Tag Archives: disasters

  tales of epic trolling

Cool Republican Bro Had Fun Spreading Dumb Fake Hurricane Rumors Last Night

Good morning, New Yorkers! We hope that you are reading these words right now, because that means you have power and Internet access and probably are in your own home, which we sincerely hope is not soggy and gross! Last night was pretty bad for New York, but we know that not everyone can be out protecting the public or repairing downed power lines or carrying sick babies to safety, so many were at a loss as to how to conduct themselves in this treacherous hour. Some read, or dicked around on the Internet, or Instagrammed pictures of destruction, while others, including an extremely minor GOP NYC luminary who went by ComfortablySmug on Twitter, just stone cold spread a bunch of fake rumors about storm damage, for kicks. Read more on Cool Republican Bro Had Fun Spreading Dumb Fake Hurricane Rumors Last Night…
  mormon jesus hates america

Mitt Romney Says Helping America’s Tornado Victims Is ‘Immoral’

Tornadoes and floods and wildfires and droughts and other biblical plagues have been killing Americans and destroying their towns all year long, but constipated mannequin Mitt Romney wants to be seen as a real tough-guy Tea Party asshole these days. So he told a crowd that helping storm victims is “immoral” and that it also “makes no sense.” Just let those stupid Midwestern people die already! If Mormon Jesus wanted Americans in the Heartland to be alive, he wouldn’t have killed them with a constant parade of devastating megastorms! Read more on Mitt Romney Says Helping America’s Tornado Victims Is ‘Immoral’…
  goes great with more offshore drilling

Obama Administration Picks Tokyo Electric To Build U.S. Nuke Plant

The environmentalist wackos in the Obama Administration “asked Congress to provide a $4 billion loan guarantee for two new nuclear reactors to be built and operated on the Gulf Coast of Texas — by Tokyo Electric Power and local partners,” ha ha. Because there’s nothing greener than money nuclear power, built by a scandal-plagued Japanese company now presiding over the biggest nuclear-power disaster in history. (Okay, maybe Obama’s beloved “clean coal” is a teeny bit more green than nuclear fallout facilities on the Gulf of Mexico.) Anyway, let’s hear it for Tokyo Electric Power! Experts say this company has been running insanely dangerous nuke plants for years, and has badly bungled the response to the earthquake damage — in terms of safety announcements, public relations and that whole “nuclear holocaust/meltdown” thing. Read more on Obama Administration Picks Tokyo Electric To Build U.S. Nuke Plant…
  but she's president now!

Sarah Palin Loses 40% of Her TeeVee Audience In One Week

It’s fun to watch a train wreck once. Deadline Hollywood reports on Palin’s huge collapse in ratings since her dumb show premiered on basic cable: Sarah Palin lost almost half of her premiere audience in the second airing of her TLC reality series Sarah Palin’s Alaska. On Sunday, the series executive produced by Mark Burnett, drew 3 million viewers. That is down 40% from the 5 million who tuned in for the debut last Sunday. Read more on Sarah Palin Loses 40% of Her TeeVee Audience In One Week…
  oily pelicans

Hooray, The Well Is Dead, For Now!

BP and the Coast Guard are reporting that the reverse-cowgirl-static-kill-butt-well-plug was successful and that only 25% of the oil spilled is still in the Gulf of Mexico. Time to pop the bubbly and eat some shrimp…oh wait, there’s no shrimp left? Damn. Um, how about some oysters…no oysters? Uh, let’s have crabs, yeah crabs. Oh those are dead too? Fine, I’ll guess I’ll eat cat food. Read more on Hooray, The Well Is Dead, For Now!… Read more on Hooray, The Well Is Dead, For Now!…
  oily pelicans

Have You Forgotten About the Dead Turtles On Day 106?

The static kill sex position procedure is slated to begin today, if it didn’t start last night while Doctor Jindal was sleeping. The process of shoving mud and shooting cement down the throat of the well may actually kill the well and nullify the need to use the relief wells. The engineers are concerned that shooting stuff all over the place may damage the fleshy flap seal called the annulus. Read more on Have You Forgotten About the Dead Turtles On Day 106?… Read more on Have You Forgotten About the Dead Turtles On Day 106?…
  oily pelicans

Happy 100th Birthday, Deepwater Horizon!

