JOHN KERRY IS SO DIPLOMATIC, HE SHOULD BE SECRETARY OF STATE!: When a reporter suggested that he had become the “de facto secretary of state,” Kerry grew flustered, sputtering, “I don’t want — you know, I don’t even — I don’t think that’s appropriate, de facto, whatever, whatever.” [Washington Post]

Michael Steele! It has been a full forty-five minutes since he has last tempted John Boehner to actually murder him. Things are quiet… too quiet. Back on The Streets when things were too quiet, this meant that one of the Street People had to make a move. You can bet your Boston Terrier that Michael Steele has internalized the Street Lessons. John Boehner would be a FOOL if for one second he really believed that Michael Steele considered the GOP’s threats to be hip OR hop, ho ho ho! Manifestly, that sort of arrogance would get him GUN-KILLED back on the Streets! Michael Steele’s hatred of John Boehner is literally the only possible explanation for Steele’s latest thing: publicly announcing how much he loves ACORN’s leader, despite, of course, despising the work that she does and everything she stands for. MORE »

• TREASONOUS ‘TALKING’ WITH IRAN CLEARLY FURTHERS CASE FOR BOMBING IRAN: “GENEVA — Iran and the big powers opposed to its nuclear program appeared to make progress Thursday in talks that included the highest-level direct discussions with the United States in many years, with both sides agreeing to hold further negotiations and the Iranians pledging to allow foreign inspectors into a newly disclosed uranium enrichment factory.” Upcoming Washington Post column: Should America Arm the Inspectors With Suitcase Nukes To Drop Discreetly Across The Country, Or Some Other Cool 24-ish Death Thing? [NYT]

Over the weekend, Mike Huckabee spoke at a “How to Take Back America” conference, an event notable for the fact that it apparently exists. Anyway, obviously in taking back America, Huckabee must start by identifying who took it in the first place, when there must have been something good on TV and no one was looking. No surprises there: it was the crafty Foreigns, who must have planned the taking of America in one of their many languages! Ha! Well, let’s see them try to steal America again after America takes Huckabee up on his suggestion to somehow literally saw off the east side of Midtown Manhattan and let the U.N. float away across the Atlantic, to somewhere that wants it, like to Saudi Arabia, who want it so bad they MADE WAR WITH IT, on 9/11! MORE »

You know how some business trips end up with everybody naked in the hot tub singing Don’t Stop Believin’, and others end with everybody awkwardly standing around making small talk while furtively glancing at their watches? Bill Clinton’s North Korea summer vacation trip likely falls into the latter category, which is a historical first for Bill Clinton. [The Awl via ... North Korea Propaganda Office, maybe?]

Soothsaying raconteur Martin Peretz has a little story for you. Come children, gather ye rosebuds, for it is time to hear the sorry tale of Sidney Blumenthal, who is, at this very moment, maybe already on Hillary Clinton’s travel diplomacy team! You see, Blumenthal once worked for Peretz at the New Republic magazine, a “The Spine” avant la lettre, if you will. Despite knowing absolutely nothing about foreign policy (or literally anything) and overcoming his debilitating addiction to borrowing $3000 from Peretz and not paying him back, Blumenthal ascended the ranks of Peretz’s Arabic-language fiction quarterly!  Sacre Blume! MORE »

Oh noes, Secretary Clinton won’t be going on previously scheduled trips abroad this week, due to having her elbow amputated and replaced with a bionic joint that shoots laser beams and takes orders directly from the president, Dick Cheney. She needs to rest up and not shake hands with anybody, which means that attendees of international conferences in Trieste and Corfu will have to shake hands with two other jokers from the State Department instead. And THAT is how World War III will start tomorrow. [Washington Post]

Nobody really knows what Hillary Clinton has been up to, work-wise, since she started her Secretary of State-ing a couple months ago. She went to China or somesuch, yes? And went on a bunch of international teevee programs and suffered through important geopolitical inquiries such as when she fell in love with her husband? Well, 7 in 10 of us approve of the performance of America’s top diplomat, so hooray, she will not be boiled in a cauldron of hot oil next week as previously scheduled. [CNN]

Bill Clinton is, without question, going to ruin the world at some point during his wife’s tenure as Secretary of State. Although some may call this “Clinton Derangement Syndrome,” or whatever the cool term is these days for completely distrusting two people in everything they do, let’s check out Bill Clinton’s first big action after promising to keep a lower profile: getting drunk with Putin at the Davos World Economic Forum, and then holding a long chat with him in a private room guarded by Secret Service agents! MORE »

Well looky here at who’s getting too big for her lipsticks! It’s the most presumptuous celebrity in the world, Alaskan teleprompter fraud Sarah Palin. She’ll be meeting with various foreign dignitaries at the U.N. next week in order to show dubious Americans that she can, uh, sit down for crab cakes and fizzy water with the Sultan of Dubai. We are pretty sure this is tantamount to treason, meeting with all these people who can’t even vote in America. How nauseating to see somebody showboating around all glamorous-like with international superstars when there’s real work to do at home in the Real America (not New York). COUNTRY FIRST, PALIN. [Washington Wire]

Holy crap, did you know there’s a Republican Congressman named “Thad McCotter”? That was the actual name of every Congressman to serve before 1900. But the McCotter Who Survived, here, is a wonderful educator, too! Look at him explain, on the House floor, and with a ruler, the art of “Speaking Democrat.” He proves that in the Democrat tongue, “DIPLOMACY = MAGIC.” The Democrats are Harry Potter and his wizard friends! Another favorite: “GOVERNMENT = SOCIALISM,” which is a step up from Marxism at least. Teach us more! THAD = RAD. [YouTube]