Tag Archives: dogs

  no heart huckabee

Mike Huckabee: Doing The Gay Is Just Like Swearing, Having a Beer

Huckabee preparing to hold a shotgun to the head of a black American.
Dear practitioners of homogay buttsechs, Mike Huckabee — former Arkansas governor, Baptist minister, once and future failed presidential candidate, once and future Fox News host, Ted Nugent’s buddy (which does not at all make him a big ol’ hypocrite, no you shut up), America’s Great Moral Scold — would like you to know that he would just love to be your friend, because he doesn’t discriminate against friends based on their Lifestyle Choice, even if those Lifestyle Choices will condemn them to an eternity of roasting in perdition’s flames. Gosh, some of his friends use naughty words and drink the devil’s liquid, and Mike Huckabee is still their friend, because he is a Nice Guy. Read more on Mike Huckabee: Doing The Gay Is Just Like Swearing, Having a Beer…
  Rick Santorum Saw This Coming

Do Not Click On This Story About Rumored CIA-Detainee Rape By Dogs. Really, Don’t.

Please don't send me to the Bad Kennel!
We’re not sure what’s more depressing about this story alleging that CIA torture contractors may have used dogs to rape detainees in Afghanistan: The possibility that it happened, our realization that the CIA hasn’t given us any reason to think they’d never stoop to such a thing, or the dead certainty that if the allegations are proven true, there will be plenty of Americans who will not only make excuses for it, but will actually insist that using dogs to rape Muslim prisoners was a pretty clever thing to do. If it was done. Read more on Do Not Click On This Story About Rumored CIA-Detainee Rape By Dogs. Really, Don’t….
  clipbait

John Oliver: Congratulations, You Get To Come To America. Or Not. (Video)

Welcome to America; here's your bureaucratic nightmare
Update/followup: See end of post for a chance to do some good, or at least try to. After a week off, John Oliver is back in crusading investigative comedy mode again, as Last Week Tonight brings us this story on the paperwork nightmare faced by Iraqis and Afghans who worked with U.S. forces as translators. As we wind down our wars, thousands of people who bravely came forward to help our military with accurate translations — because as Oliver points out, you really need to know whether that thing down the road is an IED or an IKEA — are being left behind. Despite a law passed by Congress to expedite their entry to the U.S., allowing for for 1500 special visas a year, in 2011, the State Department actually processed 3. That’s three, not a typo missing some zeroes. Read more on John Oliver: Congratulations, You Get To Come To America. Or Not. (Video)…
  Don't Tase Me Doge

Judge Says Park Rangers Probably Shouldn’t Tase People With Off-Leash Doggies

Not to scale
So just in case you haven’t completely lost faith in every single branch of law enforcement over the last few months, from the local cops to the Secret Service, here’s one more story to set your teeth on edge, even if it had sort of a satisfactory outcome: Read more on Judge Says Park Rangers Probably Shouldn’t Tase People With Off-Leash Doggies…
  The Rant Is too Damn High

Illinois GOP Candidate’s Hobbies Include Screaming, Dog Shooting, Gun Losing

He seems nice
Let’s meet Illinois state Rep. Mike Bost, who’s hoping to unseat freshman congressman William Enyart in the 12th district. Bost’s campaign slogan is “Passionate Leadership for Southern Illinois,” which is his attempt to turn his status as a minor YouTube celebrity into a Congressional seat. YouTube just loves his occasional tantrums on the floor of the Illinois House, like the time in 2012 when he had a meltdown over what he believed was unfair rules of procedure — rules that he had voted for when Republicans held the chamber. While screaming about the Democrats’ oppressive floor rules that had been “crammed down our throats” (again, rules which he had voted for and which Dems kept when they took over the House), he threw a stack of paper in the air, punched them, and shouted “Let my people go!” It’s kind of epic, and pretty much the sort of thing we’d love to see in the U.S. House, because while we like good government, we depend on a steady stream of bad government to write about. Read more on Illinois GOP Candidate’s Hobbies Include Screaming, Dog Shooting, Gun Losing…
  Both Sides of the Atlantic Do It

British Right-Wing Nutjob Quite Displeased With His Gay Homosexual Dog

British Ben Shapiro doppleganger
The not-at-all racist members of the British National Party are big believers in the “self-deportation” policies championed by one Mittens J. Romneyford, Esq. They also have some interesting views on the gheys, and they do not appreciate it when those views are challenged. Especially when the challenger is a dog. RawStory brings us the raw story. The youth leader of a far-right British political party threatened his dog on Facebook over the animal’s homosexual behavior. “I wish my dog would stop licking the penises of other male dogs,” said Jack Andrew Renshaw, the leader of BNP Youth. “I love you, Derek (my dog) – but – don’t challenge my principles because my principles will likely win,” Renshaw said. Read more on British Right-Wing Nutjob Quite Displeased With His Gay Homosexual Dog…
  one cookie over the line

