Tag Archives: Donald Trump

  Sweet Dreams And Flying Machines In Pieces On The Ground

Space Case Donald Trump Hates Private Enterprise Now

Burnin' out his fuse up there alone
An unmanned Antares rocket exploded seconds after liftoff from a facility in Virginia yesterday, with the total loss of a payload of food, water, and scientific experiments bound for the International Space Station. It was pretty spectacular: Read more on Space Case Donald Trump Hates Private Enterprise Now…
  Here have some news n stuff

One Guy In New York Has Ebola So You Can Totally Panic Now

Thanks Obama
That screaming hysteria you hear is the sound of everyone in New York being EXTREMELY TERRIFIED!!! or at least making jokes about being EXTREMELY TERRIFIED!!! because Ebola is real now. (You know the rule: It’s real when it happens in New York. The rest is prologue.) Read more on One Guy In New York Has Ebola So You Can Totally Panic Now…
  Here have some news n stuff

NFL Tried So Hard To Get That Video Of Ray Rice Beating His Lady, No Really (Not Really)

Too bad there's no video
The NFL is still trying to convince us that The Big Manly Powers That Be never would have defended Baltimore Ravens sportsball star Ray Rice after he knocked his woman OUT COLD in an elevator, if only they could have seen the video of him doing that. Not the abridged video that shows him dragging her unconscious body out of the elevator after the fact; that was inconclusive, and besides, everyone said they were sorry, so what more could anyone want? Read more on NFL Tried So Hard To Get That Video Of Ray Rice Beating His Lady, No Really (Not Really)…
  Yooooge idiot

Donald Trump Will Sue All The Twitters For Making Him Look Stupid

He will make a YOOOOGE deal outta anything
Donald Trump has never been wrong about anything, as you know, and if he has, well, it’s not his fault. It’s because he was fraudulently entrapped by some evil mastermind on Twitter (probably Obama, who’s still bitter that Trump exposed his birth certificate for the legitimate birth certificate it is and also that Trump called him on revealing New York to our enemies). Read more on Donald Trump Will Sue All The Twitters For Making Him Look Stupid…
  clipbait

John Oliver Goes Deep Inside Miss America (Video)

John Oliver meets Butt Glue
In yet another terrific piece of longform investigative comedy, John Oliver and Last Week Tonight take on the Miss America Pageant, which likes to promote itself as “the World’s Largest Provider of Scholarships for Women.” Obviously, there are two questions here: 1) Is it still 1959? and 2) Really? Miss America provides $45 million of scholarships a year? There’s also the follow-up question of why anyone seeking an academic scholarship needs to know how to keep her swimsuit snug with butt glue. Read more on John Oliver Goes Deep Inside Miss America (Video)…
  Our Post-Racial Racists

Donald Trump Has More Thoughts About The Blacks

Including the date makes it worse, somehow
Just in case you worry that the Liberal Media doesn’t give sufficient attention to all sides of controversial issues, Wonkette is pleased to bring you the views of some goober-brained fuckheads on the recent unrest in Ferguson, Missouri. First up: In St. Louis, Missouri, a few dozen protesters showed up at a rally Sunday in support of Darren Wilson, the Ferguson cop who shot and killed Michael Brown. It was billed as a counter-protest to the rallies in Ferguson, and was presumably held in St. Louis because why would they go to Ferguson, are you crazy? Read more on Donald Trump Has More Thoughts About The Blacks…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: KKK And James Woods Gonna Clean Up The Border

But how did she end up with Twilight Sparkle's panties on her head?
Welcome to another Derp Roundup, the feature where we collect all the stupidest stories that we couldn’t find a spot for and dump them in a junk drawer for you to sort through. You may want to wash your brain afterward! Read more on Derp Roundup: KKK And James Woods Gonna Clean Up The Border…
  Will He Take Over Trump's Hair As Well?

Adam Carolla, Who Hosts A Podcast For A Living, Thinks Poor People Are Lazy

Can you imagine being The Daily Caller (or any other conservative media outlet that is trying to be cool), and your biggest celebrity “get” is an extended interview with fading bully/outdated hair product connoisseur Adam Carolla? You’d milk that forever, including highlighting his claim about how rich people are better than poor people, mostly because they’re rich. Read more on Adam Carolla, Who Hosts A Podcast For A Living, Thinks Poor People Are Lazy…
  hypnotized by you if i should linger

This Is How Donald Trump Gets Off A Plane (OMFG Video)

Donald Trump is in Ireland — the CLASSIEST, YOOGEST ISLAND. How do you greet Donald Trump when he gets off a plane? Do you have Bobbsey Triplets playing violin, harp, and Ariel’s mermaid voice, in matching red cocktail dresses and five inch beige heels? No, because you did not think of it first, because you’re a fucking dummy who don’t know how to properly welcome the world’s most important golf-course guy. Good job, DUMMY. Read more on This Is How Donald Trump Gets Off A Plane (OMFG Video)…
  fumbling towards ecstasy

Solange Beats Up Jay-Z, Donald Trump Is Sad, And All The TV You Can Handle In These Happy Links

