Tag Archives: doma

  Wonksplaining why making gay jokes about Schock IS TOO okay

How We Stopped Worrying And Learned To Love Gay-Baiting Aaron Schock

The internet is abuzz with the resignation of fresh-faced congressbottom Aaron Schock, mired as he has been in allegations of ethics violation after ethics violation after gay ethics violation. We are sure we will find out more in coming weeks about exactly why he resigned now, as things continue to fall out of the closets of his Downton Abbey office, and we will write words about it when that happens. Read more on How We Stopped Worrying And Learned To Love Gay-Baiting Aaron Schock…
  The '90s called and they want their dumb laws back

Ted Cruz Has Had It With You Federales Gaying Up Those Nice Straight Red States

He'll save you, red states!
You guys, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Not Gonna Be President) did not get the memo. You know the one. It reads “Hey, we’re all cool with gays doing marriage to each other now. Xoxoxo, Most of U.S. America.” Yeah, he didn’t get that. Read more on Ted Cruz Has Had It With You Federales Gaying Up Those Nice Straight Red States…
  Call of Fruity

Whoopsie! Nebraska Gun Humpers Accidentally Recognize Gay Marriage

Choo choo!
The Nebraska legislature, in its zeal to give as many guns to as many people as fast as possible, may have inadvertently left the Cornholer State vulnerable to the oncoming onslaught that is gay marriage, thanks to a bill that grants concealed carry permits to the spouses of current military members, who as you may know can be totally homo for each other now, ew! Read more on Whoopsie! Nebraska Gun Humpers Accidentally Recognize Gay Marriage…
  Stick to TED Talks

Sixth Circuit Strikes Down Gay Marriage For Stupid Reasons That Are Dumb

But we're leaving out The Gay, right? Right!
Well, looky here, the 6th Circuit Court of Appeals has decided to cram homophobia down everyone’s throats. Talk about judicial activism! In a 2-1 decision, the three-judge panel — with the dissenter writing a most epic dissent, but we’ll get to that — ruled in DeBoer v. Snyder that it is perfectly fine and legal, and probably also good for the children, to ban marriage equality in Michigan, Ohio, Kentucky, and Tennessee. The court uses a lot of fancy legal jargon like “strict scrutiny” and “rational basis review” and lots of citations to lots of cases to make it look like the judges are just doing their jobs, but when you cut out all of that lawtalk, the basic premise of the court’s decision to overturn the lower courts’ decisions is that, as judges, they cannot possibly decide whether it is constitutional to discriminate against gay people for being gay. What are they — judges? Read more on Sixth Circuit Strikes Down Gay Marriage For Stupid Reasons That Are Dumb…
  What do you think this is -- America?

Oh Great, Now Everyone In America Wants To Get Gay-Married

Have fun biting your nails
This is exactly what the protectors of traditional American marriage warned us about. (Not traditional Biblical marriage, where old-timey dads in olden times sold their daughters to their rapists, because come on, that’s ridiculous.) You let one lady have some “rights” just because the Constitution says she should have them, and before you know it, all these other Americans start demanding rights too, and the Supreme Court is all, “Sure, why not, leave us alone,” and then all of a sudden, EVERYBODY wants the same rights: Read more on Oh Great, Now Everyone In America Wants To Get Gay-Married…
  clip and save!

Here Is Your Helpful Post About Gay Marriage And Federalism, Just Like You Always Wanted

You know that we are very public service minded here at Wonkette, which is why we’re bringing you this handy-dandy column that you can cut out and put in your wallet for the next 1001th time that some idjit tries to explain to you that they don’t really hate the gays, but they just don’t see a need for gay marriage because you can totally just make a contract for all the rights marriage confers upon you. Next time that happens, and it will happen, because there is no known cure for terminal stupid, just whip this bad boy out and show ‘em whatcha got. Read more on Here Is Your Helpful Post About Gay Marriage And Federalism, Just Like You Always Wanted…
  once more unto the breech

Peggy Noonan Stares Into Her Highball Glass, Wonders What Is Becoming Of America, Guzzles Highball

