Tag Archives: diets

  yes but does he eat arugula?

New York Times Very Concerned Jeb Bush Isn’t A Gross Enough Fatty To Be President

The New York Times is such a lovable whackjob sometimes. They apparently are having all kinds of fun doing profiles of the GOP presidential candidates! Wednesday, we learned that smug prick Ted Cruz was also a smug prick when he was in college, and that he gets all defensive when you make jokes about him. Today, it is Jeb Bush’s turn. What jewels of knowledge does the Times have for us, about Jeb? Oh, just that he really wants to be president, but he can’t because he’s not a big fatso anymore, which means he won’t be able to relate to Trans Fat-Americans. You see, Jeb Bush has lost weight, because he has gone on the trendy Paleo diet, and also he does crunches or something: Read more on New York Times Very Concerned Jeb Bush Isn’t A Gross Enough Fatty To Be President…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Puts Kitchen Staff On Crash Diet

By now, we are all aware of Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move!” initiative, the thing where government officials sneak into your children’s bedrooms in the middle of the night and steal the donuts from under their pillows, leaving behind a combination of debt and misery. But what we didn’t know about was our FLOTUS’ top secret weight loss death camp that she has been running inside her own home: “Four members of the White House residence staff…have lost more than 110 pounds since July 2010.” It’s all part of her master plan: brainwash the kitchen staff and the rest will follow. Sasha and Malia, eat your Halloween candy while you still can! Read more on Michelle Obama Puts Kitchen Staff On Crash Diet…
  beauty secrets of the stars

Cantor Barely Surviving On Diet Of Tuna Sandwiches And Bile

Most politicians who arrive in Washington resembling relatively fit and attractive humans quickly become repulsive monsters, because the restaurants serve nothing but cheesy bread products and the Congressional gym is booby trapped with vicious nine-fingered Jews who will assault you, naked. So House Minority Whip Eric Cantor has really beaten the odds by remaining thin, somehow. Read more on Cantor Barely Surviving On Diet Of Tuna Sandwiches And Bile…
 

Bill Richardson Loses Weight, Wears Stupid Cowboy Necklace

Hillary’s hated by everyone, Gore’s apparently really actually not running and Obama’s “unproven” (black). So who will be the 2008 Democrat to lose the election to the Gannon/McClellan ticket? Bill Richardson and his horse! Read more on Bill Richardson Loses Weight, Wears Stupid Cowboy Necklace…