Tag Archives: dicks

  Adventures in being a total fuckup

Maybe Rand Paul Didn’t F*ck Up Guardian Interview, Is Still A Dick Anyway

You see this guy asking me questions? How dare he?
The Twitter, it is outraged at Serious Presidential Candidate Rand Paul, who is a dick, for doing another dick thing. According to the internet, which is always correct, Rand Paul had a full-on meltdown temper tantrum at Guardian reporter Paul Lewis, who was just trying to get him to answer a gotcha question about his support for criminal justice reform. How will that play with all the racist fundamentalist fucknozzle Iowans he needs to pander to win the Republican nomination to lose to Hillary Clinton? But did Rand Paul, who is a dick, actually act like a dick this time? Some say yea, some say nay. Let us Do Journalism, by watching a video and deciding for ourselves! Read more on Maybe Rand Paul Didn’t F*ck Up Guardian Interview, Is Still A Dick Anyway…
  Baking soda has so many uses!

Idiot Nevada Rep Lady Will Wash That Cancer Right Outta Your Hair

We have absolutely no patience for dumb people who have special braindead ideas about how to cure cancer or AIDS or stubbed toes or anything else, so let us throw to the wolves (YOU, rabid Wonkette commenters!) Nevada Assemblywoman Michele Fiore, because she is a dumb dick, if there ever was a template for “dumb dick,” like if Mavis Beacon was trying to teach you how to type “dumb dick,” it would involve typing the letters of Fiore’s name over and over until you get it right, KEEP PRACTICING, YOU WILL GET IT: Read more on Idiot Nevada Rep Lady Will Wash That Cancer Right Outta Your Hair…
  Salute in your shorts

Pentagon Used Your Money To Give Dudes $84 Million In Boners Last Year

People of the wingnut variety are always yammering on about “outta control government spending!” and “I am being tyrannied into buying SLUT PILLS for all the ladies!” and dumb liberals always say, you know, if they were coming after your Viagra you’d be mad too. One entity that is NOT coming after your Viagra is the United States military. Originally, all patriotic Americans were under the impression that the military was spending about $500K a year on boners,  but the Military Times did some rock-hard-hitting penis journalism and found that the real cost of keeping your men boned up is $84.24 million per year: Read more on Pentagon Used Your Money To Give Dudes $84 Million In Boners Last Year…
  giant douche noodle says what?

Rand Paul Does Not Care For Impertinent Reporter’s Questions, Is Kind Of A Dick About It

Could you be more of a dick?
The human-shaped null set that is Sen. Rand Paul of Kentucky took his talent for being a whiny dick to CNBC on Monday afternoon for an interview that made him look like a cross between Michele Bachmann and an angry furby. You knew things were not going to go well when anchorperson Kelly Evans started off by asking Paul if he had really just told incandescent rage ball Laura Ingraham that most vaccines “ought to be voluntary.” Read more on Rand Paul Does Not Care For Impertinent Reporter’s Questions, Is Kind Of A Dick About It…
  poor men

Church’s Worst Cardinal Weeps Fat Tears For Men Murdered By Feminism

There’s this Catholic Cardinal — Raymond Cardinal Burke — and he is the worst! New Pope demoted him already, because Burke is a super-dick, but New Pope forgot to tell him to STFU and go die in a fire. How is Burke delighting us with his words today? Well, he interviews with “The New Emangelization” (not kidding) about how “radical feminists” murdered the Catholic Church. Because of course he fucking did. For his next trick, he will probably cover up some child molestations and excommunicate the entire Democratic Party. Oh wait, he already did. Read more on Church’s Worst Cardinal Weeps Fat Tears For Men Murdered By Feminism…
  Minnesota Nice

Brave Minnesota Job Creator Takes Brave Stand Against Waitresses

greedy minimum wage worker sticking it to the man
Greedy worker Oh good, a brave Job Creator is finally taking a stand against waitresses and also the people who patronize his restaurant by adding a “minimum wage fee” to the bill. Finally someone is dong SOMETHING about greedy servers who can now charge the princely sum of $4.90 – $6.15 per hour for their services! We don’t use the word “hero” often, but nothing short of a hero would protest Minnesota’s first minimum wage increase in nearly a decade. Read more on Brave Minnesota Job Creator Takes Brave Stand Against Waitresses…
  fellatus interruptus

Dianne Feinstein Goes To Ted Cruz’s Work, Slaps Tea Party Dick From His Mouth Hole

Ho ho, Ted Cruz, you impetuous scamp! Since today is a day of the week, you must have pissed off someone with some sassy backtalk. Who had the “Dianne Feinstein” square for today’s game of “Ted Cruz Mansplains Until _____ Wants to Punch Him in His Cock” bingo? “Let me just make a couple of points in response,” Feinstein countered at a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing. “One, I’m not a sixth grader. Senator, I’ve been on this committee for 20 years. I was a mayor for nine years. I walked in, I saw people shot. I’ve looked at bodies that have been shot with these weapons. I’ve seen the bullets that implode. In Sandy Hook, youngsters were dismembered…It’s fine you want to lecture me on the constitution. I appreciate it. Just know I’ve been here for a long time. I’ve passed on a number of bills. I’ve studied the constitution myself. I am reasonably well educated, and I thank you for the lecture. Read more on Dianne Feinstein Goes To Ted Cruz’s Work, Slaps Tea Party Dick From His Mouth Hole…
  fuck it we'll do it live!