Remember the Islands of Doctor Jindal? Well it turns out that the future president of ‘Merica may be wrong after all. Washington elites Several scientists from local universities and aquatic research centers have signed letters and sent postcards saying he is an idiot who likes to wear fur coats while looking good on the teevee. Read more on Happy 100th Birthday, Deepwater Horizon!… Read more on Happy 100th Birthday, Deepwater Horizon!…
  oil pelicans

Day One Without Tony On Day 98

Our dear friend Tony Hayward is sailing off to Siberia on his shiny yacht now powered by a golden kiss-in-the mail worth a cool £600,000 a year with cases of caviar and bottles of bubbly (that’s $928,500 for those of you who speak American). What will Tony do with all his Ron Paul Gold? Perhaps buy another Ron Paul blimp to survey the oil spill. Read more on Day One Without Tony On Day 98… Read more on Day One Without Tony On Day 98…
  late-period john le carre novels

Tony Hayward Being Shipped Off To Siberia

BP’s sacrificial Scottish piñata, Tony Hayward, is not exactly getting his life back. BP is reportedly sending him to Siberia, to run some operation there. Haha, isn’t that where the Soviets/Putin send traitors? And didn’t Washington just trade the Sexy Spy and her yuppie buddies for some Russian scientist who had been held in a Russian Prison Camp? And didn’t Vladimir Putin just spend a chill weekend with the deported Russian spies, just cold singing karaoke and keeping it real about the spy business? And didn’t the reported new BP CEO barely escape from Russia with his life? Read more on Tony Hayward Being Shipped Off To Siberia…
  i'd like my life back

I’m About To Get My Life Back, By Tony Hayward

This won’t come as a terrible surprise to anyone, I imagine, but the BP board is set to accept my resignation Monday evening and then all the oil in your Gulf waters will simply evaporate, as it was all my fault. Bit of levity, right? This will be my final contribution to your Wonkette, as well, and I can’t say I’ll miss this exercise in self-flagellation. Bob Dudley will take over formally, I’m told, and I do hope his “born on the bayou” muck-savage routine wins over your muppet news presenters. Read more on I’m About To Get My Life Back, By Tony Hayward…
  oily pelicans

Deathstorm Bonnie Killing Florida, Sets Eye on NOLA on Day 95

Deathstorm Bonnie is currently taking its talents to South Beach and raining and blowing really hard but not much else. Bonnie is a disorganized mess cut up by wind shear but that isn’t stopping her from wreaking all kinds of havoc: relief-well drilling and cleanup operations have been suspended until the storm passes. It has, however, been downgraded to a Tropical Depression. You know who else is depressed? All the oily pelicans and flaming turtles. Read more on Deathstorm Bonnie Killing Florida, Sets Eye on NOLA on Day 95… Read more on Deathstorm Bonnie Killing Florida, Sets Eye on NOLA on Day 95…
  oily pelicans

The Deathstorm in the Sea Keeps on Churnin’ On Day 94

After losing strength over what’s left of Haiti, The Deathstorm hit open water, started gobbling steroids, and now has its eye set on breaking Hurricane Katrina’s home run record. The Deathstorm is currently named “III,” or “three” for those of you who aren’t subjects of the Roman Empire. Once it increases in strength and size it will be known as Bonnie. Meanwhile, near the Land of Drug Cartels, another deathstorm is forming, but its current status is illegal until further notice. Admiralissimo Allen has decreed that the Wondercap will remain closed in the event of a major storm. Track the storm with USA Today’s fancy graphic. Read more on The Deathstorm in the Sea Keeps on Churnin’ On Day 94… Read more on The Deathstorm in the Sea Keeps on Churnin’ On Day 94…
  oily pelicans

Tropical Deathstorm Forming, Could Impact Spill, But Not On Day 93

Just when you thought that everything was returning to normal in the Black Gulf (OMG IS THAT RACIST?!? PLEASE DON’T FIRE ME GREAT AND POWERFUL EDITOR KEN LAYNE!!11!! BREITBART CAN HAZ TEH VIDEOS!) there appears to be a tropical death-storm forming in the Caribbean Sea. Presently it has a 60% chance of forming into a tropical death-storm. Where will it go? Just like the cleanup operations, nobody knows — but it will likely crash into Florida or end up stirring shit up in the Gulf. Read more on Tropical Deathstorm Forming, Could Impact Spill, But Not On Day 93… Read more on Tropical Deathstorm Forming, Could Impact Spill, But Not On Day 93…
  oily pelicans

Don’t Worry About the Tiny Bubbles On Day 92

Now that the oil spill/disaster/catastrophe is finally over (?!), BP is looking into another option to seal the well called “static kill” or “bullheading.” Static Kill involves shooting heavy mud and ground-up chunks of Haley Barbour into the well. You can add these methods to “top hat,” “top kill,” and “junk shot” on the list of dirty oil sex maneuvers that you’ve been inspired to try by BP. Read more on Don’t Worry About the Tiny Bubbles On Day 92… Read more on Don’t Worry About the Tiny Bubbles On Day 92…
  oily pelicans

