Tag Archives: donald rumsfeld

  cold bloods

Donald Rumsfeld Refuses To Answer Whether Or Not He’s a Lizard Person

ARE DONALD RUMSEFELD AND DICK CHENEY LIZARD PEOPLE FROM OUTER SPACE WHO EAT HUMAN FLESH? For years, this is the one question the world has wanted to ask, as it is the only rational explanation for two beings that look human but in no way acted like it when they were in office. Yesterday, the world finally got its chance. Suspected lizard Donald Rumsfeld went on The Opie & Anthony Show to discuss his new book. Luckily for humanity, our greatest living stand-up comedian, Louis C.K., was also a guest, and he asked Rumsfelf point-blank if he is a lizard. Rumsfeld’s response? Some weird story about a guy buying him dinner that had nothing to do with the question. C.K. went on to ask the question a few more times during the interview, and specifically asked if Rumsfeld ate Mexican babies, but he wouldn’t even explain why he wouldn’t respond to the lizard question. The lizard question is first posed at the 2:37 mark in this video. After the interview, Louis C.K. supports his conclusion that Rumsfeld is obviously a space lizard. Read more on Donald Rumsfeld Refuses To Answer Whether Or Not He’s a Lizard Person…
  wonkette world o' books

Donald Rumsfeld Sad About Torture, Opponents of Torture

Are you a small business owner looking (now that our economy is in Recovery) to hire an actual destroyer of human beings for your growing Torture of Humans business? In today’s competitive atrocity market, run-of-the-mill teenage terrorists with their scrotum-fuses and YouTube videos probably won’t get the job done (though they are notoriously cheap workers). You’ll likely need a death-monster with exceptional organizational skills, a man who knows desks and flow charts as well as he knows piles of nekkid prisoners. Might your reviewer suggest Donald Rumsfeld, with his résumé/memoir Known and Unknown? He might. Read more on Donald Rumsfeld Sad About Torture, Opponents of Torture…
  better than holy water

Single Photograph Will Keep You From Ever Thinking About Sex Again

Do you have a “pretend sex addiction”? Or, if you’re lucky enough to occasionally be around people who drunkenly agree to have sex with you, do you lack interest in “real sex” because of the hot Internet trend of becoming physically numb/impotent when trying to make sexytime with an actual warm human body because of the inexhaustible supply of tawdry pornography on your iPhone, which you cannot stop looking at for even one minute? In other words, do you want an easy way to break yourself from the cripplingly awful tedium of Internet porn addiction? We have a solution for you, young people of America! No longer will you lose entire days of your “search for employment or a community college that will take you back” to the wickedness of free naked people pictures. Just bookmark the following image and click it whenever you’re tempted. Read more on Single Photograph Will Keep You From Ever Thinking About Sex Again…
  if i did it

Donald Rumsfeld: It’s Not My Fault

America’s Grandpa of Death Donald Rumsfeld is having his memoir published on Tuesday, serving as an addendum to George W. Bush’s book in that it has actual, alleged facts, opinions, and memories in it. So: Abu Ghraib? Not his fault, but he really wanted to resign over it and feels very emo that big meanie Bush wouldn’t let him. Initial troop levels? Not his fault, nobody in the military ever asked him for more troops. Guantanamo? Not his fault the jail existed, and actually he made sure there was less torture and fewer prisoners. Hmm, anything we’re forgetting here? Oh, that one war. What was it called again? Anyway, not his fault, Bush came to him about Iraq before the U.S. even invaded Afghanistan, but at the same meeting, he also talked about Rummy’s son’s drug addiction, so all Rummy could do was cry about that. Whoops! Read more on Donald Rumsfeld: It’s Not My Fault…
  it's morning in america

‘Cold Air Mass From Canada’ Attacks America, Never Forget

A devious “cold air mass” from Canada floated across our unprotected border and then proceeded to drop giant snow-dumps all over our great nation yesterday, forcing most Americans to abandon their SUVs on the highway and hike to the nearest toll station, so that they could eat the tollbooth lady for nourishment. First “Bieber fever,” and now this? Thanks, Canada. This winter terrorism attacked more than a third of The United States, from Maine to Dallas, which means the Super Bowl is canceled forever. (Fingers crossed.) Anyway, all this “cold” and “snow” proves Al Gore is a lying sack of shit, again! [NYT] Read more on ‘Cold Air Mass From Canada’ Attacks America, Never Forget… Read more on ‘Cold Air Mass From Canada’ Attacks America, Never Forget…
  international burn a memoir day

Do Not Read Donald Rumsfeld’s New Memoir

Donald Rumsfeld’s memoir will be published in January. Don’t read it: “Known and Unknown,” being published by Sentinel (an imprint of Penguin), refers to Rumsfeld’s explanation in 2002 for the lack of evidence that Iraq was supplying terrorists with weapons of mass destruction. Read more on Do Not Read Donald Rumsfeld’s New Memoir…
  rumors on the internets

Fox News Smells A Stinky Oil Conspiracy

Matt Yglesias is reaping the many benefits of “blogging whilst standing” — a yoga position championed by Donald Rumsfeld. [Matt Yglesias] A squadron of Eliot Ness Zombies raided a bar in Philly and confiscated a bunch of microbrew IPAs and a keg of Miller Genuine Draft Light 64. [Hit & Run] Read more on Fox News Smells A Stinky Oil Conspiracy…
  sad stories of failure

