• VIRGINIA COPS, THEY AIN’T TOO SMART: “Five Virginia Department of Corrections officers have been charged with animal cruelty involving the fondling of a K-9 dog and videotaping the two incidents … ‘Essentially, he was touching the dog’s penis with his hand,’ Beasley said. ‘The others were there filming it. That’s actually how we learned of it — there’s a video.’” Oh fine, one more funny sentence: “‘I would characterize it as hazing,’ he said, claiming that Thompson was told by the others, ‘If you masturbate your K-9 unit, you’ll have greater control over it.’” [Culpeper Star-Exponent, the best name in newspaper history]

Everyone was very unkind to Bo Obama the dog, who celebrated his first birthday ever on October 9th. So Bo Obama was born last October, and then in April Ted Kennedy, not yet dead, bought the dog from a rescue shelter that was actually a reputable dog breeder and just gave him to Barack Obama. Anyway, Mazel Tov Bo Obama, also sorry, etc. but in retrospect it is probably a good thing that everyone was too distracted to offer up some TRULY WINNING bon mots about the President jumping the gun getting you a present for your second birthday. Chew on that—Richard Cohen’s wit—little puppy. [White House Blog]

Dogs: DC is a city so focused on alcohol that even dogs have the opportunity to get inebriated five days a week. If you have a dog, or like petting strangers’ dogs, there are tons of Doggie Happy Hours (also referred to as Yappy Hours) for you to choose from, and many of them offer pet themes drinks as well as goodies for the dogs. MORE »

Here’s the hot new Republican YouTube, “Hey Half-Breed, Where Mah Job, Haw Haw,” produced by orange House Minority Leader John Boehner. The first-person documentary follows a retarded man wandering into AIG offices and hamburger saloons detectivin’ (unsuccessfully) for them there “stimulus jobs” that the Kenyan feller kept hollerin’ about. And then John Boehner appears and complains about how his dog is unemployed and on welfare. [YouTube]

Rush Limbaugh, grr! The other day he brought up on his radio show the oft-cited observation that your dog’s penicillin costs 25 cents while your own penicillin costs 25 dollars, which sucks for you, or something to that effect, and blah blah blah free markets and healthcare. WHATEVER. The point is his girlfriend has a very charming Old English Sheepdog that bears a startling resemblance to Bo Obama. However, this sheepdog will grow up to be a huge badass herding wookie, while Bo will just sort of look like a fucked-up Poodle, so Rush Limbaugh’s girlfriend clearly wins this round. (Also: Rush Limbaugh has a girlfriend?) [The Rush Limbaugh Show]

• WE HAVE A NATIONAL FURRY PROBLEM: “A Washington state man has been sentenced to 30 days in jail for having sex with his two dogs… Prosecutor Michael Golden said Whitson is a member of a group known as Furries who identify with animals and dress the part in makeup, ears and tail.” And there appear to be some nasty internal politics at play, among the Furries: “[Golden] says two of Whitson’s Furry friends witnessed the animal sex and turned him in.” [AP]

Our new president has some pretty messed up priorities, hoo boy! Did you notice that during his first 100 days in office he ended the recession and shook hands with tin-pot dictators and even got himself a fancy purebred dog, but did not have the time or the inclination to designate, say, a NASA administrator? This is the number one thing an incoming president is supposed to declare, no later than 5-10 minutes after taking the oath of office, and if he does not, then the world folds in on itself and time runs backwards. TRUE STORY. [True/Slant via Ben Smith]

ZOMBIE CUR TERRORIZES WHITE HOUSE: Oh yes speaking of Michelle Obama and her adorable talk with the cute childrens yesterday: “the president and his wife lie awake at night as they listen to the febrile skritching of a maniacal hell-hound chasing a ball up and down the hall, forever and ever, much like those creepy little girl ghosts in The Shining.” {Sara’s NBC Thing]

Look, it’s the mangy half-breed street cur Ted Kennedy dropped on the Obamas’ doorstep the other night. He has been wormed. The Obama family showed him to the press yesterday to prove that they haven’t eated him, yet. [MSNBC]

$20 and a Wonkette Tee Shirt to whoever steals Michele Bachmann’s dog. Just like that.

So here’s The Dog. It is a Portuguese Water Dog, six months old, and a gift from Ted Kennedy and his wife Mrs. Kennedy. Denby must be furious at Obama, taking the cancer man’s dog like this. [White House photo/Pete Souza, NYT]