Sean Hannity Warns America Of Killer Weed Threat

Purity Hero Sean Hannity took to the radio airwaves Tuesday to alert America to this profound insight: marijuana will kill you dead! As proof, Hannity offers a genuinely sad story from Colorado, about the 19-year-old who jumped off a 4th-floor balcony after eating a friend’s marijuana cookie. The autopsy listed marijuana intoxication as a significant contributing factor in the death of 19-year-old Levi Thamba Pongi, a native of the Republic of Congo, who fell from a balcony. One of Hannity’s guests tried to point out that “significant contributing factor” is different from “sole cause,” but Hannity knew better: “In other words, he was stoned out of his mind!” Read more on Sean Hannity Warns America Of Killer Weed Threat…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Cornucopia Of Creeps & Crazies

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we take a good stiff metaphorical cleaning tool to our browser tabs, collect the stories that are too stupid to ignore altogether but not enough to deserve a full post, and serve them up to you in a metaphorical beverage that we urge you to consume a literal perception-altering agent of your choice before reading. Our Prime Derp this week was pretty much dictated by the mugshot above, which is the bug-eyed visage of one Bernard Marsonek of Tampa, Florida. Yup, Florida Man strikes again. Mr. Marsonek was arrested after neighbors flagged down police to report that he was doing sex to his pit bulldog. In his yard. While the neighbors yelled at him to please for the love of god stop sexing his dog in the yard, if that wouldn’t be too much trouble, please. When the cops interviewed Marsonek inside his house, they also found that he possessed a handgun, which led to another charge since he had a prior felony conviction (we don’t know what prior felony that was, and we don’t think we want to know). Eight pit pulls were seized and taken to Animal Services, and Marsonek was also charged with aggravated animal cruelty and sexual activity involving animals. The one good thing to come out of this story? Wingnuts who worried about the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” can be reassured that dogfucking remains illegal. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Cornucopia Of Creeps & Crazies…
  clipbait

The Daily Show’s Jessica Williams Has Had It With These Racist Dogs (Video)

The Daily Show’s Jessica Williams takes Fox News at its word when it says racism isn’t a problem anymore, but that does leave her wondering why 100% of people bitten by police dogs in LA County were black or Latino. So she asks a dog trainer the obvious question: “Is that because we taste better?” You won’t believe the lengths the trainer goes to in trying to make excuses for the blatant racism of a cute little doggie named Walter. But it’s not just dogs — turns out that computers are racist, too. Just see what happens when you google “Why are black people”… Read more on The Daily Show’s Jessica Williams Has Had It With These Racist Dogs (Video)…
  just a man and his will to survive

Manly Vladimir Putin Cuddles Tigers Into Submission Like A Strongman Should

Don’t you wish that Obama wasn’t such a 98-pound weakling that just gets sand kicked in his face by Fox News on the regular? Wouldn’t it be great to have a muscular bare-chested white man like Vladimir Putin, who can talk to the animals and show them who is boss, on account of all his manly manliness? You betcha. Russian president Vladimir Putin intervened to calm a six-month leopard who attacked journalists in the Sochi region during a meeting with senior members of the IOC, according to reports. State television showed Putin caressing the big cat, called Grom (Thunder), on his knee after it lashed out at journalists. “I like animals, it seems I have a feeling for them,” said Putin, who has been pictured with wild animals before. “We liked each other.” Read more on Manly Vladimir Putin Cuddles Tigers Into Submission Like A Strongman Should…
  couldn't she just go to bronycon instead?

Peggy Noonan Is Writing About Furries Now Y’all

Dame Peggington Noonington has a sad, you guys, because she’s apparently the last person in America to hear this joke: I have a friend who once told me the difference between cats and dogs. When you get up in the morning and feed your dog he looks up at you and thinks: “She comes, finds my food and pours it for me — she must be a god.” A cat thinks: “She comes, finds my food and pours it out for me — I must be a god.” And from this, she extracts a perfectly reasonable Tom-Friedman-rides-in-a-taxi political parable: Read more on Peggy Noonan Is Writing About Furries Now Y’all…
  mean ugly joe

Now Joe Biden Has Killed A Dog, Just To Watch It Die

The field’s all yours, Hillary Clinton. Old Handsome Joe Biden will no longer be running for president now that the Drudge Report (and CBS) has explained that he killed this dog. Gail Collins will write 1,452,722 articles about Joe Biden killing this dog. Ghost Andrew Breitbart will produce a cookbook for how to fix the dog Joe Biden killed. Hillary won’t even have to produce any commercials about it being 3 a.m., and do you know where your dog is? (Hint, no you don’t, because Joe Biden killed it.) Read more on Now Joe Biden Has Killed A Dog, Just To Watch It Die…
  fortunately it's not as bad on altavista

