Tag Archives: Donald Trump

  i've got a bridge to the future to sell you

Donald Trump Has Campaign Fever And You’ll Never Guess The Prescription

We shoulda listened to him. Again.
Who’s the soulless puffy prick who will primary those other dicks in 2016? Trump! You’re damn right. (But probably not.) According to Donald Trump, Donald Trump is looking to get back in the presidential campaign game. And this time he’s totally, 100%, cross-his-heart-hope-to-die-but-still-have-his-epidermis-cryogenically-frozen serious about it. Read more on Donald Trump Has Campaign Fever And You’ll Never Guess The Prescription…
  eat the rich

Hero Hilton Heir Is Emperor Of All He Surveys, Also: Arrested

He looks like this probably
Terrible news on the social justice front: A young man was arrested and shackled just for exercising his First Amendment rights to free speech. Sort of: Paris Hilton’s younger brother Conrad has appeared in court after allegedly becoming enraged on a British Airways flight from London to Los Angeles, calling passengers “peasants” and making children cry. […] Read more on Hero Hilton Heir Is Emperor Of All He Surveys, Also: Arrested…
  we never drew first but we drew first blood

Florida Supreme Court To Consider Whether Buttsechs Is Sex: Your (Sexy!) Florida Roundup

Meth is a helluva drug
Greetings, Wonketeers, from the Sunshine State, where it’s presently 70 degrees and there’s nary a cloud in the sky — enjoy your digging out, New England — which almost makes up for us being America’s Yellow Skittle. Almost. Read more on Florida Supreme Court To Consider Whether Buttsechs Is Sex: Your (Sexy!) Florida Roundup…
  Papa Bear versus Mama Grizzly

Bill O’Reilly And Sarah Palin Engage In War Of Wits. Both Lose

Sore loser, winner, whatever
Who would win a battle o’ the brains: Bill O’Reilly or Sarah Palin? Ha, that’s a trick question because the correct answer is “Who cares? Just pass the popcorn!” The other day, Bill O’Reilly, winner of all the Very Serious Journalism awards, reported that lol, a bunch of doofus idiots are pretending to maybe run for president in 2016, like Sarah Palin and Donald Trump and Chris Christie, who apparently is as absurd a maybe-candidate as Palin and Trump, though we’re not sure how that works since Christie at least has a real job, but OK, why not? Read more on Bill O’Reilly And Sarah Palin Engage In War Of Wits. Both Lose…
  Take that haters

Donald Trump: Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump. TRUMP!

He's got his eye on you now, NYP
Fact: Donald Trump gave the very bestest speech at the Iowa Freedom Summit over the weekend. How do we know that’s true? Because Donald Trump says so, duh, even though the New York Post is spreading vicious lies, which we know are vicious lies because Donald Trump said so about that too: Read more on Donald Trump: Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump. TRUMP!…
  Trump/Thing On Trump's Head 2016!

President Trump Recalls How Easy Beating Obama Was In 2012

The yoogest, classiest President
Donald Trump was in Iowa this weekend making noises from his mouth hole about the possibility that he will keep talking forever about running for president, and people at Steve King’s CrazyRama actually applauded him. We can understand that, because as we believe we have pointed out, they are crazy. Less explicable is the fact that the Des Moines Register, an actual journalistic newspaper enterprise, asked Trump to sit down for an interview just like he was a real political candidate or something! Read more on President Trump Recalls How Easy Beating Obama Was In 2012…
  It's the Derp-Derpiest Time Of The Year

Iowa Freedom Summit To Gather Most Of America’s Rightwing Idiots In One Place

Bachmann kept trying to get the Riddler into Conversion Therapy
Oh, dear lord, Iowa is going to be like a superdense mass of Dumb this weekend, as Rep. Steve King and Citizens United host the “Iowa Freedom Summit” — kind of a Moronic Convergence of rightwing political hacks all coming together to hang out with the man who proclaimed that DREAM Act kids were mostly “drug mules with thighs calves the size of cantaloupes” [how quickly we forget!] and who fretted about the president hosting a “deportable” at the State of the Union. Read more on Iowa Freedom Summit To Gather Most Of America’s Rightwing Idiots In One Place…
 

