Tag Archives: Donald Trump

  Toupee or Not Toupee

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Donald Trump Has A YOOGE Offer You Can’t Refuse

Who wore it better? Greetings, Compatriots! Welcome again to the Snake Oil Bulletin, your weekly roundup of the latest in hoaxes, pokeses, and Presidential jokeses this side of the Mississippi. We’ve got a jam-packed agenda to get through today, so let’s start with a story about a great American — no, the GREATEST American — who ever lived in America, this land of opportunity, in which a small boy born into incredible wealth can gain even more incredible wealth and go on to be the voice of America, for the America, to Make America Great Again. America, YOU’RE FIRED!! But also America. Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Donald Trump Has A YOOGE Offer You Can’t Refuse…
  Gotcha questions

Sarah Palin Knows Donald Trump’s Favorite Bible Verse Is ALL OF THEM KATIE

Rage buddies
Oh look, there was a Friday evening entertainment shitshow, and it was Sarah Palin interviewing Donald Trump, obviously because she wanted to meet her one of her favorite hero P.O.W.’s. And there’s so much goodness in this interview, and so many bowls of word salad, from BOTH of them, but OUR favorite part is when they did Bible trivia. See, the mean liberal gotcha journalists have been doing mean liberal gotcha questions at the Donald, over which verse of the Bible he hearts the best. This is a fair question because A., he is running as a Republican, and it’s virtually required for all candidates’ REAL running mates to be Jesus, and 2., he said the Bible is his favorite book. Like, he said those words, with his vagina mouth. And also, clearly, he is the most luxurious, terrific-est Christian ever. Read more on Sarah Palin Knows Donald Trump’s Favorite Bible Verse Is ALL OF THEM KATIE…
  Celebrities! They're just like us! They have nipples!

A Thoughtful Soliloquy On Miley Cyrus, Her Nipples, And Also Donald Trump’s Nipples

BOOBIES!
Haha, made you click, we don’t have a “thoughtful soliloquy” to share with you. OR DO WE? Let’s give it a whirl. Miley Cyrus went on the Jimmy Kimmel teevee fun hour and, as usual, she was all nekkid. But of course, her nipples were covered! Because, as she explained to Jimmy Kimmel, who was doing his very best to keep his eyes somewhere near her face, America has a weird problem with the nipples, at least on ladies! Oh sure, boys are allowed to walk around shirtless and show their nipples and that’s fine, but ladies can’t, BOOOOO. But, weirdly enough, Miley points out that everybody is okay with seeing sideboob and underboob and all of the other boob parts, just not nips. DOUBLE NIPPLE STANDARD! Read more on A Thoughtful Soliloquy On Miley Cyrus, Her Nipples, And Also Donald Trump’s Nipples…
  That we know of

The Seven Best Times Jeb Bush Embarrassed His Mother This Week

Just Jeb!
Just Jeb! Oh, that Jeb Bush! He is literally THE WORST at running for president of America. It’s like his entire life, he’s been living in the shadow of his dad and his brother, and he’s just really tired of how every single time he walks in the front door of the Kennebunkport manse, his mother Barbara drops her polite demeanor, stands up on the dining room table and starts flapping her arms yelling “LOSER! LOSER! SHOULDA BEEN AN ABORTION!” And Jeb’s all like “NOT AGAIN MOM!” but she can’t hear him because she’s cracked herself up so hard she’s looking for an inhaler. Read more on The Seven Best Times Jeb Bush Embarrassed His Mother This Week…
  declar...(hic)...ations

Peggy Noonan Talked To Guy Who Works At A Deli And Now Donald Trump Is President

I talked to him! He’s Spanish and I talked to him! Normally she hated August, that dull end-of-summer month when the heat and humidity turned her beloved New York City into a sweltering abattoir of rancid piles of garbage and demolished dreams. When the light at the end of the tunnel was the reflection off the Freedom Tower frying pedestrians on the sidewalk. When the bartenders at her favorite saloons sweated more than the bottles. Read more on Peggy Noonan Talked To Guy Who Works At A Deli And Now Donald Trump Is President…
  deep thoughts

Sarah Palin Says Donald Trump Is Jesus, Basically

We already know Donald Trump makes Sarah Palin so moist in her granny panty g-string, because of how he is a hero, a gen-u-ine hero just like John McCain, only without the going to war. And we know that Donald Trump thinks Sarah is “tough and smart and just a great woman,” and he’d like to tap her in her moosehole — metaphorically, of course — and let her be the Secretary of Quittin’ Stuff, or maybe even scrawl her name in lipstick on his ballot to be his vice Trump, if we are that lucky. Read more on Sarah Palin Says Donald Trump Is Jesus, Basically…
  Resign Already

Screw You Guys, Gov. Paul LePage Gonna Go Be A Senator Now

Stupider things have happened
Stupider things have happened. Like his reelection. Maine Gov. Paul LePage has apparently not been paying attention to all the mail requesting that he resign, but he does at least have some thoughts about leaving office eventually. Like maybe he’ll run for the U.S. Senate in 2018 against mustache model and independent Sen. Angus King, a thought that LePage had floated before, only to proclaim that he was joking. But maybe this time he’s serious. Or MAYBE HE’S “JOKING” AGAIN, you simply cannot tell with Paul LePage, who is a Jedi with an unknowable mind. Or undetectable, maybe that’s it. In any case, it’s good to see he’s given some thought to what he’ll do after he’s impeached. Read more on Screw You Guys, Gov. Paul LePage Gonna Go Be A Senator Now…
  Profiles in Courage

