Tag Archives: dnc

  Yooooooooooge news!

Donald Trump Puts A Ring On It (‘It’ Being America; ‘Ring’ Being The Kind For Your Penis)

It’s all happening! Our wildest, craziest, YOOOOGEST dreams have come true, even though we were quite sure they would not. But they have! Donald “Donald Trump” Trump is running for president of U.S. America. Read more on Donald Trump Puts A Ring On It (‘It’ Being America; ‘Ring’ Being The Kind For Your Penis)…
  Gonna need a bigger reset button

Yup, Rand Paul F*cked Up His Second Day Running For President Too

Maybe not so ready after all
It’s Day Two of Rand Paul’s Excellent Presidential Adventure, and he is having a bad day. Again. He started his morning picking a fight with the “Today” show’s Savannah Guthrie because she didn’t ask him questions the way he thinks she should, and he followed that up with a quick explanation to the New York Times that when reporters ask him questions he doesn’t like, “That isn’t journalism.” (Side note: Waging war against reporters when you are running for president is a FANTASTIC strategy, and we encourage Paul to stick with that for sure.) Read more on Yup, Rand Paul F*cked Up His Second Day Running For President Too…
  this whole network's out of order

Get Excited! Larry Klayman Will Now Sue CNN And Then Become Gandhi And Lead America To Freedom Or Something

Fresh off his ridiculous unexpected but sadly deserved glorious defeat of the gubmint reading your sexts, one would have thought that Larry Klayman’s victory lap would at least be somewhat coherent. One would be oh so very wrong, of course, because when it comes to Larry Klayman, all bets are on him reverting to his true weird form. Klayman went on CNN Tuesday to discuss his big win, as you do when your lawyerin’ succeeds, with Don Lemon and CNN’s ubiquitous legal analyst Jeff Toobin. So far so good. Klayman, of course, can never leave well enough alone, because of how he can’t stop perseverating about the evils of the Kenyan Muslin president, so rather than talking about the NSA case like a normal person, he spent most of the time attacking Don Lemon as a super-left-winger. Wait what? Read more on Get Excited! Larry Klayman Will Now Sue CNN And Then Become Gandhi And Lead America To Freedom Or Something…
  dems in disarray

Selfish Jerk Debbie Wasserman Schultz Has Personal Ambitions, Thinks She’s A Man

Bitches, man. Always thinking of themselves, always putting their own ambitions first. Don’t you just hate that? Don’t you just despise the way women are always ruthlessly promoting their own careers, never thinking of others, never giving of themselves, never — Oh fuck it, we can’t even finish that fake sentence. Let’s just get to the vomit-inducing pile o’ zebra shit du jour: Debbie Wasserman Schultz spent 18 months slogging through 885 events in 31 states to boost President Barack Obama’s chances for reelection. Now, she is planning to employ the nearly unrivaled Rolodex she’s built to turn it into political muscle in the Capitol — for herself. FOR HERSELF?!?! She’s going to use the political connections she’s made as chair of the Democratic National Committee to help advance her own career in politics — for the first time EVER, because no one in politics is ever looking to advance their careers or use their connections? (Also, sidenote: What up with “Rolodex,” Politico? Rolodex? Really? Not even a mid-last decade reference like “Hotmail address book”? Sheesh.) It’s unheard of. It’s so gauche. It’s simply not done, dahling. What next — she’s going to piss in the punch bowl at the next Democratic Party soiree? Obscenely ambition DWS (as she is known among those who find typing to be, like, so oppressive, man) doesn’t even have the decency to be shy about how she doesn’t even give a good goddamn about the rest of her party; she’s just in it for her. Of course, we’ve long known she is “not a lady,” but this is really beyond the pale. It’s not clear what Wasserman Schultz wants — she pointedly wouldn’t rule out running for leadership, governor or senator. Oh my gawd. She might want to run for higher office? Who does this uppity chick think she is? Barack Obama? No one has ever run for office and then refused to rule out running for even higher office? Unheard of! Unacceptable! Unpossible! Read more on Selfish Jerk Debbie Wasserman Schultz Has Personal Ambitions, Thinks She’s A Man…
  take your cheese and shove it

