Tag Archives: donald rumsfeld

  Rectally Infused Excuses

CIA Chief: Torture Is Bad, We Shouldn’t Do It, Now Please Shut Up About It

It's an art, apparently
CIA Director John Brennan held a press conference today to respond to the Senate Intelligence Committee’s report on torture during the Bush administration, and he gave a very clear message: The CIA is good, torture is bad, it’s hard to say whether torture led to useful intelligence, but it definitely helped find Osama bin Ladin, and it was a long time ago so can we please just look to the future please? Read more on CIA Chief: Torture Is Bad, We Shouldn’t Do It, Now Please Shut Up About It…
  We Know Where The Lies Are: East West South And North Somewhat

Donald Rumsfeld Has Nothing To Say About Torture, But He’d Like Your Money

Maybe he can make this
Remember the good old days, of, say, 2004, before we knew for an absolute fact that our government was torturing the hell out of detainees? All we had then were rumors and some photographs and maybe some videos and some blown whistles about some “bad apples” — and a whole lot of denials from the Bush administration, who would never lie about anything, because “we don’t torture.” Read more on Donald Rumsfeld Has Nothing To Say About Torture, But He’d Like Your Money…
  mo money mo...oh just shut up

Josh Romney And Donald Rumsfeld Have Thoughts On Tax Day (They Are Giant Dicks About It)

Imagine you are Josh Romney. A couple of years ago your daddy ran for a big job, and that job was President of the United States. In the course of running for this job, quite a few people said mean things about Josh’s daddy, because that’s how political campaigns work. One of those people was Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who snickered and sneered that Josh’s daddy hadn’t paid a dime in taxes in ten years. So many people were stricken with the vapors over this brutal assault on Josh’s daddy’s integrity, which he could have easily cleared up by releasing those tax returns, as presidential candidates traditionally do. But he didn’t, because he had already released two years of returns, which should have been more than enough for you people. Then he went out on Election Day and got stomped like the Serengeti grasslands in an elephant stampede. Poor Josh’s daddy, left alone with just his wife and his five kids and his dozens of grandchildren and his multiple homes with elevators to carry his cars up and down and his hundreds of millions of dollars. That Harry Reid, he sure fights dirty! Being a boxer, he’ll throw a punch. Yesterday Josh Romney, having nursed his grievances for a year and a half, punched back. Read more on Josh Romney And Donald Rumsfeld Have Thoughts On Tax Day (They Are Giant Dicks About It)…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart On The Bush Torture Program: Cheney Lies, Rumsfeld Denies, Bush Makes Pretty Pictures

Here’s Jon Stewart with a discussion of the Senate’s report on the CIA’s “super-aggressive terrorist suspect spa treatments.” Hope he doesn’t get too emotional! Best line (we love spoilers), in response to Dianne Feinstein’s “This is not what Americans do”: Read more on Jon Stewart On The Bush Torture Program: Cheney Lies, Rumsfeld Denies, Bush Makes Pretty Pictures…
  unknown knowns that know knowns...oh screw it

Let Us Watch The Trailer For Errol Morris’s Documentary About Donald Rumsfeld And Seethe Together

I cut way back on my moviegoing at least a decade ago because after several years of living and working in Hollywood and seeing how the sausage gets made, so many movies filled me with an incandescent rage. So it will be nice to see a movie this April that fills me with incandescent rage for totally non-Hollywood-related reasons. Read more on Let Us Watch The Trailer For Errol Morris’s Documentary About Donald Rumsfeld And Seethe Together…
  apocalypse soon

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special We Are Terrible At Healthcare And Public Art Edition

Have you been reading a lot of smart takes, a lot of thinkpieces, about how much the computer-y part of the healthcare roll out sucks, and the gubmint should have magically figured out a way to sign up oodles of people who need to provide oodles of data and done so without any glitches in their website, because that’s a totes easy thing to do? Sure you have, but you probably haven’t read the New York Times version yet! Are you gonna read that article? Nah, because it is pretty much the same old same old. Many problems with the website. Many not enough monies to do this thing right. Many insurance executives having a sad. To all of this, we say: single payer, bitches. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special We Are Terrible At Healthcare And Public Art Edition…
  Neocon Math Lesson

Murderous Charlatan Donald Rumsfeld Still Terrible At Math

Here is a link to a video, since CNN’s embed code is totally borked, for anyone who cares what a disgraced and discredited old sociopath thinks about anything. It is your third most favorite unindicted war criminal, Donald Rumsfeld! He was on the teevee with smarmy phone-raper Piers Morgan, saying words about how scandals are bad. You do not have to watch this video because here are the best parts: Read more on Murderous Charlatan Donald Rumsfeld Still Terrible At Math…
  coincidence? we think not!

Fox News Finds Iraq’s Missing WMDs Right Where Saddam Hid Them, In Syria, Iran, Sudan, North Korea And Probably France

Ladies and gentlemen, our long national nightmare is over. Fox News “military analyst” retired Lt. Gen. Thomas McInerny has found the Weapons of Mass Destruction, and they are at points east, west, north and south of Syria, because why not. Also, the Russians helped hide them there, and (presumably) also in all the other countries we just happen to want to maybe invade right now, like probably Iran and North Korea and France, and no it is not at all “convenient,” hippie! Read more on Fox News Finds Iraq’s Missing WMDs Right Where Saddam Hid Them, In Syria, Iran, Sudan, North Korea And Probably France…
  Gettin the band back together

