Tag Archives: douchebags

  Brosé before José

Douchebag Hipsters Named Trevor Would Like A Glass Of Your Finest Rosé Please

Yup.
First off, apologies to all the Trevors, but we had to pick a name, so we went with Trevor. Or Chase. It could easily be Chase. Would Hunter like to join us? Sup bro? What shall we do this evening, with our hipster, trend piece, easily marketed to, Instagram-American selves? Well, why don’t we drink a really disgusting wine, which marketing executives and professional trendsetters have been trying to rebrand as something OTHER than “it is TOO different from white zinfandel, because it is French, which makes it CLASSY, even though it kind of tastes like mouth herpes”? Anyway, meet some bros who are into rosé, and who call it “brosé,” because putting the word “bro” into other words is a super cute pun, but in a manly way: Read more on Douchebag Hipsters Named Trevor Would Like A Glass Of Your Finest Rosé Please…
  now watch this drive

Millionaire Golfer Phil Mickelson Feels The Pain Of The Underclass: The Poor, Poor CEOs

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy Let us begin our long, long week of snark and <headdesking> by crying a big ol’ bucket of crocodile tears for golfing sports-man Phil Mickelson, a person who has made a fortune hitting a little white ball, then walking after it, and then hitting it again and again until it drops into a little hole. Phil made headlines a few months ago when he mused that he might retire from playing a sport that earned him $67 million in 2012 because the gol’dang gubmint wanted its tithe, and a man like Phil can’t possibly be expected to subsist on the mere $25 million or so he cleared after taxes. That was in January, and Phil took some heat for his comments. You would think that in the ensuing months he might have used some of his wealth to hire a publicist to teach him to shut the hell up if this issue ever once again reared its head. And yet there was Phil on Friday, talking to Maria Bartiromo on CNBC and stepping on his dick once again. Read more on Millionaire Golfer Phil Mickelson Feels The Pain Of The Underclass: The Poor, Poor CEOs…
  secret agent mansplaining

Your Wonkette PRISM Explainer, Part 2 Of Infinite: Which Morons Are Saying What Stupid Things About PRISM?

We decided we needed an entirely separate Explainer to discuss all the stupid morons saying dumb things about PRISM and/or the collection of All Metadata Everywhere, because so many “journalists” have been MORE THAN HAPPY to come forward, pat America on its pretty head and mansplain that this is no big deal, and also, isn’t it nice that we are somehow magically so much SAFER due to the technological marvels of a top secret program? Also, which is it? A technological marvel whose penetration into our privacy is necessary to Keep Us Safe, or alternatively, a piddly little exercise in security theater that is No Big Deal (unless you are a terrorist, in which case, watch out!)? We are still not sure! Here, let us run through all a selection of the Op-Ed columnists who CANNOT WAIT to tell us how wonderful it is that the government is invading our privacy, and then we will get to the elected officials who are shocked, SHOCKED to discover the existence of a program they supported and voted for or alternatively, can’t figure out why everyone is so upset. Read more on Your Wonkette PRISM Explainer, Part 2 Of Infinite: Which Morons Are Saying What Stupid Things About PRISM?…
  excess ain't rebellion

Terrible Gucci Fanboy, Sports Mythmaker Buzz Bissinger Proves Why Marginal Tax Rates Should Be 100 Percent

Remember last year when angry old sportswriter Harry “Buzz” Bissinger endorsed Mitt Romney because Mittens was totally lying about everything? It was probably non-sports fans’ first introduction to the douchepile that is Buzz Bissinger, so here is a quick primer. Back when the internet consisted of three Star Trek fans on a dial-up message board, Bissinger wrote a very good book about Texas high school football, which became a decent movie about Texas high school football, which inspired an incredible tv show about how Texas high school football teams only have to play well in the second half to win because of inspirational words. Bissinger has literally coasted on that book since the Soviet Union was still a thing. More recently, Bissinger is basically known as the guy who yelled at Deadspin’s Will Leitch because Bissinger couldn’t understand the difference between blog posts and blog comments. He also wrote an insufferable book about St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa to refute the idea that Nate Silver-style gay math helps explain baseball. And, of course, there was that whole endorsing Mittens because he knew Mittens was a liar. Tuesday we learned that Buzz Bissinger is a worse human being than anyone previously imagined. Read more on Terrible Gucci Fanboy, Sports Mythmaker Buzz Bissinger Proves Why Marginal Tax Rates Should Be 100 Percent…
  regulate women not markets

