We didn’t really bother writing about the case of Bill Sparkman, the brutally murdered census worker in Kentucky who was found with “FED” carved into his chest, because the narrative was too boring and predictable: liberals would immediately type about how this murder was yet again the fault of Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly for the way they talk on television; conservatives would respond with something even more ludicrous, like “the killer was actually a liberal who loves public options” or “the guy was killed for being a child predator, a.k.a. a liberal, so it’s fine;” and Wonkette would finally chime in to make fun of the funniest conservative claim. Well here we are at part three! Let’s actualize it: Ha ha, conservative blogger Dan Riehl DOESN’T WANT TO MAKE ANY CONCLUSIONS, and doesn’t have any facts, but hey, maybe Bill Sparkman fucked kids constantly and this was just a retaliation? It could be true or it could be not true! MORE »

JOHN EDWARDS WANTED HIS WIFE TO DIE CONSTANTLY: The New York Times obliterated John Edwards this weekend, with its report about how he’s preparing to FINALLY be like, “yeah that’s mah baby.” Most terrifying part: “In the [book] proposal, which The New York Times examined, [former aide Andrew] Young says that he assisted the affair by setting up private meetings between Mr. Edwards and Ms. Hunter. He wrote that Mr. Edwards once calmed an anxious Ms. Hunter by promising her that after his wife died, he would marry her in a rooftop ceremony in New York with an appearance by the Dave Matthews Band.” Ace job, bro! [NYT]

You may have seen on the Internets this morning various excerpts from what appears to be GQ’s answer to Vanity Fair’s Levi Johnston article, in terms of the great “which major New York magazine can publish the weirdest and least fact-checkable 10-page fart of targeted-readership porn” journalism wars. “Matt Latimer,” a late-term speechwriter for George W. Bush, has written a snippy sack of anecdotes from his time in/near the White House during the 2008 presidential race, the Wall Street collapse, etc etc. It could have been an interesting read, but here’s the problem: it’s not. It is one of the shittiest pieces of writing, ever, or at least since Uncle Tom’s Cabin. Did you know that not a single person in the White House knew anything about anything except for smug mid-level stenographer “Matt Latimer,” according to Matt Latimer? MORE »

George Will is such a hot potato right now! BUT A SPINELESS POTATO? He received so much publicity for his other column a few days ago — when he “stunned” Washington by “going Galt” and calling for an end to the millenia-old Afghanistan war, making him the first very serious important pundit to do so, ever — that now he’s like, “Iraq is also no good.” Hmm where’d he get that idea? Probably the Huffington Post or Al Gore one of the other Internet places. MORE »

Sorry but this might be a “LOCALS ONLY” post and the rest of you are just going to have to deal with that, okay? Okay. PSST, HUMANS IN WASHINGTON: our local professional sports team, the Redskins, who play in Maryland, is the worst organization on Earth! MORE »

America’s greatest company, AIG, has a new CEO! How should he introduce himself to the American public, which has like an 80 percent stake in his company, but doesn’t really “own” it? As an industrious servant of the common man, of course! And that he does, in his big “debut” interview, with Reuters: “DUBROVNIK, Croatia (Reuters)—Wearing flip-flops, khaki shorts and a green polo shirt, the new chief executive of bailed-out insurer American International Group (AIG) says he’s getting a lot of work done from his massive villa overlooking the Adriatic. ‘People criticize me for being on vacation. I actually started work a week before I was actually supposed to,’ Robert Benmosche told Reuters in an interview.” Good lord. Things must be just stable enough now that these robberbarons don’t have to give a shit anymore about presenting themselves through shiny, remorseful PR channels. [Reuters]

L.A. TIMES TEEVEE LISTINGS COPY EDITOR TO BE ‘WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD’ EVERY NIGHT FOR THE NEXT YEAR: A correction from the print edition of today’s Los Angeles Times: “FOR THE RECORD: TV listings: The Prime-Time TV grid in Thursday’s Calendar section mistakenly listed MTV’s ‘Jackass’ show on the MSNBC cable schedule at 7 and 10 p.m. where instead MSNBC’s ‘Countdown With Keith Olbermann’ should have been listed.” THIS ES OUTRAGE! [LA Times]

United States Senator Ben Cardin of Maryland has a nephew in politics! You knew this. But did you know that said nephew, state delegate Jon Cardin, is a tacky dingbat who should probably resign after diverting scarce police resources from MURDER INVESTIGATIONS to his dumb boat for the purpose of scaring his girlfriend into marrying him? MORE »

Look, it’s the adorable newlywed Melody Barnes discussing with a straight(ish) face the REAL TRUTH behind the much-ballyhooed Panel of Experts who will advise you on the best methods for saving the State the cost of supporting your elderly carcass once you no longer serve as an effective food or work source. Apparently the so-called health care “reformers” just want you to be able to access information about getting a living will. Occam’s razor here, folks! What’s more believable: that Obama wants to encourage people to communicate more with their doctors, or that this Barnes character is just some alien android created expressly for eugenics propaganda purposes? [Health Insurance Reform Reality Check]

A number of understandably perplexed readers have forwarded us this weird, offensive e-mail from the notorious spammer “Mitch Stewart, BarackObama.com,” who wants us to donate money to the DNC — one dollar a day “until real health insurance reform is signed into law,” so as to “show the insurance companies and their allies in Congress that their delay tactics will only make our movement stronger.” Well that’s a great idea, pretend Obama organizing troupe at the DNC! But down here on Planet Earth, we’re going to tell you “no,” and also maybe to eat a bag of lightly salted poison rat dicks. MORE »

Well hats off to Senator Byron Dorgan, who read about the Treasury’s proposed “Humor In The Workplace” presentations for Bureau of the Public Debt employees, called the Department to complain, issued a few grandstanding words about Wasting Taxpayers’ Money, and got the events canceled. Good for you, asshole. Two 3-hour presentations from a fun clown at $15 an hour. You just saved the American taxpayers a whole $90, aimed at bringing some levity to what must be one of the government’s most soul-crushing office environments. You’re a hero, Byron Dorgan. And if money’s the problem, your Wonkette editors will gladly and patriotically lead these presentations for free. Intern Riley is good at drawing and stuff. [The Hill]