Retroactively Liveblooging The Paul Krugman-Joe Scarborough Steel Cage Death Match Of Death

It was a Meltdown in Metropolis, a Rumble in the Concrete Jungle on Monday night when Charlie Rose hosted Paul Krugman and Joe Scarborough for a battle royale for the crown of World’s Greatest Economics Expert Guy! Who would win? Would it be the avuncular and learned Dr. Krugman, an Ivy League professor who holds an actual Nobel Prize for Economics, or would it be the failed Congressman from America’s Dingus who most people know these days as “that guy on morning TV whose facial expression makes him look like nothing so much as an angry pit bull that was just neutered”? Your Wonket could not watch this death match live last night, so we will retroactively live-bloog it this afternoon because we woke up feeling dangerously optimistic about the world. Read more on Retroactively Liveblooging The Paul Krugman-Joe Scarborough Steel Cage Death Match Of Death…
  worst galt ever

Go Galt In Detroit’s Centrally Planned Puerto Rico For Rich Jerks

Sitting in the middle of the Detroit River is Belle Isle, one of the nation’s finest urban public parks. It was designed by Frederick Law Olmsted of Central Park fame. Unfortunately, Belle Isle isn’t in the best condition right now because Detroit is super poor. There exists a perfectly reasonable plan to make Belle Isle a state park so Michigan taxpayers can fund maintenance of this beloved landmark in the state’s largest city, as they do for comparable parks across the state. Naturally, this will never happen because Detroit doesn’t end up like Detroit by accident. It takes a lot of incompetence and inaction. Read more on Go Galt In Detroit’s Centrally Planned Puerto Rico For Rich Jerks…
  filibust a cap in your ass

Today Perhaps Not Greatest Day For Rand Paul’s Hilarious Gun-Waiting-Period ‘Joke’

Kentucky Senator Rand Paul has some ideas. And they are that if Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is going to be such a total Hitler as to suggest that a senator who wants to filibuster something has to actually filibuster that thing, then Rand Paul would like some Senate “rule changes” of his own! First and foremost? A “waiting period” of 20 days for each page of proposed legislation! This is very appropriate, because if you are going to make citizens sit through a “waiting period” to purchase guns from Jesus, shouldn’t we blah blah blah libertarian horgleschlommenhurk. Now we all know that Obamacare was 2400 pages, because Fox News said so. (No it wasn’t.) So with the Rand Paul waiting period, we would have had to wait 131 and a half years before we could pass it. We almost already did! But was today the most felicitous time for Kentucky Senator Rand Paul to unveil his snotty tantrum guardianship of the sacred Constitution, considering we are in a “waiting period” to find out if more than one child was more than 18 children were murdered at a Connecticut school? SURE. WHY NOT. Read more on Today Perhaps Not Greatest Day For Rand Paul’s Hilarious Gun-Waiting-Period ‘Joke’…
  bunch of bachmanns

Georgia Lege Goes For Gold In Wingnut Olympics

Crossover Day! Crossover Day! A day when every possible batshit mean curbjob-the-welfare-Cadillac-Queens bill simply MUST get passed in order to avoid NOobAma’s death panels. What delights does Newtonia have in store for us, as it gets all slick and sweaty trying to catch up to your Floridas and Mississippis and good ol’ AZ’s? Let’s round them up and hoe them down! Piss-testing those on gubmint relief? Check. Banning union pickets in labor disputes (except for teachers and cops) — d/b/a your First Amendment right to assembly? But naturally. Letting the little Hitlers* of your neighborhood homeowners association ban yer dirty hippie solar panels? FUCK YEAH, COMMIE, GET OUT. Turning into hysterical ninnies about that other part of the First Amendment, religious liberty, as defined by the Founders’ Stated Intent of putting all the single ladiez under Sharia? What do you think? Read more on Georgia Lege Goes For Gold In Wingnut Olympics…
  the evil dead

Happy 107th Birthday, Zombie Ayn Rand!

