Tag Archives: doj

  Maybe there IS somethin' to see here

Justice Department Looking Into Why Baltimore Police Department Is So F*cked Up

She'd like a word with you, Baltimore
Our new (finally) Attorney General Loretta Lynch has been on the job for all of five seconds, but she’s already making it clear she will carry out Eric Holder’s secret plan to reverse-racism race war America. Lynch announced on Friday that the Department of Justice’s Civil Rights Division is opening an investigation into the Baltimore Police Department, because Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake asked her to (or maybe the secret race war thing): Read more on Justice Department Looking Into Why Baltimore Police Department Is So F*cked Up…
  Molotov!

Loretta Lynch Is Finally Your New Attorney General, IMPEACH!

Now the evil scheming begins
Well, that wasn’t so hard! After waiting for a nearly record-setting 166 days to be confirmed, Loretta Lynch was finally sworn in as U.S. Attorney General by Vice President Joe Biden, who presumably saved his congratulatory groping for after the ceremony. Read more on Loretta Lynch Is Finally Your New Attorney General, IMPEACH!…
  Probably no blow allowed either

Party Pooper Eric Holder Reminds DOJ Staff They Cannot Have Sexy Funtimes With Hookers, Unfair!

Fun's over, fellas
Attorney General Eric Holder is supposed to not even BE THERE anymore, but until Republicans confirm his replacement — no rush, guys, really — he’s going to oppress America, and the employees of the Department of Justice, SO HARD: Read more on Party Pooper Eric Holder Reminds DOJ Staff They Cannot Have Sexy Funtimes With Hookers, Unfair!…
  don't let the door etc.

Just About Every White Person In Ferguson Resigning For Being A Racist Disgrace

Looks like the end of Close Encounters, only with tear gas.
The fallout continues in the city of Ferguson, Missouri, following the Justice Department’s report on how the city pretty much ran its police force as a revenue-collection operation aimed at transferring money from black citizens to the city’s general fund. On Wednesday, Chief of Police Thomas Jackson announced, “with profound sadness,” that he is resigning, effective March 19. Read more on Just About Every White Person In Ferguson Resigning For Being A Racist Disgrace…
  Not even poetic justice

Scumbag Deadbeat Ferguson Judge Resigns To Spend More Time Not Paying His Taxes

The face of shame
Ronald J. Brockmeyer is the municipal judge in Ferguson, Missouri, who up until about five minutes ago had the nasty habit of tossing the local non-white poors in debtors’ prison for failing to pay their traffic tickets and other minor fees and fines, while, gosh, he was busy fixing his own traffic tickets for himself and his buddies. As one does if one is an actual scumbag, which the Justice Department’s report revealed Brockmeyer indeed is. And not just a scumbag, but a deadbeat scumbag who currently owes more than $170,000 in back taxes, like some kind of guy who doesn’t pay his debts and would probably get himself tossed in jail if he had the misfortune of appearing before a jerk-faced judge like, say, Ronald J. Brockmeyer. Read more on Scumbag Deadbeat Ferguson Judge Resigns To Spend More Time Not Paying His Taxes…
  Misdemeanor? He hardly knew her

General Petraeus Pleads Guilty To Being Too Sexy For His Pants

Totally worth it
Great All-American Hero War-Winnin’ Savior and former CIA director Gen. David Petraeus has admitted to pillow-talking classified information into his mistress’s ear, which is against the law, it turns out, who knew? But, despite our gleeful prediction in January that perhaps he would do some, uh, HARD time for betraying his country to get some strange, that won’t be happening because what is he, some kind of common criminal? Read more on General Petraeus Pleads Guilty To Being Too Sexy For His Pants…
  Can’t we put this behind us already?

Jackie Is Lying, So We Can All Stop Talking About Rape Now

Nothing to see here, move along
Image via Wikimedia Commons. Here is everything you need to know about rape: it all comes down to a woman named “Jackie.” Jackie may or may not be lying about being gang-raped at a fraternity at the University of Virginia. But if she is — and plenty of journalists are determined to prove that’s the case — then there’s no reason for us to talk about rape, or the rape problem at UVA, which is under federal investigation, or the rape problem on college campuses, or the rape problem in America. Because if Jackie is lying, none of that matters. Read more on Jackie Is Lying, So We Can All Stop Talking About Rape Now…
  Das Vote

Eric Holder Sending Black Panthers To Steal All The Elections Again

You can tell they hate America since they don't have guns
The Department of Justice is sending federal monitors to observe elections in 18 states, and the Wingnuttosphere is pretty darned cheesed about it, because this can only lead to tyranny and the UN taking over and — worst of all — black people voting, many of them as often as once!!! According to The Hill: Read more on Eric Holder Sending Black Panthers To Steal All The Elections Again…
  Anything To Distract From Benghazi

DOJ Will Probe Ferguson Police Department As Soon As Extra-Thick Rubber Gloves Arrive

Mailbox to testify in DOJ investigation
In news that proves once and for all that the Obama administration hates white people, the Department of Justice is launching a civil rights investigation of the Ferguson, Missouri, Police Department. This new investigation will go beyond the existing investigation into whether Officer Darren Wilson violated Michael Brown’s civil rights, what with all the killing of him to death. The DOJ’s civil rights division will look at the broader history of Ferguson’s Keystone Stormtroopers to determine whether there’s been a pattern of abuses, which of course there has been, but they’re going to do it all legal-like, instead of just reading the interwebs like a bunch of filthy bloggers. Wonder if they’ll find anything? We’re thinking that is just possible. For instance, there’s this, from the Washington Post: Read more on DOJ Will Probe Ferguson Police Department As Soon As Extra-Thick Rubber Gloves Arrive…
  Won't Someone Please Think of the Keychains?