Mitt Romney’s Google Results Sabotaged With Dog Poop

Your Wonkette was performing its routine of googling “Romney” at the start of each morning for daily affirmation when lo, what was this third result that appeared? “SpreadingRomney.com,” a dictionary page defining the verb “Romney” as “defecating in terror.” This refers to his dog on top of the family car. When will the Internet grow up? Mitt Romney is going to be very displeased about this, Internet. That should be punishment enough. [The Atlantic Wire] Read more on Mitt Romney’s Google Results Sabotaged With Dog Poop…
  terror and destruction

Terrorists Not Nearly as Good at Killing People as Dogs

Either we are doing a TERRIFIC job keeping those terrorists away, ha ha, OR we are not spending nearly enough money on the real threats in this country. It sounds like maybe it is the latter, because people are just dropping dead everywhere, from things like “dog bites,” instead of at the hands of evil terrorists. Read more on Terrorists Not Nearly as Good at Killing People as Dogs…
  where are your papers?

Michigan Lady Will Not Go To Jail Over Her Garden, Just Her Dogs

The woman whose front-yard FLOTUS shrine almost landed her in jail is in the clear now, sort of! So nice try, obesity epidemic, you lose this one. The city of Oak Park, Michigan no longer cares about Julie Bass’ hideous vegetable garden. Instead, they would like to go after her dogs, because Oak Park is now Arizona, so everyone must show their papers, or else. Read more on Michigan Lady Will Not Go To Jail Over Her Garden, Just Her Dogs…
  somebody call glenn beck

Dogs Attempting To Overthrow Government of Tennessee

The police around Tennessee’s state capitol building must have thought a cute dog walking around the grounds posed no threat to democracy. But they were wrong! Poor state Rep. Joanne Favors, a survivor of a “huge dog” that was walking around the capitol plaza, is revealing on the floor of the legislature what sounds to us like a major threat. THAT PLAZA IS THE CITIZENS’ PLAZA. IT IS NOT FOR DOGS. Is a cabal of dogs and perhaps other animals working on a coup d’etat? Read more on Dogs Attempting To Overthrow Government of Tennessee…
  george w. bush ii

Your Next President: The Guy Who Trains Monkeys To Ride Dogs

The United States of America has been blessed with great rhetoricians, select individuals who appear on the national stage in times of peril, stand up, give voice to what is right, and lead the nation forward. A few years ago, many of us thought Barack Obama, a skilled orator in his own right, would prove to be such an individual. But his presidency has been rather disappointing. Instead, America turns its tired eyes to Tim “Wild Thang” Lepard and his band of capuchins riding border collies. Considering the state of the Republican field, he could easily wrap up the nomination. And then the presidency. Read more on Your Next President: The Guy Who Trains Monkeys To Ride Dogs…
  not-yet-true headlines

California Gov. Jerry Brown’s ‘First Dog’ Euthanized Due To Budget Cuts

Here’s a stupid Los Angeles Times video of Governor Jerry Brown’s legless tribble-sausage dog running around the state capitol while most dogs in California are being “put to sleep” (along with education and infrastructure and state parks) because corporations won’t pay their fair share of taxes in California. Yayyy, animal videos! Read more on California Gov. Jerry Brown’s ‘First Dog’ Euthanized Due To Budget Cuts…
  sausage making

BREAKING: POLITICO FINDS OUT ABOUT BEN QUAYLE’S MUSCLES

Guess what? Politico got to talk to Ben Quayle! Ooh, what is he like? Do you think he’ll like Politico? Will he want to be friends with them and stuff? He’s so cool because he’s the only member of Congress who hasn’t had at least one bout with prostate cancer in his life so far. Everything about this is disgusting. Who are these people? Is Ben Quayle lying about having a dog now? Has Mike Allen ever had a better orgasm than the one he has when Ben Quayle tells him he reads his 3 am newsletter? Read more on BREAKING: POLITICO FINDS OUT ABOUT BEN QUAYLE’S MUSCLES…
  the fly-as-eff dogs of war

Nazis Were Obsessed With ‘Hitler-Mocking’ Dog That Wore Sunglasses

In the middle of World War II, the Foreign Office in Berlin commanded its diplomats in the Nazi-friendly Nordic country to gather evidence on the dog, and even came up with plans to destroy the pharmaceutical wholesale company of the dog’s owner. […] Read more on Nazis Were Obsessed With ‘Hitler-Mocking’ Dog That Wore Sunglasses…