Tag: disasters

Cool Republican Bro Had Fun Spreading Dumb Fake Hurricane Rumors Last Night

Good morning, New Yorkers! We hope that you are reading these words right now, because that means you have power and Internet access and probably are in your own home, which we sincerely hope is not soggy and...

Mitt Romney Says Helping America’s Tornado Victims Is ‘Immoral’

Tornadoes and floods and wildfires and droughts and other biblical plagues have been killing Americans and destroying their towns all year long, but constipated mannequin Mitt Romney wants to be seen as a real tough-guy Tea Party asshole these...

Uh Oh: Ben Quayle In Charge of Our Earthquake Preparedness

A true disaster: Time to move away from those fault lines. There's no way you're safe now. If it's humanly possible to cause earthquakes, that will probably be the result of this. Obviously, this is an crisis.

Obama Administration Picks Tokyo Electric To Build U.S. Nuke Plant

The environmentalist wackos in the Obama Administration "asked Congress to provide a $4 billion loan guarantee for two new nuclear reactors to be built and operated on the Gulf Coast of Texas — by Tokyo Electric Power and local...

Sarah Palin Loses 40% of Her TeeVee Audience In One Week

It's fun to watch a train wreck once. Deadline Hollywood reports on Palin's huge collapse in ratings since her dumb show premiered on basic cable: Sarah Palin lost almost half of her premiere audience in the second airing of her...

Whoops: Mile-Long Oil Spill Spreading From Burning Rig

Happy 5th Katrina Anniversary, Louisiana! And don't feel bad because, uh, New England is getting your Labor Day Weekend hurricane. You've got a new oil spill! AP/WWL Channel 4 New Orleans reports: Coast Guard spokesman Bill Colclough said all 13...

Hooray, The Well Is Dead, For Now!

BP and the Coast Guard are reporting that the reverse-cowgirl-static-kill-butt-well-plug was successful and that only 25% of the oil spilled is still in the Gulf of Mexico. Time to pop the bubbly and eat some shrimp...oh wait, there's no...

Have You Forgotten About the Dead Turtles On Day 106?

The static kill sex position procedure is slated to begin today, if it didn't start last night while Doctor Jindal was sleeping. The process of shoving mud and shooting cement down the throat of the well may actually kill...

Happy 100th Birthday, Deepwater Horizon!

Remember the Islands of Doctor Jindal? Well it turns out that the future president of 'Merica may be wrong after all. Washington elites Several scientists from local universities and aquatic research centers have signed letters and sent postcards saying...

Day One Without Tony On Day 98

Our dear friend Tony Hayward is sailing off to Siberia on his shiny yacht now powered by a golden kiss-in-the mail worth a cool £600,000 a year with cases of caviar and bottles of bubbly (that's $928,500 for those...

Tony Hayward Being Shipped Off To Siberia

BP's sacrificial Scottish piñata, Tony Hayward, is not exactly getting his life back. BP is reportedly sending him to Siberia, to run some operation there. Haha, isn't that where the Soviets/Putin send traitors? And didn't Washington just trade the...

I’m About To Get My Life Back, By Tony Hayward

This won't come as a terrible surprise to anyone, I imagine, but the BP board is set to accept my resignation Monday evening and then all the oil in your Gulf waters will simply evaporate, as it was all...

Deathstorm Bonnie Killing Florida, Sets Eye on NOLA on Day 95

Deathstorm Bonnie is currently taking its talents to South Beach and raining and blowing really hard but not much else. Bonnie is a disorganized mess cut up by wind shear but that isn't stopping her from wreaking all kinds...

The Deathstorm in the Sea Keeps on Churnin’ On Day 94

After losing strength over what's left of Haiti, The Deathstorm hit open water, started gobbling steroids, and now has its eye set on breaking Hurricane Katrina's home run record. The Deathstorm is currently named "III," or "three" for those...

Tropical Deathstorm Forming, Could Impact Spill, But Not On Day 93

Just when you thought that everything was returning to normal in the Black Gulf (OMG IS THAT RACIST?!? PLEASE DON'T FIRE ME GREAT AND POWERFUL EDITOR KEN LAYNE!!11!! BREITBART CAN HAZ TEH VIDEOS!) there appears to be a tropical...

Don’t Worry About the Tiny Bubbles On Day 92

Now that the oil spill/disaster/catastrophe is finally over (?!), BP is looking into another option to seal the well called "static kill" or "bullheading." Static Kill involves shooting heavy mud and ground-up chunks of Haley Barbour into the well....