U.S. Marshals Had Very Good Reasons To Buy $2 Million Worth Of Teddy Bears, Probably

Probably not licensed...yet
You know how Big Government is always wasting money on unnecessary crap like feeding children, keeping bridges from falling down, and inspecting meat? We know those things are wasteful, because Fox News tells us so. And now we learn that, before Tyrant Obama’s 2011 directive to cut down on funding for logo-embossed crap (which was loudly protested by the logo-embossed-crap industry), it turns out that the U.S. Marshals Service (USMS) managed to spend nearly $2 million on “promotional items” — really important things that advanced the mission of the USMS by making people aware of its existence, like poker chips, golf towels, pens, calendars and for all we know, logo-bedecked Personal Sanitary Supplies for the ladies and hula hoops for the kids. There was a bit of a News Flap last November when an initial report from the Justice Department’s Inspector General suggested that the USMS had blown over $800,000 on such useless promotional swag, but that report didn’t contain any details — so the nice folks at Muckrock did a Freedom of Information Act request for the invoices — and got 173 pages of documents detailing purchases of necessary promotional crap like stickers, lanyards, “challenge coins,” travel mugs, tee shirts, “Junior Deputy Badges,” mouse pads, and god knows what else. The total came to almost $2 million, including purchases for local and regional offices. Read more on U.S. Marshals Had Very Good Reasons To Buy $2 Million Worth Of Teddy Bears, Probably…
  won't someone think of the porn star moms?

Gun Dealers, Porn Stars & Payday Lenders: Darrell Issa’s Sexy Summer Break

If you are a DC politician, you are duty-bound to spend as much of the summer outside the city as possible. If you’re stuck in the swamp, you can at least take advantage of the hollowed-out Capitol and switch up your normal routine. Take a zealously investigated page from Republican Congressman Darrell Issa! In a change of pace after all that mikey-cutty stuff with Elijah Cummings (D-BADASS) during this spring’s comedic roast of Lois Lerner, Darrell is indulging in a little light summer outrage and sounding the alarm on the latest “unprecedented abuse of power”TM by the Obama-Industrial Complex. Darrell took a field trip to the Cato Institute for a show-and-tell about Operation Choke Point, a program at the Department of Justice that he says is limiting access to vital banking services, including funds transfer and credit card payment processing, for legal but “unpopular” businesses. Cato claims the DOJ is using Choke Point to harass gun dealers and porn stars, but we soon found out that none other than our most beloved American industrialists, the Koch brothers, could have their points choked at any moment. Read more on Gun Dealers, Porn Stars & Payday Lenders: Darrell Issa’s Sexy Summer Break…
  nice time!

US Department Of Justice Indicts Those Riddler And Penguin Dicks, Thanks Batkid!

The United States Department of Justice has some shit to say about the Riddler and the Penguin and how they are NOT AWESOME, and also how they are indicted, thanks Batkid! (Anyone who wants to bitch about how Eric Holder is trying to stave off impeachment will go to commenter jail, FOREVER. And if you want to get out, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.) Read more on US Department Of Justice Indicts Those Riddler And Penguin Dicks, Thanks Batkid!…
  self-inflicted derp

Darrell Issa Gets Dressed Down By Federal Court Judge For Being Stupid, Arrogant Whiny-Baby

If you woke up this morning and thought that there was a foul odor wafting through the universe, your senses were not deceiving you. Cosmic skidmark Darrell Issa (R-CA) is back in the news. This time it’s about his lawsuit against Attorney General Eric Holder and the whole Fast & Furious thingy. Apparently, Issa is acutely perturbed that his TWO-YEAR OLD lawsuit is hitting some roadblocks, per Slate: DOJ [The Department of Justice] asked the court to delay court proceedings, explaining that its appropriations had lapsed on Sept. 30, and that “Absent an appropriation, Department of Justice attorneys and employees are prohibited from working, even on a voluntary basis, except in very limited circumstances, including ‘emergencies involving the safety of human life or the protection of property.’” Well, this did not sit well with Issa, who filed a motion with the Court to make the DOJ keep working on this particular project, because… well, because Issa apparently doesn’t understand that when he votes to shut down the government, it means ALL the government, not just the parts he doesn’t like. Let’s see what a federal judge has to say.  Read more on Darrell Issa Gets Dressed Down By Federal Court Judge For Being Stupid, Arrogant Whiny-Baby…
  the voting whites act

