Oh noes, Secretary Clinton won’t be going on previously scheduled trips abroad this week, due to having her elbow amputated and replaced with a bionic joint that shoots laser beams and takes orders directly from the president, Dick Cheney. She needs to rest up and not shake hands with anybody, which means that attendees of international conferences in Trieste and Corfu will have to shake hands with two other jokers from the State Department instead. And THAT is how World War III will start tomorrow. [Washington Post]

Nobody really knows what Hillary Clinton has been up to, work-wise, since she started her Secretary of State-ing a couple months ago. She went to China or somesuch, yes? And went on a bunch of international teevee programs and suffered through important geopolitical inquiries such as when she fell in love with her husband? Well, 7 in 10 of us approve of the performance of America’s top diplomat, so hooray, she will not be boiled in a cauldron of hot oil next week as previously scheduled. [CNN]

Bill Clinton is, without question, going to ruin the world at some point during his wife’s tenure as Secretary of State. Although some may call this “Clinton Derangement Syndrome,” or whatever the cool term is these days for completely distrusting two people in everything they do, let’s check out Bill Clinton’s first big action after promising to keep a lower profile: getting drunk with Putin at the Davos World Economic Forum, and then holding a long chat with him in a private room guarded by Secret Service agents! MORE »

Well looky here at who’s getting too big for her lipsticks! It’s the most presumptuous celebrity in the world, Alaskan teleprompter fraud Sarah Palin. She’ll be meeting with various foreign dignitaries at the U.N. next week in order to show dubious Americans that she can, uh, sit down for crab cakes and fizzy water with the Sultan of Dubai. We are pretty sure this is tantamount to treason, meeting with all these people who can’t even vote in America. How nauseating to see somebody showboating around all glamorous-like with international superstars when there’s real work to do at home in the Real America (not New York). COUNTRY FIRST, PALIN. [Washington Wire]

Holy crap, did you know there’s a Republican Congressman named “Thad McCotter”? That was the actual name of every Congressman to serve before 1900. But the McCotter Who Survived, here, is a wonderful educator, too! Look at him explain, on the House floor, and with a ruler, the art of “Speaking Democrat.” He proves that in the Democrat tongue, “DIPLOMACY = MAGIC.” The Democrats are Harry Potter and his wizard friends! Another favorite: “GOVERNMENT = SOCIALISM,” which is a step up from Marxism at least. Teach us more! THAD = RAD. [YouTube]

What the hell’s wrong with Bob Gates, the Defense Secretary no one ever talks about? Recently he’s been running his yap with all sorts of liberal Democrat treasonspeak — just like Barack Obama, a known member of Hamas and Hezbollah and the Weather Underground. Apparently he *doesn’t* want to bomb Iran or Syria, or even France! Not only that, he says it’s counterproductive to even consider bombing these countries that need to be bombed. MORE »

Here is a photo of France’s new First Lady arriving in England with her midget husband. Her outfit speaks diplomatic volumes: flats, so as not to tower over M. Sarkozy; modest tweed, so as to remind Camilla of her youth back in the Depression. (In turn, Camilla wears a trashy befeathered nightmare hat because she is a tart.) But the real question is, why would a rail-thin former model be sporting a little belly pooch? We smell shotgun wedding. [The Sun]

Ha ha, it turns out that Hillary Clinton even lies with her lying about her harrowing overseas adventures. First she says she once ran screaming through the streets of Tuzla smeared with the blood of Bosnian snipers as she singlehandedly brought peace to Northern Ireland; then she says she was the first president’s wife to visit a war zone since Eleanor Roosevelt. Wrong again, Pantsuit! That honor goes to Pat Nixon, who visited Vietnam with Sinbad way back in 1969. MORE »

Oh Nancy Pelosi’s so cool, she’s the first female Speaker of the House! She wears chic outfits! She’s from San Francisco! She hates China and loves freedom! And now she’s palling around with the Dalai Lama, because she is the most sanctimonious California libtard since Richard Gere got exiled to a hamster sanctuary in Wyoming. MORE »

Apparently, the president has caught wind of the fact that his visionary leadership has driven world opinion of This Great Nation into the shitter, forcing American students all over the world to act Canadian. And Bush will spend calendar year 2008 traveling abroad to restore our tattered image. Or at least that’s the angle in this Bloomberg story. We have to admit guys, we’re skeptical. MORE »

John Bolton, former U.S. ambassador to the United Nations and overall sack of shit, is taking his grievances with American foreign policy to the German press now, and they are quite grievancesy! In an interview with the Fatherland’s Spiegel, Bolton claims that Bush’s “foreign policy is in free fall” now that he’s talking to gross people like Iran and Syria. But John Bolton is John Bolton, and he blames it on that chick at the State department, Rice or whatever, for going all vagina-ish on the Administration’s manly sensibilities. MORE »