The winter had driven her crazy. All these snowstorms, all these months and months trapped in her home, barely able to go outside into the streets that the terrible Communist mayor refused to plow, all those days on her own because the snow prevented her man-servant from journeying to the Upper East Side from the tenement room he shared with eighteen relatives in the Bronx. “I am sorry, Meesus Noonan,” he whined plaintively when he called from the pay phone in the hallway, the sounds of mariachi music and gunfire mingling in the background. “The buses, they do not run. I cannot walk all that way to you for we have no heat and I have lost all feeling in my toes. Perhaps a raise, so I could buy a space heater for my family…” The air in her apartment had grown musty and stale, the alarmed squawking of the Fox News hosts emanating from her television had become white noise. The terrible Moor still occupied the White House and a plague of liberalism had descended upon the land, blanketing it like Hirohito’s Imperial Army rolling through Manchuria. All was darkness! All was despair! What was left for a leading intellect of the conservative movement but to be really really snarky about it? Read more on Peggy Noonan Stares Into Her Highball Glass, Wonders What Is Becoming Of America, Guzzles Highball…
  that's so gay

Texas Congressman Takes Backdoor Approach To Screwing Gays

Marriage is the most sacred institution of all the institutions ever instituted by god and America’s Founder Jesus “Whitey” Christ exactly 6,000 years ago. Unfortunately, members of the Grand Old Party are looking to limit the federal government’s recognition of some marriages, specifically those that involve an excessive number of dicks and those that contain no dicks at all. Texas’s Rep. Randy Weber (R-Dick) is leading the charge to “prevent the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages for couples who live in states that do not permit these unions,” according to The Hill. We here at Wonket are disappointed in such a RINO approach to gay marriage. If Weber really cared, he would be pushing for a Constitutional Amendment totally disenfranchising Americans instead of this bullshit piecemeal approach to disenfranchisement.  Read more on Texas Congressman Takes Backdoor Approach To Screwing Gays…
  still illegal in virginia

The Thirteen Greatest Achievements In Throat Cramming Of 2013

Like most years when there’s a Democrat in the White House, 2013 was a year of things getting rammed, crammed, jammed, shoved, and/or forced down our (America’s) throats. How big were the things? So big. Were they hard to swallow? Oh yes. But somehow, freedom will endure, we guess. Here is a list of 13 tyrannies that made patriots gag in 2013: Read more on The Thirteen Greatest Achievements In Throat Cramming Of 2013…
  fight for your right to discriminate

Patriotic Senators Boldly Stand Up For Oppressive Religious Majority What Wants To Be Anti-Gay

You know what sucks about being an American? When the big bad government steps in and says that you have to treat all people the same, even if they are not like you. First, they came for our lunch counters, and now they are coming for our discrimination against gays. Luckily, there are some patriotic senators who think this whole “all men created equal” thing has gone too far, and are willing to stand up for your god-given mandated right to discriminate against things you find icky. Sen. Mike Lee (R-UT) has introduced a bill that, according to ThinkProgress, “guarantees that businesses and even government employees can refuse to recognize a same-sex marriage and discriminate against anybody who engages in premarital sex.” It’s about time someone stood up for the oppressed Christianist majority, who keep on being persecuted by being forced to follow the same law as everyone else, like they are not even special or set apart or anything! Let’s same-sexplore.  Read more on Patriotic Senators Boldly Stand Up For Oppressive Religious Majority What Wants To Be Anti-Gay…
  derp and taxes

Missouri Wingnut Wants To Impeach Governor Over Gay Tax Returns: No Taxation Without Procreation