Small Businessman Built That, Sits On Throne Of Non-Union Lies

Last month, an African-American businessman named Calvin Hunter wrote a column for a website called Canada Free Press. He wrote about why, after spending his whole life a loyal Democrat, he now hates the Rotten Horrible Democrat Party. We know about this because Allen West told us about it on the tweeter yesterday, in case we did not spend a lot of time on websites that claim things such as Huma Abedin really being a terrorist plant. This one isn’t about Evil Islam though — it’s about discrimination, and West said it was “why more black Americans are leaving the Democrat party,” and it is definitely not petulant ramblings from a guy in a lime green hat, and is most certainly not a big giant fibbity fib fib. Read more on Small Businessman Built That, Sits On Throne Of Non-Union Lies…
  Heathen Watch

Washington Times Stakes Out DNC Prayer Room; Bothers, Judges People

Happy Sunday, everyone! Except those of you who are Democrats, because you obviously hate God so much you will boo His name. You do you not get a happy Sunday, and you will only get one when you pray more — the jig is up, heathens, and the Washington Times is onto you. We know they are onto you because they wrote about it the other day. While some of the most prominent politicians in America were giving “speeches” and such at the DNC, the Times was intrepidly hanging out in the Charlotte Convention Center’s prayer room, where you didn’t notice them because none of you pray, ever. Read more on Washington Times Stakes Out DNC Prayer Room; Bothers, Judges People…
  well somebody has to uncrucify him

Stand Up For God By Giving Allen West Your Money

Remember when we told you about how the DNC delegates did that voice vote about putting God and Jerusalem in the platform, and the mayor of Los Angeles just made up the results, and then it kind of looked like the Democrats were booing God? Don’t worry, somebody noticed. Though the stupid fake voice vote is pretty much meaningless, Rep. Allen West (R-Kabul) specializes in stupid fake things that are pretty much meaningless (see: 18th-century treaties). “Dems deny God 3 times. Allen is leading our fight against the radical left,” his campaign posted on Facebook. And then, the most predictable of campaign imperatives: “Donate.” And there’s even a fancy graphic! So all your Facebook friends will know that you have Defended God with your Holy Pile Of Campaign Cash. Read more on Stand Up For God By Giving Allen West Your Money…
  manual override engaged

Emergency Backup Livebloog!

Haha, we have no idea how Rebecca broke the internet! But here we are! 10:56 OMG Barry is totally doing a clip show here! 10:59 This, fellow students of Rhetoric, is what ya call a “peroration.” And it freakin’ ROCKS. Read more on Emergency Backup Livebloog!…
  you sexy thing

Here Is Your New Barack Obama Getting You Pregnant Live-Blog So We Do Not Break The Internet

Whoops, we have broken Wonket! We said some stuff already, it is gone now. Fucking INTERNET! But the gist was, no, we were not yet pregnant, unless we got knocked up by Michelle’s foxy-bitch face. (WE DID.) Sorry everybody, that you can no longer read the most amazing live-bloog in the history of bloogs. Sucks to be you! Fuck this bullshit broken liveblog bullshit. New emergency backup nuclear livebloog here. Read more on Here Is Your New Barack Obama Getting You Pregnant Live-Blog So We Do Not Break The Internet…
  let's all have tiny barack babies!

