Wonkette

Jonah Goldberg penned a steaming heap of trash for today’s LA Times, blasting Moroccan strongman Barack Obama for not properly managing America’s foreign relations with Russia and Georgia during these current (oh wait, aborted!) beginnings of World War III. (Not the war with Mexico, different one.) MORE »

So the whole time this Edwards Love Child scandal has been breaking and breaking, everybody has been asking the same question: where are the photos of John Edwards cowering in a Beverly Hills hotel bathroom and acting seedy all over the place? Well, the National Enquirer has finally delivered the goods, in the form of SPY PHOTOS revealing an Edwards-type figure hoisting aloft a remarkably human-looking child. MORE »

YOUR LATE NIGHT SHOTS PARTY WEEKEND SCHED, BRO: Pro-laxin’, bro. “LNS will once again be taking its chartered bus out to Bayhawks Stadium for this Saturday’s pro lacrosse matchup. The day starts at Rugby at 4, the luxury party bus leaves 5:45, faceoff is at 7, and all LNS ticket holders get free beer for the entire game. The nightcap post party will be held at Smith Point in Georgetown. We have spots for about 18 more washed-up ex-lacrosse players (male or female) who enjoy drinking cans of Bud Light while listening to Christopher Cross, Go West, Billy Idol and AC/DC.” But what about the hipster chicks and their “lithe vegan bodies,” dood? Who cares about those sluts, bro. Get your lax tix here, dood. [LNS Weekly]

New-age “Cool Britannia” third-way bullshitter Tony Blair didn’t get his dream job (Pope of the UN/EU) so he’s taken the next best thing: a lecturing gig at Yale! Tony has always loved the Ivy League types, and it didn’t really matter whether Bill Clinton or George W. Bush were in the White House — they went to Yale, so he loved them like brothers. MORE »

Are you lonely on Valentine’s Day? The closed social-networking All Stars at Late Night Shots are planning an “Anonymous Love Party” at Smith Point, and you can dedicate power ballads, to no one. [LNS]

DC’s closed, invitation-only social networking site for rich prostitutes and Southern trust-fund children with gonorrhea, Late Night Shots, has inspired a Hills-type reality show. Are you a famous LNSer? Do you stare at pictures of Georgetown kids peeing on each other all night long? You can apply to be the next Lauren Conrad, right here! [via DCist]

Thanks to commenter jann9884 for digging up what was easily last night’s biggest debate submission: That of one Ben “Beef Jerky and Toiletries” Johnson, the chairman of the Iowa Federation of College Republicans. Johnson voices his concern to the candidates with that same smarmy charm that earned him Wonkette’s douchebag of the week title not long ago. Specifically, he queries, Why are you giving my drivers license to teh Messicans when I can’t even buy a good Cuban cigar? We’ll have to think about that one, Benji, but we’ll be sure to report back to you — because we’re never ignoring you again. [YouTube]

WARNING:Wonkette takes no responsibility for personal injuries the viewer inflicts upon him or her self after watching this video. Readers are recommended to keep all guns, knives, razors, nooses and other methods of suicide at a distance; when the chairman of the Iowa Federation of College Republican, Benjamin Johnson, speaks his first line — “I don’t know why every student isn’t as politically active as I am” — self-torture is unavoidably the first recourse. Wonkette, for example, had a fork next to itself while watching this video, and now that fork is in Wonkette’s eye.

UIowa College Republican Answers the Conservative Calling [YouTube via BlogActive/HuffPo]

While not quite as disastrous as Bill Kristol’s suicide bomb of a WaPo Outlook feature, Fox News’ John “War on Christmas” Gibson has these words for us this morning: “I know you don’t want to hear about Iraq, but I’m going to tell you anyway.” Damn him! Must keep reading… despite… hatred… MORE »

While Republicans in Congress are groping around for new arguments to deny poor kids health coverage, brilliant young conservative minds are posting their ideas on YouTube. This video — which Michelle Malkin picked up yesterday — suggests that if we want an expanded SCHIP, all Americans will have to start smoking to pay for it. Fair enough.

SCHIP: Care Enough to Smoke? [YouTube]