Wonkette

Washingtonians may have noticed slightly after 3 p.m. a darkening of the skies to almost pitch-black, followed by rain, lightning, hail, and tornadoes. According to the Washington Post, “On Capitol Hill, a congressional hearing was suspended and everyone was urged to stay clear of the windows.” Wonkette has confirmed with Jesus that he sent these tornadoes to Capitol Hill at the request of Hillary Clinton, with whom he has been having a tasteless affair. The tornadoes were designed to destroy the Capitol building when Obama was distracted and beating up Joe Lieberman. Jesus had a rare moment of compassion, however, and diverted the storm at the last minute so that it only destroyed the Dirksen office building. Hillary was so saddened that she ate Jesus, but then she brightened when she remembered that there are still 26 days left in June. [Washington Post]

Roll Call has confirmed through anonymous sources that U.S. Capitol Police Officer Karen Emory has been suspended from duty, although it’s unclear whether the measure is related to recent bathroom fires in congressional office buildings. A Capitol Police spokeswoman declined comment on the issue, saying “We don’t discuss personnel matters.” Emory was the reporting officer on at least one of the fires, so clearly she… umm… started all of them and wants to burn down America, office bathroom by office bathroom. [Roll Call]

As this was posted at the start of a three-day weekend, we must assume that the two involved parties are enjoying their “same sandwich” today. We wish them the best. And we wish we knew whose offices they work out of. MORE »

Cruisin’ at Dirksen!
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