China to sell off its dollar reserves, causing a worldwide crash in the value of the U.S. dollar, making U.S. exports cheaper and thus reinvigorating the moribund American manufacturing sector, and setting the stage for a new chapter of economic prosperity! Or maybe we’ll all be eating beans out of cans over trash fires instead. [Telegraph]

First came the staggering news that new U.S. dollar coins were minted without the crucial “In God We Trust” slogan — a painful acknowledgment that God had quit blessing America and America had quit trusting God.

Now there’s even spookier news: A couple in Denver came across a new dollar coin with no president’s face or anything, really, on either side of the coin. How did they even know it was a dollar coin and not the Lost Treasure of the Knights Templar or something? Probably because they went to the bank and specifically asked for the shiny new U.S. coins; people will apparently run out and buy whatever new coin gets made, in hopes that it will be fucked up and they can sell it on eBay for $300.

And that’s sort of what happened to our treasure-hunting couple, who we’ll meet after the jump.

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While you’re not really working and getting ready for the Jesus’ Special Day, people who Hate Our Freedoms (TM) around the world are plotting against Washington. And it’s working. Expect a Great Depression by Super Bowl Sunday: MORE »