Paul Ryan Focusing On Jobs With New Bill About One-Celled Embryos

Lucky you, Amercia, Paul Ryan (R-Complete Tool) is back at work and ready to focus on the issues. After all, Paul Ryan is a Very Serious Person who is Very Concerned about Jobs and The Economy! So when he was campaigning we were all bereft of his leadership on these and other pressing issues, and it was sad, and surely we suffered mightily for it. But today we bring you good news, for he is BACK, you guys, and now that he is back, he is dedicated to his number one legislative priority: cosponsoring legislation that promotes job growth  protects one-celled embryos. Read more on Paul Ryan Focusing On Jobs With New Bill About One-Celled Embryos…
  creepy pictures

Chicago Board of Trade Princes Mock Occupy Chicago Protesters From On High

The Occupy Chicago protester-folk got this cryptic message from the mysterious cabal of mutant space hamsters inhabiting the Chicago Board of Trade. But, uh, maybe take heart Ocupados (?), the 1% does not even appear to have enough money to buy printer ink to run off a couple of window signs, so they will join you soon enough. Read more on Chicago Board of Trade Princes Mock Occupy Chicago Protesters From On High…
  the apologist

Everybody — Even John Boehner! — Hates Oil-Industry Whore Joe Barton

It was hardly a good day for BP CEO Tony Hayward, who mumbled “I don’t recall” and “I was not part of that decision making process” enough times to qualify for the Iran-Contra Memorial Bullshit Award. But Tony must be resting a little more comfortably tonight knowing that one of his own supposed tormentors on the U.S. House Energy and Commerce Committee ended up being the most hated Oil Industry goon of the afternoon. Texas Rep. Joe Barton reached new heights of national douchebaggery when, in the space of a few sentences, he managed to apologize to BP and declare that he would no longer live in America, because of the inconveniences suffered by the oil company that has fouled the entire Gulf of Mexico. Read more on Everybody — Even John Boehner! — Hates Oil-Industry Whore Joe Barton…
  first couples are naturally gross

A Children’s Treasury of Videos of Al & Tipper Gore Being Gross

How much will we miss “America’s President,” the sore-loserman Al Gore and his wife Tipper Gore, who are becoming separated today due to the lack of love in their lives? Let’s all gather around the laptop and remember the years of joy and kissing and complaining about Prince records and “lockbox” and whatever else they did as Al & Tipper, the First Family of Climate Change. Read more on A Children’s Treasury of Videos of Al & Tipper Gore Being Gross…
  fine young cannibals

Wall Street Assholes Will Eat Your Cushy Middle-Class Job

Once General Secretary Obama and Chief Commissar Pelosi have banned all capitalist activity more advanced that barter and turned Lower Manhattan into a giant open-air market for selling organic produce and hemp blankets, what will become of the tightly wound young men who made all that money for you and me, right up until the point where they destroyed America? You were probably hoping that, having no other skills, they would literally die, after being knifed by hobos in a fight for the least filthy spots under the freeway overpass. But it turns out that they’re just going to take away your jobs (assuming, of course, that you still have a job, after they destroyed the economy.) Read on to find out how you can defend yourself! (Hint: You cannot, they are relentless and unstoppable.) Read more on Wall Street Assholes Will Eat Your Cushy Middle-Class Job…
  well if he can run iraq ...

