Tag Archives: doma

  Boo hoo

Supreme Court Losers Lose Their Sh*t Over Gay Marriage, And It’s Delightful

It's the end of the world! Except not
It turns out that not every single U.S. American is sexcitedly happy dancing because the Supreme Court confirmed that, per the Constitution, the Constitution is for everybody. Like, some of the justices on the Supreme Court (but not enough of them to matter, HAHAHAHA). Join us, as we read their word-weeping for their beloved institution of inequality, which is dead as fried chicken now, huzzah! Read more on Supreme Court Losers Lose Their Sh*t Over Gay Marriage, And It’s Delightful…
  Non Sequiturd

Sen. Tom Cotton Says Gays Should Be Glad They’re Not Hung

We could just drop gays on Iran. Or Tom Cotton.
Arkansas Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Logan Act) has just about had it up to here with people fussing about “religious freedom” bills in Indiana and Arkansas, when we have far more important fish to fry, like undercutting the President on nuclear negotiations with Iran. Or, probably, Benghazi (Never Forget!). Read more on Sen. Tom Cotton Says Gays Should Be Glad They’re Not Hung…
  Wonksplaining why making gay jokes about Schock IS TOO okay

How We Stopped Worrying And Learned To Love Gay-Baiting Aaron Schock

The internet is abuzz with the resignation of fresh-faced congressbottom Aaron Schock, mired as he has been in allegations of ethics violation after ethics violation after gay ethics violation. We are sure we will find out more in coming weeks about exactly why he resigned now, as things continue to fall out of the closets of his Downton Abbey office, and we will write words about it when that happens. Read more on How We Stopped Worrying And Learned To Love Gay-Baiting Aaron Schock…
  The '90s called and they want their dumb laws back

Ted Cruz Has Had It With You Federales Gaying Up Those Nice Straight Red States

He'll save you, red states!
You guys, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Not Gonna Be President) did not get the memo. You know the one. It reads “Hey, we’re all cool with gays doing marriage to each other now. Xoxoxo, Most of U.S. America.” Yeah, he didn’t get that. Read more on Ted Cruz Has Had It With You Federales Gaying Up Those Nice Straight Red States…
  Call of Fruity

Whoopsie! Nebraska Gun Humpers Accidentally Recognize Gay Marriage

The threat is real.
The Nebraska legislature, in its zeal to give as many guns to as many people as fast as possible, may have inadvertently left the Cornholer State vulnerable to the oncoming onslaught that is gay marriage, thanks to a bill that grants concealed carry permits to the spouses of current military members, who as you may know can be totally homo for each other now, ew! Read more on Whoopsie! Nebraska Gun Humpers Accidentally Recognize Gay Marriage…
  Stick to TED Talks

Sixth Circuit Strikes Down Gay Marriage For Stupid Reasons That Are Dumb

But we're leaving out The Gay, right? Right!
Well, looky here, the 6th Circuit Court of Appeals has decided to cram homophobia down everyone’s throats. Talk about judicial activism! In a 2-1 decision, the three-judge panel — with the dissenter writing a most epic dissent, but we’ll get to that — ruled in DeBoer v. Snyder that it is perfectly fine and legal, and probably also good for the children, to ban marriage equality in Michigan, Ohio, Kentucky, and Tennessee. The court uses a lot of fancy legal jargon like “strict scrutiny” and “rational basis review” and lots of citations to lots of cases to make it look like the judges are just doing their jobs, but when you cut out all of that lawtalk, the basic premise of the court’s decision to overturn the lower courts’ decisions is that, as judges, they cannot possibly decide whether it is constitutional to discriminate against gay people for being gay. What are they — judges? Read more on Sixth Circuit Strikes Down Gay Marriage For Stupid Reasons That Are Dumb…
  What do you think this is -- America?

Oh Great, Now Everyone In America Wants To Get Gay-Married

America
This is exactly what the protectors of traditional American marriage warned us about. (Not traditional Biblical marriage, where old-timey dads in olden times sold their daughters to their rapists, because come on, that’s ridiculous.) You let one lady have some “rights” just because the Constitution says she should have them, and before you know it, all these other Americans start demanding rights too, and the Supreme Court is all, “Sure, why not, leave us alone,” and then all of a sudden, EVERYBODY wants the same rights: Read more on Oh Great, Now Everyone In America Wants To Get Gay-Married…
  clip and save!

Here Is Your Helpful Post About Gay Marriage And Federalism, Just Like You Always Wanted

You know that we are very public service minded here at Wonkette, which is why we’re bringing you this handy-dandy column that you can cut out and put in your wallet for the next 1001th time that some idjit tries to explain to you that they don’t really hate the gays, but they just don’t see a need for gay marriage because you can totally just make a contract for all the rights marriage confers upon you. Next time that happens, and it will happen, because there is no known cure for terminal stupid, just whip this bad boy out and show ’em whatcha got. Read more on Here Is Your Helpful Post About Gay Marriage And Federalism, Just Like You Always Wanted…
  once more unto the breech

Peggy Noonan Stares Into Her Highball Glass, Wonders What Is Becoming Of America, Guzzles Highball

The winter had driven her crazy. All these snowstorms, all these months and months trapped in her home, barely able to go outside into the streets that the terrible Communist mayor refused to plow, all those days on her own because the snow prevented her man-servant from journeying to the Upper East Side from the tenement room he shared with eighteen relatives in the Bronx. “I am sorry, Meesus Noonan,” he whined plaintively when he called from the pay phone in the hallway, the sounds of mariachi music and gunfire mingling in the background. “The buses, they do not run. I cannot walk all that way to you for we have no heat and I have lost all feeling in my toes. Perhaps a raise, so I could buy a space heater for my family…” The air in her apartment had grown musty and stale, the alarmed squawking of the Fox News hosts emanating from her television had become white noise. The terrible Moor still occupied the White House and a plague of liberalism had descended upon the land, blanketing it like Hirohito’s Imperial Army rolling through Manchuria. All was darkness! All was despair! What was left for a leading intellect of the conservative movement but to be really really snarky about it? Read more on Peggy Noonan Stares Into Her Highball Glass, Wonders What Is Becoming Of America, Guzzles Highball…
  that's so gay

Texas Congressman Takes Backdoor Approach To Screwing Gays

Marriage is the most sacred institution of all the institutions ever instituted by god and America’s Founder Jesus “Whitey” Christ exactly 6,000 years ago. Unfortunately, members of the Grand Old Party are looking to limit the federal government’s recognition of some marriages, specifically those that involve an excessive number of dicks and those that contain no dicks at all. Texas’s Rep. Randy Weber (R-Dick) is leading the charge to “prevent the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages for couples who live in states that do not permit these unions,” according to The Hill. We here at Wonket are disappointed in such a RINO approach to gay marriage. If Weber really cared, he would be pushing for a Constitutional Amendment totally disenfranchising Americans instead of this bullshit piecemeal approach to disenfranchisement.  Read more on Texas Congressman Takes Backdoor Approach To Screwing Gays…
  still illegal in virginia

The Thirteen Greatest Achievements In Throat Cramming Of 2013

Like most years when there’s a Democrat in the White House, 2013 was a year of things getting rammed, crammed, jammed, shoved, and/or forced down our (America’s) throats. How big were the things? So big. Were they hard to swallow? Oh yes. But somehow, freedom will endure, we guess. Here is a list of 13 tyrannies that made patriots gag in 2013: Read more on The Thirteen Greatest Achievements In Throat Cramming Of 2013…
  fight for your right to discriminate

Patriotic Senators Boldly Stand Up For Oppressive Religious Majority What Wants To Be Anti-Gay

You know what sucks about being an American? When the big bad government steps in and says that you have to treat all people the same, even if they are not like you. First, they came for our lunch counters, and now they are coming for our discrimination against gays. Luckily, there are some patriotic senators who think this whole “all men created equal” thing has gone too far, and are willing to stand up for your god-given mandated right to discriminate against things you find icky. Sen. Mike Lee (R-UT) has introduced a bill that, according to ThinkProgress, “guarantees that businesses and even government employees can refuse to recognize a same-sex marriage and discriminate against anybody who engages in premarital sex.” It’s about time someone stood up for the oppressed Christianist majority, who keep on being persecuted by being forced to follow the same law as everyone else, like they are not even special or set apart or anything! Let’s same-sexplore.  Read more on Patriotic Senators Boldly Stand Up For Oppressive Religious Majority What Wants To Be Anti-Gay…
  derp and taxes

Missouri Wingnut Wants To Impeach Governor Over Gay Tax Returns: No Taxation Without Procreation

In the never-ending quest to protect the sanctity of marriage, and more importantly, the rule of law, Missouri state Rep. Nick Marshall is fixin’ to impeach Governor Jay Nixon for the high crime of signing an executive order that will let same-sex married people file joint state tax returns. Missouri doesn’t allow gay marriage, of course, but since the Supreme Court threw out DOMA, Missouri couples married in other states will now be able to file a joint Federal 1040. Since Missouri law requires anyone filing a joint Federal return to file jointly on their state taxes, Nixon directed the Department of Revenue last week to allow the change, saying that “accepting the jointly-filed state tax returns of all legally-married couples who file Federal returns is the only appropriate course of action, given Missouri statutes and the ruling by the U.S. Department of Treasury.”* Not so fast with all this sodomy-based paperwork, says Rep. Marshall! For heaven’s sake, if teh gheys can file a joint return, what’s to stop joint filings from a man and a velociraptor, huh? Also, INPEACH! Read more on Missouri Wingnut Wants To Impeach Governor Over Gay Tax Returns: No Taxation Without Procreation…
  everything turning up rainbows for gaymerica

Brave, Totally Not Homophobic Oklahoma Senator Fights For Equality Of Straight Soldiers

Gays have it so easy, man. They can marry in 13 states, people – THIRTEEN! That’s as many as were originally in America when Jesus walked across the Atlantic Ocean to found this nation! And they can serve openly in the military, no longer having to fear being outed as they risk their lives in bullshit wars that we fought ’cause of daddy issues. But it seems that the gays are never satisfied, and keep wrangling for special benefits because they are so privileged. Well, one brave senator is sick and tired of all the special benefits that the LGBTQMORELETTERS community continue to get in America, and he is not going to take it anymore! Per ThinkProgress: Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-OK) blasted a proposed Pentagon policy aimed at giving same-sex couples the time to travel to states where they can legally marry on Thursday. YES! Anger at the military for policies about teh gheys!! This is just the kind of outreach envisioned after a crushing 2012 electoral defeat where 95% of gays voted for that effeminate Obama character! Let’s gaysplore what has Inhofe’s panties in a totally-not-gay wad.   Read more on Brave, Totally Not Homophobic Oklahoma Senator Fights For Equality Of Straight Soldiers…
  letters of derp

Man Who Survived Seeing A Lesbian On Food Network Corrects One Noun, Remains Defiantly Butthurt

In a Very Special Episode of Deleted Comments of the Day, we bring you a couple of comments from Mr. Austin Ruse, the subject of our July 2 story about how the Food Network violently assaulted his eyeballs and earholes with a shocking depiction of two lesbians standing in a kitchen. Mr. Ruse is the chair of something called the “Catholic Family and Human Rights Institute,” which has been saving the American family from the United Nations since 1997. Mr. Ruse writes with an important correction to our story! It seems that RightWingWatch’s transcript of Ruse’s radio rant contained an egregious error! Details, corrections, and an abject notpology after the jump! Read more on Man Who Survived Seeing A Lesbian On Food Network Corrects One Noun, Remains Defiantly Butthurt…