That’s Some Serious Seepage On Day 91

Seepage and “undetermined anomalies at the well head” are being reported during the extended test phase of this fancy new wondercap. There are no pictures of this legendary seepage but the mere mention of the word is reminding everyone of watching uncomfortable Depends commercials with their grandparents. The Coast Guard is going to let BP keep the cap on anyway, for some reason. Read more on That’s Some Serious Seepage On Day 91… Read more on That’s Some Serious Seepage On Day 91…
  oily pelicans

It’s Our New Daily Oil Disaster Roundup!

Scantily clad Greenpeace and Earthjustice hippies are simultaneously covering themselves in chocolate and suing BP. Impressive. [New Orleans Times Picayune] The new contraption on the oil well is fixed again. It is ready to drink its milkshake until it breaks again. [Houston Chronicle/New York Times] Roving gangs of New Black Panthers and ACORNS vandalize BP gas stations in rural Alabama with boring slogans in funny construction-orange spray paint. [Mobile Press Register] In the rare event that everything is going according to plan in the body of water formerly known as the Gulf of Mexico, there’s plenty of clear and concise information. When the shit is hitting the fan, like right now, the energy nerds at The Oil Drum deploy technical jargon and pictures edited with Paintbrush to explain exactly what the robots are doing deep in the black sea. [The Oil Drum] “There are plenty of oiled babies out there.” [Biloxi Sun Herald] Read more on It’s Our New Daily Oil Disaster Roundup!…
  it's morning in america

Obama’s Robot Gets Well Cap Back On Just In Time For Hurricane

The robot knocked off the containment cap from the mile-deep underwater oil gusher, but now the cap is back in place after many grim hours when the well was spewing out 104,000 gallons per hour. And what’s there over there, east of Cuba? Just an ominous “tropical wave” that could become the season’s first Tropical Storm (or Category 5 hurricane). And this is your BP Deepwater Horizon oil spill update for the day: inept robots, cruel nature and environmental disaster. How bad is this for Barack Obama the Afghan War Chieftain? Read more on Obama’s Robot Gets Well Cap Back On Just In Time For Hurricane… Read more on Obama’s Robot Gets Well Cap Back On Just In Time For Hurricane…
  drill judgey drill

Hooray! We Can All Go Deep-Water Drill the Gulf Of Mexico Again!

JUDGE BLOCK DEE-WATER DRILLING MORATIORIUM, say the Associated Presses, all grammatical-like. That’s right! Rand Paul 1, Statists 0. U.S. District Judge Martin Feldman in New Orleans decided New Orleans has not had enough trouble. “What we need, folks, is more oil spills up in here,” he probably said, though who knows because BREAKING NEWS. So if you want to drill for stuff, don’t listen to the Interior Department or the President, listen to this judge in Louisiana. Just maybe try to be careful when you’re drilling. There’s a lot of oil about, so it’s kind of hard to see what you’re doing in there. [AP] Read more on Hooray! We Can All Go Deep-Water Drill the Gulf Of Mexico Again!…
  change we can believe in

Ken Salazar Bravely Changes Name of Federal Oil Drilling Office

You know what’s awful? That mineral-management whatzit agency that let BP crap oil all over the Gulf of Mexico forever. How can America best change its dangerous, corrupt mining policies? And what was it called, again? Jesus doesn’t anybody remember anything in this country? No? Well, anyway, to change the subject, have you heard about America’s great new Interior Department department dedicated to the careful and prudent regulation of offshore drilling, which has always been illegal in America? Let’s tour this nation’s finest regulatory agency, which was created by Jacques Cousteau some three centuries ago! Read more on Ken Salazar Bravely Changes Name of Federal Oil Drilling Office…
  sarah palin twitter

Sarah Palin Begs Allah To Plug the Danged Hole

Noted oil-industry shill Sarah Palin is so darned upset about that oil spill down in Mexico’s Gulf of New Orleans, she’s ready to beg for mercy at the feet of the Biggest Government of All. Why won’t Sarah Palin use her real-‘murican can-do spirit to plug the danged hole instead of leaning on God, who at best is an indifferent deity and at worst (for her) actually died of shame the day Sarah Palin was born. [Twitter via Wonkette operative “Carol S.”] Read more on Sarah Palin Begs Allah To Plug the Danged Hole…