Everybody thought Rahm Emanuel was going to be such a hard-ass mobster for Barack Obama, but the actual strategy seems to involve Rahm personally saving people all over Washington every day, until everybody in town literally owes their life to Rahm. The superhero chief of staff saved a congressman yesterday, and not just any congressman, either — Emanuel saved the Republican now representing Tom DeLay’s old district! MORE »

Do not despair, jobless people! You’re not alone. Several members of Congress who lost their positions in the 2008 elections have yet to find gainful employment, and perennial loser Alberto Gonzales also remains at loose ends because George Bush was the only person left in America who would hire him. MORE »

Beloved pretend congresslady Shelley “Dracula Cunt” Sekula Gibbs lost her hundredth straight election the other day — losing a GOP primary runoff to some nobody — and now her dreams and even this sign are in the garbage, forever, along with an empty bottle of $2.99 “Barefoot Chardonnay” and some type of (Nazi?) lager bottle and enough coat hangers for a hundred Texas abortions. Farewell, sweet rodeo princess of our heart! Photo courtesy of Wonkette Operative “John.”

Former fake Texas Congresswoman Shelley “Dracula Cunt” Sekula Gibbs won an election, once: it was a “special” election to determine who would warm Tom DeLay’s old seat when he resigned in shame. For seven glorious weeks she served our nation, and then there was a normal election, and she lost horribly to a Democrat named “Slick Nick” Lampson. She vowed never to give up on America, and today America can show it has not given up on her by voting for her crazy ass in the 22nd Congressional District primary. MORE »

As the living sometimes visit the graves of the dead, we stopped by six-week congresswoman Shelley “Dracula Cunt” Sekula Gibbs’ website and discovered the amazing truth. She’s still in Congress, having kept Tom DeLay’s old House district in Republican hands after all!

Dear Friends,
Thank you for helping KEEP 22 REPUBLICAN!

Back on Earth, this is what actually happened: Dracula Cunt ran in the special election to fill DeLay’s seat for the last six weeks of the 109th Congress, but her name couldn’t be on the General Election ballot because DeLay had won the GOP primary before he quit. Democrat Nick Lampson — who handily won the general and was sworn in last month — didn’t file to appear on the Special ballot, even though polls showed he was going to beat her by 8 points. Oh, and the General & Special elections were held at the same time. The RNC spent nothing on her campaign, she was caught hassling voters at a polling place, and then she arrived in Washington where DeLay’s old staff walked out en masse, cuz she’s psychotic. Come back soon, Shelley!