bob Ney, almost hired a cabbie named Ney… Despite being done in Congress forever, Rep. Shelley DraculaCunt Gibbs represented Texas’ 22nd at Ford’s Lying in State party… Nancy Pelosi held a tea party yesterday, Wonder Woman was there for some reason. [Examiner]
* Under the Dome: Robert Byrd is addicted to Red Bull. Vodka too, we assume… “Sen. Gordon Smith (R-Ore.) is the proud possessor of an original copy of Ford’s pardon of outgoing President Richard Nixon.” [Hill News]
* Rush & Molloy: Former DNC head Terry McAuliffe had great luck raising money from godless Hollywood types, Mike Bloomberg. [NYDN]

Now that the 109th Congress is finally over (having ended with a big, stabby bang) we are forced to confront the sad fact that we’ll never again see Make-Believe Congresswoman Shelley Sekula-Gibbs on C-Span, where she has made a little home for herself over this last month, babbling at odd hours to an empty chamber on topics ranging from abortions to the first lady of Azerbaijan. MORE »

Last Thursday, we went to the National Portrait Gallery for the very first time. Not out of any deep underlying love of art or interest in American history, but for free booze and questionable celebrities. Yes, it’s a Capital File party! Specifically, the Cap File First Anniversary Party, starring, for some reason, Iman!

We brought along our girl Friday, Liz Gorman, whose fantastic (as always) pictures are all available in this fancy new gallery thing right here.

After the jump, our half-remembered party report.

Capital File Party Gallery

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It’s time, at least, to say goodbye to the Chokingest, Gay-Sexingist Congress Ever — the 109th, whose tenure has surely marked a low point in American public life and a high point for jackasses who write funny websites. According to Roll Call, leaders say they wish to have the work of the people finished by this Friday, when the outgoing crooks and deviants will, in their final offense, confirm Iran-Contra crook and obsequious liar Robert Gates to Secretary of Continuing to Lose in Iraq. MORE »