Tag Archives: dildos

  Sex Farm. Kansas

Kansas Lets Its Freak Flag Fly

Don't act like you're not impressed
The horses are thoroughly spooked in Kansas, where the Westboro Baptist Church is turning over a new leaf just in time for a giant state-sanctioned dildo sale. Local sources say it’s still unclear whether a state-sanctioned dildo sale is part of the National Socialist platform, but the facts are clear, according to the Kansas City Star. Read more on Kansas Lets Its Freak Flag Fly…
  if you want my dildo you'll have to take it from my cold dead hand

Here Is Your New Favorite Gun Safety PSA Starring Children Playing With Dildos

There aren’t many times we wish we worked in an ad agency, mainly because of things like “taking meetings” and “having to wear pants” and “clients,” but we’d likely have donned pants and attended meetings if it meant we got to make this beautiful “lock up your guns” PSA that features small children mock sword-fighting with dildos they’ve fished out of mommy’s underwear drawer or wherever people that have children keep their sex toys fuck if we know. Read more on Here Is Your New Favorite Gun Safety PSA Starring Children Playing With Dildos…
  'box of dildos' would be a great band name

Here’s Your Video With Glenn Beck Going On And On About Dildos

So here’s two minutes of Glenn Beck talking about the terrible horrible no good very bad thing that happened at a high school in Bellingham, Washington, Glenn’s home town. Basically, a teacher let her drama club students plan their own end-of-year awards ceremony. And high school students being high school students — actually, worse: high school drama club members being high school drama club members, it got raunchy. Rude jokes, rude awards, and casual awfulness. You know. High school stuff. Except that the teacher, Teri Grimes, “a veteran of three decades who is slated to retire after this year,” apparently didn’t step in and censor the kids’ presentation, because she Just Hates America. And also, maybe after nearly thirty years, she thought there was some merit in letting kids design and run their own awards show. Like they do in Communist Roosha. Read more on Here’s Your Video With Glenn Beck Going On And On About Dildos…
  when you think about you you touch yourself

Federal Workers: Free Marital Aids Because You Deserve Love Not Money

So you’ve been furloughed. You’re probably wandering around the house in a bathrobe, thinking it would be cool to leave the house, but then thinking that you probably should not leave the house because of the whole part where you no longer have money to spend. Well, you have no monies, and therefore cannot go out and meet people you would like to sex, but thanks to some genius marketing at the not-all-that-creatively-named Vibrators.com, (oh, for fuck’s sake, of COURSE that link is not safe for work. Do I really need to tell you that?) you can get your solo sexytime on for the low price of free: Read more on Federal Workers: Free Marital Aids Because You Deserve Love Not Money…
 

Super-Slick James O’Keefe Wannabe Tries To ACORN Everybody While They Point And Laugh

Just because you are busy suing and getting sued by every partner you have ever had is no reason to ever turn your back for a second, James O’Keefe. That is when a newer, prettier, younger you will All About Eve you every time! So what super-slick moves is newest James O’Keefe apostle/role-stealer Mr. John Melvin Howting spinning on the dance floor? Nothin’ much, he is just going around to Communist ACORN places and asking for help starting a union! Also, asking for help starting a union to bribe people. None of all the ACORNS were fooled by this, because it was moronic. Needz moar pimp hat! Read more on Super-Slick James O’Keefe Wannabe Tries To ACORN Everybody While They Point And Laugh…
  who says magic isn't real?

Christine O’Donnell Amazon Page Mostly Dildos and Witchcraft Books

What is this Internet Magick right here? The little Internet djinn are good-humored today and casting spells on Christine O’Donnell’s Amazon related products page for everyone’s amusement. This is apparently referred to as an “Amazon bomb,” but that just feels so military industrial. How about an “Amazon sorcery orgasm” or something a little less war-like and a little more, “we enjoyed that, thank you.” Is this possibly connected to the upcoming Christine O’Donnell’s audio book going on sale next week? Read more on Christine O’Donnell Amazon Page Mostly Dildos and Witchcraft Books…
  takes one to know one

George Will: Mike Huckabee Is a ‘Vibrator’

2012 DILDO NEWS: “The most recent vibrator is Mike Huckabee,” reports George Will. George Will will not allow Republicans who talk about Barack Obama’s Kenyan birth to be the next president of the United States. That is uncouth. So, like a sporting gentleman, he will refer to them as dildos until they go away. Read more on George Will: Mike Huckabee Is a ‘Vibrator’…
  island of misfit sex toys

Congressional Candidate Regrets Sucking Reindeer Dildo

There is, remarkably, a 28-year-old woman who is running for Congress from Virginia named Krystal Ball (JESUS CHRIST, BAD PARENTS). As we have, apparently, noted in the past, this woman is quite attractive, in terms of fornication. But we wrote that before photos showed up on the Internet of her fellating a Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer dildo on her then-husband’s face at a Christmas party. Will Krystal Ball be the first dildo-fellating member of Congress? No, certainly not! Probably every current member of Congress has done this. But it’s still fun to see, right? Especially when there are quite a few of these photos? Read more on Congressional Candidate Regrets Sucking Reindeer Dildo…
  just the tip

