Tag Archives: dogs

  Get Your Nerd On

None To Beam Up Just Yet: Your Saturday Nerdout

'I've got the strangest feeling that my face wants to sit down'
Happy Saturday, nerdlings! We have all sorts of geeky goodies for you today, so warm up your Oscillation Overthrusters, make sure you have enough gigawatts for your flux capacitors, and have another cup of coffee. Also, you may as well give up on any hope that you’ll get a decent cup of tea from Zaphod Beeblebrox. It ain’t gonna happen. Read more on None To Beam Up Just Yet: Your Saturday Nerdout…
  None of these are actually legal :(

Here Are 9 More Things For Steve King To Gay-Marry After He Divorces His Lawnmower

Be honest, you're looking at his piece of equipment. His LAWNMOWING equipment.
Rep. Steve King is a glorious fucking numbskull, and he’s willing to prove it on the daily, if that’s what it takes. Having failed to stop the Supreme Court from throat-cramming America with marriage of the EW GAY kind, he must continue to warn America what dark days lie ahead, now that two men or two women can become so gay for one another that they decide to file taxes jointly, ’til death do they part. And what do those dark days look like? Matt Taibbi reported that King, introducing Mike Huckabee in Iowa Thursday, explained that marriage equality means “you can marry my lawnmower.” OH REALLY? Read more on Here Are 9 More Things For Steve King To Gay-Marry After He Divorces His Lawnmower…
  War stories

Old Handsome Joe Biden Mauled In Puppy Dog Play Fight

Kiss it and make it all better.
Old Handsome Joe Biden, what did you do to your widdle face??? It is all bangeded up, did Jill punch you? WHY ARE YOU PUNCHING THE VICE PRESIDENT IN THE MOUTH, JILL BIDEN? Just kidding, she did not punch him, she loves him so much she gay married him. Instead the boo-boo on OHJB’s face came from his dog, Champ. Explain the news to us, AP: Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden Mauled In Puppy Dog Play Fight…
  we’re number one we’re number one!

Our Terribleness Is ‘Staggeringly Impressive’: Your Florida Roundup

Everybody ride that dinosaur
Thrillist, which is a website you would read if you didn’t spend every waking moment not already set aside for 8-balls and hookers staring lovingly Yr Wonket, puts together these dumb lists every now and again, as websites do. (Thanks for that, Buzzfeed.) And to celebrate Murca’s birthday, Thrillist decided to rank all 50 states based on, well, “everything.” Read more on Our Terribleness Is ‘Staggeringly Impressive’: Your Florida Roundup…
  no heart huckabee

Mike Huckabee: Doing The Gay Is Just Like Swearing, Having a Beer

Huckabee preparing to hold a shotgun to the head of a black American.
Dear practitioners of homogay buttsechs, Mike Huckabee — former Arkansas governor, Baptist minister, once and future failed presidential candidate, once and future Fox News host, Ted Nugent’s buddy (which does not at all make him a big ol’ hypocrite, no you shut up), America’s Great Moral Scold — would like you to know that he would just love to be your friend, because he doesn’t discriminate against friends based on their Lifestyle Choice, even if those Lifestyle Choices will condemn them to an eternity of roasting in perdition’s flames. Gosh, some of his friends use naughty words and drink the devil’s liquid, and Mike Huckabee is still their friend, because he is a Nice Guy. Read more on Mike Huckabee: Doing The Gay Is Just Like Swearing, Having a Beer…
  Rick Santorum Saw This Coming

Do Not Click On This Story About Rumored CIA-Detainee Rape By Dogs. Really, Don’t.

