Tag Archives: Donald Trump

  If You Strike Him Down He'll Become More Powerful Than You Could Possibly Imagine

Donald Trump Fires Macy’s For Letting Mexican Rapists Into America

It's A Big Lady, Take a Shot of Jager
Trumpendammerung 2015 continues today, as Macy’s becomes the latest of the Great White Shart’s branding associates to say “Adios, puto!” After Trump’s assertion that Mexico is “sending” a whole bunch of rapists and murderers and, he assumes, “some good people” across the border, it’s as if the Trump magic has worn off, and a whole bunch of businesses have sleepily rubbed the gold-leaf fairy dust out of their eyes, wondering why they ever hooked up with that asshole in the first place. And now, all the gold accents in the world won’t help Trump, because nobody likes gilt by association. Read more on Donald Trump Fires Macy’s For Letting Mexican Rapists Into America…
  Will The Thing On His Head Testify?

Donald Trump Knows First Amendment Just As Good As He Knows Mexicans

Also Free Speach!
Humungous bag of weasel smegma Donald Trump is suing Univision for $500 million because it canceled its coverage of the Miss Universe pageant after his really smart (and totally accurate, he says) analysis of Mexicans, who are “bringing drugs, they’re bringing crime, they’re rapists.” Some, he figures, are “good people,” so he doesn’t even see why everyone’s having a hissy fit, he’s covered that. And who knows, depending on the details of the contract, he might even have a case against the network. Oh, but it turns out that the lawsuit isn’t just about breach of contract. No, this is Donald Trump, so he had to go Full Palin and accuse the network of trying to stifle his FREE SPEACH. Read more on Donald Trump Knows First Amendment Just As Good As He Knows Mexicans…
  Twitter rant forthcoming

Donald Trump Fired From NBC For Being YOOOOOOOGE Racist Lick Knob

Unemployed.
  Sad news for all of you Donald Trump-lovers. (Those exist, we think?) The purging of Donald Trump is no longer limited to mean Spanish-speaking teevee types. After Univision decided it would no longer be airing Miss Universe pageants owned by men who call Mexican immigrants drug-criming rapists, Trump reacted with all the maturity and grace we’ve come to expect, threatening to sue the network and banning Univision employees from one of his gauche resorts in Miami. Well, we guess we should get ready for another rage-sharting Twitter rant from Trump, because NBC done fired his ass: Read more on Donald Trump Fired From NBC For Being YOOOOOOOGE Racist Lick Knob…
  OOH BIG IMPRESSIVE MAN!

Donald Trump Bans Mean Spanishes From Fancy-Pants Miami Resort

Can't imagine why Mexicans would be pissed off at him.
Amidst the PURE APPLESAUCE and INTERPRETIVE JIGGERY POKERY of last week’s marriage and Obamacare news, you might have missed the very important story of how Donald Trump is being forced to sue Univision, because it was mean to him and decided against airing his Miss Universe Pageant, due to the fact that Trump has been a real dick toward Mexicans lately, saying Mexican immigrants are druggers, crimers and rapists. Trump is now continuing his baby temper tantrum, by banning all Univision employees from this one Miami hotel he owns: Read more on Donald Trump Bans Mean Spanishes From Fancy-Pants Miami Resort…
  So. Many. Idiots.

How GOP ‘Presidents’ Will Fail To Save America From Buttsex-Based Marriage

The spanking, it stung, YAY!
The Republican candidates for 2016 have spoken, and they are not one bit happy with all this gaiety today. Their reactions ranged from sadly resigned to reality, to promises to fight the decision forever — they will fight the gays in the fields and in the streets, fight them in the hills, but not fight them on the beaches because they might see a guy in a speedo and that would simply be too much — to saying nothing at all because they’re too busy crying, apparently. Read more on How GOP ‘Presidents’ Will Fail To Save America From Buttsex-Based Marriage…
  How do you say "fuck off" in Spanish?

