Tag Archives: dildos

  Woo woo in your hoo hoo

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Crystal Dildos for Your Crunchy Cooter

Namaste to you, enlightened readers, and once again welcome to the Snake Oil Bulletin. This week we will delve into the universal consciousness that exists within us all. We will explore our inner divinities and open our third eyes to all the possibilities that the universal love energy can provide us. And while we’re at it, we’ll talk about dildos. Let’s dive (heh) right in. Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Crystal Dildos for Your Crunchy Cooter…
  Uncle Dumbass from Slidell

Confederate Loser Buys Delicious ISIS Cake From Walmart Bakery, Doesn’t Eat It

ISIS cake spokesmodel
Gather ’round, little children, for we have a heartwarming story about Walmart, ISIS, cake, and this one Louisiana dumbass named Chuck Netzhammer, who is very sad about how America is stomping all over his beloved traitor Confederate flag. So, because he thinks he is S-M-R-T, he went to the Walmart and said probably something along the lines of “please make me a cake with my favorite flag in the world on it, the one that represents the seditious loser nation that lost the Civil War, for if I do not get this cake, I fear I will never achieve erection again.” Walmart was like “nah, bro.” Netzhammer then had A Idea, so he changed tactics and requested the flag of ANOTHER loser “nation,” the Islamic State, also known as ISIS, or if you are a loser president like Obama, “ISIL.” Read more on Confederate Loser Buys Delicious ISIS Cake From Walmart Bakery, Doesn’t Eat It…
  Here have some news n stuff

CNN EXCLUSIVE: Beware The Flag Of Radical Islamic Dildos And Buttplugs

While The Gays and their friends were priding through streets all over the world, CNN International assignment editor Lucy Pawle reported this shocking discovery at the Gay Pride in London, where she spotted a “quite distinctive man” with a quite distinctive flag: Read more on CNN EXCLUSIVE: Beware The Flag Of Radical Islamic Dildos And Buttplugs…
  This IS TOO an important story shut up

Did You Misplace Your Dildo During The 18th Century? If So, Good News!

Much more fun than dumb old dinosaur bones.
They found it! You’re not getting it back, though, so don’t rush out for a bottle of lube yet. Yes, archaeologists have discovered a very well-preserved 250-year-old dildo in an old latrine in Gdańsk, Poland. It is very … well, it’s very unique! We always wondered what people in the 1700s sticked up their sex holes (no we didn’t), but now we know! According to Discovery News, that clam pounder right there is big and girthy and it’s “made of leather filled with bristles, and has a wooden tip.” That sounds … kind of painful? But hey, it was the 1700s, you ram your junk with the technology you have, not the technology you wish you had. Read more on Did You Misplace Your Dildo During The 18th Century? If So, Good News!…
  Sex Farm. Kansas

Kansas Lets Its Freak Flag Fly

Don't act like you're not impressed
The horses are thoroughly spooked in Kansas, where the Westboro Baptist Church is turning over a new leaf just in time for a giant state-sanctioned dildo sale. Local sources say it’s still unclear whether a state-sanctioned dildo sale is part of the National Socialist platform, but the facts are clear, according to the Kansas City Star. Read more on Kansas Lets Its Freak Flag Fly…
  if you want my dildo you'll have to take it from my cold dead hand

Here Is Your New Favorite Gun Safety PSA Starring Children Playing With Dildos

There aren’t many times we wish we worked in an ad agency, mainly because of things like “taking meetings” and “having to wear pants” and “clients,” but we’d likely have donned pants and attended meetings if it meant we got to make this beautiful “lock up your guns” PSA that features small children mock sword-fighting with dildos they’ve fished out of mommy’s underwear drawer or wherever people that have children keep their sex toys fuck if we know. Read more on Here Is Your New Favorite Gun Safety PSA Starring Children Playing With Dildos…
  'box of dildos' would be a great band name

Here’s Your Video With Glenn Beck Going On And On About Dildos

So here’s two minutes of Glenn Beck talking about the terrible horrible no good very bad thing that happened at a high school in Bellingham, Washington, Glenn’s home town. Basically, a teacher let her drama club students plan their own end-of-year awards ceremony. And high school students being high school students — actually, worse: high school drama club members being high school drama club members, it got raunchy. Rude jokes, rude awards, and casual awfulness. You know. High school stuff. Except that the teacher, Teri Grimes, “a veteran of three decades who is slated to retire after this year,” apparently didn’t step in and censor the kids’ presentation, because she Just Hates America. And also, maybe after nearly thirty years, she thought there was some merit in letting kids design and run their own awards show. Like they do in Communist Roosha. Read more on Here’s Your Video With Glenn Beck Going On And On About Dildos…
  when you think about you you touch yourself

