Hey you know who has been douchier than usual in the last couple of days is that Mark Halperin, the famous political reporter who thinks he knows everything but is always wrong. His website has all sorts of useful information — campaign press releases, teevee schedules, etc. — but also a constantly updated cycle of crap predictions. This edition of “Halperin’s Take” is the worst thing anyone has ever written about politics. And yesterday he predicted that billion-year-old Republican Sen. Dick Lugar would be Obama’s pick. WTF? And don’t forget this gay little stunt too, in which he mocks political reporters who like to spread the shit without any factual basis. Projecting much? God he is a twit. Why are we even writing about this twit? Who? [The Page, HuffPo]

Barack Obama is giving a speech about Iraq now, but we imagine it’s (a) a fancier version of this and (b) impossibly unfunny. Ugh, this guy. Jesus was a messiah too, you know, but at least he presented a mockable stereotype of himself — “God’s son,” ha ha. So instead we’ll tackle his new ad, in which he talks to a bunch of old white people about that time he worked with some old white man to prevent nuclear weapons from falling into the hands of browns. [YouTube]

America’s fastest Senator: John Sununu, who ran his leg of the ACLI Capital Challenge in a respectable 20:10. Not quite the fastest lawmaker, though, as Representative Bart Gordon (D-TN), who sounds like maybe the hero of a series of young adult adventure novels, ran an impressive 18:05. The full list is here, but it’s pretty damn long — you see any particularly funny names in there we missed, give us a holler. National Geographic was the fastest print media team, and, hilariously, NPR beat Fox. Enjoy those words, NPR, you don’t hear them very often. MORE »

Hey, guys — you kinda dropped the ball last week. There were like four questions submitted to our Anonymous Hill Staffer. You can do better than that — help us keep AHS entertained during Congressional Spring Break (they still make the staffers go to work!), he’ll help keep you entertained every Wednesday.

This week, violence, advice, and deep-seated shame. Like always, really. All that and high-seas adventure, after the jump.

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