How Dumb Is My State? (Very Dumb): Your Florida Roundup

rick scott
Florida? Floriduh, am I right? (I am right.) Greeting, Wonketeers, from the Sunshine State, aka everyone’s favorite phallus, aka America’s after-school special, home to Viagra-fueled, syphilitic octogenarians and Midwest transplants and New York Jews and Cuban ex-pats and megachurches and Key West buttsexxxers and hanging chads and gun-toting rednecks and snowbirds and face-eating zombie men and maybe-rapey sportsball stars and failing schools and theme parks and charlatans and beaches and George-motherfucking-Zimmerman, all governed by a twice-elected con artist who looks like this guy and wants to be this guy. Read more on How Dumb Is My State? (Very Dumb): Your Florida Roundup…
  Here have some news n stuff

Donald Trump Will Sue The Sh*t Out Of You, All Of You, Everywhere, Shut Up Is Why

He will make a YOOOGE deal outta anything
Donald Trump wants ALL the millions of U.S. American dollars because there are airplanes making airplanes noises in the privately owned sky over HIS mansion. True story! CNNMoney reports that Trump has filed a lawsuit against Palm Beach County, as well as Super Meanie Bruce Pelly, the local airport’s director, because Trump and his lawyers think the whole world is against him and he wants $100 million NOW: Read more on Donald Trump Will Sue The Sh*t Out Of You, All Of You, Everywhere, Shut Up Is Why…
  Here have some news n stuff

Take This Quiz To Find Out If You’re A Real Conservative Or A Stupid Liberal Who Hates America

How good do you heart America?
Ever wondered if you are a Smart Conservative or a total America-hating idiot? Probably not, but just in case you’re confused, the folks at the National Center for Public Policy Research — who, apparently, are not in any way kidding — have devised a super simple quiz for you to find out: Read more on Take This Quiz To Find Out If You’re A Real Conservative Or A Stupid Liberal Who Hates America…
  It’s like they think they’re black or something

Racist Obamas Try To Start Race War On Whitey By Talking About Being Black

always talking about race all the time
Ugh, the so-called “first family” is trying to start a race war — again! Like it’s not bad enough that President Obama is always injecting race into statements about how if he had a black son, his son would be black, which serves no purpose other than inciting White Man’s Fury on Fox News. Or how Michelle Obama has been injecting race into trying to keep our fat-ass kids from dropping dead from their strict diets of soda and cheesy poofs — by being black. Read more on Racist Obamas Try To Start Race War On Whitey By Talking About Being Black…
  Maybe they hate us for our stupid

Donald Trump And Fox & Friends: It’s Cool, Sydney Hostage-Takers, CIA Was ‘Just Following Orders’

YOOOOGE idiots
You may be aware of a hostage situation in a Lindt chocolate shop in Sydney, Australia. Because it appears to be politically motivated, and the gunmen have reportedly displayed an ISIS (or Muslim or Those People, who knows!) flag in the window, it is therefore the perfect opportunity for the idiots at Fox & Friends to invite Expert On All Things Donald Trump to explain this situation, and of course how it is further evidence that America now sucks, thanks a lot, Obama! Trump is an expert on Those People, and as the Fox hosts point out, he also lives near a Lindt chocolate shop. So he’s got that added personal insight. Read more on Donald Trump And Fox & Friends: It’s Cool, Sydney Hostage-Takers, CIA Was ‘Just Following Orders’…
  Yooge

Thing Atop Donald Trump’s Head Wants To Be President Of Facebook

Is there anything new to say about this asshole?
On the same day that Ohio Sen. Rob Portman dashed the dreams of tens of Americans with an announcement that he would not run for president, The Daily Beast tantalized us with the astonishing prospect that Donald Trump believes Donald Trump may just need to give serious consideration to running for the office of President of The Trump States of America. Read more on Thing Atop Donald Trump’s Head Wants To Be President Of Facebook…
  Thanks a lot ladies

Now It’s The Stupid Feminists Who Killed Michael Brown

The feminists did it, with their feminism
There is so much blame to go around for the death of Ferguson teenager Michael Brown. St. Louis prosecutor Bob McCullough said, when explaining why there was simply no reason at all to indict Officer Darren Wilson, that it was basically social media’s fault for saying things on The Twitters and posting pictures that were obviously not trustworthy because they were only pictures, and who you gonna believe, the cop who killed that kid or some obviously fake photographs? Read more on Now It’s The Stupid Feminists Who Killed Michael Brown…
  Why are we hating Obama today?