Federal Workers: Free Marital Aids Because You Deserve Love Not Money

So you’ve been furloughed. You’re probably wandering around the house in a bathrobe, thinking it would be cool to leave the house, but then thinking that you probably should not leave the house because of the whole part where you no longer have money to spend. Well, you have no monies, and therefore cannot go out and meet people you would like to sex, but thanks to some genius marketing at the not-all-that-creatively-named Vibrators.com, (oh, for fuck’s sake, of COURSE that link is not safe for work. Do I really need to tell you that?) you can get your solo sexytime on for the low price of free: Read more on Federal Workers: Free Marital Aids Because You Deserve Love Not Money…
 

Super-Slick James O’Keefe Wannabe Tries To ACORN Everybody While They Point And Laugh

Just because you are busy suing and getting sued by every partner you have ever had is no reason to ever turn your back for a second, James O’Keefe. That is when a newer, prettier, younger you will All About Eve you every time! So what super-slick moves is newest James O’Keefe apostle/role-stealer Mr. John Melvin Howting spinning on the dance floor? Nothin’ much, he is just going around to Communist ACORN places and asking for help starting a union! Also, asking for help starting a union to bribe people. None of all the ACORNS were fooled by this, because it was moronic. Needz moar pimp hat! Read more on Super-Slick James O’Keefe Wannabe Tries To ACORN Everybody While They Point And Laugh…
  who says magic isn't real?

Christine O’Donnell Amazon Page Mostly Dildos and Witchcraft Books

What is this Internet Magick right here? The little Internet djinn are good-humored today and casting spells on Christine O’Donnell’s Amazon related products page for everyone’s amusement. This is apparently referred to as an “Amazon bomb,” but that just feels so military industrial. How about an “Amazon sorcery orgasm” or something a little less war-like and a little more, “we enjoyed that, thank you.” Is this possibly connected to the upcoming Christine O’Donnell’s audio book going on sale next week? Read more on Christine O’Donnell Amazon Page Mostly Dildos and Witchcraft Books…
  takes one to know one

George Will: Mike Huckabee Is a ‘Vibrator’

2012 DILDO NEWS: “The most recent vibrator is Mike Huckabee,” reports George Will. George Will will not allow Republicans who talk about Barack Obama’s Kenyan birth to be the next president of the United States. That is uncouth. So, like a sporting gentleman, he will refer to them as dildos until they go away. Read more on George Will: Mike Huckabee Is a ‘Vibrator’…
  island of misfit sex toys

Congressional Candidate Regrets Sucking Reindeer Dildo

There is, remarkably, a 28-year-old woman who is running for Congress from Virginia named Krystal Ball (JESUS CHRIST, BAD PARENTS). As we have, apparently, noted in the past, this woman is quite attractive, in terms of fornication. But we wrote that before photos showed up on the Internet of her fellating a Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer dildo on her then-husband’s face at a Christmas party. Will Krystal Ball be the first dildo-fellating member of Congress? No, certainly not! Probably every current member of Congress has done this. But it’s still fun to see, right? Especially when there are quite a few of these photos? Read more on Congressional Candidate Regrets Sucking Reindeer Dildo…
  just the tip

James O’Keefe Swears He Wasn’t Going To Dildo CNN Lady On Boat

It took James O’Keefe all weekend to come up with an alibi for why he tried to trick a CNN reporter into coming on a boat filled with lube and dildos and “an obvious sex tape machine,” but now he has posted his brilliant explanation on the Internet. “She would have had to consent before being filmed and she was not going to be faux ‘seduced’ unless she wanted to be,” O’Keefe wrote. Oh, that makes perfect sense! Rapists, for example, should really use that line at their trials, because it really puts things into perspective. Especially if they do their raping on a very un-pre-meditated spot, like this sex boat. Read more on James O’Keefe Swears He Wasn’t Going To Dildo CNN Lady On Boat…
  traitors must be executed to death

Florida GOP Congressman Wants Joe Barton Destroyed

Here is the corporate troll and traitor Joe Barton (R-Texas) apologizing to BP for the terrible inconvenience America has caused BP, and also promising to move back to communist-land because he hates America so much. Now a Republican congressman from Florida wants Barton kicked off the energy committee for being such a dildo. Read more on Florida GOP Congressman Wants Joe Barton Destroyed…