Husband Of Giant Campbell Brown May Run For Senate

Once upon a time there was a gargantuan CNN anchoress who, for five wonderful, lucrative days way back in 2008, eated your Wonkette. (These were in the days when large corporations still paid money to blogs in exchange for advertising.) That lady is married to Dan Senor, a youngish douche who was once spokesman for the Coalition Provisional Authority, which brought instant peace and prosperity to Iraq following the invasion. The point is, Dan Senor is maybe thinking of challenging an assortment of other known douches for Kirsten Gillibrand’s Senate seat. Read more on Husband Of Giant Campbell Brown May Run For Senate…
  'inside baseball'

TWO DISASTROUS PEOPLE GET INTO FIGHT: Joe “Fucking Wind Sock” Klein and Jamie “Marty Peretz’s Slave” Kirchick appear to have gotten into a fight, at a Jew conference! “A heated debate between Time magazine’s Joe Klein and the New Republic‘s Jamie Kirchick spilled off the dais Tuesday into a hallway confrontation where Klein called the younger pundit a “dishonest [expletive]” and a “[expletiving] propagandist.” Oh boy! [WP/Reliable Source] Read more on …
  wonkette jobs

GEORGETOWN SOPHOMORE LOOKING FOR ASSISTANT: This sophomore also works in the financial services industry! So of course: “PA example tasks -Organize closet -make bed -Drop off / pick up dry cleaning -Drop me off / pick me up from work -Do laundry -Fill up gas tank -bring car for servicing -schedule appointment for haircut -Pay parking tickets -manage electronic accounts -shopping and running errands -other random tasks. …laundry will be counted for half an hour even though a laundry cycle takes 1.5 hrs to complete.” The Great Recession changed everything. [Georgetown Voice] Read more on …
  oh boy

Douchey No-Name Bush Speechwriter Writes Douchey ‘Tell-All’ Piece Of Crap

You may have seen on the Internets this morning various excerpts from what appears to be GQ’s answer to Vanity Fair‘s Levi Johnston article, in terms of the great “which major New York magazine can publish the weirdest and least fact-checkable 10-page fart of targeted-readership porn” journalism wars. “Matt Latimer,” a late-term speechwriter for George W. Bush, has written a snippy sack of anecdotes from his time in/near the White House during the 2008 presidential race, the Wall Street collapse, etc etc. It could have been an interesting read, but here’s the problem: it’s not. It is one of the shittiest pieces of writing, ever, or at least since Uncle Tom’s Cabin. Did you know that not a single person in the White House knew anything about anything except for smug mid-level stenographer “Matt Latimer,” according to Matt Latimer? Read more on Douchey No-Name Bush Speechwriter Writes Douchey ‘Tell-All’ Piece Of Crap…
  digital manipulation

ABOUT FRIGGING TIME: The delightfully named Finger Interests Number One Ltd. is trying to persuade other Bank of America shareholders to get rid of Ken Lewis and two other people on the bank’s board of directors. Imagine that! Imagine throwing out the terrible bums who just dropped their trousers and peed all over their shareholders while doing whatever they wanted (making billions of dollars in exchange for running their companies into the ground). It’s certainly more than the government is capable of. Yay Finger Interests. [New York Times] Read more on …
  prognostications

Karl Rove: Everything Is Awesome For Republicans!

Man, this guy! Remember Karl Rove, the doughy, evil clown who used direct mail to make George W. Bush the permanent dictator of America? He has good news for Republicans. They are poised on the precipice of a COMEBACK, a massive and extremely awesome comeback, because they keep winning seats in the South — a region which they have historically, uh, tended to win in! Read more on Karl Rove: Everything Is Awesome For Republicans!…
  farewell old chap

Fox’s Brit Hume ‘Just Kind Of Tired Of Doing It’

Oh man, this is sort of sad! Brit Hume, by many measures one of the least offensive Fox News personalities in existence, is stepping down from the anchor’s desk after 12 years because he has lost his enthusiasm for the job. (Quick everybody, quit your job because you are bored!) Twelve years on Fox would be the equivalent of two decades with one of those companies that does the clean-up after a quadruple homicide or a sewer pipe explosion or an invasion of Mold Monsters. Not for the faint of heart. Brit Hume, we salute you! [New York Daily News] Read more on Fox’s Brit Hume ‘Just Kind Of Tired Of Doing It’…