Let’s get ready to Happy! We do not feel good about Solange literally trying to kick Jay-Z’s ass, because we cannot handle any discord in the Knowles clan. John Oliver reminded us that it is blindingly stupid that one in four Americans do not believe climate change is real. Read more on Solange Beats Up Jay-Z, Donald Trump Is Sad, And All The TV You Can Handle In These Happy Links…
  9 1/2 Yards

Donald Trump Simply Does Not Care For Gay Ram Michael Sam’s Erotic Food Play

Did you magically become a St. Louis Rams fan when Michael Sam joyfully kissed his cute boyfriend after Saturday’s draft? US TOO! Donald Trump and his fellow idiots at Fox & Friends, however, did not! The several kisses were closed-mouthed and respectable, because Michael Sam only gets naughty on video when there are gay lesbian ladies throwing panties at him. (He is a lover, that Michael Sam.) Read more on Donald Trump Simply Does Not Care For Gay Ram Michael Sam’s Erotic Food Play…
  nobody got executed at least

Fine, Here Is Your President ‘Cracking Wise’ At The White House Correspondents Dinner

You may have noticed that we did not livebloog the White House Correspondents Dinner last night, because we were already well into an ether and risotto binge, and also it is not terribly funny, except in years when the President is making fun of Donald Trump while knowing that he is about to personally kill bin Laden. On the other hand, we also would never say no to a naked bid for web traffic, so here are some clips! First off, here is an actually funny thing, mostly, with Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Old Handsome Joe Biden and OHJB’s actual-maybe brand-new Corvette Stingray. We liked Julia’s Kevin Spacey bit. After the jump, clips of Barry Bamz making with the carefully vetted funny, and Community Star Joel McHale maybe bombing, at least that’s what we heard after we got most of the risotto out of our pants. Read more on Fine, Here Is Your President ‘Cracking Wise’ At The White House Correspondents Dinner…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Basket of Argle, Bargle, and Babble

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we bring you a bunch of stories that didn’t quite merit a post of their own, but that were far too stupid to ignore altogether. Apply alcohol directly to your central processing unit as needed. Or your computer’s. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Basket of Argle, Bargle, and Babble…
  Won't someone please think of the bigots?

Donald Trump Thinks Obama Should Resign Because That Guy From Mozilla Got Fired

Have you heard about how the liberal gay mafia fascists who hate diversity lynch mobbed that sweet nice man, Brendan Eich, who was CEO of Mozilla until he was killed by the evil gay agenda? Of course you have, because whiners gonna whine, and oh dear lord, they cannot stop whining about how unfair and un-American and un-other things it is that Eich must now stand in the unemployment line eating gruel. All of this because Eich merely donated $1000 to the Proposition 8 efforts. And hey, since money is speech — thanks, Supreme Court! — we guess donating money to a hate group is hate speech. Funny how the employees of Mozilla were not quite so comfortable working with a dude who engaged in hate speech. Nor were the members of his board. Nor were the folks at OKCupid, who were all “free market, bitches.” But this has given many people a very sad sad, because instead of being patient and understanding and gracious to the bigots of America who have clearly lost their war to banish The Gay, those mean lefty lefties are being mean and making everyone cry and also killing the First Amendment, which lefty lefties are always trying to do with their birth control and their Happy Holidays and such. Let us now point and laugh and gloat like the sore winners we are at the people who are crying all the tears because it is slightly less safe to be a bigot in America. Read more on Donald Trump Thinks Obama Should Resign Because That Guy From Mozilla Got Fired…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of The Terrible

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we steam-clean our browser tabs and scrape together all the stories that weren’t worth their own posts, but were too stupid to ignore altogether. We recommend you numb yourself against the dumbassery that is sure to follow. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of The Terrible…
  pulp fission

Donald Trump Outraged That Barack Obama Has Revealed Existence Of NYC To Our Enemies

So here is your nontroversy of the afternoon: Donald Trump is furious that Barack Obama has mentioned the possibility of a terrorist nuclear attack on Manhattan, because, as he told Fox News’s Greta Van Susteren today, the President “just put a big target on Manhattan.” Damn you, Obama! If only you had kept Manhattan a secret, no terrorist ever would have thought to attack it, and the city would remain safe from terrorist attacks, just like it was during George W. Bush’s blemish-free reign. Read more on Donald Trump Outraged That Barack Obama Has Revealed Existence Of NYC To Our Enemies…
  celebrity jeopardy

Washed-Up Has-Been Newt Gingrich Tired Of Famous-For-Nothing Hillary Clinton Getting So Much Attention

Normally, we rely on our sister site, HappyNiceTimePeople.com, to cover people who are famous for being famous. But every now and then, some no-talent celebrity decides to wade into politics, despite a complete lack of resume and credentials, and we are forced to mock them back to the realm of do-nothingness. Giant-headed moon enthusiast Newt Gingrich helpfully brought the latest sad sack wanna-be politician to our attention, per Raw Story: “First Lady, Senator, Secretary Clinton is very famous for being famous,” Gingrich opined. “And as long as she can continue to be famous, she will be famous.” Seriously, what has Hillary accomplished? No famous parents and not even one sex tape! Preach on, Newt. Preach on.  Read more on Washed-Up Has-Been Newt Gingrich Tired Of Famous-For-Nothing Hillary Clinton Getting So Much Attention…
  clipbait