Tyrannical Justice Department Will Sue To Force Its ‘Let Everybody Vote’ Agenda on North Carolina

The U.S. Department of Justice will sue to block North Carolina’s terrible new voter suppression laws, according to the Associated Press. Attorney General Eric Holder seems to think that even after the Supreme Court threw out part of the 1965 Voting Rights Act, the rest of it still remains in effect and the federal government has an interest in ensuring that blacks and poors can vote, so he will ram equality down North Carolina’s throat. Why is Holder so indifferent to the state legislature’s perfectly legitimate desire to engineer a voting advantage for the Republican party? Read more on Tyrannical Justice Department Will Sue To Force Its ‘Let Everybody Vote’ Agenda on North Carolina…
  Suuuuuper Niiiiiiice Time Man

Total Hippie Eric Holder Says Smoke ‘Em If You Got ‘Em, Washington and Colorado

Well, this is just about the nicest nice time we have ever had: The United States government took an historic step back from its long-running drug war on Thursday, when Attorney General Eric Holder informed the governors of Washington and Colorado that the Department of Justice would allow the states to create a regime that would regulate and implement the ballot initiatives that legalized the use of marijuana for adults. Now, now, stoners and stonerettes, don’t get too crazy with the cool buds, because the DOJ issued a memo explaining that it will still TOTALLY bust Washingtonians and Coloradotonians for stuff like “the distribution of marijuana to minors” and “the diversion of marijuana from states where it is legal under state law in some form to other states.” Read more on Total Hippie Eric Holder Says Smoke ‘Em If You Got ‘Em, Washington and Colorado…
  important supreme court decisions

Devil Cuts Down Jesus Cross In Mojave National Preserve

The Supreme Court and the Obama Administration and the Troops/Veterans and Jesus all got together to try to keep an illegal goddamned religious statue in Mojave National Preserve, but guess what? The Devil is stronger, because He Is Legion, and the dumb/hideous Mojave Cross Made of Plumbing Pipe was cut down by Heroes and now the Baby Jesus cries. This is actual breaking news, right now, and it’s especially hilarious because there are no reporters within a hundred miles of the actual Scene of the Crime/Heroism. Read more on Devil Cuts Down Jesus Cross In Mojave National Preserve…
  black power

America Gets Its First Black Attorney General!

Hooray for progress! The Senate Judiciary Committee just approved Eric Holder for the Attorney General spot, by 17-2, which means the full Senate will now happily okay his nomination and America will have its first-ever African-American head of the Justice Department. There is a certain justice to this development, MMMHMMM? Anyway let’s hope Holder is a little bit better than the first Mexican attorney general, jesus fucking christ. [Reuters] Read more on America Gets Its First Black Attorney General!…
  slimy double-crossing no-good swindlers

Is Obama’s Attorney General Secret Space Pirate?

The new Attorney General for President Hopesalot is Eric Holder, who was the deputy AG back when Bill Clinton was doing whatever slimy stuff, etc., this is what you get, but wait! Doesn’t this character look exactly like a convicted space monster from the early 1980s? Newsweek reporter Michael Isikoff suggests Holder is actually a smuggler who ran spice out of Bill Clinton’s Mena Airport in Arkansas. Read more on Is Obama’s Attorney General Secret Space Pirate?…
  but they will get a strongly worded letter

THEY’RE MORE LIKE ‘GUIDELINES': Attorney General Michael Mukasey announced today that former Justice Department officials like Monica Goodling will not face prosecution for hiring D.O.J. staffers based explicitly on their political views — i.e. how many awesome things they could say about Alberto Gonzalez in 20-second lightning round interviews. Mukasey’s statement came replete with a classic Bush Administration sound bite: “not every wrong, or even every violation of the law, is a crime.” Ha ha, the top legal official in the country just said that “violation of the law” and “crime” are different. [AP] Read more on …
  death penalty

KARL ROVE IN CONTEMPT: “A U.S. congressional panel voted on Wednesday to find former presidential adviser Karl Rove in contempt for defying a subpoena to testify in its probe into suspected political meddling at the Justice Department.” [REUTERS] Read more on …
  death penalty

YOU DON’T SAY: “The inspector general’s investigation found that Ms. Goodling and a handful of other senior aides to Mr. Gonzales developed a system of using in-person interviews and Internet searches to screen out candidates who might be too liberal and to identify candidates seen as pro-Republican and supportive of President Bush.” [New York Times] Read more on …
 

Chinese Spies Learn Every Secret About America, For Only $9.95!

newVideoPlayer("spies.flv", 463, 387,"");The Department of Justice announced today that it is charging evil Chinese spies — one of whom is American, like Jesus — with giving secrets to the evil Red China mainland. Being a Bush administration Department, however, they manage to find the silver lining in this press conference: it’s because our economy is so Free! See, the liberals would red-tape the secret-swapping market to death, and that’s why you should vote for Alan Keyes. [AP/Google] Read more on Chinese Spies Learn Every Secret About America, For Only $9.95!…