In the never-ending quest to protect the sanctity of marriage, and more importantly, the rule of law, Missouri state Rep. Nick Marshall is fixin’ to impeach Governor Jay Nixon for the high crime of signing an executive order that will let same-sex married people file joint state tax returns. Missouri doesn’t allow gay marriage, of course, but since the Supreme Court threw out DOMA, Missouri couples married in other states will now be able to file a joint Federal 1040. Since Missouri law requires anyone filing a joint Federal return to file jointly on their state taxes, Nixon directed the Department of Revenue last week to allow the change, saying that “accepting the jointly-filed state tax returns of all legally-married couples who file Federal returns is the only appropriate course of action, given Missouri statutes and the ruling by the U.S. Department of Treasury.”* Not so fast with all this sodomy-based paperwork, says Rep. Marshall! For heaven’s sake, if teh gheys can file a joint return, what’s to stop joint filings from a man and a velociraptor, huh? Also, INPEACH! Read more on Missouri Wingnut Wants To Impeach Governor Over Gay Tax Returns: No Taxation Without Procreation…
  everything turning up rainbows for gaymerica

Brave, Totally Not Homophobic Oklahoma Senator Fights For Equality Of Straight Soldiers

Gays have it so easy, man. They can marry in 13 states, people – THIRTEEN! That’s as many as were originally in America when Jesus walked across the Atlantic Ocean to found this nation! And they can serve openly in the military, no longer having to fear being outed as they risk their lives in bullshit wars that we fought ’cause of daddy issues. But it seems that the gays are never satisfied, and keep wrangling for special benefits because they are so privileged. Well, one brave senator is sick and tired of all the special benefits that the LGBTQMORELETTERS community continue to get in America, and he is not going to take it anymore! Per ThinkProgress: Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-OK) blasted a proposed Pentagon policy aimed at giving same-sex couples the time to travel to states where they can legally marry on Thursday. YES! Anger at the military for policies about teh gheys!! This is just the kind of outreach envisioned after a crushing 2012 electoral defeat where 95% of gays voted for that effeminate Obama character! Let’s gaysplore what has Inhofe’s panties in a totally-not-gay wad.   Read more on Brave, Totally Not Homophobic Oklahoma Senator Fights For Equality Of Straight Soldiers…
  letters of derp

Man Who Survived Seeing A Lesbian On Food Network Corrects One Noun, Remains Defiantly Butthurt

In a Very Special Episode of Deleted Comments of the Day, we bring you a couple of comments from Mr. Austin Ruse, the subject of our July 2 story about how the Food Network violently assaulted his eyeballs and earholes with a shocking depiction of two lesbians standing in a kitchen. Mr. Ruse is the chair of something called the “Catholic Family and Human Rights Institute,” which has been saving the American family from the United Nations since 1997. Mr. Ruse writes with an important correction to our story! It seems that RightWingWatch’s transcript of Ruse’s radio rant contained an egregious error! Details, corrections, and an abject notpology after the jump! Read more on Man Who Survived Seeing A Lesbian On Food Network Corrects One Noun, Remains Defiantly Butthurt…
  they will know we are christians by our hate

Tony Perkins Calls Anti-Discrimination Laws ‘Religious Persecution’ Because He Is A Terrible Person

Tony Perkins, head honcho at the Family Research Council, is a terrible human being. In fact, he may not be human. We are guessing he was projectile vomited from the rubbish-filled gut of a hate-filled demon and sent to earth to punish us for the amusement of the Greek gods, or something. What asinine hate-filled lies is he spewing now? After DOMA was repealed by SCOTUS, Perkins went on teevee to torture the eardrums of innocent Americans everywhere, saying: “We’re already seeing bakers and florists and photographers forced to participate in same-sex marriages under the threat of law and in some cases even jail.” Is that so, Mr. Perkins? Politifact decided to fact check you, because you are a known liar and bigot and awful demon-vomit life form. What did they find? We didn’t find cases where people were forced to participate against their will. However, if vendors refuse service, there are consequences. There are 21 states that forbid discrimination based on sexual orientation. Vendors who refuse service there could face legal actions and fines. The “jail” part of Perkins’ claim is an exaggeration. We couldn’t find any evidence that a vendor had been sent to jail or that any legal authority had threatened jail time. What is this country coming to when we think that discrimination is against the law? Can’t we go back to the good old days when businesses can refuse service to Irish Italians Catholics Jews Blacks Gays without Big Government trampling all over their freedom? This deserves a wonksplanation.  Read more on Tony Perkins Calls Anti-Discrimination Laws ‘Religious Persecution’ Because He Is A Terrible Person…
  feds with benefits