James O’Keefe Swears He Wasn’t Going To Dildo CNN Lady On Boat

It took James O’Keefe all weekend to come up with an alibi for why he tried to trick a CNN reporter into coming on a boat filled with lube and dildos and “an obvious sex tape machine,” but now he has posted his brilliant explanation on the Internet. “She would have had to consent before being filmed and she was not going to be faux ‘seduced’ unless she wanted to be,” O’Keefe wrote. Oh, that makes perfect sense! Rapists, for example, should really use that line at their trials, because it really puts things into perspective. Especially if they do their raping on a very un-pre-meditated spot, like this sex boat. Read more on James O’Keefe Swears He Wasn’t Going To Dildo CNN Lady On Boat…
  traitors must be executed to death

Florida GOP Congressman Wants Joe Barton Destroyed

Here is the corporate troll and traitor Joe Barton (R-Texas) apologizing to BP for the terrible inconvenience America has caused BP, and also promising to move back to communist-land because he hates America so much. Now a Republican congressman from Florida wants Barton kicked off the energy committee for being such a dildo. Read more on Florida GOP Congressman Wants Joe Barton Destroyed…
  cartoon violence

Gayest Cartoon Violence Ever

By the Comics CurmudgeonDid you ever see one of those romantic comedies where the two principals just straight up frickin’ loathe each other, and try to undermine and destroy one another, but then, in the stunning turnaround that generally happens at the end of Act I or thereabouts, it turns out that all that animosity is just a cover for the fact that secretly they want to bone? Oh, you have seen that, because it’s the plot of virtually every romantic comedy ever? Well, since all life follows the formulas laid out by our entertainment industry, what do you think that says about the partisan gridlock in Washington? (ANSWER: IT MEANS THEY WANT TO DO SEX WITH EACH OTHER, ALL THE TIME.) Read more on Gayest Cartoon Violence Ever…
  cartoon violence

When ‘Change’ Happens, Things Get Weird

By the Comics CurmudgeonYou know, a little more than a year ago, we elected a dude for president whose whole campaign hinged on the word “change.” It was almost like Americans actually wanted things to be different, though of course that turned out not to be true at all, since it turns out that everything was already pretty awesome! But some Americans you’d never expect really took the change message to heart. They took a long, hard look at what they had been doing, and decided maybe to mix it up a bit. Who are these suddenly change-embracing thrill seekers? Read more on When ‘Change’ Happens, Things Get Weird…
  it's beginning to look a lot like the war on xmas

Wonkette Gift Guide Preview: Obama Dildo!

Unlike our amoral right-wing friends, here at Wonkette we don’t start the War on Xmas until after Thanksgiving (Cyber-Sex Thursday). But here’s a special preview of the kind of trash you can expect to find in our annual War on Xmas Gift Guide: Oh hey, it’s an Obama Dildo, so you can, uh, practice your love. Read more on Wonkette Gift Guide Preview: Obama Dildo!…
  cartoon violence

Asses: Another Installment In an Irregular Series

By the Comics CurmudgeonAs your Comics Curmudgeon demonstrated earlier this year, political cartoonists love butts. Just love ’em! The ass is the most polysemous of images, representing everything from sex appeal to debasement and humiliation to an actual butt. So we’re presenting a panoply of ass shots this week, with a greater emphasis on sodomy. But those of you who aren’t butt fans (even though such a person is scarcely imaginable), fear not! There will also be severed limbs. Read more on Asses: Another Installment In an Irregular Series…
  cartoon violence

The Thrill Is Gone

By the Comics CurmudgeonDo you remember ’round about a year ago when it was all “hope and change” this and “yes we can” that, and everything was going to be fixed, forever? Ha ha! Obviously all of our problems are intractable and terrible and nobody can fix them, no matter how nice his teeth are. And so, we must muddle on with our sad, grey lives, turning briefly to media sensations for the brief peaks of joy we used to experience during holiday celebrations or sex. Tune in for more grim tidings, after the jump! Read more on The Thrill Is Gone…
  comics curmudgeon

WRONG WRONG WRONG

By the Comics Curmudgeon Look, one of the things we namby-pamby liberals get critiqued for is our inability to just stand up and show some moral courage, to say that some things are right and some are wrong. Usually we’re all like “Oh, there’s context” or “It’s society’s fault” or “Who are we to judge” or whatever. But sometimes, even the most consensus-addicted hippie has to take a stand. Today, your faithful Comics Curmudgeon will identify five cartoons that are simply incorrect. Read more on WRONG WRONG WRONG…
  cartoon violence

Everything Is A Terrifying Nightmare

By the Comics CurmudgeonRemember a couple of months ago, when everything was all Hope this and Change that and Yes We Can whatever, and you thought that everything was going to be all sweetness and light from here on in? FOOLS! Little did you know that the nightmare would just go on, forever and ever, like a never-ending mescaline trip. Brace yourselves for the horror show that launches 2009, with waves of human-animal hybrids and Dick Cheney’s bosoms! Read more on Everything Is A Terrifying Nightmare…
 

The Real Winner In Texas: Sex Toys

We’ve been so busy with the crucial Chris Peden/Paultards and Obama/Hillary races that we totally neglected to write about the true winners in Texas: People who like to legally own their various dildos and sex devices. A federal appeals court in amoral New Orleans has finally made it legal for Texans to own a half-dozen erotic toys. The ruling was announced on Valentine’s Day, which is super romantic. Read more on The Real Winner In Texas: Sex Toys…