Donald Trump Has To Sue Univision Now, Because It Acted Too Mexican At Him

Fox forgot to put scare quotes around
Hilariously egotistical ass Donald “I’m Donald Trump!” Trump, who thinks he is running for president, has run into a little problem. You see, he made some dumbass comments a while back about how he’s the only “candidate” qualified to solve our immigration problem, by building a YOOOOOGE fence, because DONALD TRUMP IS THE BEST AT FENCES. Also, the Mexicans will have to pay for the fence, because “they have really ripped this country off.” Donald Trump knows he can make them pay for it, because Donald Trump is the best at getting people to give him pesos. He doesn’t hate Mexicans, though! It’s just the way they come to America and act all Mexican-like, is all. Read more on Donald Trump Has To Sue Univision Now, Because It Acted Too Mexican At Him…
  Give them another five years

Every Single GOP Candidate Has A Cunning Plan To Murder Obamacare On Day One

It's like health care only different
The highest court of unelected activist judges in the whole Us of America declared, for the second time, that Obamacare haters need to hush now and take a nap because that shit is kosher, yo. Which does not mean the Republican Party or any of its “presidential” “candidates” are going to do that. The Affordable Care Act may be the super-duper twice-certified constitutional law of the land, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be repealed and replaced with something even MORE better, dunno what yet, that’s not what matters right now! Read more on Every Single GOP Candidate Has A Cunning Plan To Murder Obamacare On Day One…
  this won't work

Nebraska Guy Wishes To Join ISIS, To Win Back Confiscated Pussy

Nah, the cat didn't join ISIS, we just wanted to use this pic.
You know that thing where you’re really mad at your local Humane Society, because those tyrants took your kitty cat away, because you were maybe abusing it, and you really need to teach them a lesson? Sure, we’ve all been there! (No we haven’t.) But this one Nebraska dude has been there, and he knows just what to do to avenge his lost pussy. He is going to join ISIS! Take THAT, Nebraska Humane Society! Read more on Nebraska Guy Wishes To Join ISIS, To Win Back Confiscated Pussy…
  Wonkette dance party

Here’s A Jaunty Gay-Hatin’ Campaign Song For Republicans, Since They Can’t Use Any Others

Republican creative type.
Republican candidates have this problem every single time they try to do campaigns. They think, “Hey, I have always loved that song by [insert artist here], I’ll use that!” And then they get a cease-and-desist letter, or a lawsuit, from the artist, saying “I hate you so much, you are not worthy of my song, you dirty disgusting wingnut.” It happened last week, when dumb Donald Trump thought it would be a good idea to use Neil Young’s “Rockin’ In The Free World” during his campaign announcement. No dice, Donald. But there is hope on the horizon! Read more on Here’s A Jaunty Gay-Hatin’ Campaign Song For Republicans, Since They Can’t Use Any Others…
  Here have some news n stuff

Jeb Bush Will Fight Gay Marriage Forever! Or Until He Changes His Mind

There's a new flip-flopper in town
Jeb! Bush doesn’t care what the Supreme Court says about gay marriage. At the Faith and Freedom Coalition funtimes party last week, he promised religious conservatives he’d fight against equality FOREVER AND EVER, because Jesus said you don’t have to love your neighbor if he is A Gay: Read more on Jeb Bush Will Fight Gay Marriage Forever! Or Until He Changes His Mind…
  Profiles In Cowardice

GOP Candidates On Confederate Flag Ranked, From Yellow To Romney

All the GOP candidates right now basically
You wouldn’t think calling for the removal of the Confederate flag from the grounds of South Carolina’s state capitol would be a difficult thing to do, especially for those who believe they are bold and brave enough to be this nation’s next president. We’re not in the habit of honoring our enemies by flying their flags or building memorials to their fallen, after all, so it stands to reason that state-sanctioned deference to the traitors who declared war on the United States would be easily recognized as, well, un-American. Read more on GOP Candidates On Confederate Flag Ranked, From Yellow To Romney…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments: What Did You Do In The Race War, Daddy?

