Tag Archives: divorce

  Does He Dare To Eat A Peach?

Let’s All Watch Convicted Felon Dinesh D’Souza Whine About His Martyrdom While Strolling The Beach

We do not think the mermaids sing to him
Just in case you’ve been wondering how professional victim and convicted felon Dinesh D’Souza is handling the horrors of being a Political Prisoner in Obama’s America, Vanity Fair has released an exciting video to pimp their big profile of D’Souza in their May issue. It’s pretty rad, also quite possibly gnarly, and it may indeed be the most fetch thing you’ll see all day! Read more on Let’s All Watch Convicted Felon Dinesh D’Souza Whine About His Martyrdom While Strolling The Beach…
  A Gag Order Would Be Redundant

Alan Grayson’s Bigamist Wife Has Leaking Boob Sacs, We Are Done Here

Artist's representation
Just about everything about Florida Democrat Alan Grayson’s divorce from his wife, Lolita (yes really) has been gross and vaguely horrible, like the claim that he assaulted her (or maybe he didn’t) and his contention that their marriage was invalid from the get-go because she never properly divorced her first husband. Read more on Alan Grayson’s Bigamist Wife Has Leaking Boob Sacs, We Are Done Here…
  The Five People You Meet In Heaven Are Queer As Folk

Steve King: Dogs May Go To Heaven, Gays Not So Much

Jesus effing Christ, Steve
Iowa Congresscantaloupe Steve King has some thoughts on The Gheys, as well as on where you will find them in the afterlife and where you won’t. Sadly, according to King, the odds of Heaven having any really good discotheques are pretty slim, so people who have lived lives of great rectitude should just resign themselves to spending eternity in the equivalent of a Holiday Inn cocktail lounge. Read more on Steve King: Dogs May Go To Heaven, Gays Not So Much…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Please Don’t Agree With Us Please

Go home, Celestia, you're drunk
We’ve got mail! Or at least we’ve got people who want to leave comments, but who are not going to be admitted to the Commentariat because we don’t especially want them tromping around our parlor, especially not with what they’ve tracked in on their boots. Today, our sluicing out of the ol’ comments queue starts off with a couple of submissions from people who sorta kinda agree with something Yr Wonkette has published, but there’s just something about the comments that suggests we may not really want to invite these folks in, probably. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: Please Don’t Agree With Us Please…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Stop Using Nerd Words Like ‘Wonkette’

Dear Princess Celestia... As a dragon, I find Hearth's Warming Eve to be very offensive.
We have been down to sump out the comments queue, and man, what a mess. We have quite the assortment, and let’s get right to it with this brief note from “Vfunct,” who was not impressed with our headline about the poor schlub who got fired after he told the story of the Great Palin Bumfight of 2014. That wasn’t really all that hard to follow, we thought: “Palins Scalp Witness To Their Epic Snowbilly Battle As First Sort Of Reported By Your Wonkette.” You guys got that, right? Well, Vfunct was Most Displeased: Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: Stop Using Nerd Words Like ‘Wonkette’…
  let's not stay together

Pat Robertson: Jesus Wants You To Divorce Your Wife If She Won’t Put Out

Pat Robertson has had quite the week. After sounding the alarm about the apocalyptic asteroid event that could happen next week, or ever, Robertson advised a 700 Club caller that his wife probably withheld sex because of childhood sexual abuse, and that obviously, the caller should just divorce her. Given that surveys have shown that 43% of women recount experiencing sexual dysfunction and 32 percent of mothers report going years without sex, we now expect to see a lot of 700 Club-inspired divorces as husbands ditch their frigid wives. This makes Pat Robertson worse for marriage than Dan Savage, who just thinks you should cheat. Read more on Pat Robertson: Jesus Wants You To Divorce Your Wife If She Won’t Put Out…
  wait until marriage and divorce

Cool Proposed Massachusetts Law Would Make Sure You Don’t Spread Your Legs Until Your Divorce Is Final

Usually we dig on Massachusetts because it is chock full of gay-loving liberals (though we are a little worried about your Jew-jailing schoolchildren right now) but that is because we forget about the weird Republicans that also inhabit the Bay State. Recently, one of them coughed up this dog’s breakfast of an idea: why not punish slutty slut slut people who think they can just get divorced all willy nilly and still keep having sex? In divorce, separation, or 209A proceedings involving children and a marital home, the party remaining in the home shall not conduct a dating or sexual relationship within the home until a divorce is final and all financial and custody issues are resolved, unless the express permission is granted by the courts. Totally reasonable! Read more on Cool Proposed Massachusetts Law Would Make Sure You Don’t Spread Your Legs Until Your Divorce Is Final…
  jerks