Live-Blogging Barack Obama Getting You Pregnant Right Through The Television

Everybody get your fine illegal Communist rum and your fine illegal Windowpane, and meet us back here just in time for the tribute to Old Handsome Joe Biden, and then Barry making love to you again like it is the first time. So like just before nine, like that! You don’t need a blow-by-blow of every note out of Mary J. Blige’s mouth. Just come back, whatever, we’ll see you then unless we see you first! 7:16 PM — OK guess we are starting early since Joe is straight up blubbering like a a drunken Irish John Boehner. God bless that sentimental son of a bitch. Read more on Live-Blogging Barack Obama Getting You Pregnant Right Through The Television…
  my sununu-sense is tingling

John Sununu Knows The Real Story Behind Michelle Obama’s Dress

Known government-teat succubus Michelle Obama showed up to the first night of the DNC in a shiny frock, much like the shiny frocks worn by Target addicted upwardly-mobile assholes who park their Camrys like they’re BMWs at your local Pier 1. (Joking, who goes to Pier 1?) Allegedly, this dress cost around $400 or so. John Sununu, known fashionisto, believes that Michelle Obama is lying. Read more on John Sununu Knows The Real Story Behind Michelle Obama’s Dress…
  #weigeled!

Charlotte Day Two Maybe: Dave Weigel Is A Crazy Bitch

Sorry we did not blog at you yesterday; we left Jim here in charge at the house (la Casita de Wonkadonk) and went into the Charlotte wilds in search of our badges (WE NEED STINKING BADGES), and then we ate a bunch of acid with one of our dudes from Boston (we have dudes from Boston), and now Jim is probably going to quit because of how we left him all day yesterday and then ran out of battery and never checked in and were just on acid all night like a fucking hippie 17-year-old girl getting arrested protesting the Original Gulf War. 1990, represent! Also, you guys, make Jim not quit! More importantly, however, did we mention world-famous walking Slate Explainer Dave Weigel is a crazy bitch? Read more on Charlotte Day Two Maybe: Dave Weigel Is A Crazy Bitch…
  leave god alone

DNC Delegates Finally Resolve This ‘God’ Business By Going Insane

The Democratic draft platform is cruising right through to completion! You know, just going through a few little amendments via voice vote. Like this business about inserting the word “God” back into the platform and recognizing Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. Well, one is a semantic issue and the other goes against longstanding U.S. policy but hey, the Republicans were criticizing Democrats over it, which automatically forces Democrats to cave. There was a bit of a planning hitch, however: What if the voice votes are… really close? Perhaps there ought to be a procedure for resolving those accurately, lest the party look incompetent? (BECAUSE THIS ONE ABOUT GOD/JEWS STUFF LOOKED VERY INCOMPETENT.) Read more on DNC Delegates Finally Resolve This ‘God’ Business By Going Insane…
  greek rage raises its ugly head

Michael Dukakis Just Stone Cold Trash-Talking Everybody At The DNC

One of the fun/awkward things about the party conventions is seeing how they deal with loser candidates from years past! Like, Jimmy Carter, an actual former president, was only allowed to address the DNC via video, so that they could cut him off if he started chanting “Death To Israel” or whatever. But what about whatshisname, the little guy, lost in 1988, never got to be president in the first place — yeah, Michael Dukakis! Him! Apparently he’s roaming around the convention and was even allowed to give a speech of some sort to … people eating breakfast … or something? The Boston Globe article about it helpfully provides zero context, but that’s OK, because it does report all the mean Dukakis zingers! Mrow! Read more on Michael Dukakis Just Stone Cold Trash-Talking Everybody At The DNC…
  sweet sweet air conditioning

Quitter Obama Moves Speech Inside, As If A Lil’ Lightning Ever Hurt Anybody

Hooray, thank God for sending some lightning Charlotte’s way and finally convincing these Obama campaign folks to move the acceptance speech inside. This stadium business is so 2008, so blahhhh. Just give your happy rah-rah chat in the damn arena, like every other schmuck. In any event, what is Obama hiding and lying about now? According to the AP, a secret insider source who’s known as a “top Charlotte meteorologist” — the weather guy on the local teevee news — “says there is virtually no threat of severe weather Thursday night as Democratic officials move President Barack Obama’s convention speech indoors.” And even if there was a *little* lightning, who cares; it would only kill one, maybe two, two or three people — probably total losers. Something else must be up! Let’s ask the Internet/make stuff up! Read more on Quitter Obama Moves Speech Inside, As If A Lil’ Lightning Ever Hurt Anybody…