Hey, Sunbutt, it's the Solstice. Go do your job.
You will probably not be greatly surprised that a large number of our deletia this week came in response to stories about the horrific massacre in Charleston. One story, more than any others — about speculation on Fox News that this was a hate crime against Christians — really brought out the trolls, possibly because even though the story noted that the shooter had told a survivor that his goal was “to kill black people,” it was still early on enough that some people were still comfortably in denial. Or just idiots. Read more on Deleted Comments: What Did You Do In The Race War, Daddy?…
  counting down the weekly top stories

And Then Suddenly All Eyes Were On Charleston. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Beautiful souls, each and every one.
Well, Wonkers, it was a sad week, as we, and the nation, became transfixed on the gruesome murders that took the lives of 9 people attending a Bible study at a historic black church in Charleston, South Carolina. And wouldn’t you know it, even amidst such rage and sadness, wingnuts still managed to fuck it up more, by saying some of the grossest things imaginable. And surprise, some of those posts made this week’s top ten! Read more on And Then Suddenly All Eyes Were On Charleston. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  Trump endorses Clinton

Donald Trump Says Bill Clinton Was Best, Classiest President Ever, Too Bad About Hillary’s Age

Thinking face.
Donald Trump, who is so FOR REAL a serious contender for US American president in 2016, has a favorite president of his own, and it is Bill Clinton. WHAT? But we thought Trump was a super Republican, here to Make America Great Again™, after evil tyrant Democrat Barack Obama ruined it! But yes, it is true, Bill Clinton was Trump’s favorite recent president, at least until Donald Trump becomes president, and also Clinton would have been an even better president if he hadn’t met all those whores. Trump told all this to Joe “Morning Joe” Scarborough, on the “Morning Joe” program Thursday morning: Read more on Donald Trump Says Bill Clinton Was Best, Classiest President Ever, Too Bad About Hillary’s Age…
  Wonkette Music Hour

Here’s A Few More Lefty Neil Young Songs For Donald Trump To F*ck Right Off To

Not pictured: Neil Young flipping Donald Trump off behind his back.
It’s the same old story. Asshole wingnut decides to run for president, decides that the song he’s ALWAYS wanted to use is this lefty liberal anthem written by a lefty liberal rock star, and the lefty liberal rock star is like, “Fuck off, I did NOT say you could use my music, and also I hate you.” This time, it’s Neil Young, and he’s real pissed that Donald Trump decided to play “Rockin’ In The Free World” as he waddled onstage to announce that he’s pretending to run for president again. Young’s manager released a statement saying that “Donald Trump’s use of ‘Rockin’ in the Free World’ was not authorized,” and also, “Mr. Young is a longtime supporter of Bernie Sanders.” Read more on Here’s A Few More Lefty Neil Young Songs For Donald Trump To F*ck Right Off To…
  Here have some news n stuff

Of Course Fake ‘Black’ Lady Will Get Reality TV Show Now, Because America

Ready for her close-up
In our noble and oh-so-exceptional country, panels of men explain how ladies and their parts work, “not a scientist” politicians teach us about science and how it’s all fake anyway, and people who think we’re the U.S. of Jesus tell Jews how to be do Being A Jew correctly. So this sounds about right and exactly what we deserve. Black-but-actually-not Rachel Dolezal — who identifies as black because she really hates whitey (read: her parents, and they’re not the boss of her!) — can’t be president of the Spokane chapter of the NAACP anymore, so maybe she can be a reality TV star! It is the career choice for anyone who has failed at reality life. (See, for example, every reality TV star ever.) Read more on Of Course Fake ‘Black’ Lady Will Get Reality TV Show Now, Because America…
  Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump!