Donald Trump Demands To Know Why Obama’s Doing All That Thuggy Violence In Ferguson

They're just asking what no one's thinking
The brain trust that is Fox & Friends has a very important question for America: “Is Obama administration inciting violence in Ferguson?” The answer is yes, duh, that’s a rhetorical question, but let’s turn to YOOOOGE brain guy Donald Trump to further explain. With all hell breaking loose in Ferguson, Missouri, how can we blame this on President Obama? Trump knows just how! Read more on Donald Trump Demands To Know Why Obama’s Doing All That Thuggy Violence In Ferguson…
  Obama Also To Blame For Terrible Hairdo

Donald Trump So Mad Obama Ruined America For Black People

We shoulda listened to him. Again.
Photo by Gage Skidmore Donald Trump is a YOOOGE expert on many things — in fact, all the things — but one of all the things about which he knows more than anyone else is how President Obama turned our post-racial United States of Color-blind America into a cesspool of racial divide and hatred. Read more on Donald Trump So Mad Obama Ruined America For Black People…
  It's Like Sophie's Choice Met Dumb And Dumber

Donald Trump Will Either Run For President, Stay On Fox, Or Become Ballerina Princess Veterinarian

Why Not the Pest?
In what is undoubtedly the YOOGEST news since the last time Donald Trump said anything, Donald Trump hinted today on Fox & Friends that the situation in Washington has become so intolerable, what with the fraud and the lying and the dishonesty and the Obamacare that just doesn’t work and is based on a lie because a guy said so on video, that he, Donald Trump, just might have to become president to fix it. No, really, this time he means it: He is genuinely thinking that he should be President. Maybe not that he will actually run, because that is work, but he’s very happy to pretend that he faces some kind of Sophie’s Choice about doing weekly Fox & Friends visits or making a serious bid for office. Read more on Donald Trump Will Either Run For President, Stay On Fox, Or Become Ballerina Princess Veterinarian…
  Here have some news n stuff

Who Wants Open Interwebs? Oh, Just Everyone

This joke never gets old
Via Blurrent You’d think, from the reaction of certain especially loud dudes on the right, that President Obama’s support of net neutrality was like proposing Obamacare for the internet. Or even the Holocaust. But despite what a few blowhards on the, AHEM, internet say, even conservatives think net neutrality is a great idea, actually: Read more on Who Wants Open Interwebs? Oh, Just Everyone…
  Huh? What?

A Serious Critique Of Net Neutrality By Serious Donald Trump, Who Is Serious

Always confused, never in doubt
Ever since President Obama announced that he was going to socialize the interwebs — or as actual grown-ups call it, asking the FCC to reclassify broadband as a utility, thus ensuring net neutrality — the response from the right has been as thoughtful and reasonable as you’d expect from the party that has long opposed it. Read more on A Serious Critique Of Net Neutrality By Serious Donald Trump, Who Is Serious…
  Sweet Dreams And Flying Machines In Pieces On The Ground

Space Case Donald Trump Hates Private Enterprise Now

Burnin' out his fuse up there alone
An unmanned Antares rocket exploded seconds after liftoff from a facility in Virginia yesterday, with the total loss of a payload of food, water, and scientific experiments bound for the International Space Station. It was pretty spectacular: Read more on Space Case Donald Trump Hates Private Enterprise Now…
  Here have some news n stuff

One Guy In New York Has Ebola So You Can Totally Panic Now

Thanks Obama
That screaming hysteria you hear is the sound of everyone in New York being EXTREMELY TERRIFIED!!! or at least making jokes about being EXTREMELY TERRIFIED!!! because Ebola is real now. (You know the rule: It’s real when it happens in New York. The rest is prologue.) Read more on One Guy In New York Has Ebola So You Can Totally Panic Now…
  Here have some news n stuff

NFL Tried So Hard To Get That Video Of Ray Rice Beating His Lady, No Really (Not Really)

Too bad there's no video
The NFL is still trying to convince us that The Big Manly Powers That Be never would have defended Baltimore Ravens sportsball star Ray Rice after he knocked his woman OUT COLD in an elevator, if only they could have seen the video of him doing that. Not the abridged video that shows him dragging her unconscious body out of the elevator after the fact; that was inconclusive, and besides, everyone said they were sorry, so what more could anyone want? Read more on NFL Tried So Hard To Get That Video Of Ray Rice Beating His Lady, No Really (Not Really)…