Please don't send me to the Bad Kennel!
We’re not sure what’s more depressing about this story alleging that CIA torture contractors may have used dogs to rape detainees in Afghanistan: The possibility that it happened, our realization that the CIA hasn’t given us any reason to think they’d never stoop to such a thing, or the dead certainty that if the allegations are proven true, there will be plenty of Americans who will not only make excuses for it, but will actually insist that using dogs to rape Muslim prisoners was a pretty clever thing to do. If it was done. Read more on Do Not Click On This Story About Rumored CIA-Detainee Rape By Dogs. Really, Don’t….
  clipbait

John Oliver: Congratulations, You Get To Come To America. Or Not. (Video)

Welcome to America; here's your bureaucratic nightmare
Update/followup: See end of post for a chance to do some good, or at least try to. After a week off, John Oliver is back in crusading investigative comedy mode again, as Last Week Tonight brings us this story on the paperwork nightmare faced by Iraqis and Afghans who worked with U.S. forces as translators. As we wind down our wars, thousands of people who bravely came forward to help our military with accurate translations — because as Oliver points out, you really need to know whether that thing down the road is an IED or an IKEA — are being left behind. Despite a law passed by Congress to expedite their entry to the U.S., allowing for for 1500 special visas a year, in 2011, the State Department actually processed 3. That’s three, not a typo missing some zeroes. Read more on John Oliver: Congratulations, You Get To Come To America. Or Not. (Video)…
  Don't Tase Me Doge

Judge Says Park Rangers Probably Shouldn’t Tase People With Off-Leash Doggies

Not to scale
So just in case you haven’t completely lost faith in every single branch of law enforcement over the last few months, from the local cops to the Secret Service, here’s one more story to set your teeth on edge, even if it had sort of a satisfactory outcome: Read more on Judge Says Park Rangers Probably Shouldn’t Tase People With Off-Leash Doggies…
  The Rant Is too Damn High

Illinois GOP Candidate’s Hobbies Include Screaming, Dog Shooting, Gun Losing

He seems nice
Let’s meet Illinois state Rep. Mike Bost, who’s hoping to unseat freshman congressman William Enyart in the 12th district. Bost’s campaign slogan is “Passionate Leadership for Southern Illinois,” which is his attempt to turn his status as a minor YouTube celebrity into a Congressional seat. YouTube just loves his occasional tantrums on the floor of the Illinois House, like the time in 2012 when he had a meltdown over what he believed was unfair rules of procedure — rules that he had voted for when Republicans held the chamber. While screaming about the Democrats’ oppressive floor rules that had been “crammed down our throats” (again, rules which he had voted for and which Dems kept when they took over the House), he threw a stack of paper in the air, punched them, and shouted “Let my people go!” It’s kind of epic, and pretty much the sort of thing we’d love to see in the U.S. House, because while we like good government, we depend on a steady stream of bad government to write about. Read more on Illinois GOP Candidate’s Hobbies Include Screaming, Dog Shooting, Gun Losing…
  Both Sides of the Atlantic Do It

British Right-Wing Nutjob Quite Displeased With His Gay Homosexual Dog

British Ben Shapiro doppleganger
The not-at-all racist members of the British National Party are big believers in the “self-deportation” policies championed by one Mittens J. Romneyford, Esq. They also have some interesting views on the gheys, and they do not appreciate it when those views are challenged. Especially when the challenger is a dog. RawStory brings us the raw story. The youth leader of a far-right British political party threatened his dog on Facebook over the animal’s homosexual behavior. “I wish my dog would stop licking the penises of other male dogs,” said Jack Andrew Renshaw, the leader of BNP Youth. “I love you, Derek (my dog) – but – don’t challenge my principles because my principles will likely win,” Renshaw said. Read more on British Right-Wing Nutjob Quite Displeased With His Gay Homosexual Dog…
  one cookie over the line

Sean Hannity Warns America Of Killer Weed Threat

Purity Hero Sean Hannity took to the radio airwaves Tuesday to alert America to this profound insight: marijuana will kill you dead! As proof, Hannity offers a genuinely sad story from Colorado, about the 19-year-old who jumped off a 4th-floor balcony after eating a friend’s marijuana cookie. The autopsy listed marijuana intoxication as a significant contributing factor in the death of 19-year-old Levi Thamba Pongi, a native of the Republic of Congo, who fell from a balcony. One of Hannity’s guests tried to point out that “significant contributing factor” is different from “sole cause,” but Hannity knew better: “In other words, he was stoned out of his mind!” Read more on Sean Hannity Warns America Of Killer Weed Threat…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Cornucopia Of Creeps & Crazies