Nice Time: Enjoy This Completely Routine Federal Memo That Treats Benefits For Gay Spouses As The Boring Thing They Now Are

Hope you’re all sitting down, kids, because after all the fear and terror and panic in the streets, here is the true face of gay marriage: The memo from the U.S. Office of Personnel Management (OPM), explaining how the gummint will start implementing federal benefits for same-sex spouses of federal employees. And it’s just full of terrifying, society-wrenching… uh… explanations of how to apply for stuff that is exactly like the stuff that opposite-sex spouses already have. We’re pretty sure that lurking somewhere in the talk of pay periods and deadlines, there’s a plot to criminalize Christianity. Hmmmm…”Open Enrollment,” for instance! That sounds pretty licentious! Read more on Nice Time: Enjoy This Completely Routine Federal Memo That Treats Benefits For Gay Spouses As The Boring Thing They Now Are…
  muppet of a man or a very manly muppet?

Why Must Terrible New Yorker Cover Infantilize This Important Moment In History With Gay Muppets?

Hey, New Yorker! Why did you have to go and RUIN FREEDOM for LGBT America today? Of course, we already know, thanks to K-Lo and New Republic, that your Bert-n-Ernie cover has destroyed childhood forever, but in the interests of equal time whining, how about the important cultural perspective of scolds on the left, hmmm? For instance, how about overinflated ego zeppelin Tyler Coates, who considers the cover “infantilizing and offensive”? Or Slate’s June Thomas, who says it’s a “Terrible Way to Commemorate a Major Civil Rights Victory”? These serious objections to frivolity must be given their due, because god knows, celebrating should be solemn business that does not stoop to pop-culture tomfoolery! Read more on Why Must Terrible New Yorker Cover Infantilize This Important Moment In History With Gay Muppets?…
  i think i blue myself

Bryan Fischer Tries This ‘Sarcasm’ Thing, Suffers Only Minor Injuries

Oh, golly, kids, we think the SCOTUS decisions throwing out DOMA and Prop 8 may have actually broken poor Bryan Fischer. Just look at the sorry mess he threw up on the American Patriarchy Association’s blog Thursday. See, he’s going to really rip on those liberal Justices, using their own twisted sick logic to expose their hypocrisy once and for all: Observers have yet to recognize the obvious: the liberal justices on the Supreme Court are a batch of homophobic bigots who harbor malice in their hearts toward homosexuals. This is evident based on their very own reasoning. In the DOMA ruling, they made it clear that every member of Congress who voted for DOMA, and the Democrat president who signed it into law, denied special rights to homosexuals for one reason and one reason only: their mean-spirited intent to “disparage,” “injure,” “degrade,” “demean” and “humiliate” homosexuals. What the what? OH, we GET IT, Bryan, the Court only threw out DOMA, but since they didn’t rule that Gay Marriage is now allowed — no, mandatory – in all 50 states, they are, by their own logic, big ol’ gay-haters! Oh, gosh, you sure did expose the hypocrisy of the Court’s majority there! Read more on Bryan Fischer Tries This ‘Sarcasm’ Thing, Suffers Only Minor Injuries…
  poor. baby.

NRO’s Kathryn Jean Lopez Simply Does Not Care For The New Yorker’s Sodomite Muppets

You’re on the computer! Have you seen this wonderful New Yorker cover? We mean before right now? Well, National Review Online’s Kathryn Jean Lopez has, and she has summed it up with the two most trenchant, insightful words anyone could have in these Times of Despair. Her entire post is a picture of the cover (above!) and the headline Innocence. Lost. (Well, okay, and then the fragment “The new cover of The New Yorker:” — but still!) But what were some other two-word posts K-Lo could have wrote in its place? Let’s. Explore. Read more on NRO’s Kathryn Jean Lopez Simply Does Not Care For The New Yorker’s Sodomite Muppets…
  can we get a ruling on whether it was germane?