Here Are 12 Of The Stupidest Things Ever To Come Out Of Donald Trump’s Mouth Hole

This is what Donald Trump looks like when he's about to Say A Smart.
Hurray, Donald Trump has finally given America Donald Trump what America Donald Trump has always wanted, by running for president of the United Trumps States of Trump America. Since he is perhaps the most ridiculous person to pretend to run for president since the last time he pretended to run for president, we figured why don’t we all sit around the fireplace (probably built by Donald Trump) and tell some funny stories about the dumbest things Trump has ever said, kinda like we would do if he was dead. Let’s go! Read more on Here Are 12 Of The Stupidest Things Ever To Come Out Of Donald Trump’s Mouth Hole…
  live from new york

Donald Trump Farts Out Yoogest, Classiest Presidential Campaign Announcement, From His Butt

On the scene with Wonkette!
Decrepit sewer vulture Donald Trump finally answered our years of prayers to the comedy gods by announcing he will run for president in 2016. The mogul-shaped puddle of feral rat spooge made the announcement from the yoogest, classiest skyscraper ever constructed by man, Trump Tower in New York City. And yr Wonkette, tired of summering in Connecticut like a drunken dilettante in a Cheever story, thought attending this laugh-fest would be a nice way to spend a morning. Come, let us squint through the glare of the Trump Tower lobby’s miles of marble and gold flake together. Read more on Donald Trump Farts Out Yoogest, Classiest Presidential Campaign Announcement, From His Butt…
  Yooooooooooge news!

Donald Trump Puts A Ring On It (‘It’ Being America; ‘Ring’ Being The Kind For Your Penis)

It’s all happening! Our wildest, craziest, YOOOOGEST dreams have come true, even though we were quite sure they would not. But they have! Donald “Donald Trump” Trump is running for president of U.S. America. Read more on Donald Trump Puts A Ring On It (‘It’ Being America; ‘Ring’ Being The Kind For Your Penis)…
  You can put it on your tits too if you have some of those!

Get Your Sexy Bernie Sanders T-Shirts Now, To Put On Your Dadbod!

YUP.
At the end of May, we made a big announcement, and it was that Wonkette husband Shypixel had designed a crazy sexy cool new Bernie Sanders 2016 T-shirt, and that you could pre-order them, to put on your body parts. Well guess what? THEY ARE HERE NOW! And you can see that they are here, because look at that picture, that is Shy, and he is wearing the T-shirt, on his dadbod, which he just renewed for another million years, by doing the sperm to Editrix Becca that caused her to have a baby Thursday night! Read more on Get Your Sexy Bernie Sanders T-Shirts Now, To Put On Your Dadbod!…
  Give until it hurts.

It’s A Nice Day For A Wonkette Online Baby Shower! Your Weekly Top Ten.

Nothing cuter in the world than the newborn baby burrito. NOTHING.
WONKETTE HAD A BABY, WONKETTE HAD A BABY, WONKETTE HAD A BABY. Hey, did you hear Wonkette had a baby? As you read this, Ms. Donna Rose, daughter of yr Editrix Rebecca and her dashing pixel husband Shy, is on her third full day of being a fully formed, bee-yootiful babby, and her Wonkette uncles and aunt could not be more excited. Read more on It’s A Nice Day For A Wonkette Online Baby Shower! Your Weekly Top Ten….
  DEAR PREZNIT DUMBASS

Wonkette Writes Wingnut Letters To President Obama, About How He Is A Idiot

President Obama did a big interview with the “Extra” teevee program, and told correspondent Jerry Penacoli that he responds to ALL the letters his people bring him, even when it’s just wingnuts writing in to say, “You Are A Idiot.” The president said he tries to “address their concerns,” but considering the “concerns” people have about this president, we wonder what does he say to them? When they call him A Idiot, does he call them A Idiot back? Read more on Wonkette Writes Wingnut Letters To President Obama, About How He Is A Idiot…