Donald Trump Takes Bold Stand Against Hitler

Take THAT, Adolf! Would ya check out the big beautiful balls on this guy? No wonder Republicans love Donald Trump for being willing to make with the tough talk that all those other “gutless” candidates are too afraid of: Read more on Donald Trump Takes Bold Stand Against Hitler…
  Making America Grate Again

Donald Trump Fanboy Can’t Believe Univision Anchor Even Allowed In White People’s America

That's one Ugly American there
So here’s a charming addendum to Tuesday night’s Donald Trump presser in Dubuque, Iowa, when the Human Flannel Moth deported Univision news anchor Jorge Ramos for being out of line. Once Ramos was out in the hallway, an as-yet unidentified Trump wannabee decided that it was time to give the veteran newsman a good talking-to. Not that the guy knew Ramos was a veteran newsman; all he could see was an uppity foreigner who needed to “go back to Univision.” Read more on Donald Trump Fanboy Can’t Believe Univision Anchor Even Allowed In White People’s America…
  Wow So Yooge. Much Classy. Wow.

Trump Shows America How He Will Deport Mexicans, On Live TV!

Simian challenge display #6
Donald Trump won himself even more love from the We Hates Foreigns crowd Tuesday as he ignored questions from Univision news anchor Jorge Ramos at a press event, told him to go back where he came from (Univision), and had a security guard escort Ramos from the room. After a while, Ramos was allowed back in; while Trump talked over and avoided answering Ramos’s questions, at least he ignored the man face to face. We can hardly wait for President Trump to address the United Nations and tell the delegates to go the hell back to whatever stupid countries they came from, because nobody’s ever even heard of them. Read more on Trump Shows America How He Will Deport Mexicans, On Live TV!…
  Clash Of The Titans

Fox News Dudes Being Total Girls About Donald Trump’s Sexism

Two minds with but a single thought
Two minds with but a single thought Oh, golly goodness, it would appear that there is once again discord in the House That Ailes Built. After taking a brief vacation, Fox’s Megyn Kelly returned to the network Monday night, and Donald Trump drunk-tweeted a bunch of mean stuff about her. (We are not accusing Mr. Trump of being a drunkard, of course — we know he only drinks at church. We just assume that anyone on Twitter is drunk, because it is Twitter). Read more on Fox News Dudes Being Total Girls About Donald Trump’s Sexism…
  It's on his hat

Republicans Plotting To Take Away Your Freedom To Make America Great Again

It’s not just a hat — it’s a plan! Everyone knows the Demoncrat Party is the party of Latino vote frauding and election rigging — usually with mind control. So here’s a neat twist! This time, it’s Republicans who want to rig the next election in a certain way, and that way is to keep the name DONALD J. TRUMP off their primary ballots: Read more on Republicans Plotting To Take Away Your Freedom To Make America Great Again…
  Oooh snap!

Donald Trump Finds New Creative Way To Pick On Poor Stupid Jeb Bush

The true face of feminism.
Clearly not a fence We are having ourselves a glorious time watching Donald Trump beat the ever-lovin’ guano out of “low energy” weak-ass whimpering coward man-child Jeb Bush, are we not? It’s enough to make you almost feel sorry for poor Jeb, who has proven that he is so jaw-dropping terrible at running for president, we have collectively agreed that drooling idiot Big Brother Dubya, who sometimes forgets to chew his food before he swallows it, is the smart one after all. Read more on Donald Trump Finds New Creative Way To Pick On Poor Stupid Jeb Bush…
  Mom burns

Donald Trump To Jeb Bush: YOUR MOM!

Smile and remember you're not good enough, son.
Smile and remember you’re not good enough, son. Oh, now this is just sad, even sadder than the last time we said something was sad about Jeb Bush, like last week. Donald Trump has noticed that Barbara Bush doesn’t seem to be be all that jazzed about being Jeb Bush’s mom, and Trump’s using it against him. Trump’s new ad is just an interview with Mother Superior, where in response to “Would you like to see him run?” she simply says, “No, I really don’t. I think it’s a great country, there are a lot of great families, there are just just other people out there that are very qualified, and we’ve had enough Bushes.” SICK MOM BURN. Read more on Donald Trump To Jeb Bush: YOUR MOM!…
  Biggest Christian Ever. Just The Best

Donald Trump Bravely Says ‘Christmas,’ Even In Alabama

Donald Trump meets an anchor baby
Donald Trump meets an anchor baby While he was in Alabama getting white people excited this weekend, Donald Trump took a few minutes to assure an Alabama radio show host that nobody — NOBODY — will be a greater President of Christmas than Donald J. Trump. Trump told host Cliff Sims Friday that he actually goes out of his way to say “Christmas,” despite the many dangers of doing so, because, as he explained, “I’m a big believer in the Bible,” a book Trump has recently made a point of saying is even better than Trump’s The Art of the Deal, by Donald Trump, which must make it a pretty terrific book, although he has yet to refer to any of its contents. Read more on Donald Trump Bravely Says ‘Christmas,’ Even In Alabama…
  Make America Great Again Before It's Too Late

Donald Trump Gives YOOOGE Boner To Stupid Racist Americans

You know you want it Donald Trump held a rally in Alabama on Friday, a real classy event, the biggest one yet, with tens of thousands of people in attendance, all of them terrific — even the one dude at the rally who shouted “White power!” Because if there’s one place in U.S. America where you should be able to proudly express yourself, even if your self is a white supremacist dickbag in Mobile, Alabama, it’s definitely at a campaign event for the presidential candidate who claims in every speech, “It turned out I was right” to accuse Mexico of importing rapists and murderers to America, all the time, every day, because someone is doing the raping, and, Trump has insisted, it’s not him. Read more on Donald Trump Gives YOOOGE Boner To Stupid Racist Americans…