Florida Democrat Alan Grayson’s Mouth No Longer Most Dangerous Thing About Him, Allegedly

So here is one of those stories that you really hope turns out not to be true, but it doesn’t look good: Florida Democrat Alan Grayson has been accused by his wife of having a “history of physical violence,” and a judge has issued a temporary protective injunction against him following an incident Saturday in which she says he shoved her against a door. Yes, yes, innocent until proven, and they’re getting divorced so tempers run high, and Grayson’s office issued a statement saying that Lolita Grayson’s claims are “absolutely false, completely unfounded, and clearly designed to vilify and harm Congressman Grayson” and also claims that she attacked him. But she’s the one whose filing for a protective order included photos of “large bruises to her left leg and left shoulder.” And we know that judges tend not to just issue protective orders based on a whim; the Orange County Sheriff’s Office is also conducting a domestic violence investigation. So, much though we like Alan Grayson as a politician, it’s looking like this mommyblog may have to shake its head and wonder how somebody we liked so much could turn out to be such a violent asshole, allegedly. Read more on Florida Democrat Alan Grayson’s Mouth No Longer Most Dangerous Thing About Him, Allegedly…
  the effluent society

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Homeschoolers Whose Father Knows Best

Let’s all hop into the Chrono-Tron for a dynamic trip to the Populuxe world of the 1950s, courtesy of a couple of rightwing Christian textbooks for the homeschool market. Along the way, we’ll learn that small government and pious people of faith created prosperity, and the decade’s high tax rates on the wealthy never have to be mentioned because that would be really inconvenient. Our 8th-grade textbook America: Land I Love (A Beka, 2006) is pretty sure that the economic boom of the ’50s had little to do with anything the government did; rather, the bestest thing about the ’50s is that it was a time when “the moral values of Biblical Christianity provided a just standard of law, order, and mutual respect, which in turn increased material prosperity.” The book’s chapter on the ’50s leads off with a section on “Moral Strength,” and subsections attribute the decade’s good times to “Respect for Christianity,” “Strong families, little crime,” and to the “Sanctity of life” — just in case students need three main paragraphs for their 5-paragraph essays. We learn that even though church attendance was, sadly, not universal, most people respected the Biblical teachings of law, order, and moral decency. Local governments often required stores to close on Sundays, and community activities were planned in many areas not to interfere with church services. School days often began with prayer and Bible reading, and parent—teacher meetings and civic organizations usually opened with prayer. In other words, it was as close to paradise as America got in the 20th century. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Homeschoolers Whose Father Knows Best…
  keep on keepin' on

New Pope Stays Awesome, Will Now Cause So Much Cardinal Fighting About Divorce

New Pope! New Pope! New Pope! New Pope! Say it loud, say it proud, we are still loving Pope Francis, and we are still totally doing our Vatican III watch. Soon we’re going to set up a betting pool or something so we can all try to pick the exact day he will announce. Today, he moves ever closer to V-Three by saying that maybe persecuting divorced people just isn’t the way to go for the Catholic Church. Pope Francis on Friday said couples whose marriages fail should be “accompanied” and not “condemned”, wading into a debate on divorce that is testing his promise to put the Church in touch with modern life. “When love fails, and it fails many times, we have to feel the pain of that failure, accompany the people who have felt the failure of their love,” the pope said during the daily mass he holds in the Vatican. “Don’t condemn them! Walk with them!” he said, adding: “We have to be so close to the brothers and sisters who have suffered the failure of love in their lives”. Ohemgee cue Catholic bishop and cardinal infighting shitstorm. Read more on New Pope Stays Awesome, Will Now Cause So Much Cardinal Fighting About Divorce…
  seems reasonable

Utah State Rep: We Need More Divorce School Because My Friends Are ‘Surprised’ When Wives Leave Them