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we take a good stiff metaphorical cleaning tool to our browser tabs, collect the stories that are too stupid to ignore altogether but not enough to deserve a full post, and serve them up to you in a metaphorical beverage that we urge you to consume a literal perception-altering agent of your choice before reading. Our Prime Derp this week was pretty much dictated by the mugshot above, which is the bug-eyed visage of one Bernard Marsonek of Tampa, Florida. Yup, Florida Man strikes again. Mr. Marsonek was arrested after neighbors flagged down police to report that he was doing sex to his pit bulldog. In his yard. While the neighbors yelled at him to please for the love of god stop sexing his dog in the yard, if that wouldn’t be too much trouble, please. When the cops interviewed Marsonek inside his house, they also found that he possessed a handgun, which led to another charge since he had a prior felony conviction (we don’t know what prior felony that was, and we don’t think we want to know). Eight pit pulls were seized and taken to Animal Services, and Marsonek was also charged with aggravated animal cruelty and sexual activity involving animals. The one good thing to come out of this story? Wingnuts who worried about the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” can be reassured that dogfucking remains illegal. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Cornucopia Of Creeps & Crazies…
  clipbait

The Daily Show’s Jessica Williams Has Had It With These Racist Dogs (Video)

The Daily Show’s Jessica Williams takes Fox News at its word when it says racism isn’t a problem anymore, but that does leave her wondering why 100% of people bitten by police dogs in LA County were black or Latino. So she asks a dog trainer the obvious question: “Is that because we taste better?” You won’t believe the lengths the trainer goes to in trying to make excuses for the blatant racism of a cute little doggie named Walter. But it’s not just dogs — turns out that computers are racist, too. Just see what happens when you google “Why are black people”… Read more on The Daily Show’s Jessica Williams Has Had It With These Racist Dogs (Video)…
  just a man and his will to survive

Manly Vladimir Putin Cuddles Tigers Into Submission Like A Strongman Should

Don’t you wish that Obama wasn’t such a 98-pound weakling that just gets sand kicked in his face by Fox News on the regular? Wouldn’t it be great to have a muscular bare-chested white man like Vladimir Putin, who can talk to the animals and show them who is boss, on account of all his manly manliness? You betcha. Russian president Vladimir Putin intervened to calm a six-month leopard who attacked journalists in the Sochi region during a meeting with senior members of the IOC, according to reports. State television showed Putin caressing the big cat, called Grom (Thunder), on his knee after it lashed out at journalists. “I like animals, it seems I have a feeling for them,” said Putin, who has been pictured with wild animals before. “We liked each other.” Read more on Manly Vladimir Putin Cuddles Tigers Into Submission Like A Strongman Should…
  couldn't she just go to bronycon instead?

Peggy Noonan Is Writing About Furries Now Y’all

Dame Peggington Noonington has a sad, you guys, because she’s apparently the last person in America to hear this joke: I have a friend who once told me the difference between cats and dogs. When you get up in the morning and feed your dog he looks up at you and thinks: “She comes, finds my food and pours it for me — she must be a god.” A cat thinks: “She comes, finds my food and pours it out for me — I must be a god.” And from this, she extracts a perfectly reasonable Tom-Friedman-rides-in-a-taxi political parable: Read more on Peggy Noonan Is Writing About Furries Now Y’all…
  mean ugly joe

Now Joe Biden Has Killed A Dog, Just To Watch It Die

The field’s all yours, Hillary Clinton. Old Handsome Joe Biden will no longer be running for president now that the Drudge Report (and CBS) has explained that he killed this dog. Gail Collins will write 1,452,722 articles about Joe Biden killing this dog. Ghost Andrew Breitbart will produce a cookbook for how to fix the dog Joe Biden killed. Hillary won’t even have to produce any commercials about it being 3 a.m., and do you know where your dog is? (Hint, no you don’t, because Joe Biden killed it.) Read more on Now Joe Biden Has Killed A Dog, Just To Watch It Die…