• Today is Day 1 of the Coleman-Franken battle royale. The real winners are the people of Minnesota, and also probably Al Franken. [The Corner]
• Most New Yorkers blame Caroline Kennedy for Caroline Kennedy’s decision to ruin democracy and publicly disgracing the esteemed office of Chuck Schumer’s intern by failing to get a Senate appointment. [CNN Political Ticker]
• Former (!) President George W. Bush won’t be allowed to take all of his diplomacy bonus prizes back to Texas. Such winnings include: the weird cowboy shit given to him by Australia’s PM, a (hardcover) book of sonnets from Putin, and a promise necklace from King Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz al-Saud. [Washington Post]
• Good to know: Bill Kristol was downsized from the Times because he was a terrible writer who made up facts for his weekly sloppy fictions, not because he is a conservative or Sarah Palin’s friend. [Daily Beast]
• RNC Chairperson Marc Ambinder has selected your new Republican Last Great Hope for 2012: it’s pretend human “Dirk Kempthorne,” which is an anagram for “Kathryn Jean Lopez”. [Marc Ambinder]

For the first time since the Great Depression the Secretary of the Interior is making news with a proposal. The Secretary, whose name is… let’s ask Google… Kempthorne, Dirk Kempthorne, “proposed new regulations Wednesday that would allow people to carry a concealed weapon in some national parks and wildlife refuges.” Someone has been stealing Kempthorne’s pic-a-nic baskets recently, and he is Bitter and Clinging To Guns? Or maybe he’s just going through a terrible divorce/lobotomy. MORE »

Politicians: they have bad luck on boats! Last Friday, Rudy Giuliani was happily riding a ferry of some kind in Michigan when he was set upon and attacked by a horde of vicious Ron Paul supporters demanding to know what he did with all the gold from the World Trade Centers and asking why he let Cheney do 9/11. According to a local GOP activist, the Paultards threatened to throw Rudy overboard. He eventually “took shelter in the ferry’s pilothouse for the 15-minute journey,” according to the Detroit Free Press. “It was awful,” says the activist, who has no sense of humor. But like we said a minute ago, boats are just bad news for politicians, as the New Yorker reveals in their October 1 issue. Examples include: MORE »

Need to teach tolerance at your workplace? Try Diversity Beans! What the hell are those, you ask? We’ll let Jelly the Pan-African Bean explain:

What kind of horrible corporate hell of a workplace would order a bunch of gelatinous orbs to impart an idiotic lesson in dimestore multiculturalism? Why, your Department of the Interior, of course, who (according to an adamantly intolerant source close to a DoI employee) will soon be foisting the Diversity Bean upon employees at your expense ($6/lb of beans, $10/lesson plan, $17.50/candy jar, etc.). MORE »

Remember Dirk Kempthore? The new guy at the Department of the Interior? Oh, you know, the one with the sham marriage and long-time mistress (Yeah, we know we misidentified Kempthorne in that picture — we’ll fix it later). Right, that one. Yeah, he’ll be livin’ it up bachelor-stylee once he hits the District: MORE »

* President Bush moves to replace Gale Norton as Interior Secretary with Dirk Kempthorne — who may have some skeletons in his closet (and is less popular than Spuddy Buddy). MORE »

Here is a picture of the President with people who have names like “Dirk” and “Butch Otter” and “Spuddy Buddy.” MORE »

One of these men is the new Secretary of the Interior — try to guess which! MORE »