Wonkette

Hot, bald and stumpy Navy Rear Admiral Robert Harward is pulling a coup, thanks to our brave tribal leader George W. Bush. At the President’s recommendation, he’s jumping from one star to three-star vice admiral, a rare double promotion. How much enduring of freedom has Harward done to get such love from our beloved President? Why Harward, and not other SEALs such as crazed wrestler-governor Jesse Ventura or Vietnam killer of children and current New School president Bob Kerrey? MORE »

*ICE 9/11 STORM INJURES AMERICAN HERO:* “Defense Secretary Robert Gates fractured his right arm in a fall on an icy step at his home in Washington, D.C., and was treated Wednesday at Bethesda Naval Medical Center, the Pentagon said.” Too bad it wasn’t Donald Rumsfeld. Wait, who is Bob Gates? [AP/Yahoo]

The era of Donald Rumsfeld is over. American troops in Iraq have the equipment, support and troop numbers they need to make the SURGE win even more. But our correspondent in Sadr City says that it’s the pwecious wittle “therapy dogs” that are winning the public relations war. Even Iraq mayor Osama bin Laden saw Shocky the Therapy Dog recently and immediately blew himself up over his schoolboy’s glee.

You’d think Donald Rumsfeld would know better than to go to the land of rabid Jerry Lewis fans, striped boating shirt aficionados and melty cheeses, but oh, no! He probably thought, “It’s Sarkozy’s town, now,” and, therefore, he’d be greeted as a liberator. Well, not exactly:

Former US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld’s jaunt to France was interrupted today by an unscheduled itinerary item — he was slapped with a criminal complaint charging him with torture.

Rumsfeld, in Paris for a discussion sponsored by the magazine Foreign Policy, was tracked down by representatives of a coalition of international human rights groups, who informed the architect of the US invasion of Iraq that they had submitted a torture suit against him in French court.

The filed documents allege that during his tenure, the former defense secretary “ordered and authorized” torture of detainees at both the American-run Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq and the US military’s detainment facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

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According to what will surely be an utterly insane Fox News documentary (Dick Cheney: No Retreat is the serious, no-foolin’ name), Vice President Gargamel disagreed with Bush’s decision to remove his buddy Donald Rumsfeld as Defense Secretary. Because Don was doing such a great job with the war, and oh, also because Don is the only reason Dick has reached his current position of ridiculous power. “I wouldn’t be where I am today if it hadn’t been for what Don Rumsfeld was willing to do,” Cheney told Fox, just in case we’d all forgotten how much we hate Don Rumsfeld. But, uh, we’re kinda confused. Because didn’t Rummy voluntarily resign? MORE »

This week, General Petraeus, James Carville, Wesley Clark, Donald Rumsfeld, Henry Kissinger, Sam Brownback, and Mary Cheney were all spotted being various degrees of famous at various places by our spies and operatives. Voyeuristic fun, as always, is after the jump.

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Cheney?

“I still see Cheney.” [GQ]

From GQ: “How about Colin Powell? Are you still close?

“‘No! We’re not close. Never were.’” [GQ]

“Rumsfeld said he couldn’t recall the last time he and the president spoke. Do you miss him? ‘Um, no,’ Rumsfeld said.” [AP/Yahoo]

Turns out Donald Rumsfeld, the worst Defense Secretary in the history of bad Defense Secretaries, even counting fictional ones, including whoever was Defense Secretary when Lex Luthor was President, and who resigned in disgrace the day after the 2006 midterm elections, actually resigned the day before the midterm elections. So we’re two days closer to winning in Iraq than we all thought! MORE »