A Childrens’ Treasury Of People You Never Wanted To Think About Ever Again

Since this month marks the ten-year anniversary of the War to Soothe George W. Bush’s Daddy Issues, and because our blood pressure has not skyrocketed to the point where it blew out the cuff the nurse strapped around our arm at our last physical, your Wonkette thought it would be fun to take a look back at the architects of that colossal fuck-up. Who were these paragons of American exceptionalism, and what are they doing today? Living quiet lives of reflection and repentance? Working every day with the wounded veterans who are such a large result of their policies? Standing in the dock at the Hague? Committing seppuku, the ritual suicide by disembowelment practiced by Japanese samurai when they brought shame and dishonor upon themselves and their nation? To the Google! Read more on A Childrens’ Treasury Of People You Never Wanted To Think About Ever Again…
  patented management techniques

Romney Talks War Stuff Without Actually Promising More Wars, What A Wuss

Oh, boy, a Republican presidential candidate just went to give a “major foreign policy address” to a military academy, which as we all know means a whole lot of highly explosive murder-death, for freedom, right? Well, sorry carnage lovers, your 2012 GOP nominee isn’t the sort of guy who, say, makes up comical “Weird” Al-style song spoofs about dropping bombs on other countries and killing tens of thousands of people. Nope! You’re stuck with Mitt Romney, who comes from a modern-day executive class that believes the answer to everything is “leadership,” and that you can learn “leadership” by reading the executive summaries of all the terrible business books with “leadership” in the title, and that liberal weenies who’ve never run a business don’t understand “leadership,” and that what the world wants is more American “leadership,” from a real “leader,” Mitt Romney. “Fuck this noise,” you’re saying, “Who will America bomb, under President Romney? WHO?” Details after the jump, but … maybe nobody? BOOO. Read more on Romney Talks War Stuff Without Actually Promising More Wars, What A Wuss…
  where's the ball gag?

Bored Condi Calls For Attacking Iran, Because What Else Is There To Do

America’s most lovable war criminal, Condoleezza Rice, likes only one thing more than hawking her new book, and that’s warmongering. So now that she’s been removed from the White House (too late), and is back to being a regular old academic-type person, with a new book, what do you suppose she’s doing with all her free time? Why, warmongering, of course! Recently, for example, she called up an Israeli newspaper to demand that everybody attack and kill Iran. What could go wrong? Then she crapped on the Arab Spring for good measure. Read more on Bored Condi Calls For Attacking Iran, Because What Else Is There To Do…
  a very happy veterans day

Charity Offering Veterans Chance To Strangle Donald Rumsfeld

We usually click “delete all” on the marketing press releases that flood the Wonkette Tips Line each day, but this Veterans Day Charity Auction thing to help veterans mauled and disfigured by Donald Rumsfeld’s murderous oil-company wars sounded kind of special: “Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is auctioning the opportunity for a winning bidder and two guests to join him for a private lunch at his office in Washington, D.C. Secretary Rumsfeld will personally give the winner and guests a tour of his office after lunch, which contains memorabilia, historic photos and more.” So we just come up with the winning bid and then, say, let a bunch of Iraq/Afghanistan homeless veterans into Rumsfeld’s office to show their love? This is for a Good Cause! Read more on Charity Offering Veterans Chance To Strangle Donald Rumsfeld…
  relationship troubles

Betrayed Donald Rumsfeld Breaks Up With NY Times On Twitter

Donald Rumsfeld has a lot of old man angst these days, and of course the recent 9/11 anniversary did not help. He was crying in his room listening to the saddest Justin Bieber song there is, when he picked up his New York Times and began to read. He did not like the words that he saw on the page. Read more on Betrayed Donald Rumsfeld Breaks Up With NY Times On Twitter…
  justice report

Hero Veteran Gets Court Permission To Sue The Pants Off Donald Rumsfeld

At some point during the Iraq War, the United States decided not only to torture and unlawfully imprison all the furriner brown people it could get its hands on; it also decided to start torturing and unlawfully imprisoning its own citizens as well. Hooray for totalitarianism! During the war, Old Rummy Rum gave one of his most delicious, most favoritest “abduct and probe” orders for an Army translator working with the Marines, who was then held/molested/interrogated for nine months without charge and without being able to contact anyone.  After his release, this man decided he wanted to personally sue the hell out of Donald Rumsfeld for personally overseeing his illegal detention, to which we say, GOOD. Rumsfeld’s extracurricular torture projects, however, are something the roundtable of Nobama Knights feel obliged to defend. Luckily for the dignity of all humanity, one sane judge told the Obama administration to eff off: Read more on Hero Veteran Gets Court Permission To Sue The Pants Off Donald Rumsfeld…
  all grow'd up

Donald Rumsfeld Anally Probed By TSA

Forgotten war criminal Donald Rumsfeld was taking a flight back to one of his mansions for the weekend when he was apprehended and felt up by TSA slobs. This is kind of like Justice, minus the part where Donald Rumsfeld was tortured for sixty-two years and then thrown into the Lake of Fire. Because, of course, there is no actual Justice. How are the new teevee shows this summer? Is there one about baseball, or dragons? How are those? Read more on Donald Rumsfeld Anally Probed By TSA…
  good to see he's doing fine

Donald Rumsfeld On Facebook, Wants To Be On ‘America’s Next Top Model’

Donald Rumsfeld’s long career of public service is over and now he, like any retired grandparent/war criminal, spends a lot of time on The Facebook. For example: “I met Tyra Banks last night in Hollywood. She probably wouldn’t have to twist my arm to be a guest judge on America’s Next Top Model.” Yeah, Donald Rumsfeld made a career out of making poor decisions in the Middle East and torturing people, but his true love is FASHION. Also: “Believe it or not I just got an iPad. Now I need my 13 year old grandson to show me how to work it.” But Donald Rumsefeld isn’t just Fashion Grandpa. He is Fashion Grandpa With a Dark Past. So he’s posted a weird video Saddam Hussein gave him as a gift. Read more on Donald Rumsfeld On Facebook, Wants To Be On ‘America’s Next Top Model’…