Bush Never Got To Name FedEx Guy As America’s Top Warlord

Have you read all of Karl Rove’s memoir Me, Poop, Trash, & Gargoyles and presented your findings to your fellow unemployment line decorations yet, at the Water Cooler? You have?? Lucky. Well then surely you remember the part where Rove reveals how George W. Bush kept trying to get Fred Smith, the FedEx shipping company CEO, to become Secretary of Defense constantly, because he was serious about wars and terror. Read more on Bush Never Got To Name FedEx Guy As America’s Top Warlord…
  rumors on the internets

Science: ‘Massaging Your Scalp With Cigarette Ash’ Might Be Ill-Advised

Aww, Jim Inhofe’s grandchildren built Al Gore a spacious snow cavern to live in! How did they know Al’s fursona was a “homeless but sensitive polar bear?” [Think Progress] Looks like it’s going to be another lonely, miserable Valentine’s Day, huh? Hey, why not fingerbang a heavily-discounted Newt Gingrich paperback from the NRO bookstore instead? Ships with a bottle of Newt’s famous pheromone cologne so you can set the mood! [The Corner] Read more on Science: ‘Massaging Your Scalp With Cigarette Ash’ Might Be Ill-Advised…
  oh boy

(Original) Douchey No-Name Bush Speechwriter In Cahoots With Donald Rumsfeld!

New information has arisen concerning former mid/lower-level no-name douchey excerpt-mongering George W. Bush speechwriter, the very smart conservative person Matt Latimer! Last week we examined the useless, exploitative heap of self-preserving, unconfirmable anecdotes he passed along to GQ to publicize the release of his douchey tell-all piece of crap book, Speechless, which chronicles the Bush Administration’s greatest failure of all: tainting this wide-eyed Michigan conservative’s idealism, with its embrace of PETTY WASHINGTON POLITICS! Poor Matt! We hope this shittily written after-the-fact account of nothing makes a lot of money for him; he’s suffered enough, having to work (= eavesdrop on private conversations) at that STUPID Bush White House for like two days… Anyway, that new information: so the guy who hired this punk at the White House has written an op-ed for the Wall Street Journal slamming Latimer and more or less calling him gay for Donald Rumsfeld. Read more on (Original) Douchey No-Name Bush Speechwriter In Cahoots With Donald Rumsfeld!…
  wonk'd

Backlog Wonk’d: Arlen Specter Watches The Baseball, Hitchens Enjoys Noel Coward, Tony Perkins Throws Off ‘Vibes’

What a fantastic spring it’s been in DC, what with the terrible muggy spell in early May, and now there’s nothing but terrible swampy grossness ahead! Fortunately, DC’s “celebrities” can be spotted both in- and out of doors, where they engage in elite activities such as air travel, grocery shopping, lunching, and even watching sports events. After the jump: Find out which famous politician hums loudly to himself in public bathrooms. Ever been waiting around to pick up your deli sandwich or your luggage or collect your mail or whatever, and you see some very put-together man or lady giving you the eye like they would like to take you up to Eliot Spitzer’s room at the Mayflower? It’s probably one of those terrible people you’ve seen on O’Reilly’s show talking about the sanctity of post-marital sex. Tell us about these encounters, and other more boring encounters please! Write to tips@wonkette with subject line “Wonk’d.” Read more on Backlog Wonk’d: Arlen Specter Watches The Baseball, Hitchens Enjoys Noel Coward, Tony Perkins Throws Off ‘Vibes’…
  it is true

Paultards Find Swine Flu/Rumsfeld Conspiracy Connection

The Daily Paul has WON THE AFTERNOON with this post, from yesterday, about how Donald Rumsfeld tried to make the 1976 Swine Flu an issue — INVENTED IT? — to win his boss, Gerald Ford, the presidency. Read more on Paultards Find Swine Flu/Rumsfeld Conspiracy Connection…
  wonk'd

Springtime Wonk’d: Washington Fancies Blooming Like Beautiful Crocuses

Now that the cold, snowy weather is over and Washingtonians can just parade around in the freezing drizzle, everybody from Jill Biden to a certain former presidential candidate are out doing “normal people” things such as shopping and driving. And and and! Some of these brave souls have even been spotted in other cities, such as exotic and far-flung Manhattan. Have you seen some person where you’re like, “Hey that is not a bad-looking person for their age, I wonder what is wrong with them on the inside,” and then you figure out they’re on TV all the time or they’re married to a politician? Well, there’s your answer. Email your story to tips@wonkette.com with subject line ‘Wonk’d’ to share your disappointment and misery. Read more on Springtime Wonk’d: Washington Fancies Blooming Like Beautiful Crocuses…
 

Bush Loves Him! Meet The Navy SEAL Special Ops Super-Spook

Hot, bald and stumpy Navy Rear Admiral Robert Harward is pulling a coup, thanks to our brave tribal leader George W. Bush. At the President’s recommendation, he’s jumping from one star to three-star vice admiral, a rare double promotion. How much enduring of freedom has Harward done to get such love from our beloved President? Why Harward, and not other SEALs such as crazed wrestler-governor Jesse Ventura or Vietnam killer of children and current New School president Bob Kerrey? Read more on Bush Loves Him! Meet The Navy SEAL Special Ops Super-Spook…
 

*ICE 9/11 STORM INJURES AMERICAN HERO:* “Defense Secretary Robert Gates fractured his right arm in a fall on an icy step at his home in Washington, D.C., and was treated Wednesday at Bethesda Naval Medical Center, the Pentagon said.” Too bad it wasn’t Donald Rumsfeld. Wait, who is Bob Gates? [AP/Yahoo] Read more on …