Fancy this mystery from Alaska: as things stood before the election, recently convicted-on-seven-counts felon Ted Stevens was appropriately losing by 13 percentage points in The Polls; similarly corrupt (but so far unconvicted!) at-large Rep. Don Young was losing by 6.5; John McCain was ahead by 14 in the state; early voting in the state was shattering records; and hometown gal Sarah Palin was still all the national rage. Sounds about right, HEHNGNN? And yet Alaska now finds itself on the brink of re-electing Stevens; Young easily kept his seat; McCain won by 25 percentage points; and voter turnout somehow declined 11% since 2004, when there was no mention of Alaska in the news! HMM WEIRD HUH? Well, fear not, because the most important mammal since Abraham Lincoln, NATE “DOGG” SILVER, is going to nab the bastards with his KILLA TREND LINE REGRESSIONS and cold motherfuckin’ MATH LASER GLOCKS. Then he’ll launch those slimy pervs into space with a pop-gun because he can do that. [FiveThirtyEight, Andrew Sullivan]

Alaska Congressman and enemy to interns Don Young still loves his partner in corruption, Ted Stevens. This corrupt duo remembers being corrupt together ever since their corrupt days eating corrupt sandwiches with corrupt Richard Nixon and then corrupting each other’s wives: “I can remember Richard Nixon, you know, his years of service, what he’s done, and everybody [was] ridiculing him, and he ended up being the greatest president in the history of our century. … The Senator will be re-elected. He will appeal it. When he does go, he will win it because there’s no way this is a jury of his peers.” Much like corrupt Ted Stevens, corrupt Don Young will also lose his corrupt seat this year. [Roll Call]

Alaskan Congressman Don Young, whose wife is a leading advocate of Capitol Hill’s chattel slavery economy, has a new pet project: the interstate slave monkey trafficking business. Now many of you are French and liberal and probably assume this harbors racial connotations. Well you keep eating that cheese, Jacques, because we’re talking about actual slave monkeys and not America’s lovely black people. Back in June, see, the House passed legislation banning the interstate sale of monkeys. How idiotic — leave it to the United States Congress to ban the economy’s most important industry in the middle of a recession. On Tuesday, however, Congressman Young introduced a new piece of legislation to amend the overreach of the previous one: it would “allow for the interstate transfer of specifically trained capuchin monkeys, who help severely disabled people with daily activities.” MORE »

Alaska’s corrupt congressman-for-life Don Young is well known for his insane outbursts and being investigated by the Feds for being a bribe-taking crook, but did you know his wife is notorious for torturing her husband’s interns with weird foods? MORE »

Congressman Don Young and Senator Ted Stevens have faced more trials than Job this year, what with people insisting on investigating their alleged bribe-taking and use of their offices for personal gain and whatever. So mean! But, as a thank you for their years of dedicated service to the constituents and lobbyists that paid them enough, the House and Senate finally allowed them to get their “bridge to nowhere” in this year’s defense appropriations bill. And, by “nowhere” they mean Ketchikan (where Young’s son-in-law owns currently useless land) and by “bridge” they mean ferry to make the commute to Anchorage 15 minutes instead of 2 hours. Oh, ok, that makes it totally better this time! [Washington Post]

It seems like ages since Jack Abramoff and his BFF Bob Ney got sent to the slammer, which must be why Bush’s Department of Justice seems to have totally forgotten about Jacky-boy’s other crimes and bribe-takers, right? I mean, they’ve totally got, like, religious discrimination cases to prosecute and Democratic voter fraud to uncover and stuff, and that’s hard. But someone hasn’t forgotten about an incident at the end of the Clinton Administration in which Jacky was working to get these two boobs (Don Young of Alaska and Dana “Don’t Make Any Sudden Moves” Rohrabacher of California) to help him discredit a U.S. diplomat… on behalf of the country in which that diplomat was serving.

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Because we can never resist an opportunity to run a picture of the hottest Governor in all 50 states (and my total girl crush), the Washington Post is reporting that Alaska Governor Sarah Palin called Alaskan legislators back to Juneau for a special session to re-vote on an oil tax bill — those legislators that haven’t been convicted of or charged with taking bribes to pass the bill, that is. Oh, those innocent days when the scandals were all about money and power. Come and relive the early days of a scandal that may end up taking down a sitting U.S. Senator, after the jump.

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* Heard on the Hill: Former Jack Kingston spokesman starts media consulting firm, argues that politicians need to be more like Kid Rock… Anonymous wag sends out email from the made-up “House Select Committee on Global Warming, Energy & Happy Feet.” [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: There will be lots of political celebrities in Nancy Pelosi’s box tonight. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: New Rep. Paul Hodes is a kids band with his wife Peggo. The band is called “Peggosus.” … Here comes Henry Waxman’s kid to be a DC lobbyist! [Examiner]
* Under the Dome: Drudge overwhelms Senate website… Jon Tester tries to quiet the Senate, shouts “Have order in the House.” … Rep. Don Young: “”I am wearing this red shirt today; it’s the color of the bill that we are debating, communist red.” [The Hill]
* Shenanigans: Dem strategist Jack Quinn suffered a concussion after a skiing accident… Rep. Virginia Foxx sponsored a bill honoring Christmas tree sellers, owns a Christmas tree nursery. [The Politico]