We were skimming the FoxNews.com website looking for some of those “free Medicare scooter” ads, but got distracted by the important news of terrible writer/awful person Ayn Rand’s 107th birthday. She doesn’t look a day over 106 … objectively. Objectively-ist. Anyway, we hope she’s enjoying being tortured for Eternity in Hell, for not believing in Jesus and denying His one command for all humanity: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must Love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” Anyway, how are Ayn Rand’s terrible followers celebrating the day a kind woman selflessly gave birth to a child and then cared for it, instead of feeding Baby Ayn to the cat? Read more on Happy 107th Birthday, Zombie Ayn Rand!…
  we are all six years old

Here Is Your Dick-Joke Headline of the Day

They’re really spicing things up over there! We will never understand why people continue to use the word “tap” like this. Also, Norm Dicks is currently 69. EASY JOKES: THEY’RE ALL AROUND US! [Roll Call via Wonkette operative “Andrew B.”] Read more on Here Is Your Dick-Joke Headline of the Day…
  Penis Poll Watchdogs

Andrew Sullivan’s Penis-Shaped Statistics Give Wingnut ‘Anger Tingles’

Neoconservative pot-pundit Andrew Sullivan decorated one of his recent posts, titled “Support For Marriage Equality Accelerating?”, with this graph showing that Americans’ support for same-sex marriage has increased since 1988 to more than 50%, while opposition to it has impotenced. But Paul Hipple, editor of the popular Dominionists for Tancredo/Palin 2012 blog, sees something more in Sullivan’s illustration: “the shape of an engorged, fully erect male phallus, possibly of human origin.” Read more on Andrew Sullivan’s Penis-Shaped Statistics Give Wingnut ‘Anger Tingles’…
  oh sorry about that ma'am

Judge Who Ruled Against Arizona Immigration Law Getting ‘Perverted’ Messages From Haters

U.S. District Judge Susan Bolton high-fived a bunch of illegal immigrants the other day and ruled against the parts of Arizona’s immigration law that would have made them melt. BUT NOW REAL AMERICA IS ANGRY. You see, “some of the messages sent to Bolton are positive, but others are ‘from people venting and who have expressed their displeasure in a perverted way.'” Haha. “My cock hates illegal immigrants so now you have to ANSWER to my cock, which you can see in this photo I sent along.” Read more on Judge Who Ruled Against Arizona Immigration Law Getting ‘Perverted’ Messages From Haters…
  nuke them both

MUSLINS TRY TO TEABAG OTHER MUSLINS: “A high level Pakistani diplomat has been rejected as Ambassador of Saudi Arabia because his name, Akbar Zib, equates to ‘Biggest Dick’ in Arabic. Saudi officials, apparently overwhelmed by the idea of the name, put their foot down and gave the idea of his being posted there, the kibosh.” Wow, self-conscious much, Saudi Arabia? Any reason to be scared of a lil’ measuring contest? [Foreign Policy] Read more on …
  but there's only one mark sanford

Did You Know Other Governors, In History, Have Also Done Weird Things?

An important new Associated Press topical article notes that exactly five other governors in American history have done something weird, while in office. So nature-boy mountain lamer Mark Sanford is not alone! Come out of the closet, Mark, and come back to America. Read more on Did You Know Other Governors, In History, Have Also Done Weird Things?…
  republicans in the news

Old Republican Asshole Sincerely Apologizes For Happily Predicting Ruth Bader Ginsburg Will Die Soon

Kentucky! One of the comical idiot Republican senators of the “Bluegrass State” is a stupid old prick who once played baseball in, who knows, the pre-Civil War era? For Kentucky’s special people, this is considered an “Ivy League” education in politics. But America’s worst, dumbest senator, Jim Bunning, barely kept his seat in 2004 — the year George W. Bush Jr. actually won the presidential election. Anyway Bunning, 77, said Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is about to die, because she is two years younger than he is, and she was successfully treated for early-stage pancreatic cancer and was back to work at SCOTUS today. Bunning finally apologized, just now. What a dick. [AP/Yahoo] Read more on Old Republican Asshole Sincerely Apologizes For Happily Predicting Ruth Bader Ginsburg Will Die Soon…
  nasty impolite questions

Scalia Outraged By Student’s Offensive Question About Cameras

If you have ever tuned to CSPAN late at night, hoping for something truly dull to put you to sleep, you have probably wondered why you never see Supreme Court arguments. The reason is that Justice Scalia doesn’t like cameras, or informing the public! A college junior recently asked him at a luncheon put on by the Palm Beach County Forum Club and Bar Association why he doesn’t like cameras in the courtroom, and he got totally shirty with her. Read more on Scalia Outraged By Student’s Offensive Question About Cameras…
 

Foreclosed Homeowners Don’t Deserve To Vote!

Oh God now it begins: our quadrennial debate about voter fraud versus vote suppression. The head of the Republican Party in Macomb County, Michigan has decided that a wonderful way to protect against “voter fraud” will be to get lists of foreclosed homes and check those against voter rolls to make sure that people whose houses are foreclosed — and what is that, about 130 percent of all Michigan residents at this point? — don’t get to vote if they aren’t residents of those addresses anymore. Read more on Foreclosed Homeowners Don’t Deserve To Vote!…