disasters
Cool Republican Bro Had Fun Spreading Dumb Fake Hurricane Rumors Last Night
Good morning, New Yorkers! We hope that you are reading these words right now, because that means you have power and Internet access and probably are in your own home, which we sincerely hope is not soggy and gross! Last night was pretty bad for New York, but we know that not everyone can be [...]
Mitt Romney Says Helping America’s Tornado Victims Is ‘Immoral’
Tornadoes and floods and wildfires and droughts and other biblical plagues have been killing Americans and destroying their towns all year long, but constipated mannequin Mitt Romney wants to be seen as a real tough-guy Tea Party asshole these days. So he told a crowd that helping storm victims is “immoral” and that it also [...]
Uh Oh: Ben Quayle In Charge of Our Earthquake Preparedness
A true disaster: Time to move away from those fault lines. There’s no way you’re safe now. If it’s humanly possible to cause earthquakes, that will probably be the result of this. Obviously, this is an crisis. [Twitter]
Sarah Palin Loses 40% of Her TeeVee Audience In One Week
It’s fun to watch a train wreck once. Deadline Hollywood reports on Palin’s huge collapse in ratings since her dumb show premiered on basic cable: Sarah Palin lost almost half of her premiere audience in the second airing of her TLC reality series Sarah Palin’s Alaska. On Sunday, the series executive produced by Mark Burnett, [...]
Whoops: Mile-Long Oil Spill Spreading From Burning Rig
Happy 5th Katrina Anniversary, Louisiana! And don’t feel bad because, uh, New England is getting your Labor Day Weekend hurricane. You’ve got a new oil spill! AP/WWL Channel 4 New Orleans reports: Coast Guard spokesman Bill Colclough said all 13 people have been accounted for and that one of them was injured. The injured person [...]
Hooray, The Well Is Dead, For Now!
BP and the Coast Guard are reporting that the reverse-cowgirl-static-kill-butt-well-plug was successful and that only 25% of the oil spilled is still in the Gulf of Mexico. Time to pop the bubbly and eat some shrimp…oh wait, there’s no shrimp left? Damn. Um, how about some oysters…no oysters? Uh, let’s have crabs, yeah crabs. Oh [...]
Have You Forgotten About the Dead Turtles On Day 106?
The static kill sex position procedure is slated to begin today, if it didn’t start last night while Doctor Jindal was sleeping. The process of shoving mud and shooting cement down the throat of the well may actually kill the well and nullify the need to use the relief wells. The engineers are concerned that [...]
Happy 100th Birthday, Deepwater Horizon!
Remember the Islands of Doctor Jindal? Well it turns out that the future president of ‘Merica may be wrong after all. Washington elites Several scientists from local universities and aquatic research centers have signed letters and sent postcards saying he is an idiot who likes to wear fur coats while looking good on the teevee.
Day One Without Tony On Day 98
Our dear friend Tony Hayward is sailing off to Siberia on his shiny yacht now powered by a golden kiss-in-the mail worth a cool £600,000 a year with cases of caviar and bottles of bubbly (that’s $928,500 for those of you who speak American). What will Tony do with all his Ron Paul Gold? Perhaps [...]
Tony Hayward Being Shipped Off To Siberia
BP’s sacrificial Scottish piñata, Tony Hayward, is not exactly getting his life back. BP is reportedly sending him to Siberia, to run some operation there. Haha, isn’t that where the Soviets/Putin send traitors? And didn’t Washington just trade the Sexy Spy and her yuppie buddies for some Russian scientist who had been held in a [...]
I’m About To Get My Life Back, By Tony Hayward
This won’t come as a terrible surprise to anyone, I imagine, but the BP board is set to accept my resignation Monday evening and then all the oil in your Gulf waters will simply evaporate, as it was all my fault. Bit of levity, right? This will be my final contribution to your Wonkette, as [...]
Deathstorm Bonnie Killing Florida, Sets Eye on NOLA on Day 95
Deathstorm Bonnie is currently taking its talents to South Beach and raining and blowing really hard but not much else. Bonnie is a disorganized mess cut up by wind shear but that isn’t stopping her from wreaking all kinds of havoc: relief-well drilling and cleanup operations have been suspended until the storm passes. It has, [...]
The Deathstorm in the Sea Keeps on Churnin’ On Day 94
After losing strength over what’s left of Haiti, The Deathstorm hit open water, started gobbling steroids, and now has its eye set on breaking Hurricane Katrina’s home run record. The Deathstorm is currently named “III,” or “three” for those of you who aren’t subjects of the Roman Empire. Once it increases in strength and size [...]
Tropical Deathstorm Forming, Could Impact Spill, But Not On Day 93
Just when you thought that everything was returning to normal in the Black Gulf (OMG IS THAT RACIST?!? PLEASE DON’T FIRE ME GREAT AND POWERFUL EDITOR KEN LAYNE!!11!! BREITBART CAN HAZ TEH VIDEOS!) there appears to be a tropical death-storm forming in the Caribbean Sea. Presently it has a 60% chance of forming into a [...]
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