Wonkette

An emotionally fragile Attorney General Michael Mukasey addressed audiences at the Commonwealth Club in San Francisco yesterday and nearly wept at the thought of the American government having its precious spying freedoms taken away. He also observed that Muslims, and not followers of a strict Protestant religious sect, deserve the government’s hairy eyeball. MORE »

Do you remember the “grunge music”? It was a short-lived variant of meathead stadium rawk featuring incoherent wails of discontent, terrible music and a sort of homeless-lumberjack-sasquatch costume. Nobody liked it. Anyway, one of the “grunge sensations” was called “Pearl Jam” which, we think, is some sort of piercing-salon slang for ejaculating on the neck of your “old lady” or something. MORE »

wonkette: ted kennedy’s bugging me.
wonkette: aren’t most of these people lawyers? aren’t they supposed to know how to actually question people?
operative: is he doing the ol’, “does this bother you? I’m not touching you…” trick?
wonkette: see, that I would like.
operative: did any of them actually practice law?
wonkette: Senatorial method of questioning someone: [talk for twenty minutes.] “What do you think of that, Mr. Attorney General?”
wonkette: AG: “Allow me to make two points: 1) Trust us! 2) I’m not at liberty to make point 2.”
operative: shouldn’t they be saying things like, “Or were you not aware, Mr. Attorney General, that Al-Qaeda is left-handed?!?”
wonkette: also, kennedy is just pretending he’s a Kennedy. He only pronounces it “Chahnce” like half the time.
operative: well, it’s hard to remember to be from Mass. and be incompetent at the same time…
wonkette: Sessions: “Nearly 3,000 people have no civil rights anymore. They’re no longer with us. Due to a terrorist attack.”
wonkette: ???
operative: so, wait, by taking just a few civil liberties from all citizens, can we restore all the civil liberties to people who died on 9/11? is it like the march of dimes?
operative: personally, I’d like to see Gonzalez play it like Jimmy Stewart…”I don’t have your rights; they’re in Bill’s house, and and in Ted’s house…”
wonkette: hearing Jeff Sessions say “hezbollah” makes it all worth while.
wonkette: “Hess Buh-LAHH”
wonkette: sounds like some sort of pork-based cajun dish
operative: mmm
operative: now I’m *really* hungry
wonkette: while you eat i will decide if i think edward james olmos or carlos mencia should play gonzales in the movie-of-the-week
wonkette: CHRIS COOPER-AS-BIDEN: Now I’m just a down-home country lawyer, but allow me to flash you a cock-eyed grin while I forget to ask you a question.” MORE »

Attorney General Gonzales considers FISA to be a living document, because we cannot possibly know the original intent of its drafters. MORE »