Tag: donald rumsfeld

Romney Talks War Stuff Without Actually Promising More Wars, What A Wuss

Oh, boy, a Republican presidential candidate just went to give a "major foreign policy address" to a military academy, which as we all know means a whole lot of highly explosive murder-death, for freedom, right? Well, sorry carnage lovers,...

Bored Condi Calls For Attacking Iran, Because What Else Is There To Do

America’s most lovable war criminal, Condoleezza Rice, likes only one thing more than hawking her new book, and that’s warmongering. So now that she’s been removed from the White House (too late), and is back to being a regular...

Charity Offering Veterans Chance To Strangle Donald Rumsfeld

We usually click "delete all" on the marketing press releases that flood the Wonkette Tips Line each day, but this Veterans Day Charity Auction thing to help veterans mauled and disfigured by Donald Rumsfeld's murderous oil-company wars sounded kind...

Betrayed Donald Rumsfeld Breaks Up With NY Times On Twitter

Donald Rumsfeld has a lot of old man angst these days, and of course the recent 9/11 anniversary did not help. He was crying in his room listening to the saddest Justin Bieber song there is, when he picked...

Hero Veteran Gets Court Permission To Sue The Pants Off Donald Rumsfeld

At some point during the Iraq War, the United States decided not only to torture and unlawfully imprison all the furriner brown people it could get its hands on; it also decided to start torturing and unlawfully imprisoning its...

Donald Rumsfeld Anally Probed By TSA

Forgotten war criminal Donald Rumsfeld was taking a flight back to one of his mansions for the weekend when he was apprehended and felt up by TSA slobs. This is kind of like Justice, minus the part where Donald...

Donald Rumsfeld On Facebook, Wants To Be On ‘America’s Next Top Model’

Donald Rumsfeld's long career of public service is over and now he, like any retired grandparent/war criminal, spends a lot of time on The Facebook. For example: "I met Tyra Banks last night in Hollywood. She probably wouldn't have...

Donald Rumsfeld Refuses To Answer Whether Or Not He’s a Lizard Person

ARE DONALD RUMSEFELD AND DICK CHENEY LIZARD PEOPLE FROM OUTER SPACE WHO EAT HUMAN FLESH? For years, this is the one question the world has wanted to ask, as it is the only rational explanation for two beings that...

Donald Rumsfeld Sad About Torture, Opponents of Torture

Are you a small business owner looking (now that our economy is in Recovery) to hire an actual destroyer of human beings for your growing Torture of Humans business? In today’s competitive atrocity market, run-of-the-mill teenage terrorists with their...

Single Photograph Will Keep You From Ever Thinking About Sex Again

Do you have a "pretend sex addiction"? Or, if you're lucky enough to occasionally be around people who drunkenly agree to have sex with you, do you lack interest in "real sex" because of the hot Internet trend of...

Remembering Our Fallen Week: America’s Favorite Corpse Turns 100

A hundred years ago, an angel was born on Earth. So this weekend, eat some jelly beans (get diabetes) in honor of Ronald Reagan. Egypt's tourism industry took a hit this week, for some reason. President Obama finally admitted...

Donald Rumsfeld: It’s Not My Fault

America's Grandpa of Death Donald Rumsfeld is having his memoir published on Tuesday, serving as an addendum to George W. Bush's book in that it has actual, alleged facts, opinions, and memories in it. So: Abu Ghraib? Not his...

‘Cold Air Mass From Canada’ Attacks America, Never Forget

A devious "cold air mass" from Canada floated across our unprotected border and then proceeded to drop giant snow-dumps all over our great nation yesterday, forcing most Americans to abandon their SUVs on the highway and hike to the...

Do Not Read Donald Rumsfeld’s New Memoir

Donald Rumsfeld's memoir will be published in January. Don't read it: "Known and Unknown," being published by Sentinel (an imprint of Penguin), refers to Rumsfeld's explanation in 2002 for the lack of evidence that Iraq was supplying terrorists with weapons...

Fox News Smells A Stinky Oil Conspiracy

Matt Yglesias is reaping the many benefits of "blogging whilst standing" -- a yoga position championed by Donald Rumsfeld. A squadron of Eliot Ness Zombies raided a bar in Philly and confiscated a bunch of microbrew IPAs and a...

Bush Never Got To Name FedEx Guy As America’s Top Warlord

Have you read all of Karl Rove's memoir Me, Poop, Trash, & Gargoyles and presented your findings to your fellow unemployment line decorations yet, at the Water Cooler? You have?? Lucky. Well then surely you remember the part where...