dow jones
There should be a Network-esque black comedy about this very moment on CNBC, immediately. The three-keys-wide fat finger of one monster at Citigroup sells off billions of shares of Procter & Gamble — part of the Dow index — just as Erin Burnett is deciding to talk about it, and then Jim Cramer says basically [...]
GLOBAL FINANCIAL SYSTEM OPERATING SMOOTHLY: Remember how the Dow dropped 700 points in fifteen minutes between 2 and 3 p.m. today, and then got back 500 of those points a few minutes later? Some dingbat computer went nuts or whatever: “NEW YORK (Reuters) – A trading error at a major firm was to blame for [...]
The Dow Jones plunged 8.8% at some point this afternoon, and was then down about 7%, and now it’s “only” down about 3.2% — that’s for the day, and not including the losses earlier this week — and it’s all because of Greece and the live video on the teevee of the Greek Darth Vader [...]
LOOK AMERICA, WE GAVE CITIBANK A PROFIT! It’s sexytime on Wall Street today, and around the world! That’s right, a Global Stock Rally. Citigroup jumped a whole 30 percent and is now worth 1.3 shits. You know why? Because they announced that they’re having the best profit outlook for any quarter in years! HMM… we [...]
The Dow Jones fell 679 points today, since it’s been a full six days since Paulson last introduced a new multi-hundred billion dollar loan or loan guarantee program, and everyone on Wall Street is a child: “The day’s news reminded investors, who last week were buying on a burst of optimism, that the economy is [...]
GEORGE W. BUSH SAVES STOCK MARKET: The Dow only dropped 128 points today, which is the New Great Depression equivalent of rising 250 trillion points. Credit is still completely inaccessible, permanently, but what the hell do you people want anyway. [AP]
Dudes, our noses are bleeding and the sky is on fire because GOOD LORD, refreshing the Dow every four seconds as it’s free-falling is like SMOKING CRACK. This is astonishing. Whoa! There go another 30 points! HA HA HA HA HA WHEEE. [Yahoo! Finance]
OH HEY THE DOW‘S ABOUT TO DROP DROPPED BELOW 9,000: 8,916, 8,874 8,790 at the moment. Just turn on CNBC or Bloomberg TV, this is remarkable. A year ago today, it hit the all-time record of 14,165. So the value of the 30 biggest companies has plummeted by 37% 38.8% over these past 12 long [...]
Well here is your updated Dow Jones thing, about which every “person on the Internet” today has been freaking. It went down like 350 points after a far greater initial plunge. This has baffled many, many people today, that this stock index fell triple-digits on a day when every remaining bank on Earth basically failed.
AND EVERYONE’S HAPPY: “President George W. Bush signed the biggest government intervention in the financial markets since the Great Depression after U.S. House of Representatives lawmakers wary of growing signs of the nation’s economic distress voted Friday in favor of a $700 billion Wall Street rescue package. Mr. Bush welcomed the passage of a rescue [...]
Whoa what is going on here, the wacky bailout bill has somehow passed in the House of Representatives by two million votes, 263-171. Take that, uh, China!…?? Many House Republicans switched from “no” to “yes” because they thought they were voting on a measure legalizing gay sex with pages. Now the bill will be driven [...]
NUMBERS ARE FOR LOSERS: Oh well this is nice: after the Dow plummeted 600 points early this afternoon, it recovered most of those losses. And by that we mean CONTINUED TO PLUMMET HORRIBLY GAHHH. It’s down 770 777 points, which sounds eerily like a “record.” The S&P and Nasdaq are faring even worse, percentage-wise. Here’s [...]
In today’s edition of Wonkette Economic Newz(TM), the economy grew by 1% in Q1 2008!!!! The original estimate was still an awesome 0.9%, which was awesomer than Q4 2007′s 0.6%, which was awesome too because HOW CAN A PERFECT ECONOMY EVEN GROW AT ALL? Also, the Dow is down like 300 points and Oil is [...]