What is a divorce? It’s when you mix gin and chocolate milk in a rubber glove. Everyone knows that! But did you know that when you “divorce” your spouse, you aren’t married anymore? You would, if you had gone to divorce school. Your divorce education is so important, in fact, that Utah mandates a divorce class for anyone who wants to obtain the state’s blessing to not be married anymore. But is that really enough? No, says Utah State Rep. Jim Nielson, who thinks that not only should you have to go to divorce school if you want a divorce, but you should have to go, like, right this instant! And pay attention! That will fix the divorces, thinks Jim. He’s also pretty sure that it’s mostly women who are getting these divorces, based on “anecdotal information,” which is defined as “information upon which it is appropriate to base laws in Utah.” Read more on Utah State Rep: We Need More Divorce School Because My Friends Are ‘Surprised’ When Wives Leave Them…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: BYU-Idaho Fights The Battle Of The Boner, And Other Dispatches From The War On Stupid

Welcome, O Wonkers and Wankers, to another edition of the Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we clean the sticky residue of stoopid stories from our browser tabs, cut it with a secret mix of chemicals from Freedumb Industries, and serve it up to you in an elixir that’s easily as tasteful and memorable as Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey. Read more on Derp Roundup: BYU-Idaho Fights The Battle Of The Boner, And Other Dispatches From The War On Stupid…
  D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Obamas Totally Getting Secret Divorce Because Of Secret Sexytime Or Maybe Just To Make Rush Limbaugh Happy

From the same not-newspaper of not-record that first broke the story of son-of-a-mill-worker (TRUE STORY! in case you hadn’t heard) John Edwards impregnating himself with the double super secret love child of professional attention whore Rielle Hunter comes this Pulitzer-worthy doozy, which we TOTALLY believe: WITH a White House cheating scan­dal set to explode, President BARACK OBAMA and his wife MICHELLE are hiding a divorce shocker from America! […] The two locked horns in a series of ugly fights during their recent Hawaiian getaway, but sources say the death blow came when Michelle learned that the Secret Service has covered up Obama’s cheating – twice. After a “mole” exposed the presi­dent’s betrayal, a furious Michelle ripped into him during a bitter blow-out and raged: “I want out!” Obviously, this story must be true, because it is sexy and fun and so much more interesting than any of the actual scandals the lamestream media insists on covering right now. Congratulations, flaccid-bag-of-gas Rush Limbaugh. Looks like you get your pony! Why can’t we have Obama running around on Michelle or something? … Wouldn’t that be a much better scandal than Christie and bridge lane closures, for crying out loud? Why yes, it surely would! Read more on Obamas Totally Getting Secret Divorce Because Of Secret Sexytime Or Maybe Just To Make Rush Limbaugh Happy…
  the whoring 20s

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Homeschooled Flappers And Bootleggers

OK, this is the week we finally get to the flappers, you fappers. We’ve been spending a little extra time with our Christian textbooks’ treatment of the 1920s, which turns out to be a fine decade for the authors to lecture about the culture wars of the last quarter of the century. And as usual, our 8th-grade text from A Beka, America: Land I Love, is delighted to jump in and let kids know exactly where America was deceived: World War I boosted America’s economy and spurred great advances in technology. Prospering businesses and industries brought a higher standard of living, allowing people to work to provide for their families. Most Americans still held to traditional values based on Biblical principles. However, the Roaring Twenties became a turning point in American thought and culture, as prosperity encouraged Americans to pursue pleasure and material gain. Entertainment especially reflected an increasing decline in morality. And of course, because this is a Christianist textbook for 8th-graders, we don’t learn too much about what that decline entailed, except that the divorce rate increased and movies glamorized speakeasies and contraband booze. It’s presumably left to the classroom or parental teacher to explain that there was also (shudder!) dancing. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Homeschooled Flappers And Bootleggers…
  Our D-I-V-O-R-C-E Becomes Final Today

Hey Ladies! Scary Old Rupert Murdoch Is About To Be Single Again

The terms of News Corp’s CEO, chairman, and destroyer of all things good in media Rupert Murdoch’s divorce from his pie-jacking, badass, third wife Wendi Deng Murdoch are set to be finalized in front of a New York judge today. And other than the little matter of poor Rupert handing over what some people have guessed is between 1.2 and 2 billion divorce dollars, and the 44 million dollar apartment in NYC which she is totally keeping, Emperor Palpatine’s doppelganger and his erstwhile bride of almost 15 years have all the prenuptial and postnuptial (which we were not even rich enough to know existed) agreements that one of the top 100 richest, and number one most evilest, media men in the world could possibly need. So this thing here today should all be pretty quick and painless, as far as billion dollar divorces go. But there was still some rather insidery stuff reported on the Murdoch split, thanks to Michael Wolff’s fairly overwrought article in the USA Today from a week and a half ago, that we did not see until now. Michael Wolff is a guy who wrote a Murdoch biography The Man Who Owns the News, and was also on Keith Olbermann’s old show all the time, talking about how Rupert’s news companies hacking the phones of the entirety of Great Britain and probably the USA might actually take Rupert, his terrible kids, and even more terrible empire down. But of course it did not take anything down and we were stupid to think that it might. And now Michael Wolff says that not going to jail or even getting into trouble really for the hacking thing, and now getting this divorce, have made Rupert Murdoch happier than ever. And isn’t that the most important thing? That Rupert Murdoch is happy? Read more on Hey Ladies! Scary Old Rupert Murdoch Is About To Be Single Again…
  sometimes a bullet-riddled target is only a bullet-riddled target

