Ted Kennedy’s gift horse Texan Water Monster, “Bo Hussein Obama,” now has his own crappy print-and-save “baseball card” from the White House, hooray for civil rights! Just, uh, print it out at work — don’t let Liz Becton catch you! — and, oh we don’t know just probably throw it away. Bo loves tomatoes and brylcreem and long walks on the lawn with what’s his name. [Flickr]

Ergh, Thursday was filled with grim sorrow. Here is something “cute” to, uh, make up for it all. Because it’s our fault, about the world being full of gloom and America being full of fail. At least we’ve got these nice new people in the White House being not-terrible! And maybe the economy is looking a little better, and a bunch more American kids have health care again, and a bunch of evil-ass Bush/Cheney policies have been quickly dismantled, so cheer up, lamers! Here’s Michelle Obama talking about her dog, “Ted Kennedy.” [YouTube/CNN]

It’s great that the poor little lonely Obama girls finally got a nice dog that won’t make allergy-prone Malia sick with its dog hair, because it is a special hairless breed. NO WAIT. It is an outrage that the Obama girls were given this dog because it isn’t LEGALLY a “rescue dog.” (Did you know “rescue dog” is a legal term? READ THE CONSTITUTION.) And guess what organization is demanding that Barack Obama personally slice off this dog’s nuts? MORE »

Now this is some change we can believe in: Barack Obama kept his promise to three Americans (his wife and daughters) and now the family has a dog (Bobby Jindal). Ha, just kidding, they wanted a good dog. And they haven’t actually picked out a canine, yet. It’s all in People magazine, which is the main periodical covering the Obama Administration, because Americans love People, and when’s the last time you saw the NYT in the checkout line? MORE »

The slippery slide towards terrorists winning just got a little slippier! Just kidding. But still, some dude in India did marry a female dog (”bitch”) Sunday to atone for stoning two other dogs to death. I don’t know what that dumb bitch was thinking, marrying this ‘bag. MORE »