Wonkette

ELECTION DAY OF THE APOCALYPSE: “What hellish skeleton of the American Dream will remain when we finally drag ourselves to the polling place on November 4?” [Political Machine]

Are you reading this at work? Lucky you! The national unemployment rate saw its biggest month-to-month jump in 22 years, and is now at 5.5%. Department of Labor numbers show 49,000 fewer jobs in May, due to General Economic Horror and the Growing Panic. When you’re done screwing around with the political news, here’s a fun article about how to survive unemployment. [Wall Street Journal]

From the New York Times to the, uh, New York Sun, newspapers are reporting the hot new American trend: survivalism. The NYT was first to note the fad earlier this month in its Fashion & Style section, but the Sun has the news angle. Want to stock up on sacks of rice and cooking oil and flour and other such staples to survive the Coming Shitstorm? Too late! CostCo is limiting how many sacks of rice you can buy! MORE »

A new Harris Interactive poll confirms that America is one big Gloomy Gus convention these days, with people bellyaching about The Economy and The War and Our Incompetent Congress and what’s his face, the guy who’s always off humping bunnies. Look outside the window, America! Do you not see the beautiful sun shining? Oh, you don’t have a window because the bank took it away? Well, look at the sun shining outside your spacious cardboard box! MORE »

NASA is rushing the Space Shuttle Atlantis back to Earth on Wednesday so the mad scientists at the Pentagon can try to shoot a monstrous poisonous spy satellite out of the sky before it crashes back to America and kills us all. The broken 5,000-lb. space robot is completely out of control and is spinning back to its planetary home far faster than originally guessed, which is why the Defense Department needs to shoot a war missile into space this Thursday to blow up the thing and scare the bejesus out of all the other nations of Earth.

The situation is so grim that the already dangerous space shuttle needs to get out of orbit and land before this doomed Star Wars exercise that will probably fill low-Earth orbit with tons of deadly space junk that will make it impossible for Earthlings to ever escape this imperiled planet. That’s why NASA is preparing for landings at either Kennedy Space Center in Florida or Edwards AFB in California’s Mojave Desert. The shuttle has three landing windows before the Pentagon begins its Space Assault.

Also, Wednesday night will feature an ominous Full Moon Lunar Eclipse, so the Moon will turn blood red at 10 p.m. Eastern (7 p.m. Pacific Time) and remind us all of our fate, which is too terrible to mention.

Satellite Shooting Is Next As Shuttle Heads Home [NY Times]

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Pint-sized billionaire New York mayor Michael Bloomberg once occupied a special place in the hearts of the American electorate. Richer than Mitt Romney, more wee than Dennis Kucinich, he was our lucky leprechaun who would visit a new era of peace and prosperity upon this wounded nation. And then John McCain started gaining in the polls and people said, “Hey, maybe that curmudgeonly tax-and-spend warmonger ain’t so bad after all.” MORE »

Remember that “size of a bus” spy satellite that is now plummeting out of control and will pretty soon smash into Earth, possibly killing off the dinosaurs? The Pentagon now says that the monstrous hunk of space garbage is probably going to hit America — possibly Mexico or Canada, but the government’s karmic probability models say the USA “deserves” it. [The Register/K.C. Star]

One of Cheney’s remaining hacks at the Pentagon, undersecretary of neocon propaganda Eric Edelman, sent Hillary Clinton a mean letter telling her to shut up about the withdrawal of troops from Iraq that everybody knows is going to happen on some level pretty soon, including everybody at the Pentagon and everybody in Iraq. MORE »

Earlier this week, Bush began to set into motion the government’s eventual tacitly-approved/sponsored coup against Iraq Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki in an interview in which he blamed him for everything. Maliki responded today to a group of foreign journalists, to whom he suggested that Bush was pressured into it by public disapproval. MORE »

Bush isn’t very happy with Nuri Kamal al-Maliki right now: MORE »