George Zimmerman Left A Subtle Message For His Estranged Wife. What Could It Possibly Mean?

At some point after George Zimmerman moved out of the house that he had lived in with his soon-to-be-ex-wife Shellie, he (ALLEGEDLY!) came back and left behind a bullet-riddled shooting range target nailed to one wall of the living room. While lacking the handcrafted artisanal Crazy of the knife-pierced valentine Mia Farrow gave Woody Allen, it seems like it may have been a message of some kind, but who knows? As with everything else involving George Zimmerman, there is almost certainly an explanation that turns him into the real victim. Read more on George Zimmerman Left A Subtle Message For His Estranged Wife. What Could It Possibly Mean?…
  Morning Dough

Joe Scarborough Divorce Papers Confirm Joe Scarborough Is A Rich Jerk

Ohey look! Unrepentant sexist bag of douche Joe Scarborough is getting divorced. Awww. Couldn’t happen to a more dickish but VERY occasionally not-dickish guy. Congrats, bro. Cool story: somehow Scarborough is getting away with only paying $30K/month in alimony. Of course, 30 large a month is a problem for the rest of us, but not for Morning Joe because he makes $99,000 per week. PER WEEK. $400K a month. Close to $5 million per…Forgive us if we take a moment to sob uncontrollably in the corner. Read more on Joe Scarborough Divorce Papers Confirm Joe Scarborough Is A Rich Jerk…
  bad grampa

Iowa Rep. Asks Whole State: Is My Granddaughter A Whore?

Iowa state Representative Ted Gassman is worried. Since his daughter and her husband got divorced, will his granddaughter turn into a whore? End no-fault divorce, Iowa! Keep Ted Gassman’s 16-year-old granddaughter from sluttin’ it up, with her hormones and the promiscuity and whatever else Ted Gassman wanted to muse about, out loud, in public, to whomever would listen, about his 16-year-old granddaughter and whether or not she is keeping her vagina in her pants, where it belongs, or whether instead she is handing it out to every truck stop idler and mustachioed devil currently roaming the Iowa byways. Read more on Iowa Rep. Asks Whole State: Is My Granddaughter A Whore?…
  like a tracy/hepburn movie come to life

Mark Sanford To Admit Affair With 2014 Election

Remember Mark Sanford? He ran off with a lady friend while Governor of South Carolina and thereby graciously gave the world the phrase “hiking the Appalachian trail” as a euphemism for illicit sexytime. (If you are a person of a younger persuasion and do not remember this, just think of him like Anthony Weiner, but without Twitter.) After some Boehner-level public crying about the whole thing, he resigned and we forgot all about him and figured his career was over and he was off having exotic sex with his Argentinian lady-person. But, like the proverbial bad penny, he’s back: Read more on Mark Sanford To Admit Affair With 2014 Election…
  donald trump loves divorce guys

Trump ‘Bombshell’ II: Michelle Hates Barry, Wanted A Divorce

We revealed earlier that Donald Trump will probably tell us all that Barack Obama was the Kenyan Ricky Ross tomorrow, but there is a second, equally credible bombshell that Donald Trump will also probably embarrassingly reveal to absolutely no impact tomorrow: the Obamas once considered divorcing. With his trademarked humility and circumspection, Donald Trump recently boasted he’s about to announce huge news about President Obama, and one rumor has already been reported: “Douglas Kass, a Florida-based investor who appears on CNBC’s talkshow ‘Squawkbox’ where Trump is often a commentator, tweeted to his 48,000 followers: ’High above the Alps my Gnome has heard that Donald Trump will announce that he has unearthed divorce papers between the Prez and his wife.’” Read more on Trump ‘Bombshell’ II: Michelle Hates Barry, Wanted A Divorce…