Tag: dildos

NOPE!

Ted Cruz’s Grubby, Foreign-Born Hands Feeling Spanky Again

Hey look, it's another person who hates Ted Cruz and his creepy, punchable face. Apparently there was a youngun' in attendance at a Cruz rally in LaPorte, Indiana, and he decided to shout his feelings at the bad Canadian...

We Are Starting To For Real Worry About Ted Cruz’s Wife’s Well-Being

<a href="http://wonkette.com/600012/is-ted-cruz-adulterous-foreign-born-whore-maybe"></a>We have felt sorry for Heidi Cruz quite a bit lately. This is the lady who mayhaps have allegedly been cheated on a million times by her husband, Ted Cruz. Donald Trump retweeted a real yucky picture of her to...

Here Is Your Deep Dive Into The Ted Cruz Dildo Brief

Welcome to your headquarters for comprehensive coverage of Ted Cruz Thinking About Jacking It. We're planning on starting a new vertical that is nothing but stories of Ted Cruz thinking about his penis, your penis, fake penises, and love...

10 Things You Can Masturbate With When President Ted Cruz Outlaws Dildos

Earlier today, we learned that during Ted Cruz's days as the solicitor general of Texas, he and his team fought long and hard to ban the sale of "dildos, artificial vaginas, and other obscene devices." This will likely put those...
Hold on, hold on, still thinkin' ...

Ted Cruz Knows Dildos Are Slippery Slope To Banging Your Sister

<a href="http://wonkette.com/600562/good-christian-girls-riding-dildos-straight-to-hell"></a>Tuesday, we told you about a disturbing trend Astrogliding its way across America, wherein otherwise pure Christian lady humans are losing their Christian salvation by playing with dildos all the time. If only somebody was willing to ride...

Good Christian Girls Riding Dildos Straight To Hell

Listen, sisters in Christ, we need to talk. Have you thought about, if you were to die right this second, where you would spend eternity? Will you get to sit in Jesus's lap while He tells you all the...

Fox News Idiots Wish Fox News Idiots Weren’t So Mad At Fox News Idiots Right Now

Oh no, there is trouble right here in River City, by which we mean at Fox News! And it's all about that Donald Trump boy. SOME PEOPLE at Fox News think he's the bees tits, whereas OTHERS think he...

Oregon Militia Twit Sues America For Being Literally Satan

Haha those Bundy Oregon militia snotweasel dicknose brats finally have something in common with REAL terrorists. Whereas Osama bin Laden's al Qaeda organization liked to think of America as "the Great Satan," militia supporter and "sovereign citizen" Shawna Cox,...
GO AWAY, DILDO PRESENTS!

Oregon Militia Dongweasels Too Good For Free Dildos, We Guess

Awwwww, those jacknugget Bundy militia boys are upset! They've been begging for snacky cakes and Miracle Whip and Tampax and instead everybody's sending them complimentary sex toys, to put inside their fannies and their mouths or maybe to just...

Angry Dude Whips It Out At Sex Shop Over Broken Dingle-Dangle Pump

Penis pumps are no laughing matter; every year they are responsible for a host of unspeakable tragedies, like the time that one dingus got his balls stuck in one. This story therefore deserves to be treated with the utmost...
By the time you see this, I will have had my first Crimmus!

Anna Duggar Wants You To Read Your Weekly Top Ten

Happy day after Christmas, Wonk-Wonks! Did Santa bring you all the dildos you asked for? Gee whiz, we hope so, but probably not, because you're reading this right now. Maybe you can find some at fire sale prices at...

Duggars Edge Out Bristol Palin In ‘Biggest A Idiot’ Contest Once More. Your Weekly Top Ten

HALLOOOOO, WONKERS! It's Sunday afternoon, and that means we are very excited to write the top ten posts of the week at you. Will you be so kind as to click on every single one of them and share...
SAD HUCK.

Mike Huckabee’s Shriveled Manhood Threatened By Gay Homosexual Army Secretary

Oh, poor Mike Huckabee! It seems that not a day goes by when he doesn't wake up to some new terrible gay homosexual Muslim threat to his "religious liberty" or his failing manhood. Sometimes it's how Syrian refugees are...

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Crystal Dildos for Your Crunchy Cooter

Namaste to you, enlightened readers, and once again welcome to the Snake Oil Bulletin. This week we will delve into the universal consciousness that exists within us all. We will explore our inner divinities and open our third...
ISIS cake spokesmodel

Confederate Loser Buys Delicious ISIS Cake From Walmart Bakery, Doesn’t Eat It

Gather 'round, little children, for we have a heartwarming story about Walmart, ISIS, cake, and this one Louisiana dumbass named Chuck Netzhammer, who is very sad about how America is stomping all over his beloved traitor Confederate flag. So,...

CNN EXCLUSIVE: Beware The Flag Of Radical Islamic Dildos And Buttplugs

While The Gays and their friends were priding through streets all over the world, CNN International assignment editor Lucy Pawle reported this shocking discovery at the Gay Pride in London, where she spotted a "quite distinctive man" with a...