‘All In With Chris Hayes’ Tries To Interpret The Gnomist Twitter Feed Of Rupert Murdoch

We haven’t been much on the “All In With Chris Hayes” tip for our clipbait, but yesterday Hayes unpacked the delightfully terrifying and terrifyingly delightful Twitter feed of one Rupert Murdoch. Truly, we do not think anyone else is running Murdoch’s feed, because the tweets have the same level of unfiltered lunacy of Donald Trump’s feed. Read more on ‘All In With Chris Hayes’ Tries To Interpret The Gnomist Twitter Feed Of Rupert Murdoch…
  is our correspondents learning?

A Children’s Treasury Of Douches At CPAC, Day One

The Gaylord National Resort is more than just a hotel with a name that makes pubescent boys snicker. It’s also a glassed-in mini-city with living trees and actual birds and tiny houses that hold patriotic gear stores and, for the second year, it is the Land of CPAC. Come along and let us visit this wondrous fantasy world! Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Douches At CPAC, Day One…
  making a note here: huge success!

Donald Trump Kills Jimmy Carter

Donald Trump, always good for a laugh, arrived at CPAC today ready to be as impressive as ever. Consider this on-the-spot report from Huffpo’s Sam Stein: Trump just rolled in w/ about 12 security guards. “Any thoughts on Ukraine?” I asked. “I am,” he said. “What?” I asked. He walked on The man is like a haiku. Maybe he was just taking John McCain literally about that “We are all Ukraine” stuff. I am Ukraine: and so can you. And then things got weirder when Trump took the stage and killed Jimmy Carter dead. Read more on Donald Trump Kills Jimmy Carter…
  also Benghazi. Who'd have guessed?

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Tramps, Trump, Temps, And Guns, Always Guns

We have quite a range of incoherent shouting for you in today’s visit to the ol’ comment queue, so let’s jump right in and unleash the ugly vile little snark mob, shall we? Let us begin with “bmmg39,” who had a bone to pick with all of us for our stupid-headed failure to recognize that James Taranto is a genius of fairness and equality, and not a rape-apologist douchebag. Our Snipy pointed out that, no, drunk men who rape drunk women do not actually get to claim that they have diminished capacity, but what does she know, because she is only a lawyer, and also she is a woman who disagrees with Taranto. Writes bmmg39, I’m amazed that so many people can read Mr. Taranto’s column and completely misconstrue (or willfully distort) what he is saying. Mr. Taranto is NOT talking about a drunk man forcing himself onto a drunk woman who’s either saying no or is passed out (which would be rape, whether it’s a man doing it to a woman or a woman doing it to a man). Aha, well that’s pretty enlightened of you there, bmmg39. We’ll just approve your comment and welcome you to the…wait, you wrote more? Hmmm…. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: Tramps, Trump, Temps, And Guns, Always Guns…
  neerrrrds!

Perennial Maybe-Candidate Sarah Palin Mean-Girls Nerdy Reporter For Perennial Maybe-Candidate Donald Trump

Oh, this is a very special update to yesterday’s YOOGE Donald Trump News from Ghost Breitbart’s Internet Home for the Perpetually Aggrieved. As you may recall, rancid Breitbart horcrux Matthew Boyle discovered a terrible, terrible thing about Buzzfeed writer McKay Coppins: Coppins wrote something negative about Trump, and said unthinkable things, despicable things, things so vile and putrid that we hesitate to repeat them! Namely, he said that Donald Trump is a pretend candidate who likes publicity but has no intention of actually running for any elective office, ever. Or as Boyle put it, “one of the most venomous hit pieces in recent memory,” which suggests that Mr. Boyle probably needs a RAM upgrade. Happily, thanks to a midnight deal at a crossroads — Trump got their souls, and they got the belief that they mattered — we got yesterday’s breathless exposé, which informs us that not only did Coppins say unkind things about the Great Man, he also was a puffed up braggart who constantly called himself a “big reporter,” ogled all the waitresses at Trump’s Florida hideaway, and “ordered bison burgers at a resort restaurant in an untoward way.” All of which are totally believable and supported by the direct word of people who work for Mr. Trump and love their jobs. It was a glorious festival of butthurt which Kid Zoom described to us as “like a bunch of jocks beating up on a nerd who insulted the quarterback.” This was our fault; we hadn’t shown Kid a photo of Boyle. And now, the Queen Bee of the Mean Girls comes sailing into the fray. Sarah Palin gave Breitbart writer Tony Lee a two-sentence quote, and it was a thing of beauty: “This nervous geek isn’t fit to tie the Donald’s wingtips,” Palin told Breitbart News … “Don’t ever give him attention again.” Wow! “Nervous geek” — now that is some grade-A high school bullying. Pay attention, boys, and learn from the best. Read more on Perennial Maybe-Candidate Sarah Palin Mean-Girls Nerdy Reporter For Perennial Maybe-Candidate Donald Trump…