Wonkette

Above: Robert Mueller’s notes on his meeting with the President following the dramatic Gonzales visit to Attorney General John Ashcroft, delirious and sick in his hospital bed. Not since the C.I.A. revealed the mythical ‘family jewels’ have we been so thrilled by a declassified intelligence document! We can only imagine what it might say under all the redactions! Probably “fuck fuck fuck cock cock vagina.” Or maybe “The President and I had a nice laugh about our blatantly illegal warrantless wiretapping program and how no one would ever know or impeach us or anything. Then we made out.”

A DC Scene Fades to Black [The Lede]

Sure, but wouldn’t that qualify as “impulse control disorders”? MORE »

What to do when your FOIA request turns up boring documents? Seize on that most satisfying of criticisms, the typo. As Raw Story has done, delightfully, with Michael Brown’s application to work for FEMA. Below, a sample of Brown’s application (helpful proofreading marks provided by us at no additional cost):

And, hilariously, they did it again on the next page. Simple error? More likely: FEMA’s subconscious demonstration of resentment at losing its independence to a de[a]partment that, while a completely useless and nightmarish bureaucratic cesspool of money, you’d hope has a few secretaries on staff who can proofread these things. MORE »

Continuing the theme of things that we can post without using apostrophes, here is a the one document you will read today that will immediately make you feel significantly safer:

See? Things are not as bad as they seem — Tom DeLay is no longer allowed to carry a concealed weapon. Rest easy tonight, Sugarland. There is one less armed nutjob walking your streets. MORE »

So we scoured John Kerry’s rider for something funny about it, and the best we can come up with is that recumbent bikes are goofy-looking and, you know, French or something (right? it’s been so long, hasn’t it?). See, that’s like the most outrageous demand (oh, sure, Teresa’s is nuts, but we’re guessing Lynne’s would be similarly complex). Other than that, it’s all, “JK likes oatmeal,” “movies would be nice,” you know? Pretty unpretentious. Check it out:

Above: John “Made in the U.S.A.” Kerry’s. Below: Dick “Only the Most Treasonous Water For My Wife” Cheney.

That’s no “please change the channel on my TV for me” or anything.

John Kerry Hates Celery! [TSG]
Earlier: Mr. Cheney Also Requires Bunny Slippers and Warm Soy Milk

Look, the Vice Presidential Rider! MORE »

“Delay’s attorney told the Washington Post last year Delay was unaware of the ‘logistics’ of bill payments and did not believe Abramoff paid the cost.” MORE »