Pennsylvania Rep Shuts Gay Democrat’s Mouth For Him

Sup Pennsylvania? Oh, you were just there in your legislature, having your regular old “let’s all get up and jaw about something,” like US House members get to do for the CSPAN cameras when everyone else has gone home for the night, and some GAY tried to talk about the Supreme Court and DOMA? Well, we surely do hope someone shut his mouth for him, for Jesus. Praise the lord, our prayers were answered! Newsworks reports that a gay Dem (as if that is not redundant), Rep. Brian Sims, was trying to stand up and yak and yak about equality, or love, or freedom, or, we don’t know, a HISTORIC SUPREME COURT DECISION that AFFECTS LOTS OF MERKINS, when a True Patriot objected to his remarks, and so Sims was allowed the opportunity to not talk anymore! It takes just one legislator to end the impromptu remarks. Rep. Daryl Metcalfe was one of the House Republicans who objected. “I did not believe that as a member of that body that I should allow someone to make comments such as he was preparing to make that ultimately were just open rebellion against what the word of God has said, what God has said, and just open rebellion against God’s law,” said Metcalfe, R-Butler. Two more Democratic legislators got up to speak in support of Sims. Neither was allowed to proceed. Read more on Pennsylvania Rep Shuts Gay Democrat’s Mouth For Him…
  At Least They Don't Wear Wigs

Antonin Scalia’s New Judicial Philosophy: Us And What Army?

Here’s a thing Justice Scalia said during oral arguments on the constitutionality of the Affordable Care Act (AKA B. Hussein Soetoro’s Diktat on the Punitive Application of Collectivist Death Panels v. Bald Eagle) that is quite typical of him: “An equally evident constitutional principle is the principle that the Federal Government is a government of enumerated powers and that the vast majority of powers remain in the States and do not belong to the Federal Government. Do you acknowledge that that’s a principle?” A better question might be: Does Scalia? We are just asking because he did not mention this “principle” in his petulant dissent, best read in hisses, (pdf) in United States v. Windsor, the case where Justice Kennedy bestowed his Federal Dignity upon the gays. It’s kind of weird that Scalia didn’t bring this up, seeing as endlessly grumbling “Where in the Constitution does it say ____?” is pretty much his entire judicial philosophy. Read more on Antonin Scalia’s New Judicial Philosophy: Us And What Army?…
  fail

See The Amazing SF Chronicle Front Page That Accidentally Forgot About Gay Marriage! (Update!)

So here is the San Francisco Chronicle’s front page for today. (It is in “print,” a thing where they put “ink” on “paper.”) You can look and look, but you will not find a story about “gay marriage” on it, in the paper of record for the city so gay Nancy Pelosi’s staffers all wear assless chaps, because BART is ONE STEP CLOSER to a WALKOUT! What are those little top stories above the A-1, for the world and nation fronts? They are: “Australia,” “Africa Trip,” “Filibuster Star,” “Death Penalty,” and “Ancient Horse.” Okay, so they must have covered it below the fold, right? Read more on See The Amazing SF Chronicle Front Page That Accidentally Forgot About Gay Marriage! (Update!)…
  We can haz traditional terrorist

Screw The Gay Stuff: Sarah Palin Fights To Uphold Sanctity Of Traditional Terrorism

While we here in the librulsphere have not yet finished dancing on the graves of DOMA and Prop 8 and lulzing with Nancy at the tears of Michele Bachmann and all the other butthurt conservatives who are rending their garments and crying SO hard because when Jesus said love thy neighbor, they think he stage-whispered “except the gay kind,” some conservatives have a different reaction. That is, none at all. Nope. Nothing. Nada. Gay marriage, you say? Nah, never heard of it. No evil chuckling from Pat Robertson. No whining from Rick Man-on-Dog Santorum. Why, it’s almost as if they are too busy curling up in the fetal position somewhere dark, mumbling argle bargle (that’s an official Supreme Court term, natch!) about Jesus and end times and shit. But never fear, the half-term governor is here to word salad at us! Just, you know, not about that. Read more on Screw The Gay Stuff: Sarah Palin Fights To